~A/N~ Many thanks to my Beta: DayDreamer-BleachLover Stuck with me and my confusing awkward-ness. xD
Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuouki Shinsengumi Kitan, though it is a wonderful anime/game/manga and if I did own it there'd be more Okita. xD
Reading is loved and Reviewing is a treat :D
She was on me.
In that instant I knew that this wasn't reality. Here though, in my dream, it felt as real as the sword I wield, that which was and will always be my universe. It was my life, the path I chose. The way I will survive, dedicated to no one besides the swift, elegant motions of my killing instrument. Singing the melody of death wherever it needed to be sung. But as I was lying beneath her, I felt her warmth, her brown eyes locked with my own. They were calm and gentle, the eyes of an innocent girl. Unlike my own which could be as hard and cold as the blade I cut with. The differences were striking between what my life revolved around and what I wanted it to revolve around.
This was all a dream, this compassion, and this love. It couldn't be real. It was all too hot, too much. There she was though, still looking down at me her eyes were filled with unequivocal trust. Trust that I never earned yet she gave to me willingly. This was an unusual predicament; all other thoughts fled my mind. How could I deal with this?
She leaned down, while I stayed frozen, unable to comprehend something that wasn't my reality. I let her lips press against mine. They were soft and untouched. I let her hands move up my chest, her legs still pressed close to either side of me keeping her balanced and me in place. Her hands were not callused but smooth, her body fragile compared to mine. It was so delicate, it could be broken in so many ways, physically, mentally…emotionally. The moment was fleeting but in my heart it grew to epic proportions.
I reached up and put my hand on her shoulder, pushing her back. This was not something I was used to. Not something I wanted to have to be chained to. Fighting, death, and camaraderie were all that my allies and I shared. We depended on each other to have no hesitation in getting the job done; if one of us died grief would be felt though we would not have the luxury to dwell on it. We would move on. That comes with being a warrior whether we were shinsengumi or not. That was the way my life would end. Death was expected, injury a part of every day life. This was reality. But this girl, this tender hearted, compassionate girl somehow crushed all of that; she made me dream of something other than taking lives, she was giving me a reason to live. Something I did not deserve and something that would inevitably affect my decisions for the future. I could not have that.
"Okita-san?" Her voice was the essence of innocence.
I couldn't handle it.
"Don't push me away, Okita."
I felt her heart break, or was that mine? The dream kept changing, her shape morphing her. We became one and then we were separate, over and over again. I felt her pain, or was that mine? I could not understand. It was all too stifling.
"Okita, don't be scared."
I ran, though, terrified.
My eyes popped open. I felt the sweat soaking into my yukata as I sat up coughing roughly. Running a hand through my damp hair I cursed this recurring dream. My life was empty unless I was a part of the Shinsengumi, I could not give up my reality.
The bath felt good, cooling my overheated skin. I washed my body clean of her touch; even in the waking world I could still feel her body pressed to mine. I was losing control. I made my way over to the main house, spotting her cleaning the floors. I quietly sat myself down, listening to her. The sunlight glinted off the morning dew warming my wet hair, the gentle breeze chilled my skin but it felt better than the burning sensations I had felt in my dream, this was reality.
The rhythm of her cleaning stopped, the sound broken by the sound of her sigh. I looked up.
"You done?" She startled and looked over to me.
"Okita-san? What are you doing out here?" Her voice imprinted itself once more, wrapping me in its familiarity. My hair was dripping down my neck and she noticed.
"I don't care how nice the weather is you'll catch a cold!" She exclaimed.
"I can handle it," I shrugged it off.
"You need to take better care of yourself, Okita-san!"
I smirked at her worried tone. Commenting on how Hijitaka has one just like it. I started to pull my wet hair up when she did something I wasn't expecting. Grabbing my towel she roughly began to dry my hair.
"Why are you so persistent?" I asked her, slightly taken aback.
"No particular reason," she responded, I could hear the caring in her voice.
And suddenly my dream was slipping into my waking world. I closed my eyes, finally realizing that maybe for a little bit I could pretend…No!
I stood, smiling it off and quickly tying my hair up. I could feel her displeasure and I wanted to make her happy in another way. The way I did best.
"It's dry enough," Covering her embarrassment with a question. "What do you think of my hairstyle?"
Her eyes showed warmth telling me it looked good, and I smiled.
"It'll be our little secret…" I left her with that and went on my way.
Darkness greeted me as I entered my room. The room tilted and I found myself bent over coughing up into a cloth. My time was limited; this would grip me tightly and destroy me. Just like she would. The overwhelming emotions that I kept locked up bayed to me, flooding through every joint and vein in my body. When I find the reason to live I am suddenly going to die. When life starts to mean something more and I want to keep going it will suddenly stop.
It was almost amusingly ironic the way her love affected me. It made me want to stop killing. Now that I was thinking of different paths, fate was cutting me short.
"What am I doing?" I growled. I loved her and this was what was destroying what I've always believed in. My reality.