Another idea that was played around with. Yo! Mr. Ree here, off to bring up a Lavi and Kanda fic. THE HORROR! Hah! Wo ai Kanda he Lavi… Dan shi, shui bu xi huan ta men? (Chinese FTW.) So, let's ignore me and commence forthwith with Chapter 1 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.


1. Boring Field-Trip

By the time a normal person is at least nineteen-years-old, they should be able to proudly announce that they had officially graduated high school. However, Kanda was not a 'normal person'. He was far from it, considered he was a problem-child, a drug-dealer, a hallucinating-psychopath, a reject, and a highly-dangerous man. However, as far as most people knew, he was just a problem-child that had trouble focusing in school. The teachers and the head master agreed to keep him back a year, to 'keep him out of trouble'.

Some job they did.

In his eyes, Kanda already estimated that his life-span would be around twenty, twenty-one years at best. He would wake up sometimes and be surprised that he was still breathing and in this world. When that happened, he always had to get up, take a shower, then run around the city block, no matter how late it was. He would run until he was close to passing out, then return home to sleep, school-day or not.

He wished he had stayed home that day, but he knew wishes never came true. He had completely forgotten about the school trip to a Waste Treatment Plant to understand the processes that was involved in it. It apparently had something to deal with his science class, he didn't really know. All he knew was that it was too damn cold to be standing outside, raining, and that he wasn't in a pleasant mood. Adding the fact that they were going to a Waste Treatment Plant made it all the better.

"…this here is where the filtering takes place," the man explained. Some of the students were jotting down notes, much to Kanda's amusement. Were some of them planning to take this job or something? "This is so that we can release the water back out into the rivers without causing more pollution. Over here in this building is the monitoring." The man led them into a small, cramped space that made Kanda wish he were claustrophobic so that he had an excuse to get out of there. "We have to make sure all of these dials are perfect, or else the entire process is mixed up. Whenever the arrows go to the red part, we have to stop everything and go find the problem. Quite annoying, if you ask me."

And if you ask me, this field trip is quite shitty. His arms folded across his chest, glancing vacantly at the fake-wood walls. Awards for 'Most Clean Treatment Plant' lined the tops of the walls, shining in gold plaques much to his disapproval. They had awards for everything. Why couldn't he get one for 'Most Jaded High School Student'?

The man in the tan overcoat that seemed to have an over-eating problem continued onwards with the tour. The scene changed dramatically as they proceeded down the stairs, which seemed like a work-out for the tour guide. Instead of dials and stupid gadgets, there were fish. Kanda raised an eyebrow in amusement. I wonder if I can take one of these home for dinner tonight.

"We also keep a record of the fish that go through the river," the man explained. "If a new breed enters the ecosystem, we immediately recognize it. Smelts are making a comeback, which means our efforts to clean the river is working."

The teacher glanced at his watch and smiled. "We'll take a pizza-break and resume with the tour later." The tour guide nodded in approval as the teacher led the way out of the building to a slightly-larger building with the aromas of pizza wafting through the air. He was not a fan of pizza at all. The grease made him sick.

"Hey, Ba-Kanda."

The Japanese man ignored the raspy tenor of one of the people he severely disliked as he resided in the corner, glaring. The white-haired boy frowned, and then shoved a plate of pizza up to his face, causing Kanda to rear his head back in disgust. "Che. What the hell do you think you are doing, Moyashi?"

"I learned that word the other day in Japanese class." The boy seemed to grin maliciously. "I actually know what it means now. So you can't call me that."

"I can call you whatever the hell I want, regardless of whether or not you know the meaning of said-particular word," he retaliated. "So go away and talk to someone who cares about your fucking existence, Moyashi."

"Ni zhi dao ni ai wo."

"That's Chinese, moron."

Allen's mouth was about to open yet again, but much to Kanda's pleasure, Rhode, a rather-annoying yet often-useful-in-getting-rid-of-Allen girl, grasped the British boy and forced him to sit with her and her older brother, who happened to be the teacher of this whole field-trip. He sighed. The sadistic bastard thought it would be fun to torture his students even more by dragging them to the world's-most boring and pointless field trip ever in existence.

He'll die later by Mugen's hands. Kanda mused to himself. It'll be slow and painful and wonderful. Che.

After the lunch break, the dull tour resumed onwards. Rain was coming down more steadily as time progressed and the tour came to an anti-climatic end. There was a 'thank you for coming' and a 'the pleasure is all ours' conversation, and that was it. Next thing he knew, they were back onto a filth-laced bus with smelly teenagers and too many hyper people. He sat near the middle (which was where most of the quiet ones were) and stared out the window.

That was the most enlightening thing I ever went through, he thought sarcastically. What's next? A conversation with Satan?

'Yuu, you know better than that.'

The scenery blended together as the man frowned. Shut up, Alma.

"Alma" was a creation of Kanda's imagination. He was created shortly after he turned nine or ten, he couldn't remember. Ever since then, however, he couldn't get through a single day without talking to him. He sighed internally as the figment continued to speak. 'Shut up? But all I said was that you knew better! I thought you would agree with me. You generally have the same opinion as me, you know?'

Those are lies and you know it.

'Or perhaps you are lying to yourself?' Kanda found himself closing his eyes and picturing the boy in his head. Annoying grin, stupid expressions, and wore ridiculous clothing. His hair was rather short and slightly dark, but that didn't dampen Alma's spirits. 'Just pointing it out, Yuu. You never know. That might be your future job, you know.'

Like hell. Kanda glared at him. I would be caught dead before that ever happened.

Alma grinned. 'You say that about every job. You really should go get yourself one soon, aside from the drug-dealing and all. That stuff will kill you, land you in jail, or something far worse than those other two options.'

Like what? Death? I'll gladly take that option.


Kanda rummaged through his backpack and found his old, worn-out CD player with some banged-up headphones. He didn't like the new iPods or whatever. They looked flimsy and breakable. He knew his CD player wouldn't break on him, no matter how many times he dropped it. I'm ignoring you now. Go away.

'You were the one who made me.' Alma sounded slightly sad. 'I'm your only friend and you know it. If I went away, you'd truly be alone.'

Kanda pressed 'PLAY' on his CD player and drowned out the annoying voice in the back of his head. In a sense, Alma was right. Without his little friend, he would have no one, but sometimes, having no one sounded like a good thing. Having no friends meant no responsibilities or attachments to anyone. The truth hurts, but in this case, it's the simplest fact in the world.

The bus continued to chug along until they reached a shopping plaza. He snorted. This was probably an attempt to apologize for making them deal with stupidity for three and a half hours. The girls were definitely excited except for a slim few, who, like Kanda, had a look of disgust on their faces.

'Yuu, you probably should get off the bus!' Alma yelled over the beats of the song.

Che. What's the point?

'I spy with my little eye something that begins with a restaurant that could serve soba noodles?' He could hear the look of victory on his face as he tore off his headphones and shoved them back in his bag along with the CD player. Soba noodles sounded rather good at that moment, mostly because he was hungry.

"Oi, Ba-Kanda! Hurry up!" Allen yelled as the man stepped onto the sidewalk. The rain had yet to let up, to his annoyance, as he leered at the annoying bean sprout before walking behind the rest of the group. He recognized the district immediately, mostly because it was near his apartment was located. He rose an eyebrow.

Maybe I can sneak away from the rest of the group later, after I get something decent to eat… He rubbed the back of his head out of tiredness as somebody, out of the blue, had the nerve to run into him. There was the sound of toppling over as Allen looked over his shoulder to see Kanda grimacing and on the ground. There was also someone else with a bright, dark (not one of those half-baked orangey kinds, a pure dark) red hair with boxes scattered around them. He could feel the amount of anger emanating from the Japanese man as he glared at the poor, unfortunate soul.

"Watch where the fuck you are going!" He stood up without offering to help him. "Why the fuck were you running in the first place, you moron? Don't you ever knock me over again!"

The redhead looked up at him. "S-Sorry, I thought you more over to the left. I have no depth perception, and-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses!" Kanda kicked one of the boxes further away from him before walking away from the scene. "People like you who do stupid shit like that ought to die! Che!"

'Way to go, Yuu! Tell that punk who really has the upper hand here!' Alma cheered from the back of his head. Kanda smirked internally as he shoved his hands in his pockets and didn't look back, indicating how irritated the redhead made him. He followed the classmates as Allen stayed behind Rhode a bit to talk to him.

"That was, uh, kind of rude," he remarked, which got a glare immediately from Kanda.

"Che. Rude? He was the one being rude, not watching where he was going." He glanced at his watch and frowned. "How much longer do I have to put up with this?"

"About… two hours or so?"

"Wonderful." He frowned. "Wait, we're going to do about an hour of shopping? Do they really expect me to stay for that long just to deal with you people?"

"I'm surprised you're even still talking to me, Ba-Kanda."

"Che. So am I." Maybe it's because I just want to know what time is the best time to get away from all of you.

'And the soba noodles, Yuu!'

And to get soba noodles.

The group was divided into four groups of six a little while afterwards. Tyki was his supervisor, which meant Rhode was with him, along with the bean sprout, and three other people he didn't give a damn about. He lagged behind as usual, glancing around for a half-way decent place he could eat at. Alma kept speaking up about which places looked good, which began to annoy him, but he was less annoying than Rhode and Allen, which was saying something.

'That place has really good mayonnaise, I can just smell it! I love mayonnaise, but you already knew that. I have a feeling that the store right there has a good noodle selection, the one near the lights… More to your left, Yuu. There you go. That one. You should probably find something for dinner tonight, too. You have a long schedule this evening.'

Che. What are you, my schedule manager now? It's not going to be that long, just some of the regulars. He glanced at his group, noticing that Tyki was being distracted by Rhode's never-ending talking, and seized the opportunity to slip away from their grasp. Allen was the only one to notice, however he didn't say anything. He knew better than to interfere with Kanda's plans of trying to escape.

He crossed the street with ease and pushed passed the double doors of the building. It seemed to be a locally owned store. The distinct aroma of coffee floated around him the moment he entered the store. A girl smiled at him before she stopped. "Kanda?"

"Lenalee?" He rose an eyebrow. "I thought you said you were going to be sick today."

She laughed sheepishly. "Yes, well. I honestly had no intention to go to a Waste Treatment Plant." She frowned. "Or rather, my brother wouldn't allow me to go, so I didn't even bother with going to school today and figured I could work. The more money I have for college, the better, you know?" She placed a cup of coffee with a very nice-looking bowl of soup onto the counter. "Order number forty-seven!"

"I never thought you'd denote yourself to working in a store like this."

She only laughed. "What can I help you with today? And yes, we have soba noodles, before you ask. Only store around here that does."

'See?' Alma was grinning in victory. 'Told Yuu! Get it? Get it?'

He promptly ignored him. "Che. Can I get some of those, then?"

"Sure!" She pulled out her own wallet and paid for it herself. "I know you're having issues with finding a job, Kanda. You need to get clean, you know that, right? Living like this can only end badly."

The look of seriousness almost made him sad that he did live on the streets, but he said nothing as she handed him a ticket. "Your order number is forty-nine. Come up here when I call your number out, okay? And we need to talk later."

He sighed heavily as he sat down at a table away from a window. He didn't want his teacher or any other person that could recognize him to see him. He frowned more. Lenalee always had to try to help, be it a half-dead dog or a crack-head. However, he didn't really like crack, so he wasn't one of those. He was a LSD-head, technically, and it sold well, too. He relaxed a bit and sighed, staring at the rain. Speaking of selling, he had four clients that evening: Jasdero, David, Skin Borric, and Wisely. Creepy fuckers, but you couldn't really choose your clients.

'Hey! She called your number!'

He looked up to see Lenalee shoving forward a bowl of soba noodles onto the counter, calling out number forty-nine. He forced himself up and got the bowl, then proceeded to sit back down. She even added chopsticks, to his approval. He split them apart and started eating. Not bad, Alma.

'I know!' Alma grinned. 'Told you that it seemed to have a noodle selection. Hey? I think that girl is coming over here.'

He looked up to see Lenalee coming over. She sat down and smiled. "I managed to get someone to take over my shift for a little while. We really need to talk."

"Start talking."

She frowned, but didn't say anything about how rude he was being. "Okay, Kanda. We've known each other for about three years now. You don't seem to be noticing it, but you are definitely getting worse at distinguishing the difference between reality and your version of reality. You keep talking to yourself, even. I know this because your lips keep moving and you smirk sometimes." He seemed to snort, which made her frown deepen. "I'm serious, Kanda! You need to stop using, or something bad will no doubt happen."

A smirk riddled with mocking tones and a bit of hate formed on his face. "Do you really honestly think that I care, Lenalee? If no one else cares, why should I?"

"I can't believe you!" Her voice rose too high, which caught the other customer's attention. She blinked, then laughed sheepishly before toning down her voice. "You really think that no one cares, Kanda? I care, because I consider you as my friend."

"The feeling is one-sided," he commented, but she ignored it.

"And one of these days, you are going to find someone you really don't want to disappoint. You are, and when they learn about your habits, they'll leave you in no time flat. You'll be alone for the rest of your life. Do you really want that to happen to you? I know I wouldn't." She rose from her seat and sighed. "You don't believe me, do you."

"I just find it amusing how you think I'll like anyone," he replied, putting his chopsticks down. "I hate most people, so the chances of that happening are slim to none.'

"But they are still slim," she pointed out. "My break is over. But really, Kanda, just take time to think about what I said, okay? And I mean it. Have a nice day."

She took his empty bowl with her and walked back to the back of the counter, greeting the next customer in line with her smile. He got up from the table and sighed, annoyed, as he left the small café and headed towards his apartment building. It was about three blocks away, which was not wonderful, due to the fact that the rain had no signs of letting up. He was soaked by the time he reached the door.

He walked up one flight of stairs and towards the end of the hall to find his room. The door was unlocked. He didn't own anything valuable, except maybe the LSD itself, and that was it. He kicked off his shoes and stared blankly at the opposite wall, staring aimlessly for no reason.

'Yuu, you want to kill Akuma with me?'

He sighed. Maybe some other day.


The Akuma, like Alma, was a hallucination. They took a variety of forms and had their own level systems. He only ever saw them when he was tripping on acid. Don't 'but' me. I am not in the mood today. Tomorrow, maybe. But not today.

'Tomorrow never comes,' Alma pointed out. Kanda could see him skipping around a rock wall, grinning like a moron. 'Yuu needs to say a specific day of the week. Otherwise, it doesn't count. And aren't you supposed to be selling soon?'

I'll get up when I'm ready. Kanda walked over to a corner and sat on the floor, now staring at the curtains blocking the window. The constant 'pitter-patter' of the rain was starting to unnerve him greatly, though he knew it wouldn't matter soon. He would fall asleep and be happy while knowing he escaped the boring field-trip that made him want to shoot himself.

'They'll get mad.'

They're always mad.

'They'll hunt you down.'

More than they already do?

'They'll kill you.'

They'll be doing me a favor.

Alma fell silent after that, leaving the Japanese man to fall asleep in the corner of the room. For a moment, though it was only a moment, he felt like all the problems he had just vanished and was replaced by a brief moment of happy sunshine.

The rain continued on, thunder rumbling softly in the distance. The storm was coming to an end… Maybe.


Alright! Chapter 1, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It would be highly appreciated and would keep me motivated to write more~! ^.^ (I know it's a bribe. Ssh. Don't tell.) See you all later in Chapter 2~! -Mr. Ree