I watched the sun falling out of the sky and I watched the cold blade slide across my arm. I bled, a smile etched on my face in a ghostly sort of way. The blood trickled down my arm, turning the blades of grass crimson. Red, that's how I saw the world. Pain, that's how I felt the world, the way it should be. I don't feel whole without a blade in my hand, the scars on my arm are apart of me – the stories they tell make up my past, present, and future. I slid my knife back into my pocket and watched blood trickle down my arm in grotesque patterns.
That's when I saw her. That's when I knew I needed her. That's when I decided she was just like me, she just didn't know it yet, or rather hadn't shown the world yet. I pulled out my knife once more, deliberatly looking at her walking along the horizon, the sun painting the sky red behind her.
THIS ONES FOR YOU.Chapter 1
He looked at me again today. His eyes seemed to stare right through my very core. My boyfriend gave him "the look" and as if on cue, all my girlfriends started to chatter about the creep eyeing up the quarterbacks girlfriend.
He'd been staring at me ever since Monday September 19. At first I never thought much of it, after all I'd grown used to the jealous stares directed at me because of the popular clique I had dated into, I was constantly being reminded by my boyfriend and all the cheerleaders how lucky I was to be dating Jordan Kurtz, he rarely forgets to tell me how jealous people are of me, and how grateful I should be that he took m,e under his wing when he did. I nodded and kept him happy, this was what life was about right?
That Monday had been rainy and cold. While I was leaving school, getting the last few books out of my locker and grabbing my keys, that I noticed him staring from down the hall. I looked around me, certain that he couldn't be staring at me. Of course no one was around, so he had to be staring at me, I slowly turned back around to face him, studying his profile. He had neck length black hair, with side bangs covering the right side of his face. His clothing was all black, with a chain looped from his pocket to his belt loop. On his right wrist their was a neon green wristband; the only color that broke up the murky black that allowed him to blend in the shadows.
I couldn't help but stare back at him, he was so…scary and yet he seemed so flawless. A scary sort of perfect that sent shills down my spine. A pair of callused hands at my waist shook me out of my reverie. I turned to find Jordan looking at me,
"Ready to go?" I nodded, and made a point of not looking in the direction of my stalker less Jordan notice. I chanced a quick peak as we were walking away but he had vanished, had he really been there?
The next day everything was normal – I ate and talked with all the right people. I finished all my homework in study hall and the sun was peeping between hazy clouds. Life was good and the boy had completely slipped my mind. But of course, at the same time as yesterday there he was in all his black perfection staring at me from across the hall. I took a bold step towards him, trying not to show my fear. He didn't move a muscle. I took another step but Jordan's voice stopped me. He sent a hard look at the boy and pulled me to him. He said something nasty to the boy and the boy smirked, sending chills through my stomach. Jordan looked down at me,
"Did he do anything to you?" I shook my head,
"No, I'm fine, really. He didn't do or say anything. Calm down."
He didn't heed my words, instead he steered me away sending a cold stare back to the boy. I turned around but the boy had already gone.
It was Wednesday and the sun made an appearance, sending all the girls to skirts and the guys to polo shirts and khaki shorts. I went about my day as usual. Jordan had taken to walking me to all my classes, scaring away any lesser persons who dared make eye contact with me. I sighed. I made a show of laughing with the other girls about my "encounter with a stalker" but deep down I felt my stomach flutter when I thought of his perfect face. He scared me. But, I kinda liked it… I was loosing it.
"Katie , Kate!" Jessica snapped her fingers into my face.
"Way to zone honey, you get enough sleep last night?" she asked, hooking her arm around mine. In honesty I hadn't slept much, its kind of hard to sleep when you have a stalker…a perfect scary stalker…
"Yeah," I said with a smile, "I was just thinking about what to do this weekend." Jess ate up the lie with excitement,
"We could go see a movie! There's a new romance comedy out!" I nodded, trying to color my voice with excitement,
"Sounds good, want to make it a double?" Jess bobbed her head up and down, and startled rattling on about when the best time would be to go. I knew I could wander again. Why me? Why would some freak pick me? I sighed, the butterflies on overdrive. I whisper in my ear made me stop,
"Why not you?"
Thursday passed in a blur, Jordan had a game and the teams ego fed everyone's energy. The game was great, we won and Jordan had a really great game, but to be honest, that's not why I remember the night. He was there, in all his scary gothness. His smirk was gone, replaced by a look in his eyes that sent real butterflies to my throat. His eyes seemed to say,
"You know you want me, you know your curious…come on." Arrogance seeped out of his form, I shuddered and his smirk returned. He had me right where he wanted me.
Friday came with the promise of weekend. I finalized plans for a movie and made my way to my locker. As I was getting my books from my locker a voice, silky and smooth, with a hint of huskiness startled me, causing me to drop my books. I knelt to pick them up but a pair of hands were already there, a green wristband on the left arm. I closed my eyes and slowly stood up.
"Thanks, you kind of startled me." I timidly said, tucking a strand of loose hair behind my ear. He handed me my books without a word, smirking like before. As he pulled his hands away I noticed scars running up his arm. I looked up to him, questions forming in my eyes. He looked at me, and I oculd see his answer,
"what would you care?" I squinted my eyes up at him and asked,
"Am I aloud to know your name? And why you keep stalking me?
He looked at me, cocking his head.
"My names Desmond. You are?" I stared up at him,
"As if you don't know. Why Desmond have you been stalking me?" he shrugged and something flashed across his eyes. He put my lit book on top of the stack I held in my arms. He turned and walked away, leaving me more confused and a little scared; the butterflies wouldn't fly away.
Jordan knocked on my door at 6:30, prompt as usual. He helped me into the car and turned the radio to the station I like. He held my hand while driving and acted like the perfect gentlemen, I was reminded how lucky I was… We made it to the theatre and saw Jess and Zack in line already. We joined them and bought some popcorn. We shuffled into the theatre and settled in for the movie.
The movie was cheesy, but Jess seemed to really like it. She linked arms with me and said,
"Up for some ice-cream?" I nodded, why not? We made our way to Zacks car, all piling in. we drove down the street to Laura's and settled into a booth. A preppy little waitress came and took our orders, Jess was complaining about the calories and sugar when the little bell over the shop's door rang. I turned to see who walked in, it was him. I quickly turned around and made sure Jordan hadn't noticed. He hadn't, and he didn't seem to hear my heart fluttering inside my chest. He didn't notice, but of course Jess and Zack did,
"Isn't that your creeper?" flames shot up my face as Jordan whipped around. Zack nudged him,
"Got some competition from the emo freak." He laughed. Jordan turned back towards Zack
"Shut up Zack, there's no competition." His voice was violent so I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. In a flash Jordan went over to Desmond and said in a deadly voice,
"What do you want you freak?" Desmond just looked at him with his perfect smirk,
"Am I not aloud to get ice-cream from Laura's? It's a free country and last time I checked you don't own the place. Jordan was loosing it, I got up from my stool just as Jordan threw the first punch. I started yelling at him, trying to get him to stop. I clawed at him and tried to hold his fist back. He looked at me with coldness. I stared back at him, my hands in the air,
"Stop it Jordan, don't touch him." Desmond smirked at Jordan.
"Yeah, don't hurt him, don't hurt him Jordan." I spun around to face him,
"Shut up!" Jordan smirked and told me to step aside.
"No," I turned back to Desmond, "Leave." He looked at me,
"Without you? Yeah right." I sighed exasperatedly and grabbed my purse from a shocked Jessica. "Fine. Jordan, I'll call you." I grabbed Desmond's hand and marched out of there, the little bell tinkling over head.
I didn't have a car so I started walking down the street fuming, Desmond holding on to my hand. I had no desire to talk to him, so I kept walking not daring to look at him though I felt his gaze. We reached the park near my house and I stopped. He let go of my hand and walked away, expecting me to follow. I did no such thing. I sat down where I was and crossed my arms; the reality of what had happened sinking into me. I felt exhausted; Jordan and Desmond had fought, Desmond had an attitude, Jordan had an over protective ego, and the mindset that he was God's gift to me. I wanted out of the clique so badly. I had always hated my life, but at the moment it seemed I hated my life times 10. I was falling apart at the seems.
I sighed and turned over. Why had Desmond picked me? Why me? I wasn't like him, was I? I hated my life, but I pretended to have it all together. He hated his life, so he cut. The difference? He was open with it, I hid behind Jordan and the mask he offered me. My head hurt and I sat up, holding my head in my hands. Without warning tears fell violently down my cheeks. Everything was so wrong, I was breaking the mask I had so slowly built to perfection. Desmond saw through it and was destroying it simply by staring at me. Where was the strength I had built all my life? Where was the self preservation I had been taught to have? My shell was cracking under the depth of Desmond's perception. Everything I had held in me for so long came out in heart wrenching sobs that shook my whole body. I wanted to scream, to run far away, but I fought the urge, clawing into the dirt with my fingernails. I slowly began to calm, forcing down my hysterics. I curled up into a ball and closed out the world I had tried so hard to fit into.
I watched her fight and claw. I saw her raw emotion, I could see the pain that breaking was causing her. Finally she showed some emotion other than complacency. I felt protection swell over me as I watched her curl into a ball, small and weak. Helpless at the mercy of her emotions. I had never felt protective of anyone, there was no one worth my time or attention. Yet she … she was like me. I needed her.
I walked to her as she lay still underneath the stars. She turned and lay watching the sky, arms crossed over her stomach, as if she was trying to hold her self together. I walked over and sat, pulling her close to me. Her eyes opened and she looked up into my face. She shoved away from me but I pulled her tighter. She struggled for a few moments but then grew tired and sat there limp in my arms; she was too tired to care about anything anymore. I tilted her head up to mine and she looked away. She looked down at my wrists, the scars were evident in the moons glow. I met her gaze with a cold smirk and she shuddered. She tried to shrug out of my embrace so I let her go. She stood and walked towards an old oak tree and sat, facing away from me looking up at the sky. I let her sit there for a long time, my patience leaving me. She never moved a muscle, simply sat there and stared at nothing. My patience gone I got up and walked to her, she made as if to get up and walk away but I pulled her back down.
"Katie quit running. I know what you're hiding, and I know your tired of it. So just freaking sit and face up to the fact that you need me as much as I need you." She rolled her eyes and looked away.
"Why not you? You were never happy with who you are."
"And you are? You cut yourself and hate your life. Your emo and dark and have a sick little thing for popular chicks." I got mad, she was so hypocritical, how could she be so stupid?
"Popular chicks? Correct me if I'm wrong but you were never part of that group and if you think I hate my life you should evaluate yours. I thought you were smarter than this Katie, wake up and get a reality call; your worse off than I am." For the life of me I couldn't understand why I htought I needed her. She was an idiot and was too blind to notice her life falling to pieces. She needed to face up the facts.
"Its not like you face up to the facts either." A voice inside me whispered,
" Yeah, I got that, hence the scars…"Katie ~
I left the park infuriated and hurt. What was with him and why did he act like he had my life figured out. He knew nothing of love and life, nothing.
"Are you sure you know what they are yourself?"
I shoved the thought down. When I got home I felt overwhelmingly tired. I plodded to my room and flopped down on the bd. I glanced over at the clock and groaned, it was 1:45. I didn't care. I grabbed my phone and deliberately punched in Jordan's number. It rang three times and then clicked,
"Katie? Its 1:45 what the heck? Did he hurt you did he… are you alright?" I sighed and took a deep breath,
"I'm fine, he didn't hurt me, and I'm not pregnant. I don't know why I left with him other than to get you two to stop fighting."
"Katie I'm sorry but he's a creep and I want him dealt with. He's a cutter and I want you to stay away. Infact I forbid you to stay away." I rolled my eyes,
"That's thick Jordan. Im not your property, you cant put a leash on me and tell me to sit, stay, what a good girl."
"Katie, whats gotten into you, I just want you to be safe. Why would you want to hang out with someone who doesn't even know you?"
"Do you know me?" emotions bubbled up inside me, I fought away tears and the urge to yell at him, "Jordan I've been living behind you ever since you took pity on me and deemed me pretty enough to be your girlfriend. I've put on your mask and made you look good, I've lived in your clique and acted to perfection, but im tired of it. I cant pretend anymore. It took me 2 years of highschool to finally get halfway accepted and people still give me looks. Jordan as hard as you tried, im just not like you. And you only know the side of me that pretends for you because you tell me I owe you that. Im done, I cant and wont do it anymore." A long pause met my confession. Finally he broke the silence,
"Your tired, its late, we can talk about it tomorrow."
"Jordan, no – "
"did he tell you to dump me? Did he? I swear if this is his plan I will hurt him."
"Jordan, its not him, im just tired of putting on a mask when all I wanted to impress was you. Im sorry. Im done, goodnight and goodbye."
I hung up and clutched the phone to my chest. No tears fell, only anger boiled. I chucked the phone onto the floor and flopped down on my bed. I looked around my room at all the sharp objects littering my floor. If I was breaking, why not break all the way?
1 slice for jordan.