Story Name: The Sort of Superhero Crackfic with Weird Happenings Which Do Not Make Any Sense

Penname: LProxmysox

Rating: T

Pairing: Mike

Word Count: 1,997

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Mike Newton always knew there was something wrong about the Cullen family.

When they first moved into the tiny town of Forks, Mike, as one of the most popular boys in Forks High, claimed that it was his job to become friends with the six adopted Cullen children and help them settle in.

In reality, he also wanted to know why they were dating each other. He had many questions about this. Wasn't it considered incest even if they were adopted but lived under the same roof and had the same foster parents? Weren't they all distantly related, seeing as they all had the same golden butter scotch colored eyes? Did their adoptive father, a surgeon, do plastic surgery on them to make them all so other worldly perfect? Did their parents allow them to date? Was it weird seeing your sister kiss your brother? Did they…you know…do the deed?

However, after an icy glare from Rosalie and a furious stare from her boyfriend Emmett when they caught Mike's eyes wandering a bit too south of Rose for polite company; an uninterested look from Jasper and a disgusted face from his girlfriend Alice, Mike had lost his nerve to talk to the last couple, Edward and Bella.

After several attempts to get his nerve up, Mike finally went over to Bella. He was immediately enraptured by her smooth, silky voice, her open face, and her long, beautiful chestnut colored hair. Her golden eyes seemed to invite him in, and her smile seemed to him as wonderful as if he were looking at an angel.

However, his fantasies of breaking Edward and Bella up and making Bella his girlfriend were rudely shattered when Edward snaked his pale arm around Bella's waist; and she turned around and gave him a deep kiss in front of Mike and the whole population of Forks High School.

Edward and Bella and been quite cordial towards him, but they weren't letting any information about their past or their family out, and as soon as Mike even thought of using an opening in the conversation to start asking questions, Edward changed the topic. It was almost as if Edward knew what he was thinking, and was determined not to let him get an opportunity to start prying.

But Mike was nothing if not persistent, and he was determined to get something, anything out of the mysterious Cullens.

With the help of his best friend Eric Yorkie, the editor of Forks High's esteemed newspaper, The Spartan News, he dug out quite a lot of information about Dr. Carlisle Cullen, the good doctor who had taken in all of the children along with his wife, Esme.

Staring at the derelict computer in his bedroom, Mike was researching articles about Dr. Cullen, who, it appeared, had been getting a pretty hefty salary at a large hospital in New York. Why, thought Mike, had he come to Forks with its sub-par hospital and awful doctors? Mike smelled something fishy going on, and his name wasn't Newton if he wasn't going to get to the bottom of this affair.

He devised a plan to observe Esme and Carlisle in their "natural habitat", and that brought him to the Cullens' doorstep bright and early on a Sunday morning. When Mrs. Cullen opened the door, Mike beamed at her and began talking.

"Hi, Mrs. Cullen! How are you? I'm Mike Newton; I go to school with your wonderful children. I wondered if you needed any help settling in, and I brought some homemade cookies too!" he rattled off, holding the plate of cookies out.

"Um...Thank you for your kind offer Mitch but-"

"Mike, my name is Mike," he said, trying to look helpful.

"Yeah, Mike, but our family has already settled in quite comfortably. But if we need any help we'll surely contact you," Esme said, looking a bit dazed.

"Sure! I'd like you to take this gift of cookies, though. My mother made them herself!"

Esme blanched. She had already heard from Carlisle how bad Karen Newton's cooking was, when a patient came in with food poisoning after a dinner at her house. Trying to put on a brave face, she gingerly took the cookies, mumbled a quick thank you and shut the door.

Mike smirked. Now for part two of his plan. He crept around the side of the large white house, whose complete layout he had memorized, thanks to Eric's brilliant research abilities. He stopped underneath a large window which looked into the kitchen. He could hear brief snatches of conversation as Esme talked to Carlisle.

"Who...disturbing...early..." That was probably Carlisle. He decided to take a risk and sneak a peek, but as he was raising his head, Esme's voice rang out just meters above his hiding spot.

He jumped and almost hit his head on the open window.

"That was Mike, son of Karen Newton. He was saying something about helping us settle in, and gave me this plate of homemade cookies."

There was a short pause, and then Carlisle's booming laugh rang out. "He….brought….homemade cookies?" he choked out between snickers. "Why, does he want us to be killed, or something?"

"Oh, Carlisle, give the boy a chance. He made the effort to come here so early and that too on a Sunday morning!"

Feeling a bit hostile towards Carlisle at the moment, Mike decided he wouldn't be getting anything useful out of him at the moment, and moved on to where he knew Emmett's and Rosalie's room was situated. An extremely loud moan reached his ears, followed by a "Damn, Rosie!"

His eyes widened at the sound as he received an answer to one of his many questions. He gagged, and feeling a bit grossed out, Mike moved on to the next room, Alice and Jasper's. Fervently hoping that he didn't face the same situation as the previous room, he put his ear near the window. A tinkling laugh rang out, followed by a snort, and then Jasper said, "Oh Lord, he really is doing it! I think we might have to follow through with your plan after all, who knows what he will do with that kind of sensitive information!"

Mike was shell shocked. Who was the "he"they were talking about? And what was Alice's plan? What was the sensitive information Jasper was referring to? He tried to catch some more of the conversation, but all he heard was a door shutting.

Still feeling shocked, Mike crept forward and not hearing any voices, looked into Edward's room. There was no one there, and the whole room was filled with hundreds of albums and books. There wasn't a bed in sight, although there was a long, black sofa pushed up next to an expensive looking sound system. Disappointed, Mike moved onto the study, where he heard Bella talking. He lost himself in the sound of her melodious voice for a moment, but snapped out of it when he heard a low growl from somewhere near him. He looked around nervously, and then cautiously put his ear under the open window.

"Hey, Edward, he's close. Should we start?" said Bella.

"Why not, love? Where are you reading from?"

"The third paragraph on page four. Alright, let's do this."

She then began reading out loud from Pride and Prejudice, the book the entire junior class had to read. Mike sighed, and then quickly walked back to his car. He was still ruminating about the conversation he had overheard between Alice and Jasper.

He climbed back in his car, started the engine and slowly drove down the three mile long driveway. He wasn't paying attention to the road as he drove, still fuming over Carlisle's comments and Jasper's vague references, and so he did not see the huge truck, carrying loads of timber come straight at him.

By chance he looked to the left, and screamed as he saw the driver of the truck jamming the brakes, to no avail. He was paralyzed by sheer terror, and so was unable to do anything much but look at the oncoming truck and shriek till his lungs gave out. When his voice faded, his hands were still clenched around the steering wheel, and his mouth was still open. Memories of his uneventful childhood flew through his mind, in full high definition and color.

The truck was inches away from his car when a bright flash of blue and gold jumped in front of his car and held his hands out in a stop gesture. The truck driver immediately fainted on seeing someone standing in between the truck and the car, and slumped down in his seat. As the truck made contact with the blue and gold figure, it screeched to a stop, and Mike's car was moved backwards as the figure was jolted back by the force of the collision.

Mike was stock still, amazed by the fact that he was still alive and had witnessed a superhero save his life. Another figure in red and gold flitted over to his car, opened the door, and held a hand out to him.

He stared at the hand for a moment, and then coming to his senses, he took the hand and climbed out of his car, seeing a giant dent in the shape of two hands in the truck's bumper, and a round dent in his car's hood. The blue and gold man (for someone who stopped a truck shouldn't be a woman, in Mike's opinion) dusted his hands, and jumped over Mike's car to join them.

The girl in the red and gold suit said to him in a high voice, "Are you alright? You look pretty shaken up."

"F-f-fine," replied Mike hesitantly, his thoughts a blur of joy that was alive, surprise and wonder that he had seen superheroes in Forks, of all places, and a nagging suspicion that the Cullens had something to do with this whole thing.

"That's fantastic," said the man in a deep baritone, and then lifted up a thin silver stick with a red button which looked suspiciously like a memory eraser from the Men in Black movies.

Meanwhile, four other persons dressed in spandex outfits of various color combos ranging from green and gold to black and gold, jumped into sight and began reviving the truck driver, ironing out the dents in the car and the truck back into their original shape, and rearranging the vehicles.

The man and woman put on black wraparound sunglasses, which made them look pretty awesome, and then the man pressed the big red button on the stick.

There was a blinding white flash.

Mike opened his eyes, and saw Edward and Carlisle in front of him. There was no sign of the superheroes or of any of the other Cullens.

"You did not witness a group of six superheroes stop a truck from colliding with your car. You only came to our house to give Esme cookies. There is nothing suspicious about the Cullens. We are not superheroes. We did not have anything to do with this. You do not have maps and blueprints of our house. You did not over hear any conversations. You were driving down our driveway but hit the brakes when you saw the truck come dangerously close to you and narrowly avoided an accident. We are going to go now, and you did not see any of us here," Carlisle said.

Mike nodded vacantly. His thoughts were still incoherent after seeing the bright flash.

In the truck, the driver appeared to have been the recipient of a similar message and was now driving off.

Mike looked at his car. It was perfectly fine. He looked back at the place where Carlisle had been standing, but no one was there.

He got into his car and drove away slowly.

Inside the Cullen house, Emmett was cracking up.

"Poor guy," he said. "He couldn't even get a picture of the Cullenators!"

My first try at writing a story. Please review!