Once upon a time, in far off land of Forks, Washington, there once was boy named Jacob. He never knew his mother, only his father, Billy Black. And one day, Jacob asked his father, Billy Black, about his mother, and who she was, what her name was, and what color hair she had. His father, Billy Black, said this:
"Son," said Billy Black, "This may be rather disturbing for you to hear, but you were left on my doorstep by a pair of gay wizards."
Jacob stared at him. Mesmerized. "Really," he said with a tone of fascination.
"Yes," said Billy Black, "It went a little like this…"
Once upon a very different time, in the very far off land of Hogwarts, there were two young sexually frustrated and mildly attractive teenage boys. One of these boys was Sirius Black; the other was his best friend Remus Lupin. There were other people there, but they were silly people like James Potter and Peter Pettigrew that don't matter.
Now, Sirius was an animagus, meaning he could change into an animal at will. Although he was male, whenever he transformed into his animagus shape of a black dog, he would become female, as a result of not being taught how to become an animagus properly. Or he just fails at life. Remus, however, was a male werewolf, and every month at the full moon, he would transform into a mildly attractive sexually frustrated teenage wolf. Consequently, the mildly attractive sexually frustrated teenager named Sirius Black became more than mildly attractive to Remus Lupin when they were both transformed.
Once upon a time when they were transformed, they were both very sexually frustrated… and incredibly attractive to one another. Then they started getting it on. In the bushes. Under the full moon. Yay. Do we really need to explain? Use your imagination, kiddies.
Okay, so what's wrong with them having hot, sweaty dog lovemaking in the bushes one evening? They were both mildly attractive and sexually frustrated, after all. The problem? Well, sex usually results in an infant, for one thing. Don't have sex. You will get pregnant, and die. Like Sirius.
Yes, Sirius did get pregnant! Even when he transformed back into a mildly attractive sexually frustrated human boy named Sirius Black, he still had a baby bump. The useless people named James Potter and Peter Pettigrew just thought he had been eating too many Chocolate Frogs, but Remus knew the truth. The truth was…
Sirius was a cannibal. And he had eaten Lucius Malfoy, who had conveniently "gone home" for the winter holidays.
During their next Hogsmeade visit, on their annual date to Madam Puddifoot's lovey-dovey shack of love, Sirius broke the news. The REAL news.
"Remus, I don't know if you know this already… it might be kind of obvious but—"
"I know already," said Remus, reaching out to touch Sirius' hand gently, "You don't have to tell me. I've thought it over, and it's okay that you eat people. If that's who you are, then I accept it. Just eat Peter first."
"No!" said Sirius sharply. "I don't eat people! Although, if I were a cannibal, I would eat Peter first, because he's the plumpest."
Remus was nonplussed and befuddled and flabbergasted. All at the same time. "You're not a cannibal? But… you're huge. I thought you must have eaten a person!"
"Let me explain it to you… IN SONG."
With unnecessary bright flashing obnoxious strobe lights and background dancers and mildly attractive sounding background singers, Sirius stood up and threw his cloak off to reveal Frank N. Furter's costume from the Rocky Horror Picture show, which, as you can imagine, looked pretty bizarre seeing as he was preggers.
"Ohh wooaah," sang the mildly attractive sounding background singers as Sirius seduced the audience with his mildly attractive sexy dance moves.
"You know you love me, I know you careee," sang Sirius in a sultry female voice. "Just shout whenever, and I'll be thereeee. You want my love, you want my heart, and we will never ever ever be apart!" He did some more mildly attractive sexy dancing, earning applause from the onlookers. Remus just stared, still nonplussed and befuddled and flabbergasted and several other synonyms for confused.
"Are we an item?" cried Sirius imploringly. "Remus quit playing! We're just friends, what are you saying? Now there's another, look right at my belly—"
At this point, Sirius began to krump violently against Remus, his stomach very visible beneath the suggestive costume.
"My first love impregnated me for the first time!" he sang loudly, and the whole room erupted in the chorus:
"I have your, baby, baby, baby ohhh, your baby, baby, baby noo, your baby, baby, baby ohh.
Your virginity will always be miiinneee~!"
Sirius threw himself onto Remus' lap, crossing his legs suggestively. "Baby, baby, baby ohh, your baby, baby, baby noo! Your baby, baby, baby ohh, and your virginity will always be mine!"
The music stopped suddenly and everyone froze, waiting to see what would happen next. Remus was very pale for a moment before he picked Sirius up, set him down on the chair and cleared his throat and began to sing You're Having My Baby, just like Finn in Glee, except without the awkwardness after Quinn's dad found out she was pregnant and kicked them both out.
"You're havin' my baby," sang Remus soft and lovingly as the lights appropriately dimmed and an acoustic guitar fell from the sky into his hands. "What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me. You're havin' my baby, what a lovely way of sayin' what you're thinkin' of me. I can see it, your face is glowin', I can see in your eyes, I'm happy you know it."
"That you're havin' my baby," chimed in the mildly attractive sounding backup singers. Even though he wasn't having their baby.
"You're the wizard I love and I love what it's doin' to ya," Remus crooned, caressing Sirius' soft supple cheek.
"Havin' my baby," sang the background singers. Again. For no reason.
"You're a mildly-attractive-sexually-frustrated-boy in love, and I love what's goin' through ya," serenaded Remus once more, "The need inside you, I see it showin', whoa, the seed inside ya, baby, do you feel it growin'?"
"I do, Remus!" cried Sirius joyously.
"And I'm happy you know it that you're havin' my baby," finished Remus softly, and the scene thus ended with a magical kiss and more hot sweaty dog lovemaking followed shortly thereafter. In front of everyone. They liked it, don't worry.
"…" Jacob dotdotdot-ed. "So why didn't the gay lovers just keep me then?" he questioned to his not-father-but-really-father, Billy Black, after he fully digested what he had just heard.
"Ah," said Billy Black, raising an ominous finger, "Then there was some form of permanent scarring damage that caused them to have to leave you on my doorstep. It involved Oompa Loompas and brussel sprouts, from what I understand."
"Will you tell me the story, Fake Daddy?" asked Jacob, his eyes widening in anime like fashion.
Billy Black nodded. "It began after Sirius and Remus realized they could not be together…"
At this time in history, Lord Voldemort was at the peak of his power, and to spite his arch nemesis Dumbledore, the Dark Lord decided to kill off all homosexual wizards, particularly those named Remus and Sirius.
In order to not die, Remus and Sirius devised a plan to disguise their sweet, sappy, and somewhat sickening luurrrvee. They each got themselves a female companion (more commonly known as a girlfriend), and go into hiding in a ditch next to You-Know-Who's evil bat cave until the day they would be able to rise up against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named with their rainbow flags and tight pants and unicorns and more rainbows to fight for homosexual rights.
Anyway, so, the two of them got girlfriends and decided to have a double date with them. By this time, Sirius was quite large around the stomach area, being that he was eleven months pregnant now. He wanted to keep it in there… just to make sure it was fully done. Because he was a good daddy. So, naturally, he was about to burst any time.
"So, who's your lovely girlfriend?" asked Remus to Sirius when the two approached the tiny restaurant that they were about to devour their food at.
"Her name is Eliza Thornberry! It really is amazing how easily she connects with animals!" screamed Sirius to Remus. Unneededly. In his ear.
"That's fantastic!" bellowed Remus to Sirius in return.
"Let us go inside and see our lovely, frilly female companions!" roared the baby inside of Sirius' overly large stomach.
The three ventured inside the building and to the table where their women sat waiting. The girls that Sirius and Remus had picked up were swimmers who spent far too much time in the pool, causing the chlorine to dye their normally blonde hair green because they never showered. And they also spent too much time getting spray tans, so their skin was pumpkin orange. This all resulted in a very Oompa Loompa like appearance.
The four and a half of them sat down at a table to eat their delectable meal of brussel sprouts. Yum.
The thing was, their two female companion people didn't eat. Because they were allergic to food. Especially brussel sprouts. So they broke out into ginormous ugly fatty hives. And had to be hospitalized. Forever. The End.
No. Not really. There's more.
So when all four and a half of them were at the hospital, that one half decided that it want to come out of Sirius' overly large stomach.
Thus, the next event happened.
He popped out of Sirius' mouth, and BOOM. There he was. Already walking and talking.
"He's huge!" said one of the Oompa Loompas as she rubbed ointment on her ginormous ugly fatty hives.
"That's what she said," snickered Remus.
"He bears an uncanny resemblance to Taylor Lautner," said the other Oompa Loompa thoughtfully.
"Sirius," said Remus, seriously, "We can't keep him, even though he has a gorgeous body. You know this, right?"
Sirius sniffled. "I know Remus. What should we do with him?"
"Abandonment," said Remus. "It's the only option. We'll take him to the Muggle world, where he will be safe from Lord Voldemort's evil homophobic ways."
"Wait!" cried Sirius, "Can't we at least name him?"
Remus thought about it for a moment, and at last nodded. "Yes, I suppose we can name him."
"I'll do it… IN SONG—"
"No, that won't be necessary, Sirius…"
"Well can he at least have my last name?" pouted Sirius. "Are we even married?"
"Sure," replied Remus. "Now I get to choose the rest of his name…Jacob Romulus Hollerific Strudel Chairhanger Closetmuncher Black sounds good to me."
"Oh Remus," said Sirius tearfully, "It's beautiful."
And so the two homosexual wizards left the Oompa Loompa women to their hive cream and went to Forks, Washington, in the Muggle world, where they found a "random" doorstep, and left Jacob Romulus Hollerific Strudel Chairhanger Closetmuncher Black bundled in a blanket upon it, with no idea that he would one day grow into a shape shifting werewolf with horrible taste in women.
"…and that's how you came to be," said Billy Black.
"Oh," Jacob nodded, seeming to accept this new development in his history. "I see. Well, thanks Da—I mean, Billy."
Billy nodded approvingly.
And they all lived happily ever after. The end.
This was made by alyssahhh and Cap'n Raz in honor of Eclipse and the opening of the Harry Potter themepark.
And cause the whole Sirius Black/Jacob Black & Remusisawerewolf/Jacobisawerewolf thing is kind of coincidental. (: