Envious. That was how he felt today as he walked down the sunny street with Noriko's small hand in his. He had experienced this emotion many times before, enough to recognize it for what it was as soon as it resurfaced on his heart. The question was, why was he feeling like this now? He had cast aside such emotions long ago. What part of his brain had finally snapped under the added pressure of having the awakening not only in his world, but also as a constant and important factor in his life, to bring on the ridiculous sensation that he had not felt since he was a child, looking on the happy families that had stilled in their wicked laughter when they caught sight of him in his own village?
Their lives, the lives of these fearful strangers, had once filled him with the painful jealousy that he felt now. Even knowing that he did not deserve to know such warmth. He was not a mortal man, and he did not deserve the life of anything other than the monster that he was, the monster that he knew the awakening would force him to become one day soon.
There, with her standing so sweetly in the Sun beside him, he could not see her forcing him to become such a creature. But it would happen. This he knew. He had no control over the situation, and that scared him more than it ever had before.
She tugged on his hand sweetly, pointing ahead to the ship that would take them across the main land and on to the shores of the small island that the two of them would be inhabiting for the next few weeks. A true smile blossomed across her face until she was positively beaming, the warmth touching her eyes. She pulled him along beside her, in her excited way. She was so easy to please, so giving with her love. She was beautiful, glorious, warm.
Looking at her should have made him calm, and yet it was her that inspired the sinful thoughts to begin with. He was envious of everything around her, jealous of the way her brown wool slippers fit snugly on her feet and protected her throughout their journey, hugging close to her feet and keeping her warm. Jealous of the sunlight that shone from the heavens onto her, illuminating her hair and slightly freckled skin, smooth and pale and free of conflicting scars, save for one small marking on her shoulder that he would someday ask her about. The sun added what seemed to be an impossible amount of warmth to the already radiant smile that had adorned her face from the moment she caught him staring at her. She had the presence of an angel, and he was a demon.
He was bad. He was evil. He was envious.
Envious of her easy optimism.
Envious because she was free in her love and because she knew no reason not to be, yet, while he could not even love her properly.
Envious because all around the world there were happy couples and sad couples, and they could not even consider being a couple while he was who he was.
Looking at her innocent eyes, he felt guilty. If he had any power over her at all, he would make her forget everything about his world. Forget about what he really looked like and what he knew she suspected him to be. Even if he would never forget her. Even if he had to live the rest of his life high on the memories of her being with him.
He would, right?
He was jealous, also, of the young man who spoke with her in a loud voice beside them. Banadam had little shame, and that was reflected in his rambunctious laughter, which exploded when she commented on something he said. He was open with his feelings, and could love her as a man should, instead of as the monster that Izark was.
Though in this situation hostility was probably more effective than envy, and so even knowing it was wrong, he narrowed his usually indecipherable eyes at the guard member with a clear message that conveyed his hostile thoughts. She is mine. Go away.
He leaned forward to take her hand, watching Banadam grimace as she turned her face up to smile at Izark. Happy to let someone else feel jealous for a change.
And so, envy gripping at his traitorous heart, Izark walked hand in hand with her, listening to Noriko's oblivious chatter, happy for the distraction, and jealous, still, of even the air she breathed.
A/N: Envy was written for a series that I started writing a while ago. I lost the notebook that everything was stored in though, except for this piece. Thank-you for reading and please, let me know if you're enjoying this story by reviewing. This is such a small fandom,so every one counts. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own From Far Away (Kanata Kara)