Disclaimer: I don't own KHR.
"How the hell did my life get so complicated!" Tsuna yanked at his hair, soft whine escaping his throat.
"Dame Tsuna, fix your mustache. Your wife is doing a better job than you are."
"Reborn!" whined the brunet. His legs were numb from having to sit in a tiny chair for so long, but he immediately pushed the thought aside as the little girl next to his treacherous teacher scampered toward him in a fit of giggles and readjusted the fake piece of facial hair. Red scattered his cheeks and he scratched his arm nervously. "H-He's not my wife."
"Fuck—! OWW! What was that for, Reborn-san?" Across the small table in an equally tiny seat sat Gokudera, who made Tsuna feel even less at ease than he already was.
Reborn had kicked him the leg, smile still on his face as he readjusted the baby bonnet and sat comfortably in a pair of Huggies on the large toy chest being substituted as a teacher's desk. "I don't think that kind of language is appropriate for a three-year-old."
"Uncle Reboooorn!" On cue, a tiny little Uni sat at the edge of the toy box, a pair of fake glasses adorning her eyes and pout across her lips. "You're not s'pose to hit in class! Hibari-san said so!"
"Haha, you let her hang out around Hibari-san, Reborn? No wonder she wanted to play 'school.'" Next to Gokudera was Yamamoto, and after he came to help (or rather, volunteer) Reborn babysit Uni, most of Tsuna's sanity had been lost. The worst came, however, when Reborn suggested inviting the new kid over to school. It seemed like a good idea at the time…b-but...
Having Enma Kozato 'pretend' to be his wife was the most ridiculous idea he'd ever heard!
"Ooh, haha. Gokudera, your apron's falling off. Here, I'll fix it."
"I-Idiot! Don't touch me!"
"Enma, are you really okay with this—?" Tsuna sat still in his seat as he whirled around and took in the sight of his new friend embracing his box animal. He softly gulped, pitiably reminiscing on the days where he was imagining Kyoko-chan as his beautiful bride instead.
The redhead sat there, hair the shade of his 'husband's' face as he tenderly stroked Nuts's cheek. "We're playing 'pretend', aren't we?" Scarlet orbs rose, glimmering with nonchalance as he held the sleeping Nuts tighter. "It's okay. I'll be your wife."
"O-Okay…" Gaaah, this was just too weird!
"Aw, see? Tsuna and Kozato make a good husband and wife. Ne, Gokudera, does this mean that I have to sleep on the couch tonight?" Yamamoto was quickly shut up when a foot made contact with his jaw.
"We aren't married, you f—fffreeaking baseball freak! Bah, why aren't I married to the boss?" Gokudera harrumphed, collapsing in the tiny seat with his knees reaching his chest as Uri casually rolled around on the ground. "I'd be a better wife to the boss than Kozato would, any day!"
Tsuna smiled uneasily, hand running through his hair and decided not to say anything. This was just too ridiculous.
"Now! Hehe!" Uni stood high and might next to Reborn without gaining much height, and pushed her fake glasses above the bridge of her nose. "The reason why I've gathered you all here today is because your son and daughter don't get along!"
Eeh? Wh-When the hell did they have kids?
"WHAT THE HELL!" Gokudera stood up in his seat again, smoke fuming from his ears as he rammed a fist into Yamamoto's face again. "Who would reproduce with this fffffreaking moron? Dam…darn it!"
O-On the bright side, Gokudera was keeping up with his censorship for Uni. Eheh.
"Oooh? We have kids? You know, I always imagined that if we had kids, they'd have your eyes and my hair. Ooh! Haha, they could use dynamite as a baseball bat!"
There was a silence.
"Y-Yamamoto, you've thought of what it'd be like if you had kids with Gokudera-kun?"
"Haha! We're married, aren't we?" Yamamoto flashed a naïve grin, unaware of the sickening blue radiating from his best friend's face. Unfortunately for the storm guardian, Uri took that same exact moment to wake up from her nap and scamper off onto Yamamoto's shoulder. "Aww, she's a cute daughter, haha."
Thoughts of little Yamamotos and Gokuderas running around together sadly didn't seem all too hysterical of a reality. Yamamoto…going fishing with their 'daughter' and Gokudera spoiling her like his little princess—
Baahh, why the hell was he thinking about this?
Tsuna snapped out of his thoughts when Gokudera grabbed the nearest object – a fluffy stuffed elephant – and shoved it into Yamamoto's face. "What the hell, you fucking moron!"
"Halt." Obediently, the guardian of the storm froze to the sound of one very scary baby hitman who currently was chewing on the nipple of a toy baby bottle. They whirled around and faced the other baby next to him, who smiled cheerfully. "Uni. What do you make of this?"
"We can play marriage counseling next." She giggled again. Tsuna arched an eyebrow. At her age, he didn't even know what the word 'counseling' meant! "It's the drama! It's the drama! Uri-chan is bullying Nuts-kun because her family doesn't get along and they're currently separated and on the brink of divorce because Yamamoto-san is currently…having an affair! Hehe!"
Was this type of exposure appropriate for a three-year-old kid? Of course not! Why was he even debating this in his head? Tsuna rolled his eyes, groaning, but could only glance to the side as Enma set Nuts in his lap and reached for a spare baby bottle, somehow lost in his own little world and playing 'wife.'
"Ehh? But I'd never cheat on Gokudera." Yamamoto pouted, hands on his lap before kindly stroking Uri under the chin. "Sorry, Princess. Daddy's been a very bad man."
"Fuck you, this is just a game!" Gokudera punched his 'husband' in the arm and yanked Uri back into his lap. "Now—give me back my fucking 'daughter' for being a bad husband."
"Ah, Reborn, why are Yamamoto and I the husbands and Gokudera-kun and Enma-kun the wives?" Tsuna looked over to the demented little fella, who currently settled in Uri's lap like a little doll.
"Isn't it obvious?" Reborn smirked, hand behind his head before he carefully shrugged. "Uri belongs to Gokudera-kun. To put it simply, Gokudera 'made' Uri and therefore is the mother."
"B-But…" Tsuna shivered as Nuts rolled onto his back and purred delightedly in the redhead's grasp. "Why am I not the mother then?" Not that I'm complaining…
"'Cause you look better in a mustache!" Uni giggled and waved a small ruler around. "Now, Yamamoto-san is cheating on Gokudera-san with Sasagawa-san – "
"The turf top?" Gokudera slapped Yamamoto upside the head and scowled. "You're fucking cheating on me with that idiot?"
"Haha…ah…well…hmm…" The swordsman rubbed his chin thoughtfully, legs crossing just as Uri scratched her owner and settled in the swordsman's lap. Kojirou appeared from out of nowhere, affectionately chirping and nuzzling up to his owner while Jirou could be seen in the corner of Tsuna's room, asleep. "True, but senpai likes baseball more, so that's probably why."
He's judging love with BASEBALL? Tsuna scratched his head and sighed. Maybe love was sports. He sucked at both anyway.
"Well, someone could have obviously told you that your chances of making it into the major leagues are slim, even if you tried your hardest!" Gokudera huffed, arms crossing irritably as he barely noticed Kojirou take flight and land silently on his head.
Yamamoto frowned. "But – "
"Obviously my opinion doesn't matter to you!" Green orbs narrowed, scowl across his face before he turned away. "And that guy is stupid enough to support you without ever thinking you should have a stable career to fall back on."
"Haha, but – "
"Is this why you cheated on me? You didn't want to take care of our two sons and little princess anymore? Fucking baseball idiot, you're horrible!"
Yamamoto blinked, head tilting in confusion before he broke into a smile and laughed. "Ooh, you're good at this, Gokudera. Haha, when you put it that way, it seems absolutely plausible that I would cheat on you. But I wouldn't, haha."
Gokudera arched an eyebrow. "You wouldn't?"
"Well, I've never cheated in baseball, so why would I cheat in my marriage, haha?" Yamamoto petted Uri lightly. "The kids come first, ne?"
"R-Really?" Alarmed, the silver-haired teenager looked away, hands crossed above his chest as red dusted across his cheeks. "Not that I care! Hmph!"
They were really buying into this. Oh by Vongola Primo. Tsuna pressed a palm to his face, soft groan escaping his lips.
"Ooh! Change of events, change of events!" Uni broke into a grin and retied Reborn's baby bonnet.
"Looks like they may end up renewing their wedding vows." Reborn chuckled softly, fingers rubbing into his sideburns before he looked over to his student. "And them, Uni?"
On cue, Nuts woke up from his nap. He idly stretched, smile across his face as he buried his face into the crook of Enma's neck with a soft, "Gao~" Tsuna sighed, deciding best to just give in now. At least Nuts was calm, away from his shyness and completely comforta—
"Nya!" Uri jumped from her 'father's' grasp, quickly tackling Tsuna in the face before ricocheting and taking the poor lion as her prey. Nuts yelped in horror, and they were off wrestling about in the corner.
"N-Nuts!" Tsuna frowned, but knew it wasn't anything serious. H-Hopefully.
The brunet turned to his right, quickly alarmed as his 'wife' spoke for the first time since they started the game. He opened his mouth to speak, but Enma seemed too enticed with the wrestling to care.
"Kozato-san and Sawada-san are much younger than the Yamamotos," chirped a cheerful Uni. She hummed, feet waving back and forth at the edge of the chest as she fed Reborn a baby bottle. "Sawada-san is the tenth boss of a very powerful family and he's only very powerful when he wears his gloves." Wh-why did that sound very familiar? "But Kozato-san and he aren't married yet, and they're a teenaged couple, so Nuts is their illegitimate child, hehe."
Illegitimate. That was another word Tsuna was positive he didn't know when he was the age of three. He arched an eyebrow, but kept his mouth shut.
"And Nuts-kun got Uri-chan pregnant, so the Yamamotos are really angry!" She nodded her head in confirmation, darkly stroking her chin. "So they demand that Sawada-san and Kozato-san cough up the money."
"What?" whined Gokudera. He frowned, eyebrows furrowing in irritation. "I could never get angry with the Tenth!"
So today Tsuna got married, had kids, and now his 'son' knocked someone else's daughter up. This was too horrible! At the sound of the word 'pregnant', Uri seemed to have gotten fiercer, claws popping from her front paw before she delivered a slash to poor Nuts's face.
"It seems like," Enma interrupted, eyes glued to the small pair of felines, "Uri is doing what little kids do when they like each other. Like how a boy picks on a girl when he likes her, but she's a girl, so…Nuts can't fight back."
"That's an interesting theory," hummed Reborn.
With no other word to be said, Uri suddenly paused from her reign of terror and glowered at the redhead before hopping off the poor lion, who scampered back to his 'parents,' and held her head high as she hopped onto Tsuna's bed before drifting off to sleep.
"Ooh," Yamamoto grinned as Nuts whimpered and rubbed his head into Tsuna's thigh, "just like her mother!"
Gokudera snapped and punched him in the arm. "Wh-What do you mean like her mother, you bastard?"
"Uni," Reborn sat up next to his niece and traded the baby bonnet for his signature fedora. "I want more milk."
"Oh," Uni said cheerfully. She hopped off the toy chest, one hand held out to the other baby before gesturing toward the door. "Let's go get some!"
"I-I guess that means that the game's over." Tsuna ran a hand through his hair, sighing in relief before he examined the poor lion. Nuts was buried between them, fast asleep with his head perched onto Enma's lap.
"Ah, I'll walk you home then, Gokudera." Yamamoto broke into a grin and recalled both his box animals. They glowed softly before returning to the shapes of rings and becoming buried in his pocket.
Gokudera glared. "Who says I need walking? Idiot." He gathered the sleeping Uri, resting her lightly on his shoulder before making his way toward the door. "…I'll see you tomorrow."
"Eh? Haha. For what?"
"Our first date, dammit!" He whirled around glaring, scowl pressed against his lips as he threatened the swordsman with a fist. "Fuck, no wonder you're so stupid – don't show up if you can't even hear me! Hmph!" He stalked off without another word.
Yamamoto blinked and looked over to Tsuna. "Haha, so does this mean I'm the girl this time?"
Like hell I know. Tsuna broke into a smile, nervously laughing and shrugged. "Y-You might wanna go see where your date is though." W-Wait. Gokudera-kun just asked out Yamamoto on a date! Wh-what?
"Hm, I wonder what kind of flowers he'll get me." Yamamoto rubbed his chin thoughtfully and walked to the door in long strides. "Oh well, I guess I'll find out later, haha. Bye Tsuna, bye Kozato."
"Bye." Tsuna stood up from his position, sigh escaping his lips as he was finally able to get away from his stress magnet known as Reborn. Now there was nothing to worry about, and he didn't have to get married! Perfect! "Ah, Enma-kun. Do you wanna stay for dinner?"
Red orbs looked up to him, head tilting to the side in curiosity. He scooped up the young cub in his hands and nodded. "Sure."
Fortunately, Tsuna thought with a smile, Enma was one of the normal mafia people that he knew. Someone who wouldn't get ridiculous over a silly game like this.
"Tsuna-kun…" The redhead leaned over, closing the small gap they had between them. Tsuna looked up, confused, only to have a Band-Aid pressed to his face. "…Uri must have cut you when she jumped. You were bleeding."
"A-Ah! Th-Thank you!" He blushed, flustered. F-For a second, he thought that Enma was actually going to kis—
"Shh," Enma muttered softly. He looked up to him, Nuts cuddled tight against his chest, and ventured closer to the brunet until their noses were touching.
Tsuna gulped. "E…Enma-kun…?"
In an instant, Enma had backed off, a good few inches between their toes as he cradled the unconscious Nuts lightly. Tsuna let out a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding, and shivered at the sweat on the back of his neck. "The baby is sleeping."
This oneshot was spose to be completely and entirely crack. Hehehe.