Disclaimer: I don't own the KND.
"You're not as lucky as your father, boy. The Uno blood runs strongly in your veins and you can't escape it! It'll burn, slowly boil your mind and simmer away at your soul. It'll be the hot whisper in the back of your head. It'll drive you insane and one day you're going to snap! The fire will consume you and when it happens, you'll be all alone. Just like Pappy, and just like ME!"
KND Audio File: Final sane recording of Benedict Uno a.k.a Father
Current Villain Status: Deceased
Somewhere in America in a dull suburb on a street that's name isn't all that important, is a house. Atop of the abode, growing right out of the roof, was a massive treehouse that seemed to blot out the sun. But that's not important either. No the important thing was the man walking out of the house.
A middle aged Nigel Uno calmly strolled out of his house, his eyes squinting at the light change. It was time like these he missed wearing sunglasses. Everything was a bit darker, but easier to make out. According to his dad, he used to wear shades almost every waking hour when he was a kid. But sadly his childhood was fuzzy and he really never felt the urge to wear the mysterious eye wear as much as he apparently used to.
He just shrugged as he continued to the mailbox. It really didn't matter. The bald man was aiming on grabbing the mail and heading back in for dinner. However, he took a misstep for he felt his foot slip up and shoot into the air. "WHOA!" The Brit lost his balance and collapsed on the pavement in a heap. He groaned as he sat up and glanced around to see what happened. Then the world stopped when his blue pupils made contact with a small rubber ball.
Nigel glared at the object and growled as he picked it up. "I thought I told him to pick this up." He grumbled with a layer of frustration. He loved his son, but the kid honestly never picked up after himself sometimes. Leaving his toys in the most absurd places. He could recall on one occasion when he found a toy car in the toilet. But really, he had plenty of space. Why not put them up in that treehouse that was apart of his home?
A wave of anger washed over him, but he just let out a deep breath. There was no need to get worked up about something so petty. Kids will be kids, he kept telling himself as he finally reached the mailbox. Trying to vent off his stress, his hand opened the cover and reached into the recesses to pull out the parcels. When his fingers didn't meet paper, just metal, his eyes slowly narrowed as he gritted his teeth. "Where. Is. It?" He snarled as it suddenly felt a little hot. Out of all the postal carriers, why did he always get the late one? He reared his palm back and slammed the box shut as he quickly drummed his fingers on top of it. "What's taking him this time?" He asked no one in particular.
His nose scrunched up as he sniffed the air around him. Weird. He smelt smoke. Were neighbors having barbeque again? So concentrated on the odor, it was no surprise that the horn blaring behind him caused him to jump ten feet in the air.
"Hey! Mr. Uno!" The bald man snapped his head around to see some young adult hopping out of a raggedy mail van. The guy lazily waved as he tried to keep the mail in his hands in order. "Sup man."
"Mark." Nigel drawled slowly, as if he were talking to a three-year-old. "This is the tenth time this has happened. I would send in another complaint, but they don't seem to make any progress."
"Chill dude. Ol' Betsy was having some wicked indigestion." The shaggy haired man responded as he banged his fist against the hood of his van. The vehicle in response spluttered and black smog erupted as the hood jumped up.
Nigel said nothing as he secured his mail in his grasp. "Well, make sure Betsy gets better or I'll make sure we get a new mailman, and the whole neighborhood is behind me!" He shouted a bit, his anger taking the best of him. He just clenched is eyes shut and rubbed over his shiny scalp. "Goodbye Mark." Where was his stress ball?
"Later dude!" The man happily called out as he twisted his keys. The engine croaked as it started and the van moved a bit down the street. But then it shook as it feel dead. Mark sighed as he reared up his foot. "C'mon girl." He chanted as he kicked down hoping for something to happen.
Leaning against the mailbox, Nigel rolled through the envelopes searching for anything worth value. "Bill, bill, bill, bubble gum ammo package, bill... Wha?" Then he heard something going on behind him. He turned to see that Mark still hadn't left yet. Before a retort to leave his lips, the van crackled and sounds similar to gunshots could be heard. After a moment, the exhaust pipe rattled and shot a bloc of black smoke out, it landing all over Mr. Uno himself. Nigel felt his jaw unhinge as he gazed at the mess blanketing his white overshirt. He rose his head up, and blankly looked on as Mark drove off.
It took a few minutes for the whole ordeal to process in his mind. When it did, the hand on the mailbox clenched, crushing the metal with it. He turned back to the mail and went through it more rapidly. The air around him started to sizzle and he tried to calm down. He was having a bad afternoon. "Bill. Bill. Bill! Report... card?" All the anger sapped out of him as he looked at the folder confused. He pocketed the rest of the mail and flipped the folder over to see who's it was. It was his daughter's.
Odd. He didn't know that the parents were supposed to go pick them up this time. It rotated from the students bringing them home to the parents going to the school themselves. But since they mailed it home, it meant that neither him or his wife went to the school. He was even more confused because his daughter always told him when Report Card pickup day was since her teachers always bragged on her.
The man waved it off as he undid the clippings with a smile. She probably forgot, his little overachiever. The girl made him proud and looking at her amazing grades always cheered him up. He could really use it after all that happened the moment he set foot out of his dwelling.
The annoying metal clasp came undone and he hooked his fingers in to pull out the sheet. He held it to the side as he adjusted his glasses to get a better view in the afternoon sun. He looked down and expected to see all A's.
Inside the Uno home, something else was going on. While their mother was in the kitchen whipping up supper, two children were on the couch delving into their various activities.
On the left cushion was a small brown haired boy. The young child sat transfixed on the T.V screen before him. His mother had put on an old movie that was rapidly becoming one of his favorites. His chocolate pupils filled with mirth as he started to giggle at the scene playing out.
"Oh it's... it's horrible! Th-They're torturing him!"
"AHH! What are we gonna do Buzz?"
"Use your head!"
"BUT I DON'T WANNA USE MY HEAD!"
"Turn that down." A girl grumbled beside him. "Some of us have work to do!"
The boy only turned to glare at his sister. Most of her figure wasn't visible due to the mountains of sheets surrounding her body. In fact the overworked kid was holding up some form over her face, reading it over to check over any possible error. He could only make out her wavy blonde hair from behind the paper as she fussed over it. He rolled his eyes. "Geez, learn to have fun once in a while." He uttered as he took the remote and cranked the volume up even louder. Suddenly it was snatched out of his hand. "Hey!"
"Give me that!" The girl yelled as she muted the movie. He then was met with raging blue pupils hidden under an old pair of sunglasses. "Maybe when you decide to move your lazy butt and are lucky enough to get a job on the moon base, you'll see how much crud I have to put up with!"
Her younger sibling scoffed as he folded his arms. "Whatever. Unlike you, I have a life outside of the Kids Next Door. So take your fancy paperwork upstairs and stop trying to ruin my fun Ms. Buzzkillington!" He mocked as he shooed her away. He then glared as he got up to turn up the volume. "Now I have to get up and do this the ancient way." He muttered as he undid the mute feature.
The blond KND operative rolled her eyes as her brother hopped back down on the sofa. "The remote's right here, dummy."
"Yeah, but now it's got all your girl germs on it!" He reasoned as he cringed.
"Just take the stupid thing." She fussed as she tried to place it in his hands. He wanted to watch the movie so bad, so he should just take the device. "You sound like uncle."
"Don't touch me!" The boy yelled as he slapped her hand away. "I don't know where your hand's have been!"
"You are just like uncle!" The girl taunted as she laughed. Her giggles quelled, then she smirked as she poked the boy with the end of the remote.
"I said stop touching me!"
"I'm not touching you." The blond replied smoothly. "The remote is." Her cheeky grin grew as she continued on with her poking. "I'm not touching you."
"I'm not touching you."
"I'm not touching you."
"I'm not touching you!"
"That's it!" The boy leapt from his seat and made a break for the kitchen. "MOM! Katie's being a meanie!"
"No I'm not!" The girl yelled back as she smacked the papers away and chased after her infuriating sibling. "Kenny is just a big baby!"
"Hey!" Kenny protested. His feet slammed down and he halted his sprint right in front of the living room exit. He turned to glare at his sister as she stopped herself from running over him. He stomped up to the girl, stood on his tiptoes, and snarled. "I am not a baby!" He growled, poking her chest with every word.
Katie didn't back down, just smirked wider. "Aw look at him, thinking he's big people." She mocked as she made a silly face at him. "You want your bottle? Oh yes you do!"
Kenny felt like ripping his hair out. "Katie!" He swatted his hands at her, but the blonde just expertly dodged them.
"Uh-oh. Fussy fussy." She tutted as she wagged a finger in the air. "Someone needs a diaper change." She laughed out loudly, enjoying his torment like any older sister would.
But Kenny would not relent. He had to stand up to the blonde girl. Not for him, but for little brothers everywhere. "You better not make me upset Katie." The boy started with a devious glint in his eyes. "I mean, you know how I am when I'm upset. I let all sorts of things slip out. You never know what I could say. I might yell out our treehouse password, our attack strategy on the Strict Adult's mansion." He then grinned evilly. "Or, I don't know, how you have the most gihugic crush on Numbuh 475!"
Katie choked on her latest jeer once he uttered that. "Y-You don't have any proof!" She argued with a visible blush.
"Oh, I have proof." He answered with a huge smile. He then reached into his tiger stripped sweater, and pulled out a red book. "A whooping seventeen pages actually."
"My dairy!" Part of her was shocked, while the other half just saw it coming.
"Dear dairy," Kenny began in a high pitched squeaky voice. "Yesterday, Ty held my hand. My hand! Well, we were running from the Pepperoni Mafia and he said I was moving too slow. But that counts right? I had to of, because his fingers just laced with mine y'know? Like it was meant to be!... Wow." The boy hooted while fanning his face a bit. "Wouldn't it just be absolutely horrible if I let this slip off my tongue tomorrow at the KND Ice Cream party all because you made me upset?" He just tsked and shook his head. "You would never live it down."
Katie's blush glowed brighter with each passing word. But her anger also bubbled along with it. She clenched and unclenched her fists as she loomed over the boy. "I swear on my cookie stash that if you even think about doing that, I'm gonna-"
"KATHRINE!" A furious voice boomed out, shaking the house and immediately killing the two siblings' rivalry. They both flinched as the front door slammed, and the temperature felt like it just went up by kajillion notches. The two stood frozen despite the heat, and just stared on as a figure walked in front of them, blocking the exit.
There stood Nigel Uno, but not as one would think he would be. The bald man stood tall with a lean strict posture. Surrounding his body was a hot ebony silhouette, it radiating pure heat. Flames flickered across his form and smoke tendrils were appearing where he was burning a hole in the carpet. His glasses gleamed with a yellow light as he looked down to his children.
Katie and Kenny just gazed stunned at their dad. When a flame popped around, they frowned as they both slumped. "Crud." They replied in unison. Who was in trouble now?
"Kathrine Uno." The man growled in deep voice as he snapped his attention to his daughter. "You, are in SO MUCH TROUBLE YOUNG LADY!" He roared, his flames building behind him.
The siblings shared a glance. Kenny shrugged as he motioned forward. Katie rose her fist at the boy, but stopped when she could feel her father's heated glare. "Uh,... for what?" She questioned, her eyes scanning the room for something.
"Don't you 'for what' me!" Nigel scolded in his Fatherhood form. "How long did you think you could hide this from me? Do you think I'm stupid? THAT I WOULDN'T FIND IT EVENTUALLY?" He yelled as he shook his fist, some folder clutched in it. The children briefly wondered what it was, and why the heck it wasn't a pile of ashes yet. "Just wait until I show this to your Mother! You better cancel all your little get-togethers with your peers because when I'm through, you are going to be GROUNDED!"
Katie and Kenny just shared a look. Before them was their dad, Nigel Uno. The former Numbuh 1 of the KND. He had been transformed into his worst kid nightmare, he had along the line of his life awakened his inner flames of Fatherhood had continued the legacy of the Kids Next Door's greatest enemies such as Grandfather and Father. It was a shame.
But Katie and Kenny had something. They had something all the other 'Fathers' apparently never had. They didn't need to pull out the S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R.s and M.A.R.B.L.E.s or call in support to bring their dad down. No, for they had the ultimate weapon to douse the flames right here in their home.
The two sucked air in their lungs and rose up their heads up and wailed. "MOM, DAD'S ON FIRE AGAIN!"
Nigel just frowned under his sharp yellow visor. "You think calling your Mother will help you?" He chuckled as he shook his head. "No one will come to aid you from the world of trouble you've put yourself in. Because no daughter of mine will get straight F'S AND GET AWAY WITH-"
"Uhh... " Nigel groaned as he saw nothing but stars as something nailed him from behind. His eyes swirled as his black cloak receded, turning him back to normal after knocking him out. The man smiled in a drunken manner as he fell to the floor, the black father cloak slithering away like a snake.
As he went down, the children looked to the woman who appeared behind him. She was dressed in causal wear seeing it was her day off, just a bright orange t-shirt and some old faded jeans she had salvaged from her closet. Her golden tinted hair was up in a ponytail and a hand to move her bangs from her eyes. Her coco brown pupils switched over the groaning mass that was her husband to the frying pan she gripped in her left hand. She winced, and felt terrible about the pain she brought him. But it was either that, or risk burning the house down. "At least we didn't need the fire extinguisher this time." Rachel mumbled to herself as she lowered her weapon. Suddenly her eye snapped to the floor as something slicked by.
The black fatherhood cloak was nothing more than some stringy blot on the floor. It was making its way back to its host, it being driven by its purpose. That stupid woman kept it from punishing the children of the world, so it had to make do on Uno's kids. But the man had learned the control the flames and it could only spring up when he was really mad. Besides the girl was asking for it! All there was on that report card were big fat F's! But right when it was about the try and entangle Nigel, water was sprayed down on it and it reared back.
"Scat!" Rachel snipped as she used the water sprayer in her other hand to douse the black cloak. "Shoo!" The cloak had the gull to hiss at her, and she hit the thing dead on, it whimpering under the volley of water. Once it was weak, Rachel raised her foot and stomped down it, it whimpering lowly as it shrunk and died. "Stupid thing." The woman huffed as she dug her foot in the floor. Once it was all said and done, she turned to her children. They just stood there and watched it all. Her eyes moved from them, to the frying pan, to Nigel slowly regaining consciousness. She offered a sheepish looked as she chuckled. "Heh, heh... Uhh... manwhich okay with you kids?"
It took a moment for them to respond. Then they just smiled a nodded. "Sure." Kenny answered for them both. Normally. Like he just didn't see his mom knock his dad upside the skull.
Speaking of Nigel.
"My head." Nigel moaned as he held the back of his hard noggin. His hand reached around on the floor aimlessly for his glasses after they had been knocked off. Once he found them, he put them back on and stood up to address his spouse. "Rachel! What the bloody hee-eck was that for?" He said, quickly catching himself once he remembered his kids were present. But that didn't quell his anger at getting the smack down. "Why in the world did you try and bash my skull in with a frying pan!"
"It's the Full Moon pan." She reasoned peacefully. "For when you have one of your... 'episodes'." She stated with air quotes.
Nigel's eyes suddenly widened when presented with that information. "O-Oh." He gaped blankly. He nervously glanced around the room looking for scorch marks. "I didn't burn down anything this time did I?" Rachel's answer was to look down and he followed her stare to the very noticeable hole in the carpet. "Sorry." He replied apologetically while cursing his uncle's name. Even from the grave the man still causing him problems. He then looked up when he felt is wife's lips on his cheek.
"It's fine. I needed a reason to buy a new one anyway." She said honestly as she pulled away. She then patted him on the shoulder as she retreated into the kitchen. "Come on solider, we better put ice on that."
Nigel was about to follow Rachel, but then remembered his kids were still there. He turned to them and gave a loving look in apology for his actions. "You guys know I love you and would never hurt you right?"
The two kids only rushed up hugged the man's legs in reply. "We know dad." Nigel only smiled as he watched Katie return to her papers on the couch and Kenny rewind his movie to see the end. He said nothing as he went into the kitchen.
"Oh stop being a baby." Rachel muttered as she placed the ice pack against Nigel head.
"That's easy for you to say." The man grumbled as he held the pack to his head, ignoring the hiss as the frozen water meet his abnormal body heat. The couple was currently in the homey kitchen with him sitting at the table and Rachel attending to both him and the sizzling hamburger mix on the oven. Nigel laid his arm down on the table and moaned. "You're not one the who got hit."
"And you're not the one who had to hit her husband." He winced when she uttered that. But before he could say anything, Rachel held up another hand. "Look, let's not worry about it. I'll make it up to you later."
Despite the situation, Nigel couldn't help but smirk. "Are you alluding to something Mrs. Uno?"
Rachel only hooded her eyes and winked. "That's up to you, Mr. Uno." After that proposal, she said no more as she turned away from a flustered Nigel to the dinner that was almost ready.
The bald man fiddled with his sleeve collar as he tried to cool off. But his eyes couldn't help but travel to his wife as some words from long ago came to his mind.
...one day you're going to snap! The fire will consume you and when it happens, you'll be all alone. Just like Pappy, and just like ME!
He could never remember who said that, and really didn't care who did. But all he knew was that the voice was wrong. Rachel had always been there for him. Had stuck by him when everything became unbearable. And every day she gave him a reason to fight back. He loved her and their children, and no fiery force was going to change that.
"By the way, what made you lose it this time?" The blonde idly asked as she stirred the mix. "The last time you snapped was when those sickos tried to snatch up Katie." That was quite the ordeal. It was late at night, and she woke up to see Katie and her friends gawking as Nigel tried to roast five adults who spoke in creepy unison.
The man's eyes traveled to the ceiling as she tried to recall. "I don't know. It was a bad afternoon. I tripped on Kenny's toy, Mark is late with the mail again, Betsy ruins my clothing...!" Suddenly it all came back to him. He reached under the table and pulled out a folder. "Oh and Rachel, have you seen our daughter's report card?" He growled as the woman took the thing out of his hand, smoke trails left in its wake.
Confused, Rachel looked at the report and had to catch herself from dropping it. The sheet was covered in F's. Not a single good grade. Her eye twitched and she thought it was all some cruel joke. But then her eyes caught the note the principle had attached.
Mr. and Mrs. Uno, your daughter has a bright and brilliant mind. But as you can see above, she needs to focus it on her schoolwork and NOT this 'Child Next Door' nonsense.
Back in the living room, Kenny bent down and removed the DVD from the player once the movie ended. Then he smiled as he reached into the counter and pulled out the sequel. He got to see all three in one night!
As he waited for the movie to start, his gaze wandered over to the burnt carpet. He pursed his lips and he tried to think of the right words. "Do you think we're ever gonna need therapy because of this?" He asked his sister as he rejoined her on the couch.
"I'm already saving up for sessions." Katie responded back behind her veil of documents. "Just make sure not to tell anyone else about this. I'm not sure how many strikes dad has left before higher ups step in." She said with slight groan. She told them everything was fine but that wasn't good enough for those scaredy cats on the moon base.
"That thing in his hand was what probably got him so mad." Kenny guessed as he grabbed the remote after disinfecting it of his sister's ickyness. "It looked like some kind of report card."
Katie snapped up at that, her shades nearly falling off. "Report card!"
"KATHRINE ELENA UNO!" The girl knew she was dead because it was her mother who was yelled this time.
And she used the dreaded middle name.
Kenny just gazed at his sister's horror stricken expression. He smirked as Karma delivered some swift payback. "Ohhhh, busted."
Just another typical afternoon at the Uno household.
Basically my humorus and lighthearted take on 'what if Nigel became the new Father.' Now I love all the dark themes surrounding this idea, but I like to be different.
As always, leave a review. If you don't, then stay away from your door. Nigel might be ready to burn it down. Heh, heh.
Numbuh Phenon, signing out.