Ah, I've missed writing for Charmed. I started this fic a little more than a year ago and am now finally getting around to filling in the rest and polishing it up. It'll be posted in four chapters, most of them relatively short (at least in comparison to my usual chapter lengths). The fic actually spans ten months-the summary goes with nine months so it doesn't seem like I randomly picked some period in Patty and Sam's relationship. Well, I hope. Anyway, happy reading and as always, reviews and constructive criticism is always appreciated.

Spoilers: No particular episodes. Inspired by "P3 H2O" (2x08) and set before the show's first season so this fic is based off tidbits from the show over the years.
Disclaimer:
Charmed is owned by Spelling Television and everyone else who made the show as amazing as it has been. I'm just a fan having lots of fun.

AN: Sam's letters fall between, of course, and usually meetings between the two (in case anyone wonders about the tonal/topic gaps and the intermittence of the letters)


November 1976

Dear Sam,

I wonder where you are and why you have stayed away for so long. Do you, perhaps, sense that trouble is brewing in San Francisco? I know that you must be busy with your charges and that we will always have to put our duties above us but I wish you were here, with me. Please, Sam, we need to talk. You know I wouldn't ask if it were not important.

Love,
Patty

o

Dear Sam,

You must forgive my mother her strength. I cannot promise that she harbors no ill will towards you, but I promise you that however she must come across as to you, she means the baby no harm.

She is right, though, you know. How long I have spent wishing she wasn't, but she is, at least in part. This isn't something we can simply hide as we've done with everything else. For nine months, perhaps, we could keep this secret to ourselves, but when she begins to come into her powers, there will be too many things out of our control. We must make a difficult choice and I don't know what it will be, but I expect we will not like it. I wish, desperately, to be wrong, but I am not.

I wonder sometimes if this life and its difficult choices are all a dream. It seems so impossible that we should have such happiness so short a time ago and then such unfair choices lying before us now. Oh, Sam. If you were not in this with me, I think I would burst from it all.

Love,
Patty

December 1976

Dear Sam,

Don't think me cold for reacting the way I did. In your absence, my mother has had much to say to me and already I feel the weight of what we will have to bear. I want this baby and all the things we've talked about, I do. And though we've pretended before that we could have all that, I know it's a life that will never be ours and that things will never be that easy for us. We can't ever escape the rules and we can't ever forget them. They haunt me, always, since I've found out about the pregnancy.

But maybe you're right to be finding joy in this. Maybe for a little while, we could pretend we're normal. The holidays are coming soon and if you are in San Francisco, I want so much for us to have a few days together and to help each other forget that this was never supposed to happen before we must talk about what we are going to do.

Love,
Patty

January 1977

Dear Sam,

I'm sorry you missed New Year's. You said you had charges who needed you, but I know it was because of Victor. I forgive Victor for his leaving. How could I not when he has already borne so much? When he did his best by me and the girls and I have never believed that he made any easy choices? However much Mother clucks and shakes her head, I would never keep the girls from him, but he is my past and you, us, are my future. Our struggle is the one I commit to now. I know that in an instant, things could go very badly for us, but I love you and I believe in us, and I accept the risks.

I love her so much, this child I carry in my belly, as much as any of my girls, and it terrifies me. What am I do with this love when she is gone? Where is it to overflow? Sometimes, I wish you would convince me that it would be alright to keep her. Sometimes I think we will keep her anyway because we will love her too much.

Do you ever wonder what we are doing, Sam? Can you tell anymore what is right and what is easy? Are we selfish to want to consider keeping her even though we know she will never have an ideal life with us?

Love,
Patty

o

Dear Sam,

Please don't worry so much about the baby and me. I went to the doctor's yesterday and we are both healthy. This is no different than my other pregnancies. Everything is as it should be.

I know you feel you should be here, taking care of me, but your other charges need you and I can't ask you to abandon them. We will always be more than Whitelighter and charge, but more than ever now you must pretend I'm no different than any of your other charges. I have Mother and my girls. They take good care of me and keep my mind off things that are hard to think about.

Love,
Patty