"Hey guys, I'm here!"

Stan turned from his laptop to see his best friend standing in the doorway, holding his Macbook under his arm.

"It's about fuckin' time, Jew.", Cartman complained from his seat on the edge of his bed.

Kyle rolled his eyes and sat down on the bed next to Stan, who was trying to connect to Cartman's WiFi network. The boys had planned to get together at Cartman's house and play some World of Warcraft, since he was the only one without a laptop. Kyle powered on and began searching for network connections, watching Stan's screen to see what network he was looking for exactly. 'NoJewsAllowed'.


"Whoa, I'm surprised your mom can make enough money whoring herself to keep your signal so clear!"

"Shut up Stan, you black asshole!"


They both turned to Kyle, who was looking with half rage, half disbelief at the message on his screen.

Server down for maintenance.

"No fucking way!"

Cartman pushed Kyle off of his bed and tried to access the server again. Kyle swore and threw his hat at Cartman, who barely noticed as the same message had just popped up.

Server down for maintenance.

"The forum says it won't be back for eight hours", Stan sighed.

"Well I guess it's not just Kyle's faggy Macbook, then."

Kyle put his hat back on as Stan shifted to make room for him on the large mattress. Cartman had a king size bed, but only because he needed it. The room was cramped enough that Cartman could sit on his bed while using his computer, and he pushed Stan and Kyle back as he got up from his place to sit down.

"Well what do we do now?", Stan said in a whiny tone, propping his head up with his palm.

Cartman snickered and began typing something on his keyboard.

"How about we meet some new friends?"


"Okay, that's a guy jacking off."

"Cartman, we've been looking at dicks for 20 minutes now, let's watch TV or something.", Kyle said, exasperated. Cartman had assured them that they would find someone 'kewl' to talk to in under five minutes, and he and Stan were getting bored.

"I told you guys, you gotta wade through the dicks."

Stan rolled his eyes and grabbed the mouse out of Cartman's chubby hand.

"If you want to look at a buncha' dicks, let's at least watch some fuckin' porn."

Kyle squirmed a little on the bed and Cartman made a noise between protest and agreement.

"Aww, Stan, you know I don't like that stuff with the huge tits!"

Stan rolled his eyes and looked at Kyle, "How can you not like tits, dude?"

"Eh...I guess as long as it's not Cartman's mom."


Stan bit his lip as watched the two women on the screen rub oil on their breasts. His hand moved to the front of his pants and Kyle shifted uneasily.

"Let's watch something else, please?"

"Don't be a fag."

Stan unzipped his fly Kyle made a move for the keyboard.

"No, Kyle!"

Cartman sighed as the two boys wrestled for control of the Mighty Porn.

Suddenly Kyle heard a loud moan come from the speakers. He lifted his head from under Stan's armpit to find Cartman had made his own choice of viewing.

"What the-"

"Well if you guys are gonna act like fags, I thought we'd watch something more suited to your kind."

There were two men on the screen now, kissing deeply and beating each other off.

Stan blanched and Kyle turned bright red.

"This is worse than Chatroulette."


"Oh fu-fuck..why am I..ha..jacking off to this?"

"Because it's ha-hot!", Kyle answered.

Cartman, still hogging the best seat right in front of the monitor, was barely making any noise; clutching the pale blue sheet with his left hand as he stroked himself.

Kyle had to wonder how Cartman had found a scene with a man sporting a hairstyle so similar to his so quickly. The thought scared him a little.

"H-hey Cartman?"


"Why does that guy look like me?"

Stan turned white again and stopped servicing himself. A loud moan from the video breaking the silence awkwardly.

"Yeah..he does...not cool man."

He reached to his left for the mouse. Cartman, blushing like a beet in summer, grabbed his hand.

"It's just a fucking coincidence, OK‽", he growled through clenched teeth.

Kyle lunged for the keyboard and Cartman caught his wrist in the other hand.

"Just forget about it!", and then, as the boys made a move for the computer again, "If you tell anyone I swear I'll kill you both with my bare hands!"

Kyle stared at him in silence. His face red, his pants half-off. Cartman twitched slightly and swallowed hard. His grip on Kyle's hand tightened.

"I swear if I wasn't so fucking horny, fat-ass, I-"

Kyle's last words were swallowed by the insistent mouth of one very unreasonable Eric Cartman.

"Sick, dude!"

Kyle, while seeming to share Stan's sentiment, was unable to stop the large boy from forcing his tongue down his throat. Cartman pushed him back onto the bed, his large hands finding their way through Kyle's hair and over his chest. Stan grabbed the boy's broad shoulders and forced him off of Kyle, who was panting and blushing from lack of air.

"Th-anks, dude."

"Yeah, let's get out of he-"

Stan's words were blocked by Kyle's lips, working against them as he pushed his best friend back on the mattress, hands pinning his upper arms to the pale blue sheets. Cartman made a noise of indignation, just now getting up from where Stan had pushed him. Kyle was being met with less and less resistance, finally breaking away when his already strained lungs threatened to give out.


"Just..just get me off Stan, please-"


"Please Stan."

Stan looked at his best friend, hair ruffled, face blushed, clothes wrinkled, lips parted... and then at Cartman, giving him a death stare and sporting the biggest hard-on he had ever seen.

"We..we tell no one of this."

"Of course", Kyle nodded vigorously.

Stan took a shaking breath and pulled Kyle forward, his hand wandering to the back of his neck as he whispered in his ear.

"What do you want me to do?"

Kyle turned and caught Stan in a kiss before replying, "Suck me off", he moved down to kiss Stan's jaw, "I- I'll do you at the same time."

"Ay, where am I in this?"

"You're lucky you get to watch", Kyle laughed.

"I hate you guys."


This was supposed to be a one-shot, but it got too long... Chapter two on the way!

Please tell me how you like it so far. :3