A/N: For Clai, just because [It may have something to do with the review reply she sent me that said update over and over and over again ;)] But anyway, I started this a long time ago and couldn't decide on where to end it, this was actually twice as long but it just didn't feel right so I cut the last part off. Title from the song 'Wherever You Will Go' by The Calling. Hope you enjoy! Reviews please! Love Kelly, X.
It was drinks at Joe's that started it all. Some time between the appendectomy incident and the 'men of SG' camping trip. They didn't go together. Addison was there. Meredith was there. And they just happened to sit next to each other at the bar. They both admittedly find it awkward. But then the alcohol is flowing and they actually find themselves laughing along with each other. And Joe can't help but laugh at them.
"How come we never talked like this before?" Meredith giggled.
"You've asked me that already!" Addison slurred.
"You are very very interesting on morphine"
"Oh" Meredith blushed "I said inappropriate things didn't I"
"Yeah but, I don't care" Addison shrugged.
"Ladies, it's closing time" Joe said approaching them with a smirk.
"But Joeeee, we never talk like this!" Meredith whined.
"You won't even remember in the morning" he laughed "Come on, finish your drinks and go get some rest, do you need me to call you a cab?"
"I got it" Addison said downing her drink grabbing Meredith's arm and dragging her out of the bar "We should get Joe to call me a cab!" Meredith exclaimed as the air hit her face.
"I have alcohol in my hotel room" Addison grinned.
"We should get Joe to call us a cab to your hotel room!"
"No need" Addison said waving over a nearby cab, she opened the door and pulled Meredith in "The Archfield please Mr Cab Driver"
They're laughing the entire car journey, the entire elevator ride up to Addison's room and for 10 minutes after that as they fall onto the bed. And they don't even get to the alcohol because then they're kissing, and clothes are coming off, and before they can even blink they're naked. And alcohol and nakedness only really leads to one thing.
They wake up with their bodies entwined together. As soon as their eyes meet they scream. Then groan. And like Joe predicted, they didn't remember a thing. And they both just sit up in the bed holding the sheets against them staring into space.
"We can just forget it ever happened" said Meredith "I'll just get dressed and leave, and we'll forget it ever happened"
"Yeah" Addison nodded "It's not like we really remember it anyway"
"Exactly" Meredith agreed "I mean, we were drunk, it's not like it meant anything"
"Right, I agree, completely agree"
"Ok then so, code of silence?"
"Code of silence"
They find it quite easy to avoid each other. It's not like they hadn't been doing it before anyway. But then they're both avoiding Derek like the plague and he happens to round a corner they're both walking towards and Addison ends up dipping into a supply closet and jumping out of her skin when she sees Meredith in there. And they don't really know how it happened but the lock was clicked on and they were going at it against the door.
"Code of silence?" Addison breathed as they quickly threw their clothes back on.
"Code of silence" Meredith nodded.
But the thing is they can't stay away from each other. And it always ends the same. An agreement of a code of silence. Even though the sounds that come from their mouths when they're doing the deed are far from silent.
"Why are we doing this?" Meredith asked as she lay next to Addison in a locked on-call room.
"We enjoy each other"
"You get how wrong this is right?"
"Yeah" Addison laughed "Doesn't mean we can't enjoy it"
"True" Meredith smirked, she moved so she sat on top of Addison, straddling her body, she leaned down and kissed her softly "I really enjoy it" she said with a grin.
"Me too" Addison grinned back.
It's when they've been together, or not together, for 3 months that everything starts to feel different. They both know that they need to stop, that feelings are starting to seep into it. Just by the way they hold each other in a postcoital bliss. The way they fall asleep in each others arms. But they both know that Derek Shepard is still a big factor. And Addison decides it's time to take charge.
"You still love him" Addison said softly as she ran her fingers through Meredith's hair, they lay wrapped in each others arms in Addison's hotel room, the sheets resting on their hips, their bare chests pressed together.
"Yeah" Meredith sighed.
"You should fight for him Meredith"
"He doesn't want me"
"That's bullshit and you know it" Addison smirked.
"I get back with him and this ends you get that right?"
"It's for the best" Addison said softly "I'll miss this but, it's for the best"
"One last time?" Meredith asked hopefully.
"One last time" Addison laughed kissing her quickly "Code of silence?"
"Code of silence" Meredith whispered before climbing on top of her.
"I don't want to go" Meredith sighed kissing her softly after another round of what they knew was lovemaking "I don't want this to end"
"I can't fall in love with someone who's in love with someone else, I can't do that again Mer" Addison said sadly "I have to stop this before, before I get hurt again"
"I don't want to hurt you"
"I know you don't want to" Addison said softly "And you won't mean it when you do, but you will, because you love him Meredith, you don't love me"
"I do" Meredith whispered kissing her softly "I do love you"
"But you love him more" Addison said firmly "Please Meredith, let me let you go, please, I've never asked you for anything before, but I'm asking you to do this for me, we'll always have this, our time together" Addison said tearfully "We'll always have this, and we'll always remember it, and you will always have a place in my heart, always, I promise you that"
"Let me stay tonight, please, just one more night, please" Meredith said kissing her tearfully "Can we just hold each other, just for one more night"
"Ok" Addison whispered squeezing her a little "But, please be gone before I wake up, promise me"
"I promise" Meredith said kissing her softly "I promise you, I love you Addison"
"I love you too" Addison said kissing her again, Meredith turned onto her side and pressed her back against Addison's chest, Addison wrapped her arms around Meredith and kissed the back of her neck before closing her eyes and slowly drifting to sleep.
As Addison woke the next morning she was faced with an empty bed, she sat up pulling the covers close to her, her eyes instantly falling on a note on what was Meredith's pillow, she picked it up shakily and opened it out.
'The love that lasts the longest is the love that can never be. I don't know where I heard that but I think of it and think of us.
You will always have a place in my heart. And I will never forget us. I love you. Meredith. X.'
Addison collapsed down onto the pillow, breathing in Meredith's scent as tears started to fall. Her hands suddenly touched a piece of fabric, she pulled on it and held in her hands Meredith's Dartmouth shirt, the tears didn't stop falling. She called in sick that day.
The next month is hard on both of them, more-so Addison than Meredith for the pure reason that she has to watch the reunion of Meredith and Derek. Sometimes when she catches Meredith's eye she gets an apologetic look in return which only really makes her feel worse. And sometimes when she sees them together she dips into the nearest empty room or supply closet to let a few tears fall. And she doesn't know if she feels better or worse when Meredith follows her into one and wraps her arms around her.
"I'm so sorry" Meredith whispered "I'm so sorry Addie, I'm sorry"
"I'm fine" Addison sniffled "I'm fine, just go, please"
"Addie" Meredith sighed "I can't leave you like this"
"Mer please, I can't" Addison sobbed "I can't do this"
"I'm only doing this because you asked me too" Meredith said kissing her forehead before leaving, Addison collapsed down onto the upturned bucket and cried into her hands.
"Now, are you going to explain what's going on or do I have to guess?" Bailey said walking into the closet and slamming the door shut.
"I'm fine" Addison said standing up and wiping her eyes.
"Oh really?" Bailey smirked "Then why are you crying, and why has Meredith Grey been giving you sad puppy eyes for weeks, and why…."
"Because I'm in love with her!" Addison exclaimed, she froze suddenly as Bailey's eyes widened "Crap" she groaned.
"OK, you're kind of going to have to explain this one to me Addison" Bailey said firmly.
"About 4 months ago we got really drunk and we ended up back in my hotel room and, well, you get the picture, and we made a pact that it wouldn't happen again but it kept happening and we fell in love, we fell in love and, I couldn't, I couldn't let myself get hurt again, because she still loves Derek, I sent her back to Derek, which is what she's done but, it's, it's hurting more than I thought it would" Addison said with a sob "God I'm so screwed up"
"Addison" Bailey sighed "Why? Why would you do that if you knew she still loved him"
"I didn't want to fall in love with her Miranda" Addison said wiping her eyes "It was just sex, it was supposed to be just sex, and, and now, god, I love her so much, I think, I think I might have to leave"
"What?" Bailey exclaimed "What do you mean leave?"
"My best friend from med school, Naomi, she has a practice in LA, the last four times she's called she's offered me a job and, I might have to take it, I can't stay here anymore, I came here to get my husband back, and that, that obviously didn't happen, and now I've fallen in love with the woman my husband left me for" Addison said with a saddened laugh "I have to leave, I have to"
"You've already said yes haven't you" Bailey said quietly.
"I leave in 3 days" Addison nodded "Don't, don't tell anyone, especially her, please, please Miranda, I just need to go and not look back"
"I'm not happy about this. At all." Bailey said firmly "But, if it's what you want then, then fine, I won't tell anyone"
"Thank you" Addison whispered.
Meredith instantly knows something is wrong when Addison doesn't turn up to work 5 days on the trot, and then she sees two janitors clearing out her office, then she knows something is really wrong, so she heads for the person who knows everything about everyone and hopes for an answer.
"Dr Bailey" Meredith said quietly pulling her to one side "Do you know where Adi...Dr Montgomery is?"
"Why?" Bailey said firmly.
"I just haven't seen her around and, I just wanted to, make sure she was ok" Meredith finished awkwardly.
"She's safe, but she's not ok" Bailey said sadly "She's gone Meredith"
"What do you mean gone?"
"She got a job offer, she took it, she needed to get away, there isn't anything here for her anymore"
"So that's it? She's gone? Just like that. No goodbye or anything?" Meredith exclaimed.
"She said, she said she needed to go and not look back" Bailey sighed "Just let her go Meredith, that's all she wants, to let you go, to move on"
"She told you" Meredith whispered.
"She told me" Bailey nodded "She really loves you y'know, she wasn't even this bad when the divorce went through, she just wants you to be happy, and she knows you still love Derek, she wants you to be happy so, let her be happy too" Bailey said before walking away.
Meredith lay in bed that night, Derek fast asleep next to her, his arm slung over her waist and she had to let silent tears fall. She looked down at the arm and found she wished it was a long feminine arm with a perfectly manicured hand. She looked at Derek's face, the roughness of his skin, the dark curly hair, and all she wanted to see was the soft features of Addison's face, the red hair and the pale smooth skin. She looked at Derek and she didn't feel that twinge in her heart she always felt before, she thought of Addison and it felt like her heart was breaking. She knew then that she had no choice. She knew then, she'd made a huge mistake.
"Dr Bailey please" Meredith begged the next morning "Please tell me where she is"
"She doesn't want you to know Meredith" Bailey sighed.
"I don't want to lose her" Meredith said tearfully "I love her, all I want is her, I pick her, I choose her, I want her, and I will fight you, every single day, I will fight you until you tell me where she is"
"And what about Derek Meredith? Have you told him it's over? And what are you going to do when you get there? You have an intern year to finish"
"I'll transfer" Meredith said simply "And I'm talking to Derek tonight, once I know where Addison is"
"If she kills me I'll come back from the dead and kill you" Bailey said with a sigh, she took out a piece of paper and scribbled down the name of Addison's practice "That's where she is" she said handing it to her "As soon as you've made a decision on where you're staying, call me, I'll get a transfer sorted, just, just be careful Meredith" she said softly.
"I will" Meredith nodded "Thank you Bailey, for everything"
"Just go and be happy Meredith" Bailey smiled squeezing her hand before walking away.
Meredith left the hospital soon after talking to Bailey, heading straight to the house to pack, she piled in as much stuff as she could into her suitcases, taking everything she possibly could. It was early in the evening when Derek appeared in her bedroom doorway, sending her a puzzled look as he saw the array of suitcases.
"What's going on?" he frowned.
"Go and wait in the living room, I'll be there in a minute" Meredith said not looking him in the eye, Derek sighed and walked back down the stairs, Meredith took a minute before closing her last suitcase and walking down the stairs, she walked into the living room to find Derek sat on the edge of the sofa.
"What's going on Meredith?" he asked "Why are you packing?"
"I'm transferring" Meredith said quietly.
"Okay" Derek said slowly "Why? Why do you need to transfer?"
"Because, because I'm in love with someone else Derek" Meredith said sadly.
"What?" Derek exclaimed "How, how can you be in love with someone else? You, you came back to me? Who, who the hell are you in love with?"
"When we broke up, I started seeing someone, it was just a sex thing at first but then, then we started to fall in love and, I do love you Derek, and this person, this person knew I still loved you and, and they said it would be best for both of us if I just went back to you, so I did, but now this person is gone, it, it's made me realize that, I love this person too much to let them go"
"Who is it Meredith?" Derek almost growled "Is it Mark?"
"Why would I transfer if it was Mark?" Meredith exclaimed.
"I don't know! But I've got a feeling I know this person" Derek said with a hiss.
"It's Addison" Meredith said dropping her head a little.
"What d'you mean it's Addison?" Derek exclaimed.
"The person I'm in love with, the person who sent me back to you, the person who has picked up her life and moved because she can't watch me with you, is Addison, Addison is the person I love"
"You. Cannot. Be. Serious." Derek said firmly.
"I'm sorry Derek" Meredith sighed "But I can't stay with you, it wouldn't be right, I can't let you love me when I'm in love with someone else, that's not fair, on either of us"
"I can't believe this" Derek whispered "How long were you even together?"
"3 months" Meredith said simply "So there was no, cheating" she stuttered "We were both single when it started, and when it finished, but by loving her when I'm with you, it feels like cheating"
"So that's it? You're going to pick up your life and move to god knows where to be with my ex-wife?" Derek finished with a shout "Are you insane?"
"No Derek, I'm not" Meredith said firmly "I'm sorry if this is hurting you, I truly am, but do you really want to be with me if I'm not in love with you? Is that what you want?"
"I want you to LOVE ME!"
"Well, I don't!" Meredith said calmly "I think you should leave Derek"
"I think I might just do that" Derek whispered "How could you do this to me Meredith?"
"I'm sorry" Meredith said sadly "But this is for the best"
"Right" Derek said shakily "So this is goodbye then"
"Yeah" Meredith breathed "I leave in the morning"
"I hope, I hope you're very happy together" Derek said, his voice void of any emotion, he stepped forward and kissed her hard on the lips before letting her go and walking out of the door, Meredith fell back onto the sofa and let a few silent tears fall.
"Mer?" Izzie shouted walking into the house "Why did Derek just look like you'd killed his pupp….oh, are you ok?" she asked as she found Meredith crying "You just disappeared today"
"I'm fine" Meredith said wiping her eyes "Where's everyone else, I wanted you all here"
"Cristina's getting pizza, Alex is running here" she said slightly disbelievingly "And George is just leaving, is everything ok? The note just said that you needed to talk"
"Let's just wait for everyone else" Meredith said wiping her eyes.
Meredith and Izzie waited in almost silence for 15 minutes before the others arrived, they all looked at them slightly puzzled, Cristina put the pizza on the coffee table and sat down.
"What's this about Mer?" she asked simply.
"I'm moving" Meredith said quietly.
"What do you mean moving?" George frowned.
"As in, moving to LA" Meredith sighed.
"What? Why?" Cristina exclaimed.
"I thought you were all, bright and shiny with Shepard? Did he do something? Do I need to kick his ass?" Alex asked.
"No" Meredith said with a laugh "Well, the thing is, when me and Derek were broken up, I started seeing someone else, I fell in love with someone else"
"You fell in love with someone else" Cristina said with a raised eyebrow "How do I not know about this?"
"Because it was kind of, a secret"
"They're not married are they?" Izzie asked hopefully.
"No" Meredith laughed "Not anymore anyway, uh, the thing is is that, the person I love, the person I was seeing for the 3 months before I got back with Derek, the person who made me go back to Derek because they thought it was for the best, that person, is, is Addison"
Everyone looked at her slightly bemused, it only took them a second before they burst out laughing.
"Ok, good one Mer" George laughed "You and Addison, ok then"
"Very good, you've got us" Cristina laughed.
"Guys!" Meredith shouted causing them all to shut up "I'm not kidding! I'm the reason she left, she's in LA, she doesn't know I'm going but, I have to, I love her, I love her so much, I love her more than I ever loved Derek, I love her, so I'm moving to LA, I've finished things with Derek, he knows why, Bailey knows too, she's getting me a transfer, this is happening, this is real, I'm not selling the house, so it's yours, get a new roommate, it's up to you, but I'm moving, my flights first thing in the morning"
"Meredith" Cristina gasped "You can't be serious"
"I really am" Meredith nodded "I'm so serious, I love her" she said with a small smile.
"So that's it, you're just picking up your life, moving to LA" said Izzie.
"Yeah" Meredith sighed.
"That is so romantic" Izzie almost squealed wrapping her arms around her "I'll miss you and I think you're slightly crazy but, if she makes you happy Mer, that's all I want...and free holidays"
"Ok Iz" Meredith laughed.
"Just don't forget us ok?" George said squeezing her hand.
"I'll never forget you" Meredith smiled "I'll call, all the time, and I'll visit, I promise"
"You've done a lot of surprising things Grey but this, this tops them all" Alex smirked "But, go get her" he smiled.
"I will" Meredith smiled, she looked over at Cristina expectantly.
"She's breaks your heart and I break her ok?" Cristina said firmly.
"Ok" Meredith nodded "I love you guys"
"Yeah yeah, we love you too" Cristina smirked "Dyke"
"Bitch" Meredith said hitting her on the arm.
The following morning Meredith loaded her suitcases into her car, she left some boxes for Izzie to send on later. She said goodbye to Alex, Izzie and George and got into the car with Cristina. They drove to the airport in a comfortable silence, and they both shed small tears as Meredith checked in, tears that they both swore they would never speak of again. As Meredith sat down on the plane her heart thumped inside her chest, all she could think of was seeing Addison again, Addison was all she wanted. And then she was in a rental car packed full of suitcases and she was following directions to Addison's practice. She pulled up outside the red brick building and made her way up to the 5th floor, as she stepped out she was greeted by a sandy haired surfer boy who told her they were still closed, she asked to see Addison, said she was an old friend, they exchanged names and Dell led her to Addison.
"Addison, someone to see you" Dell said stepping into the conference room.
"We don't open for another 15 minutes" Addison said simply.
"She's not a patient" Dell said stepping to one side to reveal Meredith.
"Meredith" Addison breathed "What are you doing here? How did you, how did you know where, where to find me?"
"Bailey said don't kill her" Meredith said quietly "Did you really think you could just leave? Did you, did you really think that would, that would make me stop loving you!"
"No" Addison whispered "But I couldn't stay there Meredith" Addison said standing up and walking over to her, ignoring the curious glances between everyone in the room "I couldn't watch you, and him, I just, I couldn't"
"I know" Meredith said sadly "Which, which is why, last night, I told him everything"
"I told him everything, I told him that the person I love, the person I am completely and utterly in love with, is you, I love you Addison, I want you, and I am not leaving you, ever, Bailey's putting a transfer through as we speak"
"Meredith" Addison said shakily "You can't be serious"
"Serious" Meredith nodded "I promise"
Addison just stared at her blankly, she looked into her eyes and saw nothing but love, she suddenly pulled Meredith into her body and kissed her hard on the lips "I love you so much" she whispered into them before kissing her again, their tongues tasting one another's, small moans escaping the back of their throats, not really caring that everyone's jaws had completely dropped.
"Why don't I show you my office?" Addison whispered.
"Yes please" Meredith grinned letting Addison pull her from the room.
"Holy crap that was hot!" Cooper exclaimed, Violet smacked him on the back of the head.
"I knew she was hiding something!" Naomi exclaimed "But that, that I was not expecting"
"Since when does Addison like women?" asked Sam.
"I have no idea" Naomi smirked "But apparently she does now"
"I have something for you" Addison said as they stepped into the bedroom later that day, boxes surrounding the room, she disappeared into the closet and came back out holding Meredith's Dartmouth shirt.
"I thought I lost this" Meredith laughed taking it from her.
"You left it in my hotel room" Addison said softly "I found it the morning, the morning you left, I know I should have given it back but I just, I needed something y'know?"
"I know" Meredith said pecking her lips softly "I love you"
"I love you too" Addison smiled kissing her again "So, I, I need to know what happened, in Seattle, with Derek, and your friends, I want to know"
Meredith led them over to the bed and sat with her back against the headboard, she gestured for Addison to move next to her, Addison climbed onto the bed and lay with her head on Meredith's lap, Meredith started to softly run her fingers through Addison's hair.
"Spill it" Addison sighed.
"Well I told Derek first, he walked in on me packing so we went downstairs to the living room and I told him I was transferring, that I was in love with someone else, and it wasn't fair on any of us if I stayed in Seattle, he suggested that it was Mark" Meredith said with a smirk.
"Why would you transfer if it was Mark?" Addison said with a laugh.
"That's exactly what I said" Meredith laughed "Well, then I told him it was you he said I was insane, I told him exactly when it started, that we were never together when I was with him, he was upset, obviously, I asked him if he really wanted me to stay with him when I didn't love him and he said he just, he just wanted me to love him, and then he was all, how could you do this and, god Addison I felt awful, I just kept telling him I was sorry, he said he hoped we were very happy together, which I'm sure he didn't mean, and then he left"
"Are you okay?" Addison asked reaching up and stroking Meredith's cheek.
"I feel bad about it but, do you remember when you said you couldn't be with me if I loved someone else? I couldn't do that to him, no matter what he's done to me, or to you, I couldn't do that to him, I didn't want to hurt him, I just, I did, I hate that but, I want you Addie, I love you"
"I love you too" Addison said kissing her knuckles "Okay, your friends?"
"They thought I was kidding at first, like they actually laughed, but then I yelled at them and they got it"
"You yelled at them?" Addison asked with a laugh.
"Yep" Meredith said with a grin "They think I'm a little crazy but they'll get over it"
"They can have free holidays, we have two guest rooms"
"True" Meredith smirked "Would it be rude for me to ask to buy half of this house?"
"Uh, it's not rude but, why?"
"So it's our house, not just yours"
"Meredith, it is our house" Addison said softly "And you're on an interns salary, you're not spending it all on this house"
"Addison, you do know who my mother is right?" Meredith smirked "You're not the only one with a trust fund, it's not as big as yours but, I could probably buy this house twice over, if I needed money I would have sold my mothers house, but I don't so, let me do this Addie"
"Are you sure?" Addison said with a raised eyebrow "Because this is big Mer, buying a house with someone, it's serious"
"I just moved across the country for you Addison, how much more serious can we get?" Meredith said with a laugh "Just say yes"
"Ok" Addison laughed sitting herself up and kissing Meredith hard on the lips "Yes" she whispered into them.
"I missed you so much" Meredith said quietly "I'm so sorry I didn't, that I didn't realize how, stupid I was being, I didn't, I wasn't still in love with him, I was in love with you and, I'm so sorry"
"It's ok" Addison said softly "It's ok Meredith, you needed to, make sure I guess, I wanted you too, I could've been selfish, I could've told you to forget him but I knew you, I knew you didn't know, and I needed you to know, and you know now right?"
"I know" Meredith smiled "I know that, I want to spend the rest of my life with you Addie"
Addison smiled at Meredith softly, their fingers linking together between their bodies "I want to spend the rest of my life with you too"
~x~ ~x~ ~x~
A/N: This quote (The love that lasts the longest is the love that can never be. S. Maugh.) was given to me by Indubitably-Epic a hell of a long time ago, this fic was originally going to end in a completely different way, more related to the quote but, I needed something a little, happier. Reviews please.