Diary of Anna Jones
(Soon-to-be Sex Goddess of Hogwarts)
I WILL NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:
Binge or snack when bored (or hungry, for that matter)
Visit the kitchens between classes
Eat chocolate whilst fantasising about Sirius Black
Lust for Sirius Black whilst studying
Leave everything to the last minute
Behave inappropriately in the common room
Get drunk with Mary
Get drunk with James Potter
Behave in an unpoised manner
Stare at myself in the mirror with self-loathing, as this is narcissistic, and also unproductive
Be seen in shabby clothes or bad hair or no makeup
Buy slutty clothes
Go for more than two days without exercise
Sneak out of school with Mary to go clubbing
Snog random men I dance with when clubbing
Imagine shagging Professor Dumbledore
Eat more than 1500 calories a day.
Go on any fad diets as have all been unsuccessful in the past.
Become a diligent student and ace all my NEWTs without needing to cram
Adopt a more zen-like approach to life
Eat three square and healthy meals a day
Stop drinking coffee
Get a proper boyfriend (someone sensible and practical like Remus Lupin, but obviously not Remus as he is taken/probably gay)
Lose virginity with said boyfriend
Read a novel a week to improve my mind
Read the newspaper every morning instead of trashy Witch Weekly
Be poised and glamorous, like Grace Kelly (or Lily Evans)
Spend more time with Lily Evans, as she is an excellent influence as opposed to Mary who always convinces me to go clubbing
Resist offers to get drunk with James Potter, as this has never lead to drunken sex with Sirius in the past (and hence is not likely to lead to such an event in the future)
Lose at least 2 ½ stones
Throw out all slutty clothes and replace with elegant clothes
Write in this diary every day
Become the sex goddess of Hogwarts by the end of the school year
January 1, 1978 -Written on January 2 (terrible)
Weight: 11 stones (disgusting)
Height: 5 ft 5 (have I stopped growing?)
Calories: 3000 (repulsive)
Drinks: 5 shots , 2 cocktails + ½ bottle vodka
Boys snogged: 2 (neither Sirius, both randoms from Witchy Business)
Hours of exercise: 3 hours (dancing is a sport)
Hours spent cursing Sirius Black's name: 24 (completely understandable)
Ugh. So hungover. Very bad start to the year.
The day started off very well. I sat down at the breakfast table, armed with the Daily Prophet and a cup of tea to replace my usual morning coffee. Only Lily Evans was there from Gryffindor, so I sat next to her. I only got to read the first page of the Lifestyle section of the Daily Prophet (very interesting article on what really turns men on) because Lily started talking to me. As she is my new role model, thought it would be wise to spend as much time with her as possible so that her good habits might rub off on me.
Because I was still tired and bloated from the day before, I couldn't bring myself to study or go for a walk, so I went back to the Common Room and sat on the couch with a Mills & Boon novel (one book a week- I never specified what kind of book!).
While Lovers Under the Sun was actually a very good read, it was a very bad idea to read it in the common room. You see, I was sitting on the couch, engrossed in the romance between Anita and Juan, when the book was suddenly snatched from my hands-
'I could feel Juan's throbbing member against my thigh as he seared my neck with hot, passionate kisses…. Who thehell reads this kind of shit?'
I stared at James Potter feeling absolutely horrified, and then looked around the common room to see that the Marauders had indeed arrived. I whimpered a little when I saw Sirius staring at me like I was some kind of idiot (which I am, I don't deny that- I just wanted to keep this little fact about me a secret from him).
I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Thankfully, Remus Lupin came to my rescue.
'James, don't be rude. I've read that book, and there's actually a very good plot to it.'
My head snapped up and, if I hadn't been 99.9% sure that Remus was gay (he reads Mills & Boon for Merlin's sake!), I would have snogged him then and there.
'You know, Moony,' Sirius drawled (my heart skipped a beat, the Sex God of Hogwarts was speaking!), 'it's embarrassing to admit to reading such trash. You're much better than that.'
I felt as though I'd just been slapped. Suddenly, I felt so stupid for ever fantasising about that stupid git.
Sirius glanced at me and I noticed that his lips twitched a little. He then looked to James and stood up.
'I'm going. I've got better things to do than listen to a psychoanalysis of Juan and Anita's relationship.'
And with that, the stupid git exited the room.
James apologised to me, gave me my book back, and left the room also. Remus and Peter followed.
So that's why I all but ran through the corridors of Hogwarts for the kitchens and demanded that the House Elves provide me with anything and everything creamy, chocolatey, cheesecakey and alcoholic. Even though the binge was bad (resolution-wise), I did have good reason.
After gorging myself on a slice of cheesecake, rum balls and two Chantilly cream donuts, I waddled miserably back to my dorm.
Thankfully, Mary had arrived. I really needed my best friend at that moment and she, as always, rose to the occasion spectactularly. It took one look of my face for her to crack open a bottle of vodka.
My memory of the rest is rather hazy. I remember recounting my horrid day, and then Mary suggesting that we should go out. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't need much convincing, either. I found my sluttiest dress (which was disturbingly tight) and put on my makeup. We started hitting the tequila shots whilst getting ready.
'Where do you two think you're going?'
We wavered as we met Lily Evans, Authoritarian Bitch of Hogwarts, in the doorway.
'We… uh…. '
'L…library!' I giggled.
We both erupted into drunken giggles, and then Mary swayed and clutched at the wall as she lost her balance (which isn't surprising given the height of the heels she was wearing)
Lily put her hands on her hips and frowned.
'You've been drinking, haven't you?' she snapped. 'As Head Girl, I'm going to have to...'
'Drinking?' I interrupted, confused. 'What's hic…alcohol?'
Lily opened her mouth to argue, but at that point Mary threw up on her, and she ran to the bathroom screaming.
I patted Mary encouragingly.
'Good idea,' I said stupidly. 'Shall we go?'
Mary convulsed again and I lunged for Lily's paper waste bin, getting Mary there just in time. I held her hair back as she did her business and, a minute later, she was chirpy and happy as she had been before.
'My tolerance has decreased,' she whispered sagely as we crept down the stairs.
We reached the bottom of the staircase and tried creeping across the common room. Unfortunately, I was met by a disdainful James Potter.
'You got drunk without me?' he said, clicking his tongue.
'How hic…do you know..hic that I'm drunk?' I hiccoughed.
He raised an eyebrow and I have to admit, I almost thought he was sexy (though that could have been the alcohol's influence over me)-
'I think you've put your eyeliner on your lips,' he said, clearing his throat.
I frowned, and turned around to see a scary looking girl with black lips in the mirror.
I screamed, and James laughed at me. I then noticed that Sirius Black was sitting next to the mirror, smirking in his damned sexy state.
'I'm sorry,' I said primly, stumbling over to him. 'Do you have a prob—'
But I never got to finish the sentence, because a wave of nausea overcame me and I had expelled the contents of my afternoon's binge in his lap.
Up until then, I'd never heard a boy our age screaming. In my hazy recollection of that evening, he sounded like a little girl.
'Let's bail,' Mary hissed, pulling me to the portrait as James, Remus and Peter ran to Sirius' aid.
As we tottered to Hogsmeade, I wailed that my chances of ever sleeping with the git were now vanquished. It was bloody cold, I should add, so we all but ran to our regular club (shameful that a schoolgirl should have a 'regular club', but I do). We were so cold when we finally got inside, that the only logical thing to do was obviously to drink some more.
I can't remember much after that. I know someone bought me a drink at the bar, and I pecked him on the lips as a 'thank you' before making my way to the dancefloor. I remember a good-looking man in his late twenties looking at me, and my smiling back at him (as is the unspoken rule of picking up). He made his way across the dancing people and before I knew it, we were grinding up against each other and, even sooner, snogging each other senseless. We did so for the rest of the night.
I can't even remember his name. All I know is that he was the most amazing snog I'd ever had (even better than Sirius in my fantasies) and that I probably would have shagged him there and then on the dancefloor, had Mary not pulled me away.
By 5am, we had both stumbled back to the common room. We either decided that climbing the stairs was too difficult a task, or we simply passed out. Either one is just as likely. All I know is that I woke up this morning with a very stiff back, behind a couch on the common room floor, with a furious Professor McGonagall glaring down at me.
Speaking of, Mary's just come out of her meeting with her, and now it's my turn.
Weight: 10 st 8lb (stress, puking and dancing prove to be effective methods of weight loss)
Height: 5ft 5 (not good enough)
Calories: 0 (excellent- too ashamed and sick to think of eating)
Hours spent wishing I owned a time-turner: all day
Near-expulsion meetings: 1
Well, I can safely say that I've had a terrible start to the year. Nonetheless, I've decided that I'm not a completely hopeless case. I can still become a gorgeous and poised sex goddess. There is a learning curve with these things. Obviously, one cannot expect to be turned from ladette to lady overnight…
Picking up from where I left off, McGonagall (whom I suspect is a lesbian- why does no one else believe me? She's never worn her hair down, never smiles at any good-looking male teachers) called me into her office and told me off for setting a terrible example to the younger years. I tried reasoning with her that there aren't any students from the younger years staying in the Gryffindor quarters at the moment, but this only made her angrier. She took 10 points off Gryffindor for cheek. Umm hello? I was merely pointing out a truth? Honestly, Minnie…
My drunken state wasn't touched on. Not directly, anyway. I made up some story of food poisoning and how I ate my Aunt Myrtle's pudding that is always ridiculously fully of brandy (truth is that I ate Aunt Myrtle's pudding on Christmas Day). Not sure she bought it, but who cares. I'm still at school and that's the main thing.
Not that I want to be here. To be quite honest, expulsion seems to be quite a pretty prospect at the moment. I've landed myself detentions for a month with the new Defence Against the Dark Ars teacher (Minnie's idea of an initiation rite, apparently), as soon as term starts again in a week's time. I tried getting out of Minnie why our old DADA teacher- Professor Kike- suddenly left, but that woman's as hard as steel to crack.
Maybe she's not a lesbian, but hasn't had sex in a decade? That's my alternate theory. Maybe we should all pitch in and get her a vibrator. I'm sure she'd be much pleasanter for it…
Detention, however, is the least of my worries. Today, I came back to the common room and Sirius visibly shuddered when he saw me.
The git FUCKING SHUDDERED!
Great. I'm now repulsive to all men. Makes me want to drink myself into oblivion.
Weight: 10 st 2 lb(bad, obviously, but MUCH better than 11. Seeing Sirius cower each time he sees me is very good incentive to never gorge- or indeed eat- ever again)
Height: 5 ft 5 (must try harder to grow. Stretching exercises are in order)
Calories: 800 (excellent- but all alcohol, so v. bad)
Drinks: 5 (bad)
Sirius shudders (10- horrible)
Substituted alcohol for food today. Once I tell you why, you'll see that I had very good reason for doing so.
Today I was quite the perfect angel. I woke up right away, went for a walk, had all my Christmas homework ready to hand in, my clothes were all folded neatly, and I had spent an hour grooming myself so that I looked like an elegantly poised school girl. I actually looked okay. Fat, obviously, but nice nonetheless.
I was very proud of myself- especially of the few double takes a few guys did when they saw me in passing down the corridor. I felt that, finally, I was on track to becoming the perfect woman/sex goddess I set out to be at the start of the year.
But then I walked into my DADA classroom and that all turned to shit.
Remember that gorgeous guy I snogged on New Year's Day? The one who was the amazing snog? The one whom I probably would have ended up shagging had Mary not dragged me back to the castle?
Well, he was standing at the front of the class.
Fuuuuuuuuck. How do I manage to get myself into these situations?
I took a seat at the back of the class and started hyperventilating. Thankfully, he cut the class short as a mere 'introductory' one, and I bailed as soon as I could. He didn't see me, I don't think.
I had Divination next, but I felt that fate was cruel and that I didn't want to know how much worse my life could possibly get. Mary, bless her, skived class with me and poured vodka down my throat before tucking me up in bed.
But I'm scared to go to sleep. For the past few nights, I've had raunchy dreams with Melrose… who's now my Professor Melrose.
Crap. Crap. Crap. Not only do I have a serious crush on my teacher, but I've already had a drunken snog with him.
How and when did I become so slutty? I must be the biggest tart in Hogwarts!
(Note: Tart of Hogwarts does not equate to Sex Goddess of Hogwarts. It's easy to confuse these widely different titles).
3am- I just had a nightmare and woke up to realise that my nightmare is actually a reality. I have a month's worth of detentions with Melrose, starting tomorrow.
Oh Merlin, whoever's up there really has it in for me. Going to search for more vodka to put myself back to sleep…
4am- Perhaps I should become a nun? That way, would never find myself in such horrifically compromising situations.
4.15am- Men always find nuns hot, don't they? I'm sure most guys have fantasised about shagging a nun at some point. Hmm
5am- That's it. I'm becoming a nun. Will make the announcement to Mary when she wakes up. Why is she still asleep? Might go shake her to see if she's actually asleep
5.05am- She was asleep… but I woke her. She was furious-
'I was having the most amazing dream, and you woke me up at the crucial moment!' she hissed venomously. 'I don't fucking care that you want to become a nun. Go to sleep.'
And with that, she pulled the covers over her head and turned her back to me.
Humph. Maybe go for a walk, as sleeping is obviously futile.
Weight: 10st 1lb (consistently improving- )
Height 5ft 5 (have I stopped growing? Horrid thought! Horrid!)
Calories: 1200 (mostly in chocolate to prevent any sexual urges I may have felt in detention with Melrose)
Sex fantasies with Melrose: 3
Books: 2 (both Mills & Boon, but were read to distract self from impending detention- good, but were read in Potions- bad)
Snogs: 0 (good or bad. After disaster of last snog, am starting to think lack of snogs may be a good thing)
Shags: 0 (pitiful)
Virginity: Still intact
Sirius shudders: 4 (improving)
I have a lot to say, but have decided that will recount the events of today chronologically so as not to miss anything important out.
It was a very eventful day, you see.
So, I went for a walk at around 5.30am. It was bloody freezing, so I was rugged up in many layers and probably resembled something like a penguin as I waddled across the snowy grounds of the school.
I came to the quidditch pitch and saw that the Gryffindor team was training. I have to hand it to Potter, he's very sexy when he's the captain of the team. It makes a nice change from the nervous mess he is when around the Authoritarian Bitch (Lily Evans).
I stood to the side for a while and watched as the team trained, feeling very jealous. When I first came to Hogwarts, I dreamed that I'd be the star seeker of the team- thin, gorgeous, and the hero of every match. It was always a little fantasy that I'd be shagging the strong and manly beater from my team (in Gryffindor's case, The Git, or Jeffrey Banks (who is younger than me, so not entirely possible)).
But then we had our first flying lessons and, in that hour, this little dream of mine was shattered so ruthlessly that I spent the rest of the day crying in the bathroom (with Moaning Myrtle laughing cruelly at me, I might add). I won't get into the whole story, but let's just say that my broom was so certain that I wasn't meant to ride it, that it bucked me off it, catapulting me into Peter Pettigrew and Lily Evans.
Maybe that's why Evans dislikes me so much?
Still, I couldn't help feeling wistful as I watched the team training. They seemed so in control of their brooms; so lithe as they deftly dodged bludgers and caught the quaffles with ease.
When James called for them to come down to the ground, Sirius glanced over at me. I tried smiling, but he shuddered and quickly looked away. Crestfallen, I decided that I should just keep walking as watching others exercise certainly doesn't count as self-exercise.
I didn't go to breakfast, because I didn't want to see Professor Melrose (I don't even know his first name!) before I had to. Instead, I went to the kitchens and picked up a few pieces of toast and a cappuccino (there was no way I was going to survive the day without proper caffeine).
First, I had a spare period, so I tried getting some of my Potions pre-reading from a few week's ago done. I'm so behind in my readings, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to pass my Potions NEWTs…
Anyway, I did a little bit which is given the fact that I was emotionally traumatised.
On the way to Potions, I passed Melrose in the hallway and I felt my heart fluttering nervously. He was even more gorgeous up close, than I ever remembered him. Like, really gorgeous. I wouldn't be surprised if he did male modelling part-time.
Suddenly, I had visions of us shagging on his desk during detention.
'Thinking of something good are we?'
I turned around and Sirius was walking behind me. I shot him a confused look, and he looked pointedly down to my nipples that were very hard and visible through my shirt. Somehow, in my infinite stupidity, I had forgotten to wear a bra.
How I manage to do these things, I'll never know.
I blushed furiously and Sirius smirked at me. Suddenly, I felt very annoyed that he had even been looking at my tits. Not only is he a git, but he's also a dirty pervert.
'Do you mind?' I said primly, crossing my arms over my traitorous tits.
'No,' he said nonchalantly, still unashamedly staring at my tits.
Annoyed, I lifted his chin up so that he was forced to look at my face.
'My face is here,' I hissed, pointing at my face before turning on my heel.
'Just appreciating your very fine assets,' he called, running to catch up with me.
Humiliated, I rummaged through my bag and pulled on a jumper. I clenched my fists as I heard him sighing in disappointment.
'You know,' I said hotly, as we walked into the classroom, 'I was going to apologise for puking on you, the other day' (he shuddered at this point) 'but I'm not going to. You're a vile, perverted git and you deserved it.'
With a huff, I walked over to Mary who had saved me a seat and set about arranging my notes.
Unfortunately, Slughorn had decided to lecture us on possibly the most boring potion of all time- the Boredness Potion. I have absolutely no idea how anyone came up with the stupid idea of creating a potion to induce boredness (and why it's on the NEWTs syllabus). My guess is that the inventor was extremely bored with his life.
Given the dullness of the class, I think it's excusable that I got through two Mills & Boon novels. They were very good, too…. But bad, because I kept imagining that the gorgeous male was Melrose, and I was the sex goddess heroine.
After potions, we had lunch. Sirius Black certainly had his git radar on full, today-
'Jones, were you reading more smutty novels during potions?' he said (he was sitting opposite me, you see).
I glanced at him, completely confused as to why he was suddenly taking such an interest in me. Ever since school started, we had barely exchanged more than a few sentences. We didn't hate each other or anything… he simply never made an effort to speak to me.
I shrugged, toying with my Shepherd's pie.
'They were all I had in my bag. You can't honestly say that you were interested in Slughorn's lecture on boredness.'
He raised an eyebrow and, for a fleeting moment, I forgot that he was a vile, perverted fuckwit. He was just so damn gorgeous that I had to fight the urge to lean across the table and snog him senseless.
'No. I certainly agree that Anita and Juan's steamy sex life would have been infinitely more interesting than a lecture on boredness potions,' he murmured.
At that moment, I realised that he had the most amazing and unusual gray eyes.
As if he needed even more reason to be a complete sex god.
'It wasn't Anita and Juan,' I laughed (I was surprised he remembered their names), 'today was Kelly and Ken.'
'Ken?' he said, laughing incredulously.
I blushed. I was about to respond, but Professor Melrose walked into the Great Hall at that moment and I quickly forgot about my conversation with Sirius.
'Something wrong, Jones?'
I snapped out of my fantasy where Melrose was ripping my shirt off me, and looked to Sirius.
'What?' I said, confused.
Sirius shot me a suspicious look and then turned and saw Melrose. His lips became thin.
'Oh not you too,' he said, rolling his eyes. 'He's a teacher.'
I stiffened as the fact really sunk in—I had snogged my teacher. Not in a fantasy, but in reality.
I pushed my plate away from me and got up hurriedly. Sirius looked confused by my behaviour, but I wasn't in the mood to deal with him.
'I've got to go,' I said, sweeping out of the Great Hall as quickly as I could.
Somehow, I found myself back in the kitchens, eating a huge chocolate soufflé. In the past, I'd imagine shagging Sirius when eating chocolate. Today, however, it was Melrose.
But, unlike my fantasies with Sirius, I couldn't enjoy these ones. I felt so dirty and slutty.
'Oh Merlin,' I said, banging my head against the table. 'Why me? Why?'
And then the bell rang through the school heralding the end of lunch, and I realised that it was time for detention.
Okay, my hand's stiff from writing so much. Going to take a break. Will write the rest later.
1am- Too tired to write the rest. Will finish tomorrow morning.
Weight: 10st 1lb (at least not fatter)
Height 5ft 5 (shameful)
Calories: 1600 (bad)
Sex fantasies with Melrose: 2 (improving)
Sex fantasies with Sirius: 10 (repulsive. Have turned into a common tart)
Virginity: Still there. Wish it would just GO AWAY.
Sirius shudders: 0 (excellent)
Exercise: 1 hour (good)
Study: 3 hours (angelic)
Boyfriends: 0 (shameful and depressing)
6am- Okay, so continuing from where I left off yesterday-
I was so nervous about my detention with Melrose that I was actually shaking when I knocked on his office door.
'Come in,' he called.
My knees knocked together. His voice was just soo deep and shagelicious.
Slowly, I opened the door and stood by the door. He was bend over a box of folders, giving me a brilliant view of his perfectly-sculpted rear.
I had to close my eyes tightly to control myself.
'Are you Miss Jones?'
I quirked open an eye to see that he was looking at me, confused. I bit my lip, and stiffened as he dropped his folder as he realised who I was.
'Y….you?' he stammered, turning beet-red.
I clenched my fists behind my back.
'Look,' I breathed nervously, 'It was New Years, and I'm of age. Technically, I'm allowed to go clubbing. I had no idea you were going to be my teacher.'
'You're… you're a student!' he squeaked, his eyes wide.
I chewed my lip, feeling ashamed.
He clutched at his chest and sunk into his chair.
'Oh Merlin…' he gasped. 'This cannot be happening…'
He held up a hand.
'Just… maybe you should leave,' he whispered. 'I… We shouldn't be alone together.'
In a way, I was quite disappointed…. But, at the same time, relieved that I didn't have to stay in that awkward situation any longer. I all but sprinted out of the room.
I spent the rest of the evening dissecting the events of the detention with Mary. She thinks that Melrose ordered me out of the room as quickly as he did because he got a huge erection as soon as he saw me, and needed to wank it off.
I don't mind that explanation, to be quite honest.
9pm- Got up early again today to go for a walk. As usual, it ended up in my spying on the quidditch team. Still, exercise is exercise so it shouldn't matter what incentive I use to get my sorry arse out of bed and walk…
James Potter in his element, again, was just downright amazing to watch. He really could do much better than the Authoritarian Bitch. Maybe I should get with James Potter? Might be hard, though, because he doesn't get drunk anymore as he's keeping sober for the AB. Also, he's Head Boy so it's understandable that he should want to keep his slate clean.
I didn't turn up to detention with Melrose but instead studied for three hours straight. I was so proud of myself, that I decided to visit the kitchens for some macarons and tea.
On my way there, however, I was cornet by The Git (maybe should call him Le Git? Or not… that just makes him sound even sexier).
'Going somewhere?' he said, shooting me a quizzical look.
Of course, I wasn't going to admit that I was on my way to the kitchens.
'Uh… yes,' I said, looking away.
'You seem very suspicious,' he frowned. 'You're not sneaking out again, are you?'
I looked up at Sirius and shrugged.
'And if I was, what business is that of yours?'
He peered at me.
'I never took you for one to sneak out much. I obviously underestimated you,' he said quietly.
'But I used to get drunk with James all the time last year,' I said.
He rolled his eyes.
'Playing drinking games during chess hardly counts as being rebellious,' he said.
I raised my eyebrows as I felt my stomach squirm pleasurably at this- he thought I was rebellious?
But then I frowned as I realised that Grace Kelly most certainly was not rebellious. A poised sex goddess is not known for being rebellious.
'Well they're one offs,' I said primly. 'I'm not really rebellious at all.'
His smiled a crooked smile and I almost whimpered at how gorgeous he was.
'Jones,' he said shaking his head. 'You don't fool me. I've noticed how you've been trying to act all prim and preppy these past few days. It doesn't suit you. You're much more adorable when you're your usual clumsy self.'
I scowled. At that point, I was more focused on his calling me 'clumsy'.
'Some of us are balance-challenged,' I snapped. 'Now, if you don't mind, I have to go.'
I ran back to the common room to rant about The Git to Mary. She, however, brought to my attention his use of the word 'adorable'.
We were both a little stumped for a while.
'Does Black fancy you?' Mary wondered. 'Seems unlikely, though. I mean, he was going out with Helen Asteria up until last year.'
I felt a little stung at this comment. Even though I knew that Helen Asteria was certainly an uncontested sex goddess, it hurt that Mary had so little faith in me.
'You're right,' I mumbled. 'He's probably just bored- or finds my 'clumsiness' funny.'
On that note, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow, I start Mission Boyfriend.
Weight: 10st (1st loss since start of year- . 10st is still bad)
Height 5ft 5 (appalling)
Calories: 2000 (repulsive)
Sex fantasies with Melrose: 0 (excellent)
Sex fantasies with Sirius: 100 (should give up school and go work in a brothel at this rate)
Virginity: Intact (rendering job as hooker slightly problematic)
Sirius shudders: 0 (excellent. Believe he has moved on)
Exercise: 0 hours (bad)
Study: 1 hours (not enough)
Boyfriends: 0 (Mission Boyfriend going at snail pace)
Time spent trying to grow: 3 hours (and yet no results! Terrible)
Today I am focusing on two things:
1) Mission Boyfriend
After sleeping, I realised that Mary wasn't being cruel about Sirius, but just realistic. I must stop fantasising about gorgeous yet unattainable, men such as Sirius and Melrose. Instead, I must spend my thoughts and smiles on men who will possibly love me back (i.e. less gorgeous, but more sensible and down to earth
Have decided to scan the Great Hall for possible candidates during lunch. Mary has promised to help.
Everyone Mary kept pointing out was either unattractive, or nerdy. According to her, everyone I pointed out was unrealistic (or taken).
At this point, list of boyfriend candidates remains at a grand total of 0 (pathetic).
I gave up on finding candidates. Was bloody exhausting. So, instead I decided to focus on 2) Growing.
I read in Witch Weekly that if you lie on grass, stretched out, and feel as though you're lengthening, you can add a foot to your height. I thought I'd try it out.
Armed with the Witch Weekly article, I went outside and lay under the yew tree by the lake. The ground was bloody freezing, so I performed a warming charm on the grass and lay back down again, stretching out as much as I could.
Unfortunately, I found it very hard to concentrate on growing, as my sex fantasies of Sirius shagging me senseless were much more interesting.
'Jones, what are you doing?'
I opened my eyes to see Sirius staring at me, as though I was the biggest idiot in the world (it's quite sad how often he does this).
I sat up quickly, muttering oaths under my breath.
'What are you doing here?' I snapped, brushing the grass off me. 'Don't you have class?'
'Divination's a crap subject. Given that you skipped it last week and are doing so again, I'm guessing that you too feel this way about the subject.'
I stared at him. He noticed that I skipped it, last week?
He cleared his throat uncomfortably and shrugged.
'So what were you doing? You didn't look comfortable.'
I blushed and tried to hide the article from view. Unfortunately, he picked up on my movement and snatched the article from me before I could stop him.
He let out a bark of a laugh.
'You're trying to grow?' he snorted. 'Jones, surely you don't believe this crap?'
I tried to snatch the article back off him, but he kept moving it away. We ended up pseudo-wrestling each other until he sprung up off the ground and ran off, holding the article triumphantly.
Furious, I got up and ran after him, but soon ran out off breath (must start running instead of walking, as fitness levels are obviously substandard and may make sex difficult).
I then decided that I'd just summon the damn article from him. I did, and he looked rather disappointed.
'You're no fun, Jones,' he said, pouting.
I rolled my eyes.
'Chasing after you all afternoon isn't my idea of fun,' I said primly.
He put a hand to his heart.
'You kill me, Jones,' he said dramatically. 'Most girls love chasing after me.'
I laughed, partly because it was true.
Suddenly, we heard a throat being cleared from behind us, and we turned to see Professor Melrose.
'Don't you have class to go….ah'.
He trailed off when he saw me and, again, blushed furiously. Sirius looked from Melrose to me incredulously.
'You probably have a spare period,' Melrose nodded, looking anywhere but at us. 'Excuse me.'
He sprinted off, and I closed my eyes as I remembered yet again just how amazing a snog he had been.
I turned to see Sirius looking at me. He looked rather annoyed.
'What?' I said innocently.
'What's going on between you two? Whenever Melrose looks at you, he turns into a babbling mess,' he said sternly.
I shrugged, smiling.
'Maybe he's just cottoned onto the fact that I'm an irresistible sex goddess,' I said nonchalantly. 'See you round.'
3am- I just woke up and realised that I called myself a sex goddess in front of THE sex god of Hogwarts. What the hell was I thinking?
I obviously wasn't. Fuck fuckity fuck.
Let me tell you, watching your mother flirting with a boy who frequents your sexual fantasies on a daily basis is NOT something that any girl should ever experience.
Miss A. Jones