Chapter Three: Live Fungi Free and Die Another Day

This is how Yami had wanted the date to go from the beginning of the night. With Yami laughing as Yuugi told humorous stories about himself and his brother. Not like before, with stilted conversation and nerves. Just some easy back and forth over a story about gel and some mayonnaise and how they came to be 'magically switched' in time for the brother of a certain someone to use said gel.

After the first ten minutes, the date had started to mellow. They'd stumbled over some things, mostly due to Yami's nervousness, but then Yuugi had mentioned a new book release which had broken the ice. It had critics acclaiming it across the country, and considering Yami owned a bookshop and Yuugi frequently shopped there, it was good common ground to start off with. The relationship between the brothers in the book had reminded Yuugi of his own relationship with his own sibling, which made Yami stare at him in amazement, because he'd read that book and the brothers, in the midst of fighting off a conspiracy against their family, were nothing if not complete menaces towards each other.

Yami bit his lip to keep the smile off his face, he was afraid it might stay that way and he'd spend the rest of his life smiling inanely for no reason.

"And he didn't notice?" Yami asked.

Yuugi smirked, and replied, "Not until it was already in his hair."

Yami smiled slightly back, "And what did he do to get you back?"

Yuugi pointed at his hair, "He wasn't the only one obsessed with hair back then. He put bleaching cream in mine. I actually liked what it did so I've kept it ever since, bet he wasn't expecting that. But hey, what are big brothers for if not to thwart little brothers' schemes?"

"Hah, I bet he still glares at your hair every time you see each other."

Yuugi grinned mischievously, "You don't know how close to the truth you are."

Their conversation was interrupted by the waiter with their food; he'd appeared out of no where, like magic, and brought over the glorious smelling food of God. Yami's empty stomach growled softly when his dish was set in front of him.

"It looks really good."

"Just wait until you try it."

Yami picked up his cutlery and dug in, trying not to moan out loud when the cooked-to-perfection chicken hit his tongue. It was soft and gorgeous; the roast vegetables were the right amount of crispness and melt in your mouth beauty. Yami stared at his plate, chewing on the remainder of the food in his mouth before swallowing; he wanted to shag his food.

He looked up to tell Yuugi how right he was about the food to catch Yuugi staring at him intently. Yami's face froze when Yuugi licked a little bit of red sauce from his lips and enquired, "It's good?"

Yami swallowed and with his mouth suddenly very dry, answered, "Um, very."

"Do you want to try the fish?" He asked, already cutting a bite-sized piece, adding more sauce to it with his knife, and presenting it to him carefully over the table, hand under the fork to stop any drops falling onto the nice tablecloth.

Yami licked his lips and leaned forward, his eyes on Yuugi's as he wrapped his lips around the utensil, his eyes fluttered closed when the sauce hit his taste buds. He opened them and moved away from Yuugi's hand, licking any stray drops of sauce from his lips.

Yuugi's mouth had, bottom lip wet from where he'd licked it earlier and was staring at Yami. Yuugi cleared his throat and sped into action again, looking away from Yami and continuing his meal.

He reached for his glass of wine, feeling warm and like his skin was electrified because of the way Yuugi had been looking at him. He gulped down a mouthful, slightly mournful of the taste washing away the beautifully tasting sauce. He cleared his throat also, "So, Yuugi, you know what I do for living." Yami picked up the knife, intending to get back to his food after his question, "But we haven't spoken about what you do."

Yuugi's chewing slowed, as if thinking about something; he swallowed which distracted Yami, as he was wont to do, because Yuugi's neck was more edible than all the food in the restaurant combined. He cut into his chicken breast and brought a forkful into his mouth as to not seem so distracted by the wonderful neck.

Yuugi picked up his glass of water, drinking deeply for a few seconds and licking his lips again. Yami thought he really needed to stop doing that because he would not be held accountable for his actions around this man.

"Ah yes," Yuugi started and stopped.

He seemed to fumble with his words before smiling widely at him, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. Yami stilled, unsure. Yuugi'd been completely at ease, completely genuine form the beginning. It turned Yami's stomach a bit to realise that he'd been the one to make Yuugi awkward. Yami scratched the side of his face absentmindedly. Preparing to change the topic of conversation from work. It was the first date; it wasn't as if they were ready to share everything with each other. Yami wasn't bothered. His Inners seemed to stare at him as if he had lost his mind, not bothered, their figurative arses.

"It's just that it's a bit, um, but yeah, I work from home."

"Oh, yes, you said that before." Yami paused, "You're not a porn star or something, right?"

Yuugi laughed, genuinely this time, making his eyes crinkle around the edges and making that one dimple appear again to drive Yami insane and making his lungs shiver from breathlessness.

Yuugi smiled softly, answering, "No, not that. I'm –" Yuugi's eyes narrowed in concern, "Are you all right?"

"What? Yeah, I'm fine," Yami replied confusedly.

"It's just…" Yuugi trailed off and pointed at Yami's head.

Yami made a face at him, because he clearly didn't have the ability to look at his face with no mirror. However, when he was reaching to touch his cheek, he caught sight of his wrist, where the cuff of his shirt had ridden up, exposing a violent red rash.

Yami squeaked, a sound that had escaped him without his desire, and checked his other arm to see that it had spread to there too. "Oh, God, is it on my face too?"

Yuugi nodded quickly, eyes unable to move from his face. Yami's breathing became shallower, and Yuugi snapped into action, moving to the other side of the table and crouching next to Yami, calling over a waiter for whatever reason. Maybe he wanted more water or something, because what the hell was the waiter going to do? He'd thought his breathlessness was because of Yuugi's close proximity and all that other romantic tripe he'd always read about. No, apparently it was because he was ready to die, in a restaurant, because of chicken!

Yuugi had his phone out already when the waiter appeared next to the table, probably having rushed because of the waves of panic that were coming off the table.

"He's having an allergy attack, can – "

Yami tuned out the noise; it had become a vague buzzing in his ears anyway. It was becoming more difficult to breathe by the second and he really hoped Yuugi was handling it because Yami could barely breathe let alone speak to call an ambulance right now. He felt a hand brush the back of his neck, and really hoped that it was his date and not the waiter. He'd really liked the food here before it tried to kill him and he didn't want to have to tell people that the waiter was a molester of innocent people that were having allergy attacks on top of the food of doom.

Yami clutched at the handkerchief on the table, his knuckles turning white as he squeezed the material in his clenching hand. He turned his face towards Yuugi's, whose eyes were wide with trepidation as they scanned his face.

God, Yami could only imagine what he looked like. He probably had snot all over the place and a face double the normal size or something.

Yami bent his head over the table in panic, not paying much attention as his glasses slipped off his nose and onto his plate; he shut his eyes, his vision was blurred anyway, and struggled to breathe.

The buzzing noise in his ears became much louder just as he was jostled from his seating position. It didn't seem very fair that he couldn't die in peace; loud noises, half-blind and movement? It was hell. Why couldn't Yuugi just let him die in his chicken?

The lights suddenly became brighter, the ceiling lamps looking hazy through his blurred vision. He could barely hear, think or see so he was mostly just fucking glad when everything just stops.


Before Yami opened his eyes, he was aware of one thing. He felt like a complete and utter pile of shit. Feeling just like a piece of shit was too good a term for what he was feeling. His throat felt like he had eaten fire with a side of barbed wire, his eyes felt heavy and his body itched. Fuck, he hoped he didn't have an STD.

"Jesus Christ, Jou, what the fuck did I drink last night?" mumbled Yami into his pillow.

Yami opened his eyes before shutting them again in pain. His eyesight was blurred and fuzzy around the edges and there was entirely too much light everywhere.

Yami lifted an arm to scratch the side of his face, it took entirely too much effort and was interrupted anyway by a soft voice, so Yami's hind-brain was all but glad to stop the motion midway as his normal brain panicked about who he had in his room.

"You didn't drink all that much, actually."

He didn't recognise the voice from the top of his recently awoken head, and frankly it wouldn't be the first time he'd woken up next to someone after a night of drinking but it would be the first time that he couldn't remember even one bit of information about the person.

Yami opened his eyes once more and tried to look for his glasses by his bedside table. He almost fell off the bed in his haste and, finally, realised that he was not in a place that looked anything like his bedroom or any normal bedroom at all.

The sterile smell of the area really should have clicked before.

"Jesus. Been a while since I woke up in the hospital."

Yami almost jumped when he felt something touch his hand, he realised that the soft-spoken person from before was kind enough to not leave him blind for longer and was handing him his glasses.

Would have been nicer if they had actually put them on him but still, he was willing to move his arms for sight at the moment.

He shuffled a little on the bed and slid his glasses on; his eyes struggled to get accustomed to the acute light as he looked at the person at his bedside.

"Yuugi," he said softly, he felt a rush of memories and the flush of embarrassment as he remembered the events that landed him in the hospital room. Only Yami fucking Atemu could wind up in the hospital room on a first date.

Fucking wonderful. Jou was never going to let him live it down. They would be eighty and he'd still bring it up. Not to mention he'd ruined his first date with an awesome guy. Chances are Yami's never going to get fucked by him. Screw every medical drama ever, no one ever fucks the guys that almost died on you, it's all lies.

Bet Murphy and Sod are fucking having chuckle fests over this one.

Yami coughed, sitting up abruptly and forgetting about any pain in his body. Oh thank God, he still had his pants on, that meant he hadn't been out for too long, he was not ready to be seen in a hospital gown by Yuugi. That shit was Third Drunk-Fuck material not First Ruined-Date material.

The curtains were drawn around the bed, giving Yami some privacy as his panicking lead him down the path from 'Date panicking' to 'Crap, did they call Jounouchi?' to 'Fucking hope they didn't call my parents, I'm too old for that shit'.

"So, how many times has a thirty-one year old man like yourself actually been in hospital?"

Yami shut his eyes; his mild embarrassment had skyrocketed into the area of abject humiliation now. When he was brave enough to open his eyes he realised that Yuugi was grinning at him in amusement, eyes dancing as if he couldn't believe just how adorable Yami was being.

Yami wasn't adorable, he was too old to be adorable, but he'd fucking take 'adorable' over 'old' right now. His ego needed soothing and that was, apparently, as close to soothing as it was going to get.

Yami straightened and replied, "About twenty times."

Yuugi's eyebrow lifted and Yami could tell he was about to ask for an elaboration but Yami continued before he could, "How long was I out during this hospital visit?"

Yuugi leaned back into his chair, his white shirt stretched across his slender chest and Yami was glad that it was still clean and that he hadn't thrown up on it or anything. He really didn't need that happening on a date more than three times in one life time.

"About an hour, they attached you to a drip and gave you some steroids in the ambulance and the reaction had stopped by the time you got to the hospital. I should probably get the doctor actually, I think she wanted to ask you some things."

As Yuugi disappeared through the curtain before Yami could so much as utter a syllable, Yami patted his trousers down. He felt a bulge and fished out his phone, debating the idea of calling Jounouchi before thinking twice about failing hospital equipment and quickly sent a text of "in A&E, if I die, know that you suck" to him before turning the mobile off.

He sat up in bed, swinging his legs over the side, his stiff muscles groaning at the movement and debated whether or not he should go for a smoke. He decided that running off as his date went to get his doctor wasn't good first date etiquette, which begged the question: what kind of etiquette was required when you end up in the hospital on the first date?

He forgot about the fag as he replayed that night's disaster in his head. And it had all been going so well too! They'd been having good conversation, good food, some 'fuck me' eyes over the table. Now, it's ended up in hospital. This was not where he'd wanted the night to end. He'd hoped it would have been at his apartment. With chocolate syrup being used as lube in filthy, athletic sex.

Somehow he doubted Yuugi would want to fuck a man covered in… Yami gave his hands a closer look, Jesus were those hives? What the hell did he eat?

A woman dressed in scrubs passed through the curtains in a fine moment of timing. Yuugi followed swiftly after. Yami's inners squabbled over the fact that Yuugi was in here. Inner Cynic argued over how he had no privacy and Yuugi already knew about Yami's age and if he stayed any longer chances were Yuugi would find out about Tijuana, the yoghurt and the hookers, because people who stayed around Yami long enough always found out about Tijuana, the yoghurt and hookers. Inner Romantic argued that it was the stuff of epic romances that Yuugi wished to stay and know if Yami was all right, and that everyone, everywhere, already knew about Tijuana, the yoghurt and hookers anyway because Jounouchi had taken pictures, Facebooked it and tagged everyone to said pictures. Yami squished both of them and paid attention to the nice doctor, ignoring his brain.

"Mr Atemu, good evening, how are you feeling?"

Yami smiled snidely, "Oh, just peachy."

The doctor raised an eyebrow at his tone and tapped her pen against the clipboard in her hands.

"Hn, I would like to know if you have any allergies I should know about."

"Mushrooms, but I didn't have any mushrooms tonight. It was a mushroom free night."

The doctor scribbled something down on a form, she spoke without taking her eyes off the paper, "We might have to take some blood out to run some tests then, are you sure there weren't any mushrooms, some different type of fungi? They could cause allergic reactions also."

Yuugi made a strange noise of surprise, he guiltily looked at Yami before speaking to the doctor, "Could truffles have caused that sort of reaction?"

Yami's eyebrows shot up in surprise and remembered eating some of Yuugi's sauce. His gorgeous date had almost killed him with gorgeous sauce. Fantastic.

The doctor looked at them both like they were two of the most stupid people in the entire world and replied with "Yes, it's a pretty closely related fungi, I'd stay clear from all edible fungi from now on, Mr Atemu."

Yami, already embarrassed, almost died when she continued, "And you should get yourself some E45 for your rash."

Yami refused to look anywhere as he stood up, he nodded at the doctor in thanks and hoped Yuugi was following him as he walked out of the A&E all the while wishing the earth would open up and swallow him whole. Actually, that wasn't good enough. Someone just needed to shoot him and put him out of his misery.

That was the way to go nowadays anyway.


Yami didn't even have a chance to throw his keys on the table next to his front door before a voice rang through his apartment.

"What the fuck, man?"

Yami jumped a foot in the air and automatically threw his keys in the direction of the voice, already denying in his mind that he squealed like a complete ninny because of Jounouchi and one of his surprise 'sits in the dark and scares Yami' visits.

Yami glared at Jounouchi as he slipped out of his shoes and went straight into the kitchen, his body on autopilot as he slipped a couple of wine glasses from the cupboard and a bottle from the rack.

"You know, you screaming like a complete girl never gets old. You'd think you'd have changed the locks by now."

"I shouldn't have to fucking change the locks, you freak. You should just stop doing it before you kill me. Or I kill you. Someday shit's going to go down and then we're both screwed."

Jounouchi waved him off and stole a glass of wine, "So what happened to your face?"

Yami glared at Jounouchi, "Oh nothing, the usual. Had some nice conversation, ate a nice dinner and then I almost suffocated all over him because I'm apparently allergic to truffles too. You know, the usual."

Jounouchi pursed his lips, narrowed his eyes and squeaked.

Yami sighed, "Just get it over with, Jou."

Jounouchi burst out into laughter.

The blond breathed in deeply and between chuckles managed to squeeze out, "Only you could almost die on the first date you've had in years. Forget not liking relationships, this is the true reason why you never make it past date three. You suck at them."

"I fucking love you, Jou. Seriously, I needed this after tonight." Yami gulped down the rest of the wine in his glass, barely tasting any of the rich liquid. Yami poured himself another glass and moved towards the sofa in the living room, taking the bottle with him.

"Oh come on! It can't be that bad, what happened before you almost died?"

"We barely had one conversation before I couldn't breathe. And you know what the worst thing about this is?"

Jounouchi gave him an expectant look while taking a sip of wine.

Yami continued, "I didn't even get to sleep with him and now he's probably never going to come back to my shop. I lost a fuck and a customer in one night."

"And gained some nice little rashes too. Hey, speaking of rashes, do you remember Tijuana?"

Yami groaned and banged his head against the back of the sofa. Repeatedly. He let out an unintelligible sound that sounded a lot like a mixture between a growl and a baby's gurgle.

"You're an absolute ninja of the spoken word, Yami. I'm very impressed," deadpanned Jounouchi. "Now stop that, what good is giving yourself more brain damage than you already have going to do?"

"You're just lovely."

"Plying me with compliments will get you nowhere, Yami, you know our love can never be," the blond replied dramatically before patting Yami's shoulder comfortingly. "You need to stop being so pessimistic. If he calls he calls, if he doesn't he doesn't. Que sera, sera and some other hippy shit like that. I mean, think about it, the sea is full of hot guys that want to shag you…" Yami gave him a pointed look, "Okay, so your sea is a little more limited and rather the size of an Argos children's pool but what do you expect? Your longest relationship has been with a bag of coffee beans!"

Yami started thumping his head again.

"Are we done talking about this? After I got your text I figured that the night had gone to shit and we needed some action therapy. Did you get my texts by the way?"

Yami shook his head, remembering that he'd turned his mobile off. He slipped it out of his pocket and turned it back on. He scrolled through the multitude of Jounouchi's increasingly crazy texts about which films to watch; Die Hard ("All four parts, don't you dare argue with me, Yami") or James Bond ("He's a smooth motherfucker, I don't care how many STDs he has"). All that the last text from Jounouchi said was "JOHN MCCLANE!" which gave Yami the inkling that Die Hard had won the battle for Action Movie Night.

Yami's eyebrows rose in complete surprise when he found a couple of texts from Yuugi on his phone. Considering he hadn't given Yuugi his number he was more than a little bit confused.

I apologise in advance, but I took the liberty of adding my number to your phone while you were unconscious. I was really bored as the only magazine they had was an outdated Sugar from July 2001. Have you ever heard of a group called LFO?

Yami was a bit creeped out before he realised that Yuugi had been in his trouser pocket. He felt strangely aroused and amused by this. He scrolled to the other message he'd sent.

I had a great time tonight, maybe next time though I could be the one that ends up in hospital.

"Right, I got the fourth one too. It's Willis at his best, I don't care what you say!"

Yami just hummed and refused to argue over the last instalment of the Die Hard series because all that was going through his mind at that moment was Yuugi's text and the words 'next time' over and over.


AN: Um... hi? It's been a while. And I won't make a excuses, I suck pretty hard and I'm sorry for not updating sooner. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It was pretty fun to write too, I think I may have a gone a little crazy but yeah. Also, if people didn't get the title, it's like a mash-up of 'Die Another Day', a James Bond film and 'Live Free or Die Hard', the fourth Die Hard film, with a little of my own genius in there, lol. Again, sorry for the wait, hope you enjoyed it!