Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to Eric Kripke & co
Summary: Dean has finally found his true love… Gabriel is a perv… Sam desperately wishes he was somewhere else.
Sam was sitting at the dining table in the motel room, researching the monster of the week on his laptop, when Dean came rushing in looking all flustered with rosy cheeks, shining eyes and a really goofy grin.
"Sam, she said it back! She finally said it back!" he gushed, practically bouncing on his feet.
"Who said what?" Sam looked up from his laptop and peered at Dean. He'd never seen him like this, acting like a crushing fourteen year old schoolgirl. What the hell?
"The love of my life! She said she loves me, too! And she wants to get married!" Dean had a similar look to when he thought he'd met Dr. Sexy, and was close to squeeing.
"Uh, who's the love of your life?" As far as Sam could remember, Dean had never mentioned a "love of his life", ever.
Dean bounced forward, grabbed Sam's arm and pulled him up from his chair. "You already know her. She's right outside, come and congratulate us!"
An impatient Dean pulled a hesitant and very skeptical Sam outside. Curiouser and curiouser, Sam thought.
Dean led Sam towards the Impala, which where parked just to the side of their room, and stopped, beaming. The girl's in the car? Sam thought as he bent down and looked through the Impala's windows. The car was empty.
"So, where is your, uh, girlfriend, Dean?"
"Right here!" Dean stepped close to the car and put his arms and cheek against its roof. "Hey, babe, I'm back. I've told Sam about us," he said in a soft voice.
Sam turned his head sharply, frowning. He could have sworn he'd heard someone snicker behind him, but there was no-one there. He looked back at Dean, who was leaning against the Impala caressing its roof.
"Oh, very funny, Dean. As pranks go this is really lame, not to mention weird."
"Sam! I'm not joking! I'm serious here, man! We really love each other! We're gonna get married and I'm gonna have her babies and we're gonna do a lot of sexin'!" Dean ground his hips against the car. "Oh, yeah, you're so hot, babe."
"Dean!" Sam yelped, covering his eyes. "Could you please not hump the car!"
"Oh, right, forgot how totally tight-assed you are." Dean kissed the car's roof, then turned to Sam. "You're happy for us, right?" he asked anxiously.
Sam searched Dean's face for any sign of this being a joke, but couldn't find any. What the hell is going on here? he thought. Did Dean piss off a witch while he went to get food?
"So," Sam said slowly, "Does she have a name?"
"Yeah, sure! It's Christine!"
"Dude! I'm so exorcising you, and the car!" Sam made a grab for Dean, who jumped back and scooted around to the other side of the car. "Dean! Come on! You're in love with a fucking car! Don't tell me that's normal!"
"What? Don't be stupid, Sam! Just because I'm in love doesn't mean I'm possessed! You're just jealous!"
Sam smacked a hand over his face and groaned.
"Now look what you've done! You've upset her! Don't be sad, babe, you know he can be a bitch. I think someone needs some cheer-up-sex!" Dean got in the car, and locked the doors.
Sam could see him talking, and stroking the dashboard. He knocked on the window, hoping that Dean would roll it down so he could try to talk to him again, but he just gave Sam the finger and kissed the steering wheel passionately.
Sam covered his eyes and turned away with another groan. This was way too twisted. Was that a moan coming from inside there? Oh, god… He stuck his fingers in his ears. He'd better hurry and call Castiel; maybe he'd know what the hell was going on with Dean.
Sam turned towards the motel room, and saw someone familiar sitting on a chair beside the door, feet up on a crate, box of candy in his hand. Neither chair nor crate had been there when Dean had dragged him outside.
"GABRIEL!I should have known you were behind something as fucked up as this!"
"One of my better ideas, I think," Gabriel said with a very self-satisfied smirk.
"Undo it, now!" Sam said angrily, hands clenching into fists.
Gabriel tossed a jelly bean into the air and caught it with his mouth. "Naaah, not just yet. I wanna watch the show! I mean, how often do you get to see literal car sex!" He turned his attention back towards the Impala. "Oh, yeah! Go, Dean!"
Sam yelped and fled inside, away from the insanity. He stuck the earplugs of his MP3 player in his ears, turned on the music and covered his head with a pillow for good measure.
Gabriel, the bastard, continued with gleeful and enthusiastic comments sent directly into Sam's mind.
*I hate you so, so much!* Sam thought back as hard as he could.
*Now that is what I'd call an imaginative use of a gear stick!* Gabriel enthused.
Sam whimpered, while Gabriel's raucous laughter echoed in his head.