I decided to write a chapter for one of my BEST FRIENDS! WOOOHOOOOOO! Mikey sure likes his caplocks and exclamation points.
We had a pretty crazy couple of days and I asked Mikey to write it all down and paste it in here for me because he was around more than I was, plus I had to study for a final and Don was too busy with end of the world stuff to help me out. Of course the end of the world takes precedence over me. Excuses! But anyway. I just got his pages and they go like this:
Project Torment Leo Day 1:
I told Don this morning that I'm the greatest prankster and proudly the most annoying guy on the planet! He was like psssht. Anybody can annoy Raph! He's such an easy target. I guess the dude's right. Raph has a clouded inner eye, as Leo would say. Whatever that means. I think it means he smokes too much to be able to meditate very long.
He said to come back and tell him what a prankster I am when I can piss off LEO! I said, "YEAH?! I CAN PISS OFF LEO ANY DAY OF THE WEEK."
Don said except Thursdays because that tends to be saving the world day. It's a bummer because that was going to be family game night Now we can't play Scrabble anymore because we always have some pesky guy from another planet beaming in to tell us that he's going to challenge Leo to mortal kombat or some chick with green hair wants to make him bride and take him away to get eaten by the women of her planet to absorb his essence. That was CRAZY SHIT!
I am SO BORED right now! I made this awesome sauce video of Klunk dancing! I FINALLY found boots big enough that fit his little feet and I put a cowboy hat on him and played that song that Puss in Boots dances too in a Shrek video and had him dance for the camera and put it up on Youtube. It went TOTALLY VIRAL! I am a celebrity!
But Leo was all "security breach! We have been discovered!" because all the comments were like, "Why does the guy holding up the cat have green hands?" Whatever. Maybe I'm wearing gloves!
Raph just told me to stop saying "brah" because he thinks I'm saying "bra" every time. It's not my fault that he's a pervert! He totally steals all of April's Victoria Secret catalogs and keeps them in his pillow cases.
Leo wakes up at 4am every day to piss because he drinks a gallon of water when he goes to bed. I don't know why. I just work here. So I put plastic wrap over the toilet seat :D :D :D
He's going to piss like a racehorse and then be all totally like… yeah… ew! HA HA HA HA HA
I'll let you know how ballistic he goes when he pisses on his feet at 4 in the morning.
Day 2 of Torment Leo Project:
So… my plan to get Leo to pee on his feet failed because Sensei get up at 3am and… yeah…
Now I have to clean the bathroom! Life sucks! How is this fair?! Raph is SO MUCH DIRTIER THAN ME I CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU BRAH!
I ate ice cream for breakfast and gave some to Klunk and he puked.
Leo meditated for a long time this morning. I was going to fart in his face but didn't have any ammunition. I put Klunk's butt in his face and told him to get a whiff but he said he was on another plane and couldn't smell cat butt right now. I played that Friday song by Rebecca Black on the big speakers in the dojo and made a big tower with all the weapons and they all fell down a lot and made lots of noise and Sensei told me not to cut off my own toes and to lock up the cat before I throw weapons and Leo didn't even blink man! He's a machine! Then Raph said MIKEY WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NOISE! WHY DID YOU TELL APRIL I LOOK AT HER PANTY BOOK! I'M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR JUNK AND FEED IT TO THE CAT! PUT DOWN MY WEAPONS! DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT! LEAVE LEO ALONE!
Leo didn't mind. He said he hadn't heard any of it.
Don hasn't slept in six days so I put a bunch of melatonin in his dinner and he fell asleep while he was putting away the bomb fuses and part of his desk got exploded. Klunk is hiding in Leo's bed and peed but he put his sheets in the washer and flipped his mattress and then went to sleep. He's a champ! POOR KITTY!
I drank six monsters today.
I want to write a novel where this dude goes to another planet and then he meets all these alien women and one of them is a princess and they swim and it's all romantic and then they lay eggs together. I want to have all daughters so we can watch Powerpuff Girls together.
I'm going to dye all of Leo's masks FUCKING PINK!
Torment Leo Day 3:
I dyed all his masks pink and he just threw them away and said to Raph not to mix his stuff together with ours. Raph said IT WAS FUCKING MIKEY'S FAULT! QUIT BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING! WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! Well not really. He huffed and said he didn't do it and if he did he'd be more careful next time but he thought I washed a load but couldn't remember because Hun hit him in the head with a car last night.
Leo made Raph lay down and he has a concussion.
I wish I had hair.
I think Don's allergic to onions. He always has a shit ton of gas when he eats them.
I want to give April a haircut.
DUDE THAT COW ON THE TV TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE RAPH WHEN I WAKE HIM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO TELL HIM IT'S RAINING!
Leo is going to exercise now and he always has this whey milkshake that's supposed to be chocolate flavored. If I married Katy Perry would I be Mr. Perry or would she be Mrs. Hamato? Mrs. Hamato Mr. ROBOTO!
I don't want to train. I have to do some katas.
I JUST KICKED RAPH'S ASS! He had a head injury but a victory is a victory.
I put chocolate laxative in Leo's whey milkshake. He does like six hours of tai chi a day it's really boring. I can't even play video games. This is stupid.
Oh he's making faces now. Don wants to know what I'm writing. I said I'm writing an account of how epic we are so that when we all get sucked into an alien dimension someday the world will know how great we all are.
Raph looks kind of dizzy. He drank a full two liter of Pepsi in one gulp. He's a beast.
Leo ran to the bathroom. Raph ran after him going WHAT'S WRONG?! ARGH!
Torment Leo Day 4:
Don gave me fifty bonus points for making Raph all mad by doing nothing to him but said that even though Leo had to use the jon for a long time, he still used his chi mental energy to hold back the runs for like twelve hours because Lev Clortho beamed into the living room and said that the elders from his dimension were going to invade. The only thing that could save his planet was if he traded essence with Leo because he's the greatest thing on planet earth NOT A BATTLE NEXUS CHAMPION, BY THE WAY!
I kindly volunteered for him to trade with me since Leo was busy on the pot and I was the frickin' Battle Nexus champion anyway. He yelled from the bathroom that he would be out in a minute and to give Lev Clortho a seat and something to eat since his planet faces great famine I guess.
I made him a big sandwich and said that I was the best ninja and he should totally trade with me and how do you deal with the tentacles on your face? Are they a sign of virility on your planet?
Leo finally came out of the bathroom and he said that despite his internal anguish, he would persevere and use his great mental strength to combat his physical distress because he people of two worlds depended upon him. So I guess he's going to come home and poop when he gets done saving the world.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF A CAT DRESSED LIKE A SHARK RIDING A ROOMBA! Raph thought it was funny. Don wondered if they drugged the cat. I said not everybody is as evil as him.
Lev Clortho told April that all of the women on his planet have changed their names to April O'Neil because they are all so far beneath her. She said that must be pretty confusing. Lev said it won't matter because everybody is going to get nuked by the planet elders soon anyway. I said his planet elders sound like they need to watch some cat videos or something. GET HAPPY, GUYS!
The planet elders changed his name to Lev the Inadequate because of his failure to capture Don the Sorcerer's soul. I think that they worship Donnie as a god on their planet. If he doesn't trade energy with Leo by midnight tonight then they're going to destroy their planet and then zap over to Manhattan and blow up earth too.
I wanted Don to rate my performance, but he had to go do some smart stuff to stop a big interdimensional portal from opening somewhere. He said this one responds to musical codes performed by the voice of the One Who Will End the Darkness. I asked if that means Leo has to stand there and sing at the portal. Don says yes.
I just called Karai and told her to show up at the site where the portal will open because we want to challenge her father's honor. She said I am the lowest scum of the earth and that she would not condescend to have her honor challenged by someTHING as lowly as me. I said that it was REALLY because Leo wants her there because she is the only one in the world who has as much honor as he does and he wishes she was around more. She cleared up her calendar like magic and said that she would show up to show him solidarity in his time of need.
I just checked my hits on my Youtube video. FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND BOOYAH!
Raph asked Leo what he'll sing at the portal. He says he should sing Holding Out For a Hero by Bonnie Tyler. Don said that he has to sing a series of notes with a certain pitch or else the portal will collapse and he'll get sucked in or something else will happen. It sounded bad anyway. We made him practice and he sounded terrible. Leo doesn't sing too well. Raph laughed at him and they got into a fight. Raph told me to leave Leo alone. I think Raphie Boy is getting suspicious.
Now we're on a rooftop. Raph asked what I'm writing. I said I'm keeping a log of what we do for posterity and junk. Some short guys jumped out of a big swishy portal and said that if Leo won't willingly swap energy with Lev the Inadequate that they will take his energy by force.
I said I GOT IT! THIS IS TOTALLY PENIS ENVY BECAUSE YOU DUDES ARE SO SHORT! Well Leo's dick is much bigger than yours, Evil Hobbit Brahs!
Then Karai and a bunch of the foot clan showed up and Karai was all awkward and Leo was red in the face and said that it was neither here nor there and could Karai wait until he's done singing into the Void to have an honorbound fight to the death? She said she was there to support him in his time of need and inadequacy. Lev said he totally understood and it was nice that she came to help.
April called Don and told him she needed help with her final and he said he was busy watching Leo in an intergalactic pissing match with Lev Clortho and Karai and he'd call back later.
Raph is on Facebook on his phone. I sent him the video of the kitty in the shark costume on the vacuum again. He's getting mad now that Karai is making Leo all stammery and blushy about his manhood so he went over and said that somebody had better go in or out of a portal soon or he'd shed some blood to hurry the process along.
The head Evil Hobbit popped out this big glowing stick of DOOOM! And planted it into the roof and said that if anybody crosses it, that they will have their energy stolen. He's laughing evil like now.
Don told Leo to hold on while he does some math and then he can sing into the portal of DOOOM!
WHOA! LEO JUST FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT AT DON! HE JUST SAID "I CAN DO MATH ON MY OWN! JUST STAND THERE AND LET ME DO THE MATH! DID I ASK YOU TO HELP ME OUT? I TOLD YOU TO STAND OVER THERE AND KEEP AN EYE ON THE FOOT NINJAS WHO JUST SEEM TO BE STANDING HERE WATCHING ME FOR NO REASON! HONESTLY! DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO?!"
Karai goes all, "DISHONOR UPON YOUR ANCESTORS IN THEIR LITTLE AQUARIUMS IN LITTLE GIRLS' BEDROOMS!" Because our ancestors were pet store turtles, you know.
Raph asked if he should sing at the portal since he's better at it. Leo said, "IF I WANTED YOU TO SING, I WOULD ASK! AND I'M THE CHOSEN ONE! DO YOU LOOK LIKE ME? EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND LET ME SING SO I CAN GO HOME AND USE THE BATHROOM!"
Karai scratched her head and said there was a gas station nearby and she would hold them off for a while if he needed it. Don said that the timing was precise and he had no time.
So the glowy stick of DOOOM! made lots of noise and just as Leo was about to sing at it, Raph said that he wanted to do the singing because Leo's being tone deaf will destroy the world. Leo pushed him and told him not to challenge him and blah blah blah…
Oh dude… not good… he walked by the glowy portal stick and it made a big boom and Leo and Raph both got blasted backward like off the building. Karai went psycho and kicked Evil Hobbit guy's ass and commanded the foot clan to shove them back into the portal and destroy the glowy portal stick since they were clearly there to harm Precious Leo.
I caught Raph and swung him onto a fire escape. He body slammed into the brick and some of them fell into the street. He's unconscious and I need to get him home. Don said it would go a lot faster if I put the pen and notebook away and stopped writing. I said he should hurry up and get Leo out of street and then I'll stop. I already rescued my brother for the evening. Slow guy!
We're going to go home now and add up my points for the night.