AlexHamato pointed out that I hadn't done this yet and I bribed her with letting me go home to write it instead of going to watch Guardians of the Galaxy, telling her I would pay for it tomorrow.
Well they finally gave me back my diary. All I have to say is ?
This is clearly the weirdest situation these boys have ever gotten me into. And I mean even weirder than when Mikey turned human and I was pretending to be both his sister and mother at the same time.
The morning after Mikey gave poor Leo all that laxative and then Leo and Raph got knocked out by the interdimensional portal stick I woke up on the couch because I'd spent the night in the lair to keep an eye on them. Mostly to put my fist in their faces if they started fighting. Sensei can do that very well on his own but he thinks it's good for them if a woman threatens them every so often so they can feel a mother's love.
I was standing at the sink in my poodle pajamas and heard Raph saying something unusually articulate for so early in the morning. It was something suave and Japanese. Then somebody else shouted and at the same time they shouted, I felt like somebody wrapped me in a freezing cold blanket and threw me back against a brick wall, but everything went black around me. I remember thinking I should scream, but there wasn't any sound. Then I was aware that I was in a space. It's not like how you read, "Then I found myself on the floor of wherever…" I was aware that I existed and wasn't cold and there was grey. And my body was there.
Eventually, everything cleared and my mind told me that I was on the floor somewhere and it wasn't a familiar somewhere. Then a bigger part of my brain asked to check if I had all my body parts intact.
The answer was a really wobbly and pained yes. I realized that Raph had at least been nearby when whatever-it-was happened and mumbled his name into the floor.
His big hands grabbed me and yanked me to my feet. "April, are you okay? Do you know where we are? I believe we're in some kind of temple. I can't decide if I should pray or attack those monks." Raph usually didn't consider choices when it came to pummeling people for information.
"Are you okay?" I asked. "You sound different."
Then he reached behind himself over his shoulders the same way that Leo does when he goes for his katanas and he sort of stupidly groped the air. Then his eyes bugged out and he started poking and slapping himself everywhere.
"What kind of dance is this?" I checked to make sure I was still wearing pajamas. "Did you lose something?"
"I'm… not me… This is… Where is Raph?" He spun around in a circle. "I mean me. I mean… Where are we? And I'm Raph!"
I thumped my chest. "You Raph. Me April. We find Leo now. Excuse me, Mr. Monk!" I flagged down a guy.
Raph said, "We mean no disrespect if you have some kind of custom of silence…. Oh, dear…"
The monk turned around and his face was covered with a beard of swaying tentacles. He said, "You have been summoned here to the planet of Phael'Ure. Your female is to be taken away and held captive so that her hormones do not stimulate you to violence with us."
Some guards grabbed me. I had my diary clutched in one hand and a bottle brush in the other. I'd been cleaning a bottle when I had an idea to write about how I live with such filthy pigs.
"Please relinquish your wand of sorcery, female," the monk said as he passed me off to a bigger freaky alien guy with bigger squirmier things coming out of his face. The big guard took my bottle brush and smelled it. Then he took my diary and put it in his pocket.
"Now see here!" Raph, who I was suspecting was somehow Leo in Raph's body, said. I normally just paraphrase when Leo gives those big battlefront orations because nobody around can remember a word he says. But this time I had plenty of down time to sit and think about it. I cannot believe what a windbag that kid is. He went, "I find myself at a loss of words for your lack of respect for the opposite gender. I stand here upon the soil of a new land although I suspect that further scientific analysis might prove that we stand upon an asteroid or comet or moon or some other kind of floaty thing in space. Anyway, I find that my female friend has had her honor sullied in the most grievous way. I am a ninja and would never let myself be foiled by the hormones of a woman! (Please note that their insult is really to him and not me when he gets down to it) I demand to know why you have brought me here. I may… uh… be a little out of sorts though so please make it fast so I can find my brothers and figure what is going on. You must believe me when I say that I do not wish to harm anyone but I will not hesitate to fight each and every one of you if my hand is forced. I suppose they will be forced to use these damned sai since I don't have my swords, but whatever. Anyway, please release my female to me and… hey!"
They dragged me out and I heard him kicking people. But I was locked up for at least a day in a very nice cell that was closer to a hotel room for about a day. Finally, a guard brought in a nice big meal and my diary saying that because it contained no explosives they considered it safe.
I spent several hours yelling at turtles and aliens and I wonder if I accidentally huffed paint. They brought me into a large room filled with shimmery alien gem stuff and said that Leo had been elected Emperor of Phael'Ure. Leo stood near a throne of weird glowy purple stones that sort of changed shape all the time and he was yelling at Lev Clortho, "I DON'T CARE WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUMBASS LAWS YOU HAVE! A THREE YEAR OLD COULD COME UP WITH BETTER STUFF! YOU PUT ME BACK OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!" Then he saw me and went, "April! They got you out of the brig finally. You been treated okay? Anybody I need to skin?" And Leo, who I suppose is now Raph, cracked his knuckles. Leo trying to look scary looks all kinds of silly. He pulled out a katana and tapped it in his palm and made those threatening step gestures that Raph likes.
Meanwhile, Raph stood next to the throne, staring at it like it might reach out and catch him. I mean, Raph's body, with Leo inside.
I made some noise that I demanded to unseat the King and be the Queen since they had recently renamed all the women on the planet after me, but it received negative attention because all the men on the planet were now really confused all the time.
Mikey grabbed me and hugged me and yelled, "This is the coolest place ever except they tried to make Klunk their king, but I said that I'm his top diplomat and he has to abstain from power because of a conflicting interest with their policy on holding mice sacred. So they said they needed to elect Leo king of the planet, but he's in Raph's body. Raph's body told them he was Leo, but they said that even though Leo's soul was in Raph's body they still had to elect Leo's body President of Phael'Ure because they already had made a bunch of statues and commemorative plates with his face on them and didn't have the money to scrap it and start again. So Leo's all confused because he's Raph now and Raph is yelling at Lev Clortho because Lev doesn't want to offend the gods by taking back a spell that they bestowed upon him to you know put Leo and Raph back in the right bodies and Leo's all jittery and weird because Raph's body wants to smoke and he won't let himself because of the purity of the leadership role you know. He wasn't too happy when I reminded him that Raph is king now so he doesn't have to worry about looking good as the leader. Don was banished instantly to the Outerlands for speaking words of profane wisdom. They hate wisdom here and banish all the smart people to the far away regions. They elected me head of the army. I have to go out and see the army now. I'm going to tell them that whoever is the best dancer gets to be Klunk's body guard. See ya!" He held Klunk in his arms and the poor thing was shivering and hissing like mad.
"Wait! Where's Sensei!?" I demanded.
Leo, who looked like Raph, wandered towards me in a fugue state and said, "They sensed that he's tense from raising unruly sons so they sent him on a force beach vacation at knife point, surrounded by beautiful alien women. I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to reach him so far." I noticed that his hands clenched and unclenched and wouldn't stop shuffling around.
"Maybe we should leave him there for a while to have a private luau with the local alien chicks. Although the knifepoint is a little worrying." I noticed that all the men were staring at me. "What's their problem? WAIT! WHERE'S DON? THE OUTERLANDS! IS THAT SAFE?!" I marched up to a guard and thumped him in the chest and said, "What did you do with my brother?! I should pull off all your tentacles, Squiggly!"
The guard cowered and said, "You clearly have a will stronger than that of any woman in this land! I say we make her the head of the harem of the King of Phael'Ure! You are to lie with the King tonight and make him many sons!"
"WHAT?!" I wanted to throttle him. Leo's body, with Raph inside, grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Yeah, that's fine. She's the number one bitch of my harem. Just lock her up real safe like in my bedchamber and I'll go ravish her tonight. Make sure nobody bothers her and keep her safe."
"So that she may ready her loins for you?" the guard asked. Raph's body with Leo inside made some retching noises.
Leo's face (which was really Raph), distorted with disgust and said, "Yeah whatever. But don't watch or rush her or anything. Wait a minute… Harem… I have a harem? Where?" He looked around himself as if women might just kind of materialize in the room.
The guard prodded me off towards some other alien flunkies and said, "You have many women waiting for you. The impotence of our planet has caused all our women to be barren of not their own doing. They await a great steed like you to mount them."
That was enough of that. "Okay, we are not playing this game," I said. "Nobody is tossing me into the King's bedchambers and Raph is not going to be lying with the harem. And assuming he remembers that the alien women probably look pretty similar to the guards… he'll reconsider and be a gentleman and not take advantage of them." I imitated a wriggling beard.
That snapped Raph out of it and he tried to flick Leo's swords back in their holsters but they went clattering on the floor and the sound echoed all over the place. "Yeah, right. I was about to get to that point of how I'm a gentleman and would never take advantage of girls like that. You all ought to be ashamed, you bunch of pigs!"
Raph's body came forward and said, "I demand to know what you've done with my brother Donatello."
"But, sire!" The guard still seemed to be stuck on Raph pollinating the local virgins for him. "Your women will be sorely displeased that you will not relieve them of the shame of the impotence of the men of this world!"
So I'm sitting around the King's chamber trying to convince these goons to tell us where to find Don, unsure if we should grab Splinter from his forced vacation, and worried that Mikey is going to post a viral video of a bunch of alien soldiers twerking. Raph is yelling at the guard about how he's not going to father a nation. He just called the planet, "…a big Hentai perve scene…" I think.
Leo finally (Raph's body with Real Leo inside) grabbed the head guard and looked all intense and used really big words and it was pretty effective because now he not only has his big charismatic threatening thing, but he's in Raph's big body to do it. The guard squirted yellow fluid out of his face. I think that means he just "wet himself with fear."
Mikey was making the soldiers all line up by height. All 500,000 of them and we said we needed him to put together his best guys to make a convoy with us to rescue Don. And possibly Splinter. Raph still wanted to check out his harem, even though he'd been screaming at the head goon about it, but Leo gave him some rather sharp Japanese words and he looked all submissive and sorry. I recognized some of Raph's words as meaning sorry and how you would address an elder like a parent. Which was cute. And a little strange because it was Leo's body and voice doing the submitting to Raph for a change.
Mikey said he'd let us know which were the best after he lined them all up by height and figured out which five guys were the tallest. Like at the North Korean border, I guess. Klunk was in a little box, poking out his fluffy paws, trying to escape.
One of the priests bowed to the box Mikey had put Klunk inside and said, "We bow to you, oh, creature of grace and magnificence. We ask that you surrender this thing of beauty so that it may be worshiped by all on the planet."
Mikey squealed like a girl and said that he couldn't possibly go on a rescue mission with the army because they were making Klunk a god and he had to make sure they didn't try to eat him to absorb his strength or something. Leo actually AGREED with that. And I mean the real Leo in Raph's body and said to keep an eye on poor Klunk and make sure he didn't end up on somebody's menu. Mikey said, "I have all his wardrobe planned already in my head! This is like the greatest moment of my life! I always wanted to get him a bolero jacket like a bull fighter but I thought the shoulder pads would make him too wide to get into the litter box. We need to make Wednesdays his special day so that he can have privacy and lots of catnip! Can I be his high priest?! High Priest Michelangelo of the Klunk Cult!" He was very cute, although I wished he'd have been more like, "Keep your damn cat holiday! I have to go find my brother!" But whatever. We had a whole army at our command.
Leo ordered the least useless guys to get into formation and they ran into the barracks and cried. Raph, who was in Leo's body, said to fuck them all and we'd just go ourselves. But we still had to wait around for a big entourage because it turns out it's profane for the king to touch the ground so Raph, who looks like Leo, was in a litter born by his harem girls who were all huge and burly and butcher than him. I think he was SUPER freaked out by that and hasn't come out of his litter the whole trip so far. Raph had to carry me after like half a day. I mean, Leo in Raph's body.
Leo and Raph, in each other's mutual bodies, tried to toss me up into the litter, but the priest told us that they would have to go all the way back to purify the sacred litter and so Raph's big body carried me the whole way like a toddler, apologizing the whole time for having to touch me. I told him I would flick his forehead if he didn't shut up about it.
So… Just a typical day in our lives.