Disclaimer: I do not own GG. If I did, the show probably wouldn't be as fucked up as it is right now =P I do, however, own this story.
Therefore © by drifted-haiku.2010. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of moi.
So it goes without saying that I'm hooked on you
And by now I'm out of my mind with this self-abuse
I guess should have looked out for myself
There's a moment (every great love story has at least one: a brief realization that later leads to what should be either a happily ever after or a room at the heartbreak hotel, mostly the latter though) and this is theirs. A slight grazing of the elbow, a brief skin on skin, nerves firing contact that undoubtedly means more to him than her; but regardless of how she feels, it happened and he couldn't stop thinking or stop wondering where this would all lead to.
Then about a week later, they kiss. His mind's screaming that this is wrong. It's Blair. It's him; and together, they're sort of imperfect, mismatched and altogether don't belong but she was crying (from what else?) while he was stammering because it's a sight that she rarely lets anyone else (except Serena and Dorota and he has to think that he's not included in that exclusive club). He didn't know what else to do so he kissed her (and partly because he's been staring at her lips for quite awhile now).
She doesn't pull away or slaps him. Actually, when they break apart, her fingers trace over her lips, looking like she's been struck by lightning. He bows his head in shame (he always does when he crosses some sort of line he's not supposed to) and instead of her scolding, cursing, or hitting, she cups his face and surprises him with a couple of kisses of her own. He thinks that they must be trapped in some sort of alternate universe for her to do this because no way in hell does Blair Waldorf plays the kissing game with Lonely Boy from Brooklyn.
They don't speak afterward and decide to stay away from each other for awhile to sort out the mess they've entangled themselves in. It doesn't last long because shit hit the fan a week later (it's the UES after all). He finds himself sitting beside her on the rooftop of an abandoned warehouse. Instead of talking, their lips land on each other because they realize that they'd rather numb the pain than talk it out. Kissing then leads to something else (it always does), not definitive though because they both decide that this is only going to be temporary; nothing more than what it is, which in his opinion, is friends with benefits but they're not friends and he doesn't want to be alone (Serena and him are off again after they were on again) and neither does she (Chuck's Chuck); rather than wallowing in their own self-pity and misery, they spend it in silence while fucking away the pain.
Weeks turn into months. They carry on like some sort of damned lovers that can't be together because of extenuating circumstances, but that's not the reason why. There's a thrill of being discovered, he realizes, as he finds himself dodging camera phones and ends up spending too much time at the library or someplace else that no one would ever go to (no one with a life would—that is). In the end, someone always gets hurt and it turns out to be him (no surprises there).
It's the night of their graduation party and they're standing on the rooftop of the Chuck's Empire, overlooking the entire city. He's drunk-ish and she's looking lovely. He couldn't help himself so he says the first thing that pops into his head. "I think I'm falling for you."
The colors drain from her face, and it almost makes him want to stop talking though he doesn't. He supposes it's because he loves heartbreak as much as Blair loves her Audrey's reveries. "I know that we decided in the beginning that this," he then points at her then back at himself while his vision slowly blurs, "wasn't— uh—going to be anything more than what it is and that we aren't going to be anything more than what we are but—" He stops because his throat has begun to close up, and his head has begun to spin. He swears he saw a drop of blood on the ground but it's probably his imagination.
"No, Humphrey." The she locks eyes with him, regretful and all, but the only thing he can think of is how beautiful she is when she lies like this, all the while he couldn't do anything else than gasping for air. He wonders why this hurts more the second time around even though it's supposed to be less than what he had with the blond of his dream. "We can't be more than this. I'm sorry."
When he gathers enough courage to look at her, really look at her, he finally sees what he's been blinded by hope all this whole time: a girl who's afraid falling again, of handing out her heart to another guy who might just smash it to pieces like the last one and of having to pick up the pieces all by herself in the end; so she closes up, builds walls and put up defenses behind her; and he's the fool to think he could change her. Then she looks away when she notices his unnerving gaze, as if ashamed for having to break his heart. "I'm sorry." She repeats again and again, like saying it with more conviction than the last would actually stop the bleeding and the hurting.
He brings a hand to his mouth to suppress the urge of hunching over and throwing up. His breathing turns shallow before he heads for the door to get away from Blair Waldorf and the city full of memories with her.
Author's Note: I do have another story that I have yet to complete but the inspiration for that has gone so I thought I try my luck and start this one for now. This will be a oneshot, composed of 3 parts. This is the intro, the next part will come soon. I will try my best to update the first chapter soon, once I've written it, of course. Any comments or criticisms will be greatly appreciated ^^
p.s. I stole the title from a John Mayer's song so the credit goes to him =)