Dear Doyle,

Angel told me that writing down what I feel in a letter, might help. I don't believe him. But it can't make me feel any worse than I feel right now… You probably can't hear me, and I guess you wouldn't want me to, I mean… I don't know what I mean.

People always say that the pain never really goes away, but it gets easier. Well, when? Everyday I miss you more than ever. I never thought that I would miss a person so much. I wish you could hear me… I remember everything about so clearly. Your wit, your charm… The way you would stalk into the office late on Monday mornings with a hangover and stinking of scotch. I miss the way you would call me 'Princess' and made me feel so special when all my flaws were all on show. I miss your more than a Greek tragedy way of fashion that kept me bewildered and amused.

I don't know how to continue without you… You were always there for me and Angel. You were the one that brought us all together… And I just don't want to accept that you have left my life.

So you know everyone is fine. Angel… Well Angel deals with everything in his own unique way. It's annoying, pointless and what's more, it hurts me. Sometimes, I think because he has done so much in his life, he can't think about your death. I'm not saying he didn't care about you, 'cause I know he misses you. But if he thought of your death at anytime, his heart would break.

My heart's already broken. I think about you everyday. How can I not?

You left me standing there, watching you die. You gave me a kiss that has meant more to me than anything on this goddamn planet. I'm trying so hard to understand… Help me understand…

You can't be gone! You just can't! I love you. I realized that the very day that you were taken from me. That was our first… And last kiss. Then you were cruelly ripped away from us… Sometimes when I remember that… I can barely breathe. It just takes a hold of me. All the fear, anger, hate and pity all washed away when you and I kissed… I can't accept that you are gone. I don't want to accept. If I could have just another chance to be with you, then I could fully open my heart and tell you that I love you.

God, I miss you so much. I would do anything, anything, to hold you in my arms again. I miss your laugh, your smile y'know the one with the cute little dimples. I miss your green eyes, they way they used to twinkle.

How am I supposed to live without you? I don't know how I am supposed to go on…

I have tried so hard to move on with my life, but I can't help but feel empty… I can't help but miss you. My heart aches like something vital has been ripped away from it. I just want to see you again, tell you how much you meant to me…

I'm always thinking about… I'm always dreaming about… What could have happened if we had a little more time… What might have happened if we had never encountered those who took you away from me…

I can't do this on my own. I can't stand missing you any longer… I love you Doyle. I love you so much… I wish you were here beside me… I wish so much that we had set the cards on the table before… Before everything happened.

Now you're gone, and I can never see you again. I just…

I watch that tape you and I made everyday, just to see your face. Just to witness your smile and cute little nervousness as you try and urge people to Angel.

I can't handle this! I can't! I don't know what to do! It's too hard! It's not fair, Doyle, it's not fair!

I feel empty. Like a part of me is missing…

All the time…

I love you!

I need you!

Please come back to me! I swear I'll do anything to get you back… Tell me what to do! Doyle I can't live with this! I'll be better I promise! Please don't leave me! Please stay by my side! Kick Dennis out, do what you must but be with me, stay with me forever… Please…

You can't really be gone forever. It hurts so much. Isn't there someway you can come back? Please, I'll do anything!

Promise me that you will watch over me, please. I just need to know that you are near me. I'm not ready to lose you.

I am so angry at what you did to me… But at the same time… So proud of you…

I miss you…

Cordelia

x