Please Leave A Review
"Come on, you have to leave a review! The author worked hard on this story!" cried Link.
"No he didn't. She's just being a damn fool again." said Zelda.
"Shut up! They don't need to know that!" Link said to Zelda. He then turned back to you and said, "Really, you have to leave a review. If you do, you can win all sorts of extravagant prizes. For example, I have here a near-perfect replica of the Master Sword. Well, apart from being able to banish evil of course. And the whole 'sword' thing. Oh, and it's not at all shiny. In fact, it actually looks more like a replica of-"
"I have to wonder Link. Assuming that this absolutely delightful reader does review, how will we get the prize to him or her?"
"We won't. We're just making wild promises to hopefully persuade them. Anyway, if you review, I will be happy to sign my hat and give it to the first reviewer. The second can have my belt and the third can have my shield."
"I suppose I might as well say something... If you don't review, I will hunt you down, tie you to a Powder Keg, put heaps more around you, then set them alight and run for my life. I'm not kidding."
"Anybody here like Malon in any sort of context? Because the first reviewer to be interested will get her, absolutely free! In fact, she's already boxed up, ready to go!" A man then pushed a box to Link, who opened the lid to reveal everyone's favourite ranch girl.
"Hey! What's going on here? I was asleep in bed just a few minutes ago! How did I get here?" Malon cried.
"As you can see, she is suffering from temporary amnesia and cannot remember that she volunteered to be given away to a complete stranger with unknown intentions."
"Given away? What? I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm going home!" When Malon tried to climb out of the box, Link forced her back in and resealed it. He then proceeded to ignore the muffled screams that Malon began to make.
"You would have to be a complete idiot to pass up this sort of deal. Malon will cook, clean, sing, look after any animals you may own, tend the garden, basically whatever you want her to. You will need to, ahem, persuade her a bit to begin with, but it's nothing a shock collar and the occasional beating wouldn't fix."
"That is mildly disturbing Link. I really don't think that Malon deserves that."
"What have I told you Zelda? We have no way or intention of giving the reviewers these items!"
"Oh. Right. Well in that case, the first reviewer will have permission to marry me or take my place as princess of Hyrule! Whichever is appropriate."
"See? Isn't this fun? Now, whoever gives the best review by 2011 will meet with Mr. Miyamoto and the lucky winner will choose a character for me to be officially paired with, even if it's you! You heard me right, the next game could very well see me marrying Zelda! Or Malon if you so choose. Or even Tingle, if that's the sort of sick thing you like. Ugh... All of a sudden, I'm glad that we can't follow through with these promises."
"So, basically, the point is, it's in your best interests to review this story. You will get a prize that you will never actually receive, you won't die from something that could never happen and best of all, you will have a deep feeling of satisfaction, because you did the right thing and turned your mother over to the authorities."
"So what are you waiting for? Stop reading and press that button down there! Say you liked it! Say you hated it! Say nothing of any sort of relevance for all we care! Just review!"
"Before it's too late!"