So, just saw the last episode of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and after seeing it, this oneshot stuck out in my mind most. Seriously, I couldn't resist. Guess I should say now, MILD SPOILERS for the ending of the brotherhood anime. Could be seen as a Roy/Riza fic.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.


Thing of Evil

Roy had said he wanted to try something new, perhaps give himself a more mature look, and at the time, Riza hadn't cared too much either way on the decision. She had replied with a simple, "Do what you want, sir," before moving on to what work they needed to accomplish that day. Paperwork, meetings, and so much more. There was a lot that needed to be done, and so Roy's declaration about a change in his appearance fell to the back of her mind, forgotten, as more important matters occupied her thoughts.

Or at least, it was forgotten up until Roy actually went through with his plan. Riza hadn't even noticed it growing until suddenly it was there, resting on his upper-lip, standing out like a bright, neon sign. She faltered the first time she noticed it, but managed to maintain her composure and continued with the report she had been giving. It was distracting, a change that was hard to get used to after seeing the same face of her superior officer, her friend, for so long. She would get past it though. She was nothing if not professional. After all, it was just a little facial hair.

But she couldn't move past it. Weeks passed by with that thing staring her in the face, and she found herself frowning at it on more than one occasion (something that unnerved Roy, as he apparently thought he had done something wrong, something to anger her).

'He didn't do anything wrong though,' she thought, trying to reason with herself, but her inner-self would not be swayed. 'At least, he didn't do anything wrong intentionally.'

Roy seemed to think that the thin mustache suited him ('It didn't. It didn't compliment his face at all. He was fine before,' she thought, feeling irrational), and no one saw fit to tell him otherwise. She supposed it was because most people who wanted to say something feared Roy's fiery retaliation if he took offense. Riza had no such concerns herself (Roy wouldn't dare, and she knew it), but she still couldn't say anything, because saying something would be admitting that she cared about what he looked like. Sure, she could pass it off as her only being concerned about the public's opinion of his appearance, but she knew he wouldn't buy it, and then she'd have to deal with at least a week full of shit-eating grins and knowing-looks.

It was times like this when Riza especially missed Hughes. Had the photo-enthusiastic man still been around, she knew without a doubt that he'd tell Roy exactly what he thought of the Flame Alchemist's mustache. The only other person she could think of who would be so brutally honest was Edward Elric (as for Havoc and the rest of the men, they were too busy placing bets as to who could get Roy to shave the mustache off first to be of much help), so when said blond showed up for a brief visit, she'd had hope.

It almost seemed as if the office held its breath when Edward first laid eyes on Roy, and they were not let down by the blond's resulting laughter as well as the barbs exchanged between the two. Unfortunately, that was all the happened, and by the time Edward left, Roy's opinion on his facial hair hadn't changed one bit despite all that Edward said. It would seem that after years of exchanging insults with each other, Roy didn't take what Edward said during their banter very seriously.

Riza tried to resign herself to the fact that the mustache was there to stay, but she just couldn't do it. It looked horrible on him. It was a thing of evil. It looked like something Edward or Hughes (had he still been around), or even one of the guys from the office had drawn on Roy's face with a marker while the Flame Alchemist was sleeping on the job (something Riza was happy to note Roy had been doing less and less of because of all the extra work they had on their plate, but he still occasionally succumbed to exhaustion after pulling multiple all-nighters).

It was that train of thought that formulated her present plan.

If no one was going to do anything about the mustache, then she would, and after thinking long and hard about just how to proceed with her plan, she came to a decision.

She began her plan after her and the office pulled another couple of all-nighters. She could tell that Roy was tired and that coffee was no longer helping, so she informed him that he should probably take a brief nap on the couch in his office before their next meeting. Her statement was met with wide-eyed looks of disbelief from everyone at the office, but Roy, not about to look a gift-horse in the mouth, didn't question it and disappeared into his office, closing the door behind himself.

She continued about her work for the next ten to fifteen minutes, well-aware of all the wary looks her co-workers were giving her. When she felt confident that Roy would be dead-asleep by now, she grabbed a small handbag she had borrowed from Gracia specifically for this plan, unplugging a cord from a nearby outlet and stuffing it into the bag along with the small contraption it was attached to. Not saying a word to anyone, she quietly stepped into Roy's office and closed the door behind herself.

As expected, Roy was fast asleep on the small couch, apparently tired enough not to care about having to fold his legs up just so that he could lie down. Approaching him just as quietly as she entered the office, she knelt down by his side and pulled out her supplies; the small, electrical heating contraption and it's contents (a recent invention in Amestris), a flat wooden stick that resembled a tongue-depressor, and a couple strips of fabric. The buzz of an electrical shaver would have woken him up and if he was startled awake while she was using a regular razorblade, she'd risk cutting him. This was the best and safest option.

Using the flat stick, she applied a thin layer of wax over the mustache (the bane of her existence), keeping her eyes on Roy for any signs of waking. Roy's only reaction was to hum pleasantly, as the wax wasn't too hot, just comfortably warm. Grabbing the strips of fabric, she carefully laid them over the wax and gently smoothed them down with her fingertips. Roy's lips pulled up into a small content smile. He looked so relaxed, so peaceful...

Riza tore both strips of fabric free from the Flame Alchemist's face in one quick stroke, removing all traces of that accursed mustache. Roy immediately bolted upright, screaming in a pitch that couldn't exactly be called manly. His wide eyes snapped over to her. As he eyed his mustache on the strips of fabric she held in her fingertips and quickly felt his own face to confirm that, yes, it was in fact gone, the look he gave her was completely... dumbfounded.

"It's for your own good, sir," she said as she tossed the strips of fabric into the nearby trash bin. As she walked out of the office, she added over her shoulder, "I wouldn't recommend growing it back."

Although she'd never admit it out loud, being able to see his face back to normal, unmarred by that pencil-thin mustache, was worth all the grins and knowing looks Roy threw her afterwards once he realized exactly why she wanted to remove the mustache in the first place.


So, there you go, my oneshot on that one image at the end of the series where Roy has that fugly mustache (sorry if anyone actually liked the look). This story is actually all based on a true story. My older sister did that exact same thing to her husband while he was sleeping (except with him, it was his eyebrows she was fixing, and after that one time with waxing, he made sure to keep his eyebrows under control so that she wouldn't do it again).

Review please and tell me what you think!