Naughty Bear Vs. Orochimaru & co.

I own neither Naruto or Naughty bear, but I am on the naughty bear leaderboards.


It would have been a typical day in the hideout of the snake Sannin, Orochimaru. He would sit on his ego building throne like object made out of creepy shit to inspire feelings of creepy shit on whoever looked at his creepy shit. Kabuto (AN: hehe, his name means helmet…) would stand nearby, strategically positioned so that light would reflect off his round frame glasses that would probably look cool on anyone else.

Orochimaru would come up with shitty ideas for creepy shit while Kabuto would play yes-man and smirk at nothing in particular. Creepy shit.

Elsewhere in the creepy underground shithole that Orochimaru calls his lair, Kimimaro would sit or stand or pace or eat potato chips to pass the time until he died of some shit that was never really explained, like turbo tuberculosis or something, and think about how worthless and useless he is while no one disagrees.

The sound four, who never got along, were sitting near the entrance to the batcave hideout and arguing.

"I say I'm the leader! I've got six arms so I can tell all three of you where to go and what to do while eating a sandwhich and drinking a pop!"

"Fuck you! I'm a girl, we're naturally smarter than an idiot guy like you, freak!"

"Tayuya, a lady shouldn't speak so harshly."

"Fuck off, fatass."

"You guys all suck, I should lead because-"

"Oh hell fucking no. you have two fucking heads and a split personality like a bitch, you really think you are gonna make a better leader than sixarms or fatso?"


"Shut it!"

While this aesthetically pleasing dialog was going on, a certain someone was creeping up from behind a bush, holding a big leaf attached to a stick. Unfortunately, despite his high tech camo, he was spotted.

Kidomaru shouted "Hey, who the hell is that? Get out here!"

As the shape emerged from the woods, it turned out to be a what looked like a giant teddy bear. His left ear had a bite mark, and he had a big scar running down his right cheek, but despite these injuries, he just looked angry.

"It's just a wounded bear, I'll kill it." called out Kidomaru, smirking.

He created a sword made out of spider spit whateverthefuck he calls it, and rushed at the bear. As soon as he got within a foot of the bear, a steel mouth clamped around his ankle, trapping him. He started to scream, but the bear quickly grabbed his arm, and got right in his face, yelling


As he yelled, the bear stepped on the trap, releasing Kidomaru. Grabbing the sword, he waited until Kidomaru stood up, then impaled him right in the gut. (AN: Incredi-Belly Knifage!)

As the others just stared, (Jirobo took out a lunchbox…) Ukon stepped forward, intent on challenging the bear… and stepped right onto a mine. He froze, unable to step anywhere lest the mine go off and blow him up.

Tayuya stepped forward, lifting her flute to cast a genjutsu. As she started playing, the bear, which had been ignoring her, flinched and covered his ears. Making unhappy sounds, the bear walked over, grabbed a nearby tree branch and smacked Tayuya across the face with it. he then jumped on top of her and stuck the stick in her mouth, twisting it back and forth. Eventually, the stick caused so much friction that Tayuya went up in flames. (AN: Sticky Incineration!)

Then, almost as an afterthought, he walked over to where Ukon was, who had by now spat out Sakon to help defuse the mine.

"Hurry Sakon, I don't wanna die here!"

"Shut up you sissy, I'm working on it."

And working on it he was. He was paying such close attention to the mine that he totally missed the bear coming up behind him until two paws grabbed the sides of his head and twisted, snapping his neck. Leisurely stepping forward, the bear proceeded to kick Ukon squarely in the crotch, causing him to step off the mine, and land balls deep in trouble. This trouble lasted for about three seconds before the mine went off, ridding the world of the two lipstick wearing idiots forever. (AN: Diabolic Detonation!)

Turning to Jirobo, he found himself face to face with a piece of chocolate cake. Immediately gorging himself on the cake. He didn't notice Jirobo sneaking away silently.