A/N: Now, this is a parody of some terrible Host Club stories I've read with blatantly obvious Mary-Sue's. Enjoy.
Oh, right. I don't own OHSHC.
The Single Most Cliched Host Club Story Yet
It was early spring, the time of the blessed year when the lovely flowers unsheathed themselves from the wintry confines of, well... winter, and sprung up from the unfrozen ground to bring joy to all persons who just so happened to see them.
And it just so happened that, in that very spring, seven new students transferred to Ouran Academy.
They all came from foreign lands- the United States, France, Canada, and even one from Greenland- and mysteriously came to Ouran on the same day, at the same time. Each came from equally tragic backgrounds, but still they all shared something in common. And that was that they were filthy stinking rich!
Six of the newbies were girls, and the seventh was a boy who dressed like a girl because of his insecurities. He wasn't gay, oh no, he just didn't like men's clothing. Whatever!
The first, a stunning American girl named Rey'nild'ha with sketchy origins, was so beautiful and amazing that people would literally faint upon seeing her. When asked about what she wanted to be when she finally became an adult (despite her age of sixteen), Rey'nild'ha always, always responded that she wanted to marry a rich Japanese man who would be the prince of her dreams. Our wonderful Nildy (Have I mentioned that's what her friends called her?) had a severe royalty complex, and it was only complimented by her luscious golden curls and succulent blue eyes. Nildy also was obsessed with playing the violin, one of which she brought everywhere to give impromptu performances if demanded. She played the violin so majestically that it also made people faint. Ah, yes, our Rey'nild'ha left plenty unconscious people in her wake.
The second was Nildy's bestest friend in the whole wide world, a dark, vampire-like character named Rozella. It was said that if you ever truly looked into Rozella's violently violet eyes that you would die immediately, despite the fact that her beauty was beyond reason. Rozella was from a shady town of the USA called Forks, Washington, noted habitat for vampires. Of course... there were always the rumors- how she never went outside during the day and when she did she sparkled, how she seemed unnaturally bloodthirsty and obsessed with money (not that they have anything to do with each other), how her lips were a shocking crimson day after day, how her enemies were known to die under mysterious circumstances... The list goes on and on. Anyway, Rozella occupied her indoor time by handling financial business and putting up with Nildy, who affectionately called her "She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named", "The Dark Lady," "You-Know-Who-I'm-Talking-About", and "Bubbles."
Next we have a pair of twins, fresh off the plane from Greenland. Narika and Zovira were their names, and they were the Greenland-born objects of men's (and lesbians') fantasies. They were identical to the last strand of white-blonde hair, to the last emerald iris. Those twins put the "devilish" in "devilishly beautiful", since they were known pranksters. Ah, yes. The two were known for causing mischief and mayhem, and also for playing the impossible-to-win game of theirs, the "Which one is Zovira?" game. But even though they appeared to scorn humanity on the outside, inside the female twins just wanted someone to be able to beat them at Monopoly. Someone who could pick out their blatant cheating without help. Someone who loved them for who they really were! But until that day, they scorned humanity on the inside, too.
There was one such person who could beat the girls at Monopoly, a certain Terrence Wesley Nathaniel Ambrosius Harold Johnson by name. Ironically, he was also the only male member of the newly formed group of best friends at Ouran. Young Terrence grew up in Canada, the adopted product of a failed marriage between two homosexual, female Brits who just so happened to be living in Canada. And as if that wasn't complicated enough already, there was an ongoing custody battle between both women over their adopted son. Until, of course, that fateful day in Terrence's second month of life when Mommy #2 (well, they were two lesbian mothers) was violently eaten alive by hobos in a dark alley. Terrence was therefore raised by Mommy #1, who started dressing like a man just three weeks after the death of her ex-lover. That cross-dressing nature must have rubbed off on Terrence, who assumed women's clothing at the tender age of eight. Since then, he was scarcely seen in the men's department at clothing stores (unless he was shopping for his mother/father). Terrence, called "Terry" by his friends, actually looked quite masculine for a transvestite, despite the impossibly long, flowing brown hair and gigantic gray eyes. Still, upon seeing pictures of him at age seven (before he ever cross-dressed), they all deemed him, "KEYOOT!"
There are but two members left of the new group of buddies that I have yet to speak of to you. And alas, they were sisters. No, no, not twins (don't confuse them with Narika and Zovira, damn it! They're French!), but sisters. Named Petronille and Morgance, they were so close that Petronille was basically the latter's servant/bodyguard. HOWEVER, the only ones who bothered calling them by their full first names were each other! Everyone else called Petronille "Nilly-billy" and Morgance "Confection" for unknown reasons. Well, the first is explainable enough, but where in hell did "Confection" come from? And worse, it was even longer than her actual name! Anyway, Nilly-billy was over six feet tall, a sharp contrast to her doll-like sister's three-foot-eleven. Yes, yes, I am fully aware that just under fout feet isn't exactly the most common height for sixteen-year-olds. SHUT UP! Nilly-billy's face was all sharp angles, a far cry from Confection's angelic, rosy, cherubic head. So, obviously, they were polar opposites. Oh yeah. Confection was obsessed with muffins. And cupcakes, which she called "gay muffins" despite her childlike appearance. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Confection was really a scheming, perverted girl who swore like a sailor and had the mind of a fifteen-year-old boy (and she was DEFINITELY a yaoi fangirl, AKA the worst type of fangirl, who almost hungrily read steamy twincest fics secretly every day. Nilly-billy strangely did not know about her leetle seester's creepiness).
Somehow, all seven teenagers met in a Japanese airport and immediately hit it off, vowing to be best friends forever. Soon, they all discovered that they were going to the same high school (Ouran) and Nildy came up with the FANTABULOUS idea of starting a club! Because, you see, the Sacred Seven were all ginormous fans of the popular anime and manga, Ouran High School Host Club. It was one of the things that brought them together, pretty much. They loved the notion of a Host Club, and so decided to start a club of their own.
And what did they call that club, you ask. Aha, my comrades, those odd children called themselves, "The Mary-Sue Brigade," or "Mary-Sue's" for short.
The Mary-Sue's started at Ouran on the same day, of course, and immediately decided that the uniforms were, quote, "SO NOT KEWL!" (in the words of the ever-wise Nildly). Therefore, each stereotypically dressed differently than they should have. And since this author feels like wasting page space, I am definitely going to explain to you their outfits in rapt detail.
NILDY LIEK WOER A RILLY PRIITY MINY-SKURT WTH A SEXEY, RIVEELING TAINK TOPP AND STRIPPUR HEALS. ROZELLA DRESSD LIEK SHEE WUZ INN SHAKESPEER'S TIEMS AND WOER A LONGG, FLUFFFEY BALGOWNE BECUZ SHE'Z HAWT LIEK THAAT. THE TWINZ WOER SUPPER TITE JEENS AND SWETSHURTS WTH TOETULLY CLISHAYED CONVURSE SNEEKURS BECUZ THAY WURE CONVINSED THAY WURE KRISTIN STUART FRUM TWILITE AND THE AUTHER RILLY LIEKS THAAT AKTRISS. (A/N: Not really, my adoring fans!) TERRENCE WOER TUNZ OF MAEKUPP BECUZ THAAT'Z HOWW HEE ROLES, AND A RILLY FRILLEY PINKE SKURT/DRES. NILLY-BILLY WOER AN ORINGE SWETSOOT AND CONFECTION WOER A PLAD KATASTROPHEE. BUTT SHEE LIEKED ITT, AND THAAT'S WHUT COUNTZ, RITE?
AGH! It seems there was a mistake in the printing! EEK! What just happened? Did my brain die just now and miraculously come back to life? Did aliens possess me and force me to type that without realizing? Was I in a trance? Was I being lazy like most Sue-authors and forgetting to type in coherent English?
Hmm. No, the latter isn't likely at all. I'll blame it on the Holy Spirit. Damn that divine inspiration! (A/N: Religion humor! Ha ha ha!)
They arrived at Ouran with one major goal, and that was to seduce the Host Club. And to accomplish that, they needed to imitate them as well as possible.
-%*& THIS IS LIKE A TIME SKIPPING DEVICE. BLAST FORWARD LIKE TO THAT DAY AFTER SCHOOL, KAY? &*%-
"Greetings, my darlings," Nildy purred to the group of seven newcomers to the Mary-Sue's. Well, technically, this was their first day of club activity so everyone was a newcomer, but whatever. Nildy sauntered up to the guys, squeeing inside because they looked suspiciously like the Host Club, and whispered, "You are all so handsome that for once, I am speechless. Welcome to the Mary-Sue Brigade."
The one in front, a blonde guy with purple eyes, burst into tears of joy and shrieked in an unpleasant screech, "ZOMG YOU'RE REALLY REALLY PRETTY AND I THINK I LOVE YOU!" Never mind that our beloved Tamaki was acting waaay too OOC. You'll find that all the Host Club acted uncharacteristically OOC around the Mary-Sue's. "DUH DOES TWO PLUS TWO EQUAL NEGATIVE THREE?"
Nildy laughed, a charming sound that would move a pro wrestler to tears. "It does if you say it does, my love. Please come sit with me. You'll find that I am the Princess Type." Inside, her thoughts went as follows: 'Wooow, he's even prettier in person! EEEP! He's the Princely character of my dreeeeams! Now we can get married and live in a castle and-" You probably get the picture.
Tamaki giggled, "OKAY!" And followed her like a lost puppy to a couch, where they immediately began making out.
That left six Host Club-ers standing awkwardly in the doorway, and six Mary-Sue's standing awkwardly in Music Room #4. F-O-U-R. Four. Not to be confused with three.
Zovira and Narika decided to take initiative, and slouched up to Hikaru and Kaoru. "Heeeey boys," they said in heavy Greenland-ish accented Japanese.
"Hey there," said the boy twins.
Hikaru suddenly started jumping up and down. "Oh my God, Kaoru, I'm having a change of character right now! Wow, I'm such a selfish dumb-ass that I have virtually no friends!" He stopped jumping, and had a very Tamaki-like moment, pointing dramatically at the sky and screaming, "WELL NOT ANYMORE! I, Hikaru, am turning over a new leaf, damn it! From now on, I'm going to be pleasant and friendly and not as awesome as I am right now!" He turned to Zovira and knelt in front of her, exuberantly holding his arms above his head. "And it's all thanks to you, Zovira!" Somehow, he automatically knew her name and how to tell her apart from her twin sister. It's really complicated as to why, so I won't trouble you with specifications. "Even though I've only said two words to you before this confession, I think I love you!"
Zovira squealed like the fangirl she was and threw herself into Hikaru's arms. The two kissed very passionately for all of three seconds, and then disappeared behind some curtains.
Kaoru also had a revelation. "Hikaru is moving on without me, for once! HUZZAH! I've been waiting for this for years! And thanks to his change of heart, I can officially become the Evil Twin! YAY!" He glomped Nakira, saying, "And my first act as Evil Kaoru will be to steal the innocence of my one true love, Nakira! Then I will kill Tamaki's pet goldfish and poison America's water supply and flush Usa-chan down a trash disposal! WOOHOO! I LOVE BEING EVIL!"
Nakira grinned at him, enjoying how he was forcefully holding her against himself. "And I love you being evil too, Kaoru!"
Kaoru's expression grew crazed as he beamed at her, attempting an "evil" catchphrase. "SHUT UP, BITCH!"
Then they both giggled and ran out of the room.
Rozella stared at Kyoya for several seconds until she KNEW FOR SURE that he was paying attention, and then melodramatically fake-fainted. "Oh, I feel... faint!" she sighed.
Kyoya leapt to her side at an instant, cradling her limp form. He said in a deep, brooding voice, "I feel... strangely protective of you."
Rozella swooned again, turning her head away from him. "Don't look at me, Kyoya! I'm not nearly dazzling enough!"
"Do I dazzle you?" he grunted, not even aware that this Rozella character was somehow forcing him to spout cheesy Edward Cullen lines from Twilight.
"Yes!" she gasped, closing her eyes for dramatic effect.
Kyoya strangely pressed his lips to hers for an instant, before whispering in her ear, "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." How was that relevant? Whatever.
"You're such a stupid lamb," Rozella told him. "And I'm a sick, masochistic lion. I know."
Kyoya made his eyes "smolder" or something ridiculous like that, and then hissed in a sexy whisper to his new lover, "Bust out the shackles, I'm now your prisoner."
Rozella took that literally, and jumped up from her position on the ground. "Okay! Hooray for slave and master relationships!"
Then she dragged the young Ohtori out of the room, cackling about what she would do as his "master" and all the types of "torture" she would do to him. And our poor Kyoya (A/N: Ha ha, what an oxymoron, right?) couldn't even defend himself properly, as all he could repeat again and again was, "You are my life now." Damn that Stephenie Meyer! Damn Rozella for having an Edward Cullen fetish! Damn the author for GIVING Rozella the Edward Cullen fetish! Damn Mary-Sue's in general! GRR!
Terrence and Haruhi saw each other from across the room, and in typical OOC/Mary-Sue fashion, ran at each other (in slow motion, FYI) and without further ado, began having sex in the middle of Music Room #4, not even caring that everyone else was around. And once again, I, the author, say whatever. It's my story.
Meanwhile, Confection was meeting Honey. She saw him and asked at once, "Want to cover yourself in whipped cream so I can lick it off and then you can do the same for me?"
This author made Honey a pervert just like Confection, so he jumped excitedly into the air. "SURE! And then we can watch really bad sex tapes that I made with Usa-chan!"
"WOOT!" both shrieked, sprinting out the door and all the way to Honey's house.
Mori saw Nilly-billy and fell in love on the spot. He grabbed a microphone out of midair and then announced into it, "Eh-hem. This is Mori speaking." Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing in shock and poked out their heads to look at Mori, who was continuing on with his monologue. "I just want to say that I love you all and that I just got over a crush I had on Tamaki." While Tama-chan squeaked, "WHAT?", Mori continued, "I actually thought I was gay for awhile. It didn't help that one night that I hooked up with the entire Football Club-" more taken aback shrieks, "-and believe me, that was ONE HELL OF A NIGHT, BITCHES! Erm, sorry. Where was I..? Oh, right. Anyway, I have just realized that I am NOT indeed gay, and am quite straight. I'm as straight as a squiggly line! Wait, that's not straight... Hmm..." While he contemplated examples of straight things, the rest of the people in the room (particularly the Host Club) were thoroughly disturbed. That is... except Nilly-billy. She was enjoying this. "Well, that's not important! I'm straight and I love Nilly-billy here!"
"Oh, Mori!" she sighed. "I love you too!" And she threw herself into his arms. Everyone went back to what they were doing.
And it was at that moment that a certain Hikaru Hitachiin had to close his laptop. "Oh my..." he groaned to himself. "I am never going on the internet again. That was horrible! That terrifying excuse for an author completely butchered our characters! I don't think I'll ever recover... God. Fanfiction has really gone to the dogs."
Well, he'd certainly have an interesting story to tell Kaoru, that was for sure.
Alright, so it's done. What did you think? I know it's long and drawn out and probably not funny at all, but I've gotten so fed up with Host Club Mary-Sue's lately, so I had to take a stand. Adios.