Disclaimer: We don't own Ouran, Star Magazine, or eight Asian children, Tourette's Guy, or Samuel. If we did own Samuel, he'd be our sex slave in our basement that I would visit every night. Oh, this is a duo-gag-ficlet. ENJOY IT BITCHES.

Enter age seven-fucking-teen and one half of the twins + Tamaki:

BRINGBRINGBRINGBRING!BRINGBRINGBRINGBRIIIIIING! Said the alarm clock signaling that the Hitachiin twins should wake the fuck up.

"FUCKIN' SHIT!" one of the twins said (I'm not sure which one yet, I'll decide that shit later) as he slammed his manly-man fist down on the top of the alarm clock, crushing its bitch ass.

The other twin who we're not sure whom they are yet…but it was definitely a twin, because he had gorgeous silky fiery dawn and dusky flame-like inferno-inducing sexy amazing perfect shiny red hair that does not exist naturally in Japan and golden orbs which too don't exist period…owelz because…idk he was hot. The other twin seemed to notice this, too. He noticed his perfectly rounded globes…aka his ass.

The one twin with the red hair, the face, and nose, and golden smoldering husky musky eyes, and pale flawless baby smooth skin…I think it was Kaoru, but I'm not sure…anyway he looked sleepily at the other twin and winked at him and made a gesture to his you-know spot and a big ass mo fo catfish sized circus tent was being pitched, you could hear animalistic noises like lions and giraffes and poodles come from the same general area. This twin was going to say something akin to, "Hey baby, there's a circus in my pants (bed?) and you're invited," but before such a phrase could exit his perfect angelic awesome fabulous beautiful magnificent majestic dangerous sexy brave teenage hormonal seductive pale smooth lips, the one other twin interrupted and said, "Bitch-ass, you fuckin' drunk?"

The other twin that was accused of being intoxicated with alcoholic beverages looked at his other half of his conjoined twin in the soul of his chest incredulously. "Who you callin' a bitch-ass, bitch-ass? Imma fuck you up the butt!" he screamed, his beautiful glowing irises of molten gold and general sexiness ablaze with the mist of drunkenness.

He then ran over to his sober twin and ripped down his pants and underwear and rammed his unlubed fist up the others puckered hole with a victorious "POP!" noise while screaming "Hikaru!" The drunken twin was indeed very pleased indeed with the noise and the feel of his poop chute. The one twin getting rammed in the ass, who we decided gets to be Hikaru, moaned loudly and tried not to fart or shit around his twin's fist because really, how fucking narsteh do you get? Seriously. Jesus tits.

Kaoru, enjoying the fisting, started to stroke his post pubescent cock (by that I mean his rooster, named Itachi) and he then sent his rooster named Itachi to a cock fight and it died. ): After that he started to stroke his own cock (I mean his penis this time) thus making himself moan, and that caused Hikaru to get a hard on. It sure did give me a hard on. Oh baby.

So then Kaoru got a little excited and smothered Hikaru's dick in a blackberry pie, like that movie American Pie, only this wasn't consensual. And they're in fucking Japan. So while Kaoru did that, he groaned out this very phrase (I know, I was there): "That shit is fucking high resolution." And Hikaru could only nod his pretty little head. Mmm, blackberry pie…Kaoru removed Hikaru's dick from the pie and the knelt down and licked it like a lollypop. "OMNOMNOM. *sluuuuuuuurplick*" was all that Kaoru could say because his mouth was full of sexy identical cock at the moment. He will be back shortly. Please leave a message. Kk?

So now he's back with his hot rod-meat rod shoved deep into the love canal known as Hikaru's anus! And guess what? HE SHAT HIMSELF. How fucking gross is that? Kaoru didn't even remove his goddamn fist! HOW FUCKING NASTY. WTF HIKARU? Then Tamaki came in and saw what was going on and he instantly got a HUGE boner, kind of like a garage sale sign where it says "HUGE SALE HERE!" and there is ten things and they're all granny sweaters and salteh shakers…only Tamaki had a boner, not a garage sale. Though he probably did have some granny sweaters to sell because of his mean ass grandmother and I'm pretty sure that the Suoh's have some saltshakers to spare. And then Tamaki got all up in their grillz and started fisting Kaoru with his goddamned fucking HEAD. And I mean the one on his shoulders, not the one at the end of his fifty-inch penis shaft. So yeah, that blond rich bitch had his stupid head up Kaoru's drunken ass, fuckin' literally, and he thrust it in and out and almost couldn't breathe or move but the anal mucous was helping with the sliding motion and such. Ew, anal mucous. Fuckin' narsty. Yeah, so Tamaki's head was pretty much in Kaoru's intestines and he tried not to scream in satisfaction as the digestive juices got in his eyes, that fucking masochist.

So while Tamaki was being a hamster inside of Kaoru's anus, Hikaru got pretty bored because this isn't something he's never done before and started reading Star magazine and learned that Jon and Kate broke up forever ago…Damn. Oh, and they had eight kids, not ten. Fuck me. Shit. "I don't have time for this chicken-shit-bullshit!" he screamed, throwing the magazine down.

Anyway, so now Tamaki's big-ass head made it up to Kaoru's throat and he popped out that sexy bitch's mouth and he was wearing Kaoru like a fur coat. Damn that's a sexy fur coat, Tamaki, let me borrow that shit. Oh, and Hikaru, being the freaky freak shit fuck tits bitch freak he is, thought this was sexy and came in eight really huge ribbons of cum, (which kind of reminds us authors of confetti) only it was actual like satin ribbons shooting out of his dick hitting Tamaki in the face. Holy headshot, Batman!

Kaoru was over there dying because well Tamaki was fucking wearing his skin like an effing birthday suit. WTF IS THIS SHIT? So anyway Tamaki had to travel back down the rabbit hole so that Kaoru could survive another night…because this happens every morning every Wednesday. And just whenever they feel like it. Which is basically every day…including Sunday, because they're Atheists in our story…yeah.

So then they all came together, which is usually how fanfics end anyway. Now they're sleeping. By the way, they replaced the clock the anonymous twin broke because they're as rich as the color of my shit when I eat blueberries. FUCK YEAH BLUEBLURRIES WHICH SAMUEL FED US LAST NIGHT. He nice boy, very attractive to the eye…and vagina.