Okay, I'm doing something a bit new that I don't normally do. Other than "20 Stupid Horror Movie Cliches", I have never done a multi-chaptered humor or parody story. So I had this idea of doing a collection of stories that would parody some of the best-known fairy tales. They are going to be incredibly stupid, but entertaining nonetheless (I hope). This is more of a story that I'll work on when I have writer's block or want to work on a comedy. So I may not update as frequently as my other stories that I'm working on. Don't worry, since they're all going to be one-shots, there will be no cliffhangers, as the following chapters will simply be based on a different fairy tale. Anyway, I hope you like this new series.
Warning: Story is rated M due to language, occasional violence, and possibly lemony scenes every now and again. This chapter contains no lemons, but if there are any future chapters that will have lemons, a warning will be given out at the beginning of the chapter.
Deranged Crack Tales
Chapter 1: Snow White and the Seven Fanboys
Once upon a time, in a kingdom that no one gave a rat's ass about, there was a little girl with blond hair that shone like gold and eyes that sparkled like emeralds. What was the girl's name? Well, the funny thing is that on the day she was born, her parents were both completely shit-faced. After her mother gave birth to the girl, she looked out the window and saw that it was snowing. So she and her husband had the 'brilliant' idea to name her Snow White. As stupid as the name was, the girl was fortunate not to suffer any side effects from her mother's constant drinking throughout the pregnancy. Yet, being much smarter than both of her parents combined, Snow White decided to give herself a new name at the age of two. After watching a program about a vicious female assassin on TV, she renamed herself 'Zoe', because that was the name of the woman. Apparently the assassin had a nice outfit, so Zoe adopted the name in hopes of getting a similar costume someday.
One day, her mother went to work as a teacher. Although the family was rich and her mother was as dumb as a stump, she worked as teacher anyway. Supposedly she was able to cope with the shitty pay and annoying kids as long as she was on enough drugs. However, when she went to work on that particular day, she pissed off a boy with anger issues. The boy threw a pencil at her, stabbing her right in the heart somehow with the lead tip. It was a freak accident that no one liked to speak of.
Zoe's father remarried about a week after his wife's death, deciding that he didn't want to go through that 'grieving and waiting' period. He married someone named Kouichi, not realizing that his new 'wife' was not a woman. See, Kouichi wanted to get really rich, so he decided to cross-dress and pretend to be a woman in order to do so. The day after the wedding ceremony, he threw his new 'husband' into a pool of beer, all the while the now thirteen year-old Zoe watched in confused horror. Her father drank several pints of the beer, before getting so intoxicated that he drowned. Zoe was unable to save her father, and Kouichi went back to dressing like a normal man. With Kouichi now the head of the household, he decided to turn Zoe into a maid since he was too lazy to get off his own ass to do anything. He also decided to fire the other servants just to make more work for Zoe to do. For the next four years, he tormented the poor girl, making her live in a tiny closet like Harry Potter's at night. During the day she was forced to cook, clean, and and change the channel for him.
One day, Zoe messed up Kouichi's tea, adding one lump of sugar instead of two. Angered, Kouichi ordered her to be killed, not caring about the fact that there was only one lump of sugar in the entire house to begin with. He sent a hit man after Zoe, but the guy felt bad about killing her, so he decided to let her go. The blond was on the run from her stepmother/father/whatever the hell Kouichi would be considered. A few hours later, she met seven teenage boys, all of them saying that she could live with them in their strange hut in the forest. However, as horrible as Kouichi was, he was nowhere near as annoying as Zoe's new fanboys. She had only been there for two days and they were already driving her insane.
"Zoe!" Taisuke took hold of her hand, flashing her a cheesy grin. "I watched you sleep last night...and it was awesome!"
Taisuke was dubbed as 'Creepy' amongst Zoe and the other guys. He always tried to spy on Zoe and touch her in ways that made her extremely uncomfortable. None of the touches were sexual, but they were still downright creepy, hence his nickname. Creepy had curly red hair, blue eyes, and a rather large nose.
"I've told you this before," Zoe said with a sigh as she pulled her hand away. "Don't watch me sleep! That's really beginning to freak me the hell out."
"I think that she's right!" Kazuo agreed. "That's messed up! I'm so glad I'm not fucked in the head like you, Creepy! By the way, I'm not twitching, am I? AM I?"
Kazuo was known as 'Crazy', as he was...well, to put it lightly, crazy. The boy was constantly twitching and yelling at the voices in his head, one time even getting into a brawl with his multiple personalities. In the end, he had won the match, though not without a black eye and fat lip. Crazy had messy black hair and brown eyes, one of which was slightly lazy.
"Honk honk!" Mastuda suddenly ran over to Zoe, honked her breasts, then ran away laughing hysterically.
"You're such a pervert!" Zoe called after him. "I'm going to cut your hands off the next time you do that!"
Mastuda was known as 'Perverty', due ot his lewd behavior. He was known to continually masturbate, sometimes up to ten times a day. A large collection of hentai mangas and DVDs were stashed away in his closet, and a life-size sex doll was always in his bed. He was the one who would sexually assault Zoe, whether it was honking her large boobs, yanking her shirt up, or flashing her. The oldest one in the group, he had light blond hair, blue eyes, and usually a perverted smirk on his face, as if he were scheming something.
"Do you want me to kill him?" Michael asked Zoe, holding up a large machete. "Or, as you said, cut his hands off..."
"Uh...no, that's okay," Zoe replied, backing away slightly.
Michael's nickname was 'Homicidy', as he was constantly threatening to kill those who annoyed Zoe. He also attempted to cut people if they were even too close to her for his liking. Besides the other six guys, no one was allowed to go near the blond girl, as he usually tried to kill them. He had dark brown hair, and green eyes.
"Besides, I don't think that you could kill anyone was that large butter knife," Daijiro speculated. "But you could butter a huge piece of toast with that! Let me touch the tip so that I can prove that it's not-OW! Hey, that's sharp! That's the sharpest butter knife on the planet! We should put it in a museum!"
Daijiro was the dumb one of the group, being called 'Dumbassy' by the others. Zoe had been a bit too nice to call him that at first, but he was so painstakingly stupid, that even she couldn't help but do it after awhile. The boy was constantly asking stupid questions, hurting himself due to idiocy, and getting lost in his own bedroom. He had light brown hair, hazel eyes, and a few freckles.
"No! Let me borrow that knife for something else!" Seiichi tried to swipe the blade. "I need it to get rid of the pain!"
Seiichi was the manic-depressive of the fanboys, always trying to hurt himself. He was dubbed as 'Suicidy', due to the fact that he attempted to kill himself at least once a day. Yet something always stood in his way whenever he tried, and he failed each time. He constantly threatened to kill himself if Zoe did not marry him, making the poor girl a bit nervous. The tallest one of the group, he had black hair, pale skin, and gray eyes.
Adam burst out in laughter. "Get rid of the pain? Well, speaking of things to get rid of, I finally got rid of my crabs! Sure, I had to shave my crotch and use a special ointment, but it did the trick!"
Everyone backed away slightly, weirded out by the information. Adam's nickname was 'Diseasy', as he...well, had several diseases. STDs to be more precise. He had been known to have a varity of STDs including Herpes, Syphilis, and Gonorrhea. However, it was his own fault for screwing prostitutes unprotected. He had auburn hair, and light green eyes.
"What did I get myself into?" Zoe mumbled to herself as she shook her head. "But anyway...would you guys like me to make some pie?"
"Pie!" they all yelled unanimously. "We love pie! Why? Because people who live in the forest love pie!"
The blond nodded slowly. "Riiight...but, what flavor would you guys like me to make?"
"Bacon and cheese!"
"Staple and nails!"
Zoe stood there silent for a few minutes, completely freaked out by some of the requested flavors. "Umm...how about I make apple?"
"That works, too!" the fanboys shouted, holding up 'We Love Zoe!' signs. "By the way, we love you! Marry us!"
"Well, looks like I better go pick some apples!" she said hurriedly as she grabbed a basket. "Try not to burn the hut down!"
Just then, Homicidy looked at Dumbassy. "Hey! Don't touch that lighter!"
"Minez!" Suicidy grabbed the lighter and ran off. "I shall burn myself!"
"Hey, Perverty! Quit having sex with the sugar shaker!" Crazy yelled out. "The sugar shaker is my friend, so stop violating him! He doesn't appreciate it!"
Creepy wandered over to Zoe, a maniacal smile on his face. "Would you like for me to join you?"
"I'll help, too! I'm good at picking apples!" Diseasy said as he reached down his pants to scratch himself.
"No! I'm fine! Goodbye!" Zoe barrel-assed it out of the hut, running throught forest as fast as she could. "God, I knew they were psycho but jeez! This is getting insane..."
After a few minutes of running, she finally came up to a large apple tree full of ripe, shiny apples. As she began to pick the fruit, a scary-looking old man was lurking in the shadows from a nearby hill. He had scraggily white hair, a huge nose, and a black hooded cloak. The man, of course, was her stepmother/father/whatever the hell you wanna call him, Kouichi. He had tracked the girl down and disguised himself as a haggard old hermit. He went to approach her, only to trip over his cloak.
"Waahh!" he cried out, rolling down the hill near Zoe. "Stupid cloak!"
Startled, Zoe looked at the fallen man as he crashed right into the tree. "Whoa! Are you okay, sir?"
"Just...fucking...peachy..." Kouichi heaved himself up, then dusted his clothes off. "I better not have ripped this damn cloak...it cost me good money!"
"Well, as long as you're okay..." Zoe resumed her apple-picking.
Kouichi cleared his throat, snorting loudly in the process. "So, I see that you're picking apples."
"Yeah, I'm going to make an apple pie," the girl told him. "Well...I'll most likely end up making more than one pie at the rate those guys eat... They're like goddamn garbage disposals..."
"Well, I have a special apple if you'd like to try it," he offered, magically pulling it out of his right sleeve. "I'll bet that it tastes better than all of those apples combined!"
Zoe took the piece of fruit, then raised an eyebrow incredulously. "Why the hell does it look like there's a picture of a skull on it?"
"Let me see!" Kouichi snatched it away, then inspected it. "No...I'd say that it looks more like Hitler rather than a skull."
"Hitler? How on earth do you see Hitler on that thing?" she inquired.
Kouichi tilted it for her to see. "See the little square mustache? Looks like Hitler's!"
The blond shrugged. "If you say so..."
"Let me just wipe it up," the old man mumbled, rubbing his sleeve against it. "Here! Now take a bite!"
"No, thanks. I'm all set," she replied.
Kouichi groaned. "Come on, just one bite."
"One tiny bite."
"Oh, just take one fucking bite, bitch!"
Zoe rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. Jeez... Let me see it."
Kouichi watched eagerly as she brought the apple to her mouth, taking a bite from it. Zoe made a disgusted face, but swallowed the fruit nonetheless.
"Ugh, I don't think it was ripe yet," she murmured, handing it back to him. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more apple-picking to-"
Before she could finish the sentence, she collapsed to the ground with a thud. Kouichi began to laugh maniacally, reverting back to his real form as he did so.
"I did it! I did it! I killed Snow White aka Zoe! Yeeessss!" He began to skip merrily through the woods, gazing down at the apple in his hand. "I finally killed- Hey, wait a minute! What the hell is this?"
On the apple, it looked as through a tiny message had been scribbled on it. Squinting his eyes, he began to read it aloud.
"Okay, le'ts see... 'Warning; this apple will kill a person due to its high poison content. The victim will collapse within five to ten seconds after taking the bite. However, if a random person comes along and falls in love with the victim, the curse will be lifted and the victim can be revived with a kiss.' Hey, what the fuck! My stupid magical spell book didn't say anything about this! Dammit!"
As he mumbled angrily to himself, he didn't notice a nearby cliff off to the side. He bitched to himself for several seconds, unaware as he drew closer to the edge.
"Well...it's not like anyone's going to just come along and fall in love with her," he grumbled. "Shit like that never happens. The chance of that happening is less likely than if I were to fall off a stupid cliff- Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"
Kouichi fell off the cliff, plummeting into the rocky water down below. Normally, if a person had fallen, they would've been plastered to the rocks in a bloody mess. But Kouichi had landed on a piece of driftwood which was beginning to head towards a waterfall.
"Ah, goddammit!" he cried out as he tumbled down the waterfall, this time being smashed into the rocks below.
After a few hours, Zoe's fanboys wandered into the woods to find her dead body. They cried hysterically, most of them debating on whether or not they should commit suicide since their 'goddess' had been lost. In the end, only Suicidy tried to kill himself, but the rest of the fanboys tackled him and tied him up so that he couldn't do such a thing. He was dragged back home with a piece of rope, while Zoe was carried back by Homicidy and Crazy. Creepy and Perverty would've molested her if they carried her, while Dumbassy probably would've dropped her. Diseasy was not allowed to touch her for obvious reasons.
When they got back to their hut, they decided to build her a coffin with a glass shield on top to keep the weather off of her. As much as they worshipped Zoe, they were afraid of keeping her dead body in their house. Especially with the aspects of ghosts fresh in their minds. They also kept Zoe in her regular clothes, as they were afraid she'd haunt him if they undressed her. So she stayed in a low-cut blue summer dress and flats. For three days they wept and sobbed over her casket, leaving behind snot and trails of blood if they caught a glimpse at her cleavage.
On that third day, a young handsome man was trekking throught the forest with his best friend. The young man's name was Takuya, and his less-important friend was Kouji. Takuya had decided to venture through the forest to test out his new BB gun, hoping to shoot a bird or other small animals that he didn't care about.
"That's cruel to the animals, you know," Kouji said dryly.
"Eh, who cares?" Takuya scoffed. "There are plenty of birds, squirrels and sea lions in the world. It won't matter if I shoot a few."
Kouji raised an eyebrow at his idiotic friend. "First off, you won't be seeing any sea lions in a forest. Second off, sea lions are endangered so it would be a big deal if you tried to shoot them. And third of all, sea lions live in the fucking water, you idiot! Do you see any water around here?"
"Maybe they live in a nearby pond," the brunette speculated. "But either way, if I see one, I'm shooting it."
"Why me?" Kouji muttered to himself.
Takuya gave him a smack on the back. "Because you're lucky enough to have me as a friend! And you're emo, so that's kind of your downfall."
"Bastard," he grumbled, following Takuya through the woods.
A few minutes later, Takuya stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes widening and his mouth gaped open. Kouji crashed into him, not expecting him to stop so suddenly.
"Hey, what the hell?" the raven-haired teen bitched. "Why'd you stop like that?"
"That's why!" Takuya grabbed Kouji's arm, dragging him along as fast as he could. "Isn't that the greatest thing ever?"
Kouji was hit in the face by a low branch. "Ow! I can't see anything, dammit!"
However, seconds later they came to an abrupt stop, Kouji crashing head-first into a large boulder. Ignoring his friend's pained groans, Takuya wandered over the thing he had seen in the distance. Right in the middle of the forest was a casket with a glass covering over it. Inside was a gorgeous girl with blond hair. She was lying completely still, seemingly dead.
"Damn...she's hot," Takuya speculated. "Too bad she's dead..."
"Hey, who are you?" Homicidy demanded, coming out behind a tree with a cleaver.
The brunette eyed the cleaver suspiciously. "Uh...I'm Takuya...why do you have a cleaver?"
"Don't mind Homicidy. He's a bit of a psycho," Crazy told him as he and the other five guys emerged. "Just don't make him mad...by the way, am I twitching? AM I?"
"No, not at all," Takuya quickly replied. "The guy with his head stuck in a rock is my friend, Kouji. We were just passing by to shoot some sea lions with my new BB gun. But what's with the chick in the casket?"
Creepy stepped forward, flashing him a smile that made Takuya uncomfortable. "This is our goddess, Snow White."
"Snow White?" Takuya raised an eyebrow. "Who the fuck names their kid 'Snow White'?"
"Well, she calls herself 'Zoe'," Suicidy told them. "According to her, her parents were both drunk when they named her, so they gave her a stupid name. She calls herself 'Zoe', and and only answers to that name."
Takuya thought for a moment. "Makes sense."
"Snow is white!" Dumbassy said excitedly as he clapped his hands. "Unless it's yellow! And if it's yellow, it's not a good idea to eat it, 'cause it's not lemon flavored."
"Uh, great..." the brunette looked over to see that Kouji was finally getting up. "But...uh, what happened to her?"
"We don't know," Homicidy told him. "We just found her dead so we brought her back and put her in this casket."
"I see. So, what-" Takuya abruptly went quiet, his eyes narrowing. "Did someone just touch my butt?"
No one said anything, but Kouji seemed to be holding back his laughter. The chestnut-haired boy shrugged, figuring it to be all in his head.
"Anyway, as I was saying, what do you plan to-" He was cut off as he felt his ass being grabbed again. "Hey! Who's doing that?"
"Sorry," Perverty muttered, slinking away behind the other fanboys. "Guess I'm bi-sexual..."
While Kouji burst into laughter, Takuya turned a deep shade of red, before recomposing himself. "Okay, anyway...what are you going to do with Zoe's body? Just leave it here?"
"I dunno," the seven guys answered unanimously, each of them looking confused.
"Want to kiss her?" Creepy suddenly asked. "I bet that it would be cool to kiss a dead girl."
Kouji threw him a weirded-out look. "Okay, you're fucking crazy..."
"No, I'm Creepy," he replied, then gestured to one of the other guys. "That's Crazy."
"Hi!" Crazy said enthusiastically.
"I'm Perverty! The one who touched your buttocks!"
"And I'm Diseasy! I'm currently being treated for several STDs!"
Takuya backed away slightly, before looking back at Creepy. "So, you want me to kiss a dead girl?"
"Why not?" Creepy inquired. "She's only been dead for a few days. And she's not even rotting or anything. It's like there's some type of magic keeping her in good condition."
"She does look pretty hot, even if she is dead," Takuya murmured as he looked at Zoe through the glass. "Eh, why not? I'll give her a kiss."
Perverty grinned. "Yay! We get to see some action!"
"He's kissing her! Not screwing her, you fucking necrophile!" Homicidy snapped.
"I'm not a necrophile!" Perverty shot back. "I'm just...confused..."
With everyone's help, Takuya was able to get the glass covering off of the blond girl. He stared down at her, taking a not-so-subtle peek down the bodice of her dress to see her breasts. Leaning down, Takuya planted a soft kiss on Zoe's lips, surprised at how warm they were. Just as he pulled his head away, Zoe moaned quietly, her eyes slowly fluttering open.
"She's waking up!" the fanboys cried out. "It's a miracle!"
Zoe finally opened her emerald eyes for the first time in three days. Upon seeing Takuya's face close to hers, she she let out a surprised cry, causing the brunette to fall and crash onto the ground.
"Who the hell are you?" Zoe asked, completely shocked out as she sat up.
"I'm Takuya!" he said proudly, heaving himself off the ground. "I just kissed you and then you woke up. Weird, huh?"
The blond blinked in confusion. "Uh, yeah... How did I get here?"
"You died," Suicidy informed her. "We found you dead and brought you back here. You're lucky that you were dead for three days. I envy you."
"Well, now that I have awakened you, I say that we should hook up," Takuya said with a smile. "I mean, if I'm that good at kissing, just imagine how good I am in bed."
Zoe thought for a moment, unsure of what to do. "Well..."
"I'll also get you away from your crazy fanclub," Takuya offered.
At the same time, the fanboys all held up signs with pictures of Zoe on them. "We love you, Zoe!"
"I love watching you sleep," Creepy added, flashing her a grin. "And I've been watching you for the past three days..."
Zoe immediatly leapt into Takuya's arms bridal-style. "Get me the hell outta here!"
"Okay, let's go!" Takuya took off through the woods with her, leaving behind the mentally unstable fanboys.
"I don't believe this," Kouji muttered as he chased after his idiotic friend and his idiotic friend's new girlfriend. "Why me?"
And everyone lived happily ever after. Well, everyone except the fanboys, who now needed someone new to worship. They settled on the sea lion that lived in a nearby lake. Kouichi didn't live happily ever after either seeing how he fell down a waterfall and crashed into a shitload of rocks. But other than that, everyone else, which would include Takuya and Zoe, lived their lives happily ever after. Kouji didn't because he's emo.
Well, that was the first of many fairy tale one-shots I plan to write. Again, I don't know when the next one will be posted, but give me a week at the most.
Kouichi: Why did you make me the villain?
Me: I needed someone to play the part and you seemed capable of pulling it off. Well done ^_^
Kouichi: Why, thank you!
J.P.: But I wasn't in it!
Tommy: Neither was I!
Me: Don't worry, you'll all be in at least one story. Of course, all of them are going to be Takumi, so you guys can be some of the less-important filler characters. ^_^
The guys: Great...