Here is yet another entry in our beloved, butchered fairy tales. Enjoy!

Takuya: Hey! How come the chapter in that little bar says 'Jack and the Beanstalk' but the chapter on the page says 'Takuya and the Beanstalk'?

Me: Because 'Jack and the Beanstalk' is the actual name of the fairy tale, but I changed it to your name on the page since your name isn't 'Jack'. It's just how I wanted to do it.

Takuya: Oh... Well, can my name be 'Jack' in this story? You know, like Jack Sparrow? Or Jack Skellington?

Me: No, now shut up so that this cracked-out tale can begin.

Deranged Crack Tales

Chapter 11: Takuya and the Beanstalk

Once upon a time, there was a teenage boy who lived in the countryside with his mother. They had very little food or money and the mother avoided going into prostitution at all costs. The boy did what he could to scrounge up money for food, from doing chores for other people, to pickpocketing richer people. He also robbed the town bank on more than one occasion. And a 7-Eleven convenience store. Yup, he was a hard-working little bastard.

"Takuya, did you get any money today?"

The brunette turned around to see his mother standing the doorway with a grumpy look on her face.

"No, not yet," he replied. "But I plan on jumping someone for their wallet later on today."

His mother was none other than our favorite emo, Kouji.

"WHAAAAT?" Kouji gawked. "What do you mean that I'm the mother? I'm a freaking guy!"

Kouji seems to be forgetting that out of all the guys, he looks like a girl the most due to his pretty, shiny long hair.

"Fuck you! I am NOT being the mother! I refuse! I'll go on strike! I'll throw a temper tantrum and-"

Okay, shut up. Kouji will play the father, okay? Not the mother, which Takuya will be lacking in this fairy tale. But that's okay, most mothers in fairy tales are useless or evil anyway. Now let's get on with the story already.

"Good." The whiny emo looked at Takuya. "Okay, here's what I want you to do-"

"You want me to burn the barn down?" Takuya cut him off, holding up a blowtorch.

"What? Why would I have you do that?" Kouji demanded.

The brunette shrugged. "Insurance purposes? That way we can collect money for the damanges."

The raven-haired man thought for a moment, then shook his head. "Nah, we'll hold off on doing that for the time being. For now, I want you to go to the market and sell our cow."

"But I was gonna make burgers tonight!" Takuya complained. "I can't make burgers without the cow!"

"MOO?" The said-cow gazed into the window from outside, clearly freaked out.

"No burgers!" Kouji yelled. "Sorry, but your burgers suck! All you do is pile a shitload of different types of meat on them and they taste horrible!"

Takuya huffed. "Yeah, well, they're better than your nasty burgers! Who the hell puts squid on a burger?"

"My burgers are delicious!" his father shouted.

"No, mine are waaaaay better!"

Shut up! Both of you shut the hell up! God… Anyway, after the two morons shut up, Takuya decided to listen to his angsty parent by going to the market to sell the cow, whom was grateful not to be turned into disgusting burgers made by Takuya and Kouji.

"Make sure you don't mess this up!" Kouji had yelled at him. "If you do, then change your name and move to another country!"

So Takuya told himself not to screw up, since he didn't have the money to move to another country. After dragging the lazy cow to the center of town, he began to lead it to the nearest market.

"Come on, you stupid thing," he muttered, tugging on the damn cow by the rope tied around it.

The stupid animal continued its leisurely pace, ignoring Takuya's angry comments as it stopped to chew on the grass.

"Ah, come on!" Takuya tugged on its rope, almost falling over as he did so. "I hate cows!"

Just then, a man who looked just like Takuya's mother-

"Father!" Kouji yelled from his house.

…Father. Okay. Anyway, a man who looked just Takuya's father, only with shorter hair, stepped out of nowhere.

"Hi, there!" he said enthusiastically. "Would you be interested in a special deal I'm having today?"

Exhausted from his cow-tugging, Takuya let out a tired sigh. "What deal are you talking about?"

"Only the greatest deal ever!" the man told him. "By the way, my name is Kouichi. Put 'em there!"

He grabbed Takuya's hand, shaking it wildly to the point where he nearly ripped Takuya's arm from his socket.

"Ow, dammit!" Takuya yanked his hand away, rotating his shoulder a moment later.

"So, are you interested in my offer?" Kouichi asked, overly-caffeinated. "Huh, huh, HUH?"

"I don't even know what your offer is!" Takuya nearly shouted. "You never told me what it was."

The raven-haired man chuckled sheepishly. "Oh, my bad. Anyway, here is my special offer!"

With that, he held out a small cloth bag, secured shut with a piece of rope that had been spraypainted gold.

Takuya eyed the bag strangely. "What's in it?"

"Beans!" Kouichi announced proudly, as if it were the most amazing thing ever.

The brunette sweat-dropped. "Uh, no thanks. I'll pass."

"Wait a minute!" Kouichi untied the bag and dumped the contents into his hand. "These aren't just ordinary beans, you know!"

Takuya looked at the beans, unimpressed. "Well, what kind of beans are they?"

"Magic!" the salesman said, waving his arms around in a mystical manner. "They're magic beans!"

The rather idiotic boy immediately perked up. "Magic, huh? What kind of magic? Will they give me superpowers?"

"Even better!" Kouichi shouted, now almost deafening his customer by now. "They will bring you great fortune! Just plant them and before you know it, you'll be bestowed with…um…good things!"

Takuya grinned. "I'm sold! How much are they?"

"All I want is that cow you have. Of course, if you can't afford to give it to me, then-"

Yet before he could finish, Takuya had practically thrown the large moo-ing animal on top of him.

"Take the damn thing," he almost begged. "Please! Just take the freaking cow!"

Kouichi blinked in confusion as Takuya barrel-assed down the street with the bag of beans, disappearing from sight.

The hyper salesman looked at the cow, a wide grin spreading on his face.

"I'ma having me some burgers for dinner tonight!" he happily exclaimed.

The cow's eyes widened. "MOO?"

A little later

"You did WHAAAT?" Kouji stared at his son, his mouth hanging open.

"Yup, I traded the cow for these beans," Takuya replied, holding up the bag. "And look, the bag comes with a cool gold rope!"

Kouji began to twitch. "Why did our cow...for some fucking beans? I told you to sell the cow so that we could buy some food! Now are we going to do, you dumbass?"

He smacked the brunette over the head with a broom, fuming at the boy's stupidity. Takuya scrambled away from the out-of-control emo, hiding underneath a table for cover.

"That hurt, you know!" he complained as he nursed the lump forming on his head.

"In a minute, you'll be in a world full of pain!" Kouji snarled, then grabbed the beans. "I'm throwing these damn things away! Even if there were enough of these for us to eat, they're too damn hard to chew! And when I'm done with you, you'll need a straw to eat your meals!"

With that, he tossed the beans out the window, keeping the bag in his possession. It would serve as a lovely place to hold his most treasured items, including his vintage razor blade.

"Now go to your room!" Kouji shouted, threatening his son with the broomstick again. "Stupid!"

Takuya muttered a few obsceneties under his breath, sulking into his bedroom. He was grounded for the rest of the night, only allowed to come out of his room to use the bathroom.

"I don't think so!" Kouji handed Takuya an empty soda bottle. "There! Do your business in there!"

"But what if I have to-"

"Not my concern," the angst-ridden man rudely interrupted, then slammed the door shut.

Takuya scoffed. "Bastard..."

For the next two hours, he did whatever he could to entertain himself. He made shadow puppets, sock puppets, and glued googly eyes to practically everything in his room.

"Haha! So this is what I look like with googly eyes!" Takuya looked at a picture of himself, having glued plastic eyes over is own. "I look like Cookie Monster! But if I were Cookie Monster, then I'd have some cookies with me... Ugh, I'm so hungry... I should've just sold that cow instead of trading it for beans."

"Damn straight!" Kouji yelled from outside his bedroom.

Takuya glowered at the door. "Stop eavesdropping! Don't you have anything better to do than to stand outside my room with a cup against the door?"

"...No," his father finally admitted. "But I'm supposed to spy on you! It's my job!"

The brunette snorted. "Well, let's see. I don't have any video games, hentai comics, anime porn, internet porn, or girls in this room. You sold all my shit so that we could buy food! Why couldn't we have sold any of your stuff? I'm sure that your stupid vintage razor blade is worth a good amount."

"We are not selling Bessie!" Kouji yelled.

"But I already traded Bessie," Takuya replied, confused.

"Bessie is my razor blade, not the cow, you dolt!"

Takuya scratched his head. "Oh. Who the hell names a razor blade?"

"I do! Now go to bed or something! Maybe if we're lucky, the sky will rain food so that we can eat, seeing how my son is too incompetent to come up with any money to by some," Kouji snapped.

"I'll get money if you let me sell Bessie," Takuya joked.

"I'll cut you if you do that! Now go to bed!" With that, Kouji stormed away, taking his cup with him.

Takuya rolled his eyes, but decided to head to bed nonetheless. There was nothing else for him to do, and maybe Kouji was right. Maybe the sky would rain food so that they could eat.

"I hope so," Takuya mused as he stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed. "I'm on the verge of eating my pillow. I'm sure it'll taste good if I dip it in chocolate syrup. It'll be like a chocolate-covered marshmallow!"

He soon fell asleep, idly chewing on his pillow during his slumber as he dreamt of marshmallows. However, a few hours later, it began to sprinkle outside. The beans, which had been tossed out by the razor-wielding nutcase known as Kouji, began to react with the water. Well, actually, out of the ten beans, nine turned into pathetic little plants that would've been fit for a styrofoam cup. Yet the tenth one sprouted into a giant beanstalk, reaching hundreds of feet in lenght as it continued to grow at a freakish rate.

While it grew, the ground rumbled and Takuya was awakened by it. His father was too deep in a pill-induced stupor to notice and continued to sleep, his headphones in his ears as he listened to his tape 'Raising Idiotic Children for Emo Parents'.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Takuya wandered over to the window, tripping over a stool in the process. "Ah, dammit!"

He crashed into the wall, then heaved himself up with a groan. Shaking the little birdies out of his head, he gazed outside the window, nearly shitting himself when he saw what was out there.


Takuya stared at the huge beanstalk, his mouth gaped open as he looked at its staggering length. He quickly snapped out of his daze and hurriedly got dressed, hopping outside as he tugged his shoe on. He had decided to put on his Call of Duty 4 cosplay costume to feel important. Do they even make Call of Duty 4 cosplay costumes yet?

"I got mine from eBay!" Takuya said excitedly.

Anyway, moving on... The idiot decided to pay attention to the giant beanstalk again.

"Damn! A giant beanstalk!" he exclaimed. "How the hell did it get here?"

Just ignore the fact that the beanstalk wasn't there before Kouji had tossed the beans out the window. And then it had rained, which usually causes plants to grow. Let's not put two and two together at this point. Please note the sarcasm...

"Eh, who cares how it got here. I'm gonna see what's up there!" Takuya began to climb up the beanstalk, scampering up as if he were part spider.

"I'm part spider?" Takuya grinned like a moron. "Then that means I can shoot that crap from my wrists to swing up there, right?"

...Right...Give it a try.

After an obvious fail since Takuya is not Spiderman and prying himself out of a fence, the brunette gave up on that idea and just climbed up the old fashioned way. He went up and up and up, going up past the clouds. However, it seemed that the beanstalk led to other dimensions along the way, for Takuya stumbled across a few strange places during his climb.

"Where the hell am I?" he wondered as he stopped momentarily.

The brunette seemed to be in another world, for he didn't recognize the rainforest he was in. Yet as he waited there, still hanging from the beanstalk, he saw two people approaching. Well, one was a chubby seven year-old Spanish girl and the other was a monkey wearing a pair of boots.

"I KNOW! LET'S CHECK THE MAP!" the girl yelled at the top of her lungs. "HE KNOWS WHERE TO GO! HE'LL TELL US THE QUICKEST WAY TO MY HOUSE!"

The monkey rolled his eyes. "Maybe if you knew where your damn house was, we wouldn't need to look at the map..."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" the girl demanded, causing Takuya and the monkey to cover their ears.

"Stop yelling!" the monkey exclaimed. "I'm gonna hit you with my boot if you don't shut up!"

The girl backhanded him, then quickly turned her back to the 'viewers'. "OKAY, WE HAVE TO SAY 'MAP'! SAY 'MAP'! LOUDER! MAS FUERTE! MAP!"

As Takuya watched, dumbfounded, a map flew out of the girl's backpack. "I'm the map! I'm the map! I'M THE MAP!"

"Is that a talking joint?" the idiotic boy wondered.

"I'M THE MAP!" the map repeated again.

Takuya shook his head, and climbed up the beanstalk as fast as he could, trying to escape the stupidity in front of him. Yes, even Takuya has standards. After passing by another strange dimension consisting of muppets that were under the leadership of a tyrant known as Elmo, Takuya finally reached the top of the beanstalk. The top ended in a huge cloud, which was holding up a massive house.

"Wow! This house is big enough for a giant!" Takuya exclaimed as he jumped off the beanstalk and wandered over to it.

He was too small to open the gigantic door, so he entered through the doggie door instead. From what he could see, there was no one home. Like the house, the furnishings were fit for a giant, and he had entered through the kitchen.

"Hey, if the house is this big, then there must be food that's big, too! Then I can steal some and bring it home with me!" Takuya speculated, finally coming up with a remotely intelligent idea.

He climbed up onto one of the chairs, hoping to find some food on the kitchen table. However, upon reaching the tabletop, he discovered two cages. One cage contained a goose with a bored expression on his face as he paced around. Beside the goose, there was a golden egg.

In the second cage, there was a girl who looked to be around Takuya's age. She had long blond hair and green eyes, and she was sleeping in a curled up form.

"Hey!" Takuya shouted, jolting the girl awake and scaring the hell out of the goose.

"Ah, dammit! Don't do that!" the goose snapped.

The girl angrily nodded in agreement. "You almost gave us a heart attack."

"D-Did that goose just talk?" Takuya gawked at the bird.

"Yes, I did," the goose replied smartly. "Name's Tommy. That girl right there is Zoe. We've both been stuck here for about a week now."

Getting over the fact that there was a talking animal, Takuya scratched his head in confusion. "Who locked you guys up?"

"The giant," Zoe said with a sigh. "He kidnapped me and locked me in this stupid cage. Tommy was brought here the day before me."

"He thinks that I lay golden eggs," Tommy said with a laugh. "What a moron..."

Takuya raised an eyebrow. "But isn't that a golden egg right next to you?"

The goose held up a paintbrush with gold-colored paint on it. "It's a gold-painted egg. I can't lay eggs either, but my female goose friend has been smuggling them to me while the giant's not around."

"But if you're a male goose, then you shouldn't be able to lay eggs anyway, right?" Takuya questioned. "Why don't you just tell him that you're a male goose who can't lay eggs?"

"Because he'll kill me," Tommy replied. "And I'm not going to tell him anything. If I speak, he'll use me to make money. And if I don't talk while he tries to expose me, he'll kill me. It's a lose-lose situation."

Zoe pulled at the bars. "I don't know why he's keeping me around. I have no use for him."

"Maybe he just wants something beautiful to look at," Takuya said bluntly, eyeing her up and down.

The girl blushed, tearing her gaze away. "Yeah, but what does he expect to do with me? Keep me as a servant or something? It'll take me the rest of my life just to clean this damn table! Everything else is too big for me to hold, so I can't cook for him either."

"Maybe he wants to have sex with you," Takuya suggested.

Zoe's eyes widened and her heart practically stopped at the mere thought of it. "That's not possible, you idiot!"

"Yeah, his package is bigger than Zoe's whole body," Tommy added. "That would be like trying to get an elephant to mate with a rabbit. It's not going to work."

"Can you get us out of here?" the blond asked Takuya. "We're going insane in here. And judging by your attire, you look like you could be somewhat useful."

"Sure, I'll help you guys. Is there a key somewhere or anything?" he asked.

Zoe cursed. "Dammit! There is a key, but the giant has it. And even if he didn't, it would still be too big for you to even lift! Ah, we're screwed."

Tommy sighed and nodded. "Hey, are there any white spots on this golden egg? I don't want it to look like a fake."

"But it is a fake," Takuya pointed out.

"Exactly!" Tommy ran the brush over it a few more times. "And as soon as that bastard gets back, he'll be greeted by this egg."

As if on cue, the ground, or table we should say, began to shake. Hell, the entire house began to shake as the giant leisurely made his way towards it.

"Hide!" Zoe told Takuya. "Quick! I'll try to trick him into letting us out and then the three of us can make a run for it! Just go hide somewhere!"

Takuya nodded and went to look around for a good hiding spot. He finally settled in the napkin holder, hiding amongst the colorful napkins. A moment later, the door swung open and the giant entered. In case nobody guessed already, the giant's name is J.P.

"Fuck, why am I always portrayed as the big or fat one? WHY? Make Takuya be the towering monster!" he complained.

"Honk honk!" Tommy flapped his wings. "HONK!"

"Oh, shut up, you stupid goose!" J.P. stalked over to the table. "Did you lay me any golden eggs?"

"Honk!" The goose waddled around, moving away from the egg.

With a grin, J.P. quickly unlocked the cage and reached his fingers inside of it to grab hold of the golden object. He flicked Tommy as he tried to fly out, plastering the poor bird into one of the metal bars.

"Hm, this is a good one!" he mused to himself, inspecting the egg.

However, the paint had not completely dried and some of it came off onto his hands. Puzzled, J.P. wiped at the egg, discovering that it was only a regular white egg that had been painted.

Tommy felt his heart sink as J.P. saw through his ruse. "Honk..."

"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded, glaring at the goose. "Where are my golden eggs?"

"Honk honk!" Tommy panicked a bit, not wanting to be cooked for dinner.

"Where are they?" J.P. the giant bellowed. "Tell me! Or I'll pull an Ozzy Osbourne! You know, like the time he bit that bat's head off. Only I'll be biting off a goose's head!"

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Oh, leave the goose alone already. The last time I checked, geese, or any type of bird for that matter, don't lay golden eggs. So stop being an idiot."

Furious, J.P. ripped her cage open and grabbed her in his fist. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

The blond paled. "Oh, shit..."

"Don't worry, I'll come to your rescue!" Takuya yelled, jumping from out of the napkin holder.

However, he accidentally tripped over the stack of napkins and face-planted on the huge table. J.P., Zoe, and Tommy all sweatdropped from his clumsiness.

"Ugh, the only person who actually comes along to help us turns out to be a half-wit," Tommy muttered.

"Yeah, no shit." J.P.'s eyes widened and he looked at the goose in a crazy manner. "Hey, you just talked!"

Zoe facepalmed, shaking her head. "Oh, give me a break..."

"No, I didn't!" Tommy shot back to the giant, only to be grabbed by the behemoth's other hand. "Really! I can't talk!"

"You're talking now!" J.P. pointed out.

"Honk honk!" Tommy began to honk, hoping that the giant was even dumber than Takuya.

Yet there was no possibility of anyone being stupider than the brunette, so although dumb, J.P wasn't a big enough moron to fall for that.

"I'm going to make lots of money on you, birdie!" he exclaimed, shaking the poor goose.

"Well, if that's how it's gonna be, then let me get a few things off my chest." Tommy took a deep breath, then began to rant. "You're unattractive, you have bad breath, no reading skills, no common sense, no clue on anything that goes around you, and you have a big smear of pie on your face. Oh, and it's sad that the only girl you can get it Zoe over there, who is too small to do anything for you to begin with."

J.P. glowered at him, then squeezed both the goose and the girl. "OH, REALLY? THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU BOTH!"

"Hey, don't look at me!" Zoe cried out. "I didn't insult you!"

"Then does that mean you'll marry me?" the giant asked hopefully in a creepy manner.

Zoe shook her head. "Hell no! How the hell would we manage that? You're over a thousand times bigger than me!"

"I'd say a million," Tommy quipped.

"I'd say a billion!" Takuya yelled.

During Tommy's rant of insults towards the giant, Takuya had recovered from his embarrassing face-plant and had located a nearby fork. J.P. always kept a full place setting at the table, for he was always hungry and was out the table over half the time. Using the fork, Takuya ran at the giant, who was slow to react and simply stood there with a dim-witted expression in his face.

A moment later, Takuya stabbed J.P. in the stomach with the metal object, causing him to release Zoe and Tommy. The blow hadn't hurt him, as his several layers of fat had absorbed most of the blow. But he had dropped them because he saw a spider on the ceiling and was an arachnaphobic.

"Ah, get it away from me!" he cried like a little girl, cowering in the corner. "Mommy! Daddy! Get rid of the spider!"

Takuya caught Zoe as she fell, while Tommy simply flew, as geese have the ability to fly. Taking their chance, they decided to escape from the house. Luckily, J.P. was a Star Wars fanatic and kept little models of the aircrafts that were used in the films. The three of them hopped inside one of the toys, which actually worked like a real one shown in the movie.

Forgetting about the spider, J.P. jumped up to stop them. "Hey, get back-!"

However, he was even clumsier than Takuya and fell over himself. Takuya decided to shoot him with the missiles or whatever to fend the giant off, yet they had no effect on him.

"Just get us out of here!" Zoe yelled, watching as J.P. stood back up.

"Yeah, let's go!" Tommy added. "Honk!"

Takuya muttered a few obsceneties under his breath, but steered the aircraft away nonetheless. He flew them out of the doggy door, hearing the giant right behind them.

"Go faster, Takuya" Zoe looked out the window fearfully. "He's catching up!"

"Hang on!" He made the aircraft go even faster, causing it to spin out of control. "Shit! Too fast! Too fast!"

"You idiot!" Zoe clung onto him for dear life. "If we crash, I'm going to kill you!"

Takuya smirked. "If we don't die from the crash, that is."

Tommy sighed. "Either drive this thing the right way or let me do it. I might have wings, but I bet I can fly this damn thing better than you."

"Nah, I got it." Takuya headed towards the beanstalk, the giant hot on their trail.

They sped down through the clouds, entering through the other dimensions. J.P. slid down the beanstalk like a fireman's pole.

"Get back here!" he bellowed after them. "You're seriously pissing me off!"

While they entered the dimension full of muppets, they saw the tyrant known as Elmo standing on a podium. He was wearing a suit and appeared to have a Hitler 'stache'.

"Elmo wants to color! Bring Elmo crayons!" the little red bastard yelled at the cowering muppets.

However, Takuya flew right over him, causing his head to be cut off. Elmo's body crumpled to the floor in a pool of blood, dead. Just as he deserved to be.

Cookie Monster wandered over and stole the cookie that had been in his pocket. "Om nom nom!"

Elmo's body was then hacked into pieces and cremated, finally ridding Sesame Street of his annoying-ness.

"Hell yeah!" Takuya grinned. "I've always hated Elmo. Now Cookie Monster can take over!"

J.P. continued to slide down the beanstalk and soon all of them entered the dimension with the fat Spanish kid and her talking monkey.

"CAN YOU SEE WHERE THE LAKE IS?" she shouted the 'viewers', being too damn lazy to turn around and look herself. "YOU DO? WHERE IS IT?"

"It's right behind us, you stupid bitch!" the monkey exclaimed.


"Why would any sane parent let their kid go to a lake infested with crocodiles?" Zoe wondered, her eye twitching slightly.

Takuya chuckled. "Normally they wouldn't, but this girl is so stupid that her parents want her to get eaten by crocodiles."

As the girl jumped over the crocodiles' heads, Takuya flew over them and startled the reptiles. They then went crazy and mauled the stupid brat, while the monkey watched gleefully.

"I'm free! I'm free!" He jumped around, only to fall into the crocodile-filled lake a moment later. "Oh, fuck..."

Takuya got through that dimension, finally arriving back in his own world. He steered the Star Wars aircraft down, the giant right behind them. However, J.P. lost his grip on the beanstalk and hurtled down towards the ground, landing right next to Takuya's house.

Kouji ran out of the house a moment later, a seaweed mask on his face and his long hair in curlers. "Holy shit! There's a giant on my lawn! Takuya! What's the meaning of this?"

The brunette landed the aircraft and climbed out of it, followed by the other two. Upon looking at Kouji, all three of them burst out laughing.

"Is that your mom?" Tommy asked Takuya.

Kouji huffed. "I'm his father!"

"Could've fooled me," Zoe said with a laugh.

"I'll cut you with Bessie!" Kouji threatened.

Takuya scratched his head. "But I already got rid of the cow."

"My razor blade, not the cow!" his father exclaimed angrily.

Moving on, J.P. did not survive the fall-

"WHAT? I DIED?" J.P. gaped in disbelief.

Shut up! Yes, you died! Now be quiet! Anyway, the loud-mouthed giant died from the impact, causing an earthquake in the process. The force not only caused Takuya and Kouji's house and barn to collapse, but scared Tommy enough to make him lay an egg. A golden egg to be exact!

"I don't wanna talk about it..." Tommy waddled away. "I'm having an identity crisis here..."

But since Tommy could now lay golden eggs, despite being male, Takuya now had a way to get up some money. So not only could he buy another house by selling the eggs, but he could also buy food to go along with it! For extra cash, they decided to sell J.P.'s organs to the Black Market.

"The Black Market? My organs are too big!" J.P. gawked at the thought.

You're supposed to be dead, so pipe down! Anyway, he wasn't the only giant out there, so his organs could be used for other giants in need. And then his body fat, I mean meat, was packaged and sold at the price of ground beef.

"You suck..." J.P. mumbled.

Tommy eventually got over his identity crisis, and accepted the fact that he could lay eggs. He got rich off of it anyway, so he accepted it before long and became the family pet. Zoe decided to stay with Takuya since he now owned a nice house and she had nothing better to do. Also this story wouldn't be Takumi if they hadn't ended up together. So on that note, they share a bedroom and bathroom!

"Do we have sex in the bed or in the shower?" Takuya asked.


"Alright!" he said with a grin while Zoe rolled her eyes.

And Kouji continued to be mistaken for Takuya's mother instead of his father.

"Hey! Those masks help my face from drying out!" he yelled in defense. "And those curlers shut up!"

Kouichi ended up making burgers out of the cow, only to remember that he was a vegetarian. So yes, the cow died for nothing!

"MOO?" The cow stared at the authoress wide-eyed.

What the hell? Everyone who's supposed to be dead keeps coming back! J.P. is dead and so is the cow, so no more appearances by them!

J.P. and the cow looked at each other. "MOO?"

Dammit! The end! And stop following me!

And that is the end of this deranged crack tale. How did you like it? Or how did you hate it? Whatever. Review or flame and have a nice day. ^_^