Nana's New Life

How the Lot Bloomed

By the Goddamn Duck

(Author's Note: This was first published on 4chan's Traditional Games board, /tg/. The thread which it originally came from is archived on SupTG; while linking appears to be disallowed, a quick search will bring it up. This story is a crossover of Team Fortress 2 - arguably the best FPS of all time - and Nana's Everyday Life - definitively the most depressing web manga of all time. The result is - to me, at least - rather interesting. I hope you enjoy it.)


They couldn't even go through a night out without being attacked. The German sighed, picking up his heels. His Russian friend was without his weapons tonight - except for his fists, of course - but the Medic? He was not so unprepared. His medigun was folded in his briefcase, along with his syringe gun - yes, the gentleman looked a bit odd carrying a briefcase around with him to a bar, but better to be prepared.

And yet, he was completely unprepared for what he saw.

The six-and-a-half foot mountain of a man was kneeling in a dirty lot off of an alleyway, clutching a tiny figure. A mop of pink hair sprouted from her head, along with what looked like two horns. She had lost an eye, and her other wounds were badly bandaged; the girl was an amputee, no limbs remaining. She was wrapped in a filthy blanket, completely unresponsive in the huge man's arms. He stared, gawking. There was nothing else in the alleyway... just a few bits of trash, and what looked like a hastily dug grave for a pet. A bit of fur poked out from the pile of dirt.

"Mein Gott."

"She... she is dying... please, doctor!" He thrust out the girl, his face frantic - desperate. The Medic bit his lip - the girl's skin was bluish, her breathing shallow... his friend's diagnosis was right. She was barely hanging on to life. He didn't know how extensive her wounds were, but...

"Hold her out." He flipped open the case, tugging out his medigun, and started to fiddle with the various dials on the back - turning them all to MAXIMUM.

"I haff been zapped by the heal-gun before-"

"Not like zis. Even if zis works, I cannot predict ze side effects." He nodded, and the man held her, almost reluctantly, at arms length.

The blast of energies was visible from the street. Police showed up twenty minutes later, looking for someone playing with illegal fireworks.

The intercom buzzed, and with a grunt, he reached over, thwacking the panel.


"GET YOUR BLOODY ARSE OUT OF BED! WE GOT AN EMERGENCY OUT HERE!" The Engineer grumbled, slowly slogging to his feet. Midnight. The ceasefire was 7 hours ago... BLU wouldn't do anything this late. Idiots that they were, they respected the rules. He tugged on his goggles, yawning as he flipped the lights on, heading to the central room, pistol in hand. He expected a warzone. What he got was an operating room.

The Demo and Soldier were hunched over, staring at the operating table that had been wheeled out. The Heavy wasn't there - probably in the bathroom, from the sounds of the retching - and the Scout... he was a wreck. Had his rosary out for maybe the third time since they'd been there, and was mumbling Hail Mary's in the corner.

"Doc?" He mumbed, as he finally caught sight of the patient. A child. The doctor had rigged up a medigun to give a constant stream onto her, a sort of makeshift life support - and he was on his third one, judging by the two burnt out husks in the corner.

"She's fading." He said, a cold statement, determination etched into his face beneath the paper mask. "Liver is failing, heart on the way out. I need help."

"What... but..."


"Iron lung?"

"Anything!" A pause, and he nodded. He was a fixer. He fixed problems... made right things that were wrong.

He could do this.

The mediguns were cannibalized, along with two dispensers and the delicate spring relays from one of the spare grenade launchers. Casings were thrown together, a pacemaker assembled - the liver was "installed" first, a new kidney, a bloated appendix cut out.

Night passed. Day came.

And she was still breathing.

The oxygen tent was in place, her tiny body cavity sewn up.

She was alive. Barely. But still alive. The demoman had fallen asleep around 3, but the rest of the team was awake. The Sniper had doffed his hat to the poor girl, but had remained passive - distant. For the moment, anyhow. The Spy had vented a bit of rage as to how anyone could do that to an innocent, but had lapsed into silence for fear that the girl would be awoken by his rant. And the Pyro... he just stared at her...

They were tired, bedraggled, and drained. Nine men who were accustomed to making jokes of blowing the living shit out of others... but how long had it been since they had a civilian casualty? They were up against a team that would be resurrected, the same as themselves - their war was a sport, a great bloodstained joke.

This was the first bit of mind-numbing reality that had shattered their comfortably separate existence.

Of course, it was then that the klaxon went off - the BLU team was attacking.

The power flickered as an explosion rocked the building - they were targeting the generator. The Engineer bit his lip.

"Sonnuvamother..." He mumbled. "She's still fragile... we can't risk a-"

"I'm on it!" There was the sound of two cans popping open, as the Scout slammed down each in turn. Fueled by the atomic energy drink, he hurled himself through the fortress, grabbing three items, and back out the door before the pre-recorded "PROTECT THE BRIEFCASE!" screamed over the loudspeakers.

He emerged, still in his pajamas, charging across the field towards the shocked BLU forces, dark bags under his eyes, devoid of his trademark cap. Every fiber of his being was etched with the words "don't fuck with me, because last night I have seen a tiny slice of hell." The BLU Sniper gawked, forcing himself to hold onto his enlarged bladder - he had fought against RED for two years now, but he had never seen anything this frightening.

Despite the fact that the Scout was unarmed.

The briefcase in one arm.

A stick with a white T-shirt tied to it in the other.

Dodging bullets... rockets... needles... he peeled to a stop in front of the BLU jeep, and slammed the intel into the hood, denting it. Shocked, his old enemies just stared as he opened it, swiveling it around and displaying it. Not a bomb. Not a trap. Just the intel.

"Take it. Get out of here. I don't want you back here for the next week, got it?"

"What?" There was a few moments of silence. The Scout's rush wore off, leaving him panting for air - he had only big-gulped two cans of Bonk once before, and there was a reason he never did.

"Look... just take it, aright? There... there's a kid in there!" A pause.

"We can just kill you and not the child, you know." The BLU Spy eyed him, amused.

"Yeah, well, we don't wanna take that chance, right? So get outta here. You wanna off me, you gotta free shot here. I'll be back in a minute, you know? She... she ain't gonna be back. She's hurt."

"You brought a civilian into a warzone? What kind of outfit are you people running over here?" The Soldier was almost laughing.

"The kind that just saved a freakin' kid's life, aright? Give us a break here..." He slumped. "Look... I'm done here. Get going. We're not fighting."

The bullet was expected, the young man's head dissolving into a geyser. The withdrawal made it worth while. The power continued to flicker for an hour, until the Engineer got it under control.

The day wore on in relative silence.

Her eyes fluttered. She was on a bed. Not the ground. There was something... music. Guitar. She hadn't heard music like that before. It was nice. Was she... where was she? Nana slowly sat up, groaning. She hurt all over, but it wasn't as bad as it usually was, and her legs-

She had legs.

The little girl's eyes popped open. Gasping, Tears came to her eyes as she stared down. They were like doll legs - she had something like skin, but her joints were reddish balls. She didn't really have toes... but... but she had...

"I HAVE ARMS!" She squeaked. Nana barely registered the sound of a chair scraping across the floor, but she did hear the low, hushed, almost stern voice that came after it.

"You're up."

"I have arms again!" She turned, waving her arms wildly, still crying. "Someone gave me arms!"

"Yep. They won't grow, but they'll do. You'll need new ones in a few years."

"You... you..." She lapsed into silence as the man approached her. He was tallish, and wore weird glasses, and was bald. As soon as he was close, she leaned forward, almost falling out of bed, latching onto him in a bearhug.

"Hey... it's alright, kid. You're going to be okay." He scruffed her hair, the faintest trace of a smile crossing his face. She sniffled and nodded, but didn't budge. A few seconds passed, and the embrace didn't loosen one bit.

"Eh... you can.. you can let go... I kinda gotta..."

"I haven't hugged anything in a while. Can I have a few more seconds?" He paused, failed to say a few things, and let himself relax a little bit.

"Baby is comfortable?"

"Yes!" She thrust a triumphant fist into the air.

"Hokay! Time to make sandvich!" With the girl on his shoulders, the Heavy started to assemble their lunch. He had taken to an almost fatherly role - or a big brother, perhaps. Maybe he felt that if he was with the girl, he could protect her better. It was hard to say. Engie liked her, obviously, insisting on making sure that she came by for regular checks on her new limbs until "the bugs were worked out". For the antisocial engineer, that meant something. The Scout and Soldier tended to treat her like a mascot, the Demoman like a pleasant nuisance, and the remaining members with pleasant indifference. The Medic just saw her as a job well done, it seemed. The Pyro... he just... didn't go near her. He was always a bit distant, and now, not even his stupid prankishness popped in.

Even the BLU assaults became a part of the everyday existence - new autosealing doors on the barracks meant that she could be safe during the raids, and while no one liked the other team, they trusted them not to assault a little girl directly. A month passed, and life moved on.

No one expected the visit.

The Administrator was there. Nana had heard her name from the others, and she knew she didn't like her very much. She yelled a lot - she was scary. There was a lot she didn't understand... then Tavish came in. She smiled hopefully, as the big, black guy motioned for her to be quiet.

"C'mon, lass. We're gettin' out of here." He whispered.

"What? Why-"

"Just fer a bit. Ye really don' need to be around for this. Besides... we're all moving out here after a while."

"Oh!" She nodded, as they snuck from her room. They had to sneak by the main room on the way out, but they could get out through the kitchen so they wouldn't be seen in the hallway. As they walked, she could hear them again.

"...VERY disappointed in this... this unauthorized FILCHING of company property! Did you really think that we wouldn't find the stolen diclonius?" She paused, taking a long breath. "We will be taking her back to the R&D complex at once."

"The R&D complex, eh?" The Engineer's voice. "So, the same complex where she was amputated, practically disemboweled, and-"

"The experiments performed were not finished when she was released." A chuckle. "Besides... her... Papa is waiting for her." Nana froze, staring up at the Demo. He motioned for her to keep quiet again, but moved a bit faster.

"Uh huh. And if we refuse?"

"Did you forget? You're an employee of RED. You belong to us... "

"As much as an independent contractor with a pay-by-engagement contract can belong to you." The Sniper's voice was tinged with disgust. "And frankly, I'm of the mind to take the early buy-out option, take my pension, and leave."

"You do realize that this... black spot on your record... will follow you for the rest of your life. Wherever you go. There's nowhere that RED's influence doesn't penetrate, you kno-"

"Save the threats, bitchcakes. There's a difference between working for a fuckin' global monopoly and workin' for... for... fuckin' Girl Hitler! Aright? The girl's stayin' here." The Scout's voice cracked mid-rant. There was the sudden sound of whirring, and a collected exclamation that cannot be summarized here from the team.

"Are you -quite- sure, gentlemen?" A moment later, the room erupted into gunfire. For two minutes, there was nothing but the sound of explosions... and then it was over.

"What... what was that?" Nana whimpered. The Demoman grinned.

"The best way to hand in yer resignation from a job, lass. Come on." The team was... alive. All of them. The Administrator hadn't been able to disable the Respawn Engine, thanks to the Engineer's tweaks. The two men - some sort of sentry-robots in the guise of men - were nothing more than smoking craters, and the Administrator herself was a gory smear on the floor.

"So... where now?" The words from the Medic cut the almost-triumphant mood at the knees.

Nana looked around frantically. The men were all serious. Calm, but serious.

"I... I didn't mean to be any trouble! You... I... I could have..."

"NO!" The Heavy's voice was firm. He stepped over the shrapnel, sweeping the girl up. "Good girls should not be put with bad men like that. We did what we had to do, baby. No tears."

"Hm. RED is everywhere... BLU won't want us..."

"Nowhere on earth to run from `em." The Scout kicked a fragment of skull across the floor.

"So... we don't run." The Engineer's jaw was set, his fists clenched. "We take the fight to `em. We make `em leave us alone, or we take `em down."

"Oh, shit! That simple, eh Captain Genius?"

"Whh sthh nd hh hdkttths!" The Pyro barked. "Nhhd h plhhs to rhhghhp!"

"Asbestos boy's gotta point. Come on. Let's get out of here..."

"Heh. Alone in the world, against impossible odds, fighting for a chunk of the American Dream... reminds me of when I stormed the Nazi death camps at Ferrichund." The Soldier rambled on as they walked to the motor pool.

Thirty minutes later, three vehicles rolled off, loaded with enough hardware to wage a small war, and a small girl that - for now - was actually safe, surrounded by people who cared about her.

Nana didn't have a happy ending. Not yet. But with men like this... she had a bit of hope.

And meanwhile, the rest of the world forgot... except for the alleyway, where barren soil sprouted a tiny eden from the rays of an overclocked medigun.

The world is run by two holding corporations - Rapid Excavation Demolition and Builders League United, RED and BLU. What problems between these companies that cannot be solved with bureaucracy is solved with violence. Nine mercenaries from the RED corporation, nine men with the destructive capacity of a small army, fended off the advances of BLU for years - until they discovered the atrocities that their company was responsible for.

Through a freak happenstance, the RED Team came across Nana, a biologically engineered girl who was a guinea pig for RED's R&D department. A quadruple amputee, organs harvested and left for dead, the boys of the RED Team fixed her. Put her back together. Gave her a home.

And when RED came to collect the girl... they quit. Forcibly.

Now, they're on the run, waging war against the company that was responsible for Nana's torture, and trying to give the girl some semblance of a life of her own.

This is their story.