Title. all that glitters
Summary. She's never been good for him, anyway.
a/n. I hate this, I do. Blah. It was so draining to write and I don't even know why.
This could very well be for/dedicated to invisiblemeatball and Xx'Hate'xYeahxRIGHTxX. I sort of borrowed the 'swinging in the rain' idea from invisiblemeatball, who is amazing for letting me use it, by the way. And Xx'hate'xyeahxrightxX, well, I don't think I could've finished this without her. She (sort of) pulled an all-nighter with me while I was writing, and she's amazing. (THROWS PAPER HEARTS AT THEM). :D
That is all.
( all that g l i t t e r s )
Time is passing, passing, passing and the clock is tick-tick-ticking away and the days are disappearing into black holes ( and f a l l i n g away like petals ).
And it's as if just yesterday there were giggly childlike secrets tickling the insides of her ear in the corner and eating as much raw cookie dough as her stomach would allow and getting drenched in warm summer rain and childhood in general because to children everything is sugar-coated and bright and pretty.
Suddenly just yesterday ( even though it's really not, of course but she sure wishes it was because then it wouldn't be SO far away ) is too far away for Sam Puckett.
When they're seven years old she steals his crayons.
Sam tells the class (and the classroom is hot and cramped and the scent of cheap glue and childhood is invading her senses) that her favorite color is green and the female half of the class giggles. And one member of the male half.
Later she confronts Freddie in the playground about it in a very calm and polite manner (well, as calm and polite a confrontation from a girl like her can be) as to why he laughed at her choice of color. And he's cowering and her hand is clenched into a fist and poised above him when he answers,
"I don't know."
But Sam really isn't that stupid so she shoves him lightly and plops down on the ground and starts picking at dry bits that interfere with the overall perfection of the grass.
"Really, Freddie. Tell me," and she cocks an eyebrow and yanks him down to her level by the wrist so roughly that he yelps.
He squints into the sunlight and takes a long, agitated breath before replying, "I dunno. 'Cause half the boys said they liked green."
Sam nearly loses it but she doesn't and instead she smirks and paints a deadpan over that smirk. She crosses her arms over her chest and turns the other way to hide her giggles.
"Dude. You said purple was your favorite color. I wouldn't be talking," and she laughs and laughs until she can't breathe but really underneath the surface she's a little hurt. But of course she can't let him know that because Sam Puckett doesn't get her pride bruised and especially not by Freddie Benson.
Later that day she comes up behind him while he's getting something from his Spiderman backpack, punches him on the arm and steals his crayons. And she laughs and runs outside onto the field and tosses them into the sky and for a split second it's like a rainbow of colors scattered in the clouds.
But her moment of overexcitement is short-lived and she suddenly feels a little guilty ( g u i l t? where is this coming from? ) so she gathers as many of the colorful waxy drawing utensils as she can, tossing back the ones that are already melting, provided by the sun's harsh rays.
Guilt is never the worst part though, because Freddie never ( e v e r ) apologizes for taking jabs at her choice of color.
A year later she changes her favorite color and even though she likes to think it's because she's grown out of green, her subconscious mind can't help but thing he has something to do with it.
When they're ten Freddie tells Sam he hates her for the first time.
They're at the beach and Spencer is wrestling with an umbrella and Sam's watching Carly and Freddie out of the corner of her eye, standing shin-deep in surprisingly cool saltwater and stick their arm into the waves blindly, pulling out seashells of all sorts before tossing them into the horizon.
And it bugs her a little ( why?) and what Sam does next she swears is just because Carly and Freddie look weird together there, squatting in the sand and laughing. In fact, the whole awkward vibe is radiating over to her and bugging her now and that is why she does it.
Dragging herself out of the water with her shorts soaking wet she noiselessly pads over to where the last bit of dry sand is before reaching her hand over, farther and farther over the water and pushes him over. And he lands face first into the waves with a splash and she laughs and Carly scolds and suddenly it's all perfect again.
Until those three words come off of his lips and Sam has to blink a few times to make sure he's actually said it.
"I hate you, you know that?" he hisses and runs a hand through his hair, drops of salty water flying off his fingertips and landing back into the ocean.
"I know," she murmurs and flicks an imaginary bug off of her arm.
She really doesn't.
When they're fourteen Sam realizes how much more fun playgrounds become when it's pouring rain.
And it's freaking cold and she's drenched from head to toe and today just happens to be the day she chose to wear shorts so it's a thousand times worse, or it would be if she were paying attention to the temperature's effects on her (which she isn't).
But the weirdest part is that Freddie's here with her and that's weird because he's never willingly with her unless Carly's around and even then it's not because he wants to. So it's a shock that the youngest Shay is nowhere to be found and now it's just Sam and Freddie and Freddie and Sam and the pouring rain.
One way or another she challenges him, flopping down on her stomach onto the black plastic surface of a swing, her legs suspended in the air. He joins her but of course he's Fredward Benson so he gets on the swing the correct way.
"No, Fredward!" she insists, "You have to do it like this!"
Chuckling lightly and hopping off only to collapse back onto the rough plastic with countless colorful names ( c o n n e c t e d with plus signs and HEARTS ) scrawled on it moments later.
"Carly's not stupid you know. She'll come looking for us," he comments suddenly and the silence that's hovering around them is broken as soon as it's formed.
But Sam only rolls her eyes and shakes her head and looks at him like he's insane (because he is really).
"Nah. She sent us to go pick up Spencer's rash cream…" a pause and stifled laughter, "at the pharmacy in the market. It's a market and there's ham in the market and she knows how Mama loves her ham, Fredward. God, you can be SO clueless sometimes."
Freddie only raises his eyebrows without looking at her but instead looks into the rain. But the corners of his mouth turn up and Sam can see it.
"I bet I can swing higher than you," she says abruptly but she's really demanding it and her signature smirk is plastered across her face and her eyebrows are raised in a taunting way so of course he has to comply.
And they both adjust themselves so they're both back on the swings the right way and Sam's going higher higher higher and it's such a weird feeling with cool rain smacking against her pale arms and she thinks that if she keeps swinging and swinging and swinging like this forever that she'll touch the sky.
"I WIN!" she declares randomly, throwing her hands in the air (because you know, she's always been r e c k l e s s) and her knuckles gradually go back to their original color from the bone white they've turned from gripping the chains too tightly. "Now…we jump," she demands eagerly, scooting forward till she's presented with the difficult task of trying not to slip right off and do a face-plant in the sand.
And silently they're both counting in sync, fivefourthreetwoone, and they both kind of gasp as they throw themselves as they become separated from the swings before they go plummeting back to Earth and Sam wonders if this is what it's like to touch the sky, to feel it in her fingertips.
They're like blackbirds falling through the sky.
Sam lands first, sticking out her tongue in a juvenile way and for a minute she can taste the Earth and the rain and suddenly she shudders and closes her mouth, wincing.
"What?" Freddie asks frowning, landing awkwardly beside her.
"The Earth tastes like cigarette smoke and something metallic," and she frowns (and her frown matches his, sort of), crossing her arms over her chest.
And the moment is ruined and they're no longer Sam and Freddie and Freddie and Sam but instead they're Sam Puckett and Freddie Benson and the pouring rain is gone and all that's left hovering around them is the hollow shell of what was once sort of a moment.
They leave the playground in silence.
When she's fifteen he kisses her on the fire escape.
And when his lips touch hers (softly of course because this doesn't mean anything…right?) they're kind of sort of Sam and Freddie and Freddie and Sam and they just flow again and she decides, much to her embarrassment, that Freddie tastes much better than the Earth does.
But then he says he hates her and she conjures up a faint smile just for him and says she hates him, too.
They don't flow anymore.
When she's sixteen she realizes that her mother's right and she is a failure.
"Are you going to college, Sam?" he asks her randomly one day in the studio and she nearly chokes so she shoots back with the only comeback that pops into her head.
"Your mom goes to college."
"You stole that from a movie," he notes out loud, smirking, "But seriously, are you?"
"I am aware, Fredward. And I don't know. Or care. You? Oh wait, I shouldn't ask, I know you too well."
"I won't get to see you anymore," she says suddenly and it hurts because it's true.
"That's two years away, Sam. You can visit me, anyway," and he smiles at her (and for once it's real).
Two years too soon Carly and Freddie leave for college and leave her behind.
She doesn't visit him once.
When she's twenty she attends her first wedding and she realizes that weddings are supposed to be happy, but this one isn't (to her).
And everyone's dressed in white white white and nobody stands out and there are white flowers and there's a white cake and everything's wrapped in white satin and it's pretty, sure, but she can't enjoy it.
At Carly's wedding to Freddie, Sam wears white (because really, she doesn't have a reason to s t a n d o u t here).
Carly kisses Freddie five seconds too soon under a white altar and under the same he stumbles with those two simple words that really aren't so simple. And flashbulbs sparkle as they hold the knife over their white cake (decorated with white flowers).
Spencer bursts into tears and Ms. Benson bursts into tears and everyone in the audience is teary-eyed including Sam, and she thinks maybe she's the only one who's not crying because she's happy (she should be, though). And there are smiles plastered on the faces of countless strangers and she finds herself wondering how many of them are real.
Sam makes the mistake of greeting Freddie with a "Hey nub, congrats!"
At the reception Carly and Freddie dance and Carly's eyes are glittering and meanwhile, Sam dances with Gibby (he's just as bad as it as she is, so it's all good) and when he asks her why she's crying, she says it's because she's just sooo happy.
The whole time she's holding her breath.
When she's twenty-two a load of letters from Carly and Freddie (and now Freddie and Sam and Sam and Freddie are long gone) fill her mailbox and those letters are filled with happy happy happy things and happy happy happy pictures.
They send her pictures of their new home and it's pale blue with a white picket fence and she laughs because that's just the life she's pictured them living.
One day, a new face pops up in the pictures and it's a tiny little girl with huge dark eyes and wavy dark hair and even though she looks more like Carly than she does Freddie, Sam finds herself picking out all the things that remind her of him (the way her eyes light up like his when she's happy, the way she smiles sort of just like him).
She doesn't have any part of their picket-fence house life.
(and she never will).
Sam wishes that maybe if yesterday were closer she could go back and snatch the moment with both hands and pull all the plugs and just say those pretty little words to him. Even "I don't hate you" would do.
But she thinks that maybe (m a y b e) it's for the best.
She's never been good for him, anyway.
well that was absolutely terrible. but whatever, life doesn't always have fairytale endings.
leave me a review and i'll shower you with happiness.