Arceus's Guide on How to Deal

With Your Male Counterpart

By: Crystal

Summary: It's Arceus's turn to write a guide on the male legendaries. Sequel to my Giratina Guide.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Dedicated to the female counterparts of crazy male Legendaries (me, Cress, Celebi, Kyogre, Lugia, Dialga, and Deoxys, just to name a few). Registeel and Heatran are both psychotic/homicidal so I will not be going over their complaints over their 'counterparts' because personally if I was either of those two's counterparts, I would probably have gone insane myself.

Who is your counterpart?

Darkrai-Cresselia's take on him: (Insane glint in eyes) He's gonna die…he's gonna die…He's going to die…

Me: What'd he do now?

Cress: He said 'Good morning'!

Me: (backing away) Ooookay…(runs away)

Groudon-Kyogre's take on him: He called me fat! He must die! *starts firing Hydro Pumps at Groudon*

Groudon: NOES! I DUN LIKE WATER!

Me:…O.O' Rayquaza! Help!

Rayquaza: (death-glare) Stop fighting right now or I will disembowel you both while you are still alive.

Groudon and Kyogre: (O.o)

Ho-oh-Lugia's take on him: Why the hell does the flashy turkey have to be my counterpart! He's a pain in the ass! (Me: Is that why I saw you two making out the other day?)

Shadow Lugia-Lugia's take on him: *Drooling* So hot. (Me: Good to know. Tell me why you hate him.) He only likes me for my body. (Players of Pokemon XD should get this joke. If you never played XD, buy it. Now.)

Mewtwo-Deoxys's take on him: He planted a computer chip in my arm! While I was asleep! I feel so violated! (He did it to me too, you know, and Giratina and Darkrai and…)

Entei and Raikou-Suicune's take on them: Entei's fairly smart and Raikou is a smartass. I like Raikou, though. He said I have pretty eyes. (Well, at least you told me what you disliked about Raikou…)

Mew-Celebi's take on him: Mew! Get back here! (A pink blur shoots past me, followed by Celebi who is wielding a battle-axe. I don't want to know.)

Giratina: My take on him: Giratina is well a little stoic sometimes, but to me he's really nice and sort of romantic. He's easier to deal with than the other guys!

Registeel and Heatran

I should warn all male and female Legendaries (or anybody within a twenty mile radius), that these two are completely insane. Avoid and if confronted-run like hell. Run like there's no tomorrow because if they catch you, there will be no tomorrow. Right now I have compiled a list of Registeel's and Heatran's many schemes (Partial list)

Registeel: Sentret army (Every once in a while, I see one walking around the Hall of Origin), demonic toilets from hell, pouring cooking oil on the steps leading up to the Hall of Origin (It was rather funny watching Regice fall down 1,045,982 flights of stairs. Where she got all that cooking oil, however, I have no idea.), and dying Darkrai hot pink (How this would help her accomplish her dreams of world domination I have no freaking idea)

Heatran: Getting Regigigas hyper (There is still a hole in my wall), tying up Giratina and dressing up like him to try to fool me (I'm not Mew. Do I look that stupid? However, it was funny to watch Giratina Aura Sphere the crap outta her), and evil, flaming-chain-saw wielding dryers of doom (How she came up with that idea is beyond me.)

If you see them, treat with extreme caution.

Most insane males: Giratina (He ranks about a five), Mewtwo (Let me put it this way: Come into my lab and we'll test out some harmless formulas I concocted! Result: Darkrai was a foot-tall for a week and Rayquaza's skin turned bright pink.), Ho-oh (Flashy, vain turkey), Shadow Lugia (Known as S-Lugia), Mew (Do not get me started or we'll be here all night), Darkrai (Sarcastic as hell. I believe that's who I'm hearing screaming in pain right now), Raikou, Palkia (No control over his mouth. Whatsoever. Can generally be heard screaming in pain twice a week and be seen running away from Dialga every Thursday), and Groudon (Immature, but fine by me…)

Less Insane

Latios (The fact that he's dead probably contributes to this.)

Regirock (Not insane himself, but I have pictures of him making out with Registeel. Five bucks says she drugged him)

Regice (I can't understand a word he says. He beeps. I don't speak Beep.)

Entei

Moltres (Something smells like it's burning…)

Manaphy (Never see him. Can be found swimming)

Uxie (Raikou *staring into Uxie's eyes*: Where am I? Who're you?)

Uxie: This is the Hall of Origin. I am Uxie. You are Bobo the dancing bear. I command you to dance, Bobo!

Raikou: Okay!)

Rules on How to Deal with Male Counterpart

1. Never say 'Is it that time of the month' to us. Ever. Not unless you have a death wish.

2. Mewtwo. Never go into his lab.

3. Do NOT give Mew sugar, soda, or anything that has caffeine/sugar in it/

4. In my case: (Snuggles up to Giratina) "Forgive Me?" This generally yields very good results.

5. Do not allow Darkrai within 20 meters of Cresselia. Or VERY bad things will happen. I cannot deal with WWIII breaking out at 3:00 in the morning.

6. Raikou is now Bobo the Dancing Bear. (Note to self: kill Uxie later.)

7. Ho-oh is a self-centered, flashy pain in the ass. He will never change.

8. Dialga has an unrivaled bloodlust when pissed. If you are anyone besides Palkia, treat with caution. If you are Palkia, run like hell.

9. When confronted: Act cute. Works best with Raikou, Shadow Lugia, Groudon, Palkia and Giratina.

What Not to Say to We Female Legendaries

Things involving the 'p-word'

What the hell did I do now?

Drop dead.

You psychopathic bitch!

Want to be my experiment? Oh, oops. I meant partner up with me for an experiment?

Someone obviously forgot to take their happy pills this morning.

Good morning (Apparently this pissed Cress off, so I'll put it here as a precaution.)

What Never to Say to Male Legendaries

"No, you can not come into the bathroom right now. I'm naked."-Cress to Darkrai. Naturally he opened the door anyway and got a Steel Wing to the you-know-where. He couldn't hover straight for three days.

"Sure! I'll help you on an experiment!"-Articuno. Poor girl; her feathers are still growing back. Lesson learned: never trust the Genetic Feline.

"Sure, you can have some of my candy!"-Jirachi to Mew. Result: He flooded the Hall of Origin with vanilla pudding.

"No, we will not be called Team Ho-oh-Is-The-Awsomest!" Lugia. Ho-oh was sulking in his room for two hours.

"Shadow Lugia, you are the most sadistic Legendary I've ever met!" Ho-oh. S-Lugia likes being called a sadist.

What to Say to Him:

My case is very easy. Snuggling up to him and saying "Let's make out" has always had very good results.

Darkrai: No idea. Cresselia will kill him if he comes within a hundred feet of her, let alone says anything to her at all. (A black blur speeds past me followed by Cresselia, who is charging up an Aurora Beam.)

Palkia: Palkia's nice. Just has no common sense.

Ho-oh: He's vain. The only way to make him happy is to flatter the obnoxiously flashy turkey. He won't stop talking about himself. If this annoys you, gang up on him with Shadow Lugia and insult him.

Shadow Lugia: He likes Lugia. Get Lugia. (Will you two get the hell out of my freaking bedroom, already?)

Mew: "Want to go prank someone?" He likes pranks. Or give him Azelf or Articuno.

Raikou: He likes Suicune. Give him Suicune. He also likes gummy worms. The sour kind.

Groudon: When him and Kyogre fight, give them Rayquaza. He death-glares at them. They stop.

Mewtwo: I'm not touching that one. Specific Reason: The only thing I can think of is let's go experiment. And I don't want anyone ending up with two heads.

Shadow Lugia: *Him and Lugia making out*

Me: Must you do that on my bed?

Shadow Lugia: Yes.

Me: O.O' (Shuts door)

Excuses Used to Avoid Mewtwo (These generally work)

"I'm trying to kill Darkrai right now. DARKRAIIII!"-Cress, Darkrai was asleep in my closet.

"Hell no! Roar of Time!" Dialga. Mewtwo's fur is gonna take a long time to grow back.

"Dude! Leave me alone! Can't you see we're making out!" This one has worked for me and Lugia.

Mewtwo: Celebi, want to help me out? I need someone to test this-"

Celebi: *Battle-ax*

Mewtwo: *pales* Oh, shit! (runs away)

"Ask me that question one more time and I will kill you." Rayquaza.

"I'm can't right now. Cress is trying to kill me again. Oh, hell! Here she comes!"-Darkrai.

Results may vary upon users.

Questions

Cresselia: *insane glint in eyes again* Where is Darkrai?

Me: Are you trying to kill him again?

Cress: YESH!

Me *pointing towards Giratina's room* He went that way!

Cress: Darkrai! (races down the hall)

Darkrai *opens closet door* Thanks!

Me: Anytime! ^.^!

Registeel: Have you seen my counterparts?

Me: No. (And I won't tell you if I had because if you were my counterpart, I'd be hiding too)

Registeel: Can I kill Regigigas?

Me: (O.O') No!

Suicune: Raikou says I'm pretty!

Me: That's nice for you but that really isn't a question!

Lugia: Ho-oh's acting like a self-centered idiot again!

Me: Refer to Rule 7.

Regirock: Help me! Registeel is coming this way!

Me: Refer to Heatran and Registeel.

Regirock: I did!

Me: (hands him car keys) Then get driving!

Celebi: Have you seen Mew?

Me: Is that a battle-axe?

Celebi: Yeah

Me: Then no, I have not seen Mew!

Giratina: Want to go make out with me?

Me: Yes!

Giratina glared at the panting Lunar Legendary floating at the entrance of his room. "Where is Darkrai?" she growled "Is he in here?"

Giratina scowled. "No." he stated, shutting the door to his room. He sprawled onto his bed, staring at the papers in his hand. Maybe I can turn this into a series, he thought.

Huh. Maybe I can turn this into a series. I my do a Giratina's Guide to Arceus, A Palkia's Guide to Dialga…(starts compiling a list on major legendary shippings)

Anyway, you know the drill, read and Review!

But no flames, or Cress will kill you (Cress starts charging up Aurora Beam)

Adieu and until next time,

Crystal