I'll Still Love You

A/N: This is loosely based off a plot me and my friends came up with. Kind of depressing

Disclaimer: Lets see... my name isn't JK Rowling... so nope. Not mind. Yet. :3

Regulus was looking at me with those eyes. The ones that say 'please don't leave.' He's gotten good at them. So, with an inward sigh, I pull him to me. I can't believe I still do this. One day it's going to hurt both of us. But for now he's actually calm. So I don't mind that he's cuddling into me, and I don't care that I don't feel anything when we kiss. It makes him happy. Who am I to ruin that? And when he softly mutters "I love you." for the first time well... what kind of person would I be if I didn't say it back?

Oh dear God he knows. I knew I shouldn't have gone to get drunk with him in the Shrieking Shack. What was I thinking? Even I know I'm a lightweight. It only took two firewhiskey's and Sirius asking why I wasn't dating anyone. Hopefully he was drunk too. Oh dear God. At least he doesn't know about Regulus. That would be a disaster. I stare at the ceiling of the dorm, trying to think of everything that was said and done. I'm pretty sure he had about ten more bottles then I did at his feet this morning when I woke up. I remember stumbling out of the shack and making it to the dorm, but nothing else until now. I still remember the conversation though.

"Remus, why aren't you fucking anyone? You're hot."

"Mm, don't like girls Padfoot."

"I didn't say girls, Moony."

"Cause I like someone very special."


"You, you silly dog!" God, I had been drunk. I sighed, and looked around. Sirius was crashed in his bed, clothes still on. James and Peter weren't in the dorm. My head hurt so much. I closed my eyes. A little more sleep couldn't hurt.

He doesn't remember. It's obvious, because every thing is back to the way it was. I can feel myself relaxing when James asked him what happened the night before, and he replied.

"I don't remember a thing." before laughing his head off. James, Peter, and I joined in. When confronted myself, I smiled lazily.

"Basically me taking care of a drunken Sirius. Nothing knew." James and Peter had smiled knowingly, and Sirius had thrown a pillow at my head. Yup, life was back to normal.

Stealing moments with Regulus was getting harder and harder. He had OWLs coming up, and I just didn't try anymore. I don't know if he could tell, but if so he hid it pretty well. He was getting overly clingy during the time we did have together. It had started out just making out, which had quickly moved on to just sex. He looked enough like Sirius that he could turn me on. I know, it's not a good excuse. Most excuses aren't. But it worked. Now he wants me to stay, to cuddle, to talk. He says "I love you." every time. And I can't help feeling like the world's biggest liar every time I say it back.

Sirius does know after all. Not from me telling him. He read it. Why, you may ask, is there something about how much I love him written down? It's from last year. An old journal. He read it, and asked me if it was still true. I fled. I think that was pretty much saying "Why yes, yes it is." I can't face him anymore. I ran straight to Regulus. It's not a good habit, and in the end it only made me feel worse. But there didn't seem to be any other options.

Every thing's awkward now. Even James has noticed how I try to avoid Sirius whenever I can. He and Peter keep asking me what he did, if they need to beat him up. Every time I shake my head, and make a bee line straight to my favorite hiding places. Staying away from Sirius has made it easier to be around Regulus. Easier to lie my way through a relationship. I just don't know how much longer I can last without exploding.

It shouldn't be like this. Sirius had me cornered, and was demanding to know why I had been avoiding him. You'd think he'd know. I looked at him, face flushed and then hurried to turn away. Looking at him made my stomach flutter. It wasn't helping the situation. I stayed silent. I didn't trust myself to speak. He sighed.

"Dammit Remus." he yelled, before shoving me against the wall. I didn't make a sound. If he was going to beat me up, I deserved it. Instead, he crashed his lips against mine. My eyes widened, but closed almost directly after. My hands went to his hair, and I kissed back. The kiss was needy, selfish, but also somehow innocent. We broke the kiss, both panting and gasping for air. I couldn't stay silent anymore.

"I'm dating Regulus." I muttered. I moved my eyes to the ground, waiting to be screamed at. Instead, I felt gentle hands lifting my chin.

"I don't care." he muttered, and then his lips were back on mine. For that moment, I put everything I had been worrying about out of my mind. It felt perfect, kissing Sirius. I didn't think about what would happen in the future. I only thought about the present.

"You're such a fucking coward!" I hear shouting in the halls as I'm doing Prefect rounds. I recognize that voice. The thing between me and Sirius had been going on for two weeks. I had yet to tell Regulus. I admit, I was afraid. I didn't want to see the hurt look on his face. It would be better if I knew he was just going to shout at me, punch me, something along the lines of that. I just couldn't stand looking at him, and knowing I was the reason his eyes showed so much pain. But here he was, having a shouting match with his older brother. I rounded the corner, just as Sirius defended himself.

"At least I don't do everything Walburga says." his voice was just a sneer, not the shout Regulus' was.

"She's your mother too, Sirius."

"She's never been my mother."

"Because you turned your back on your family! On me! On the people who loved you!"

"They were never my family. You think they love you? They don't. No one does. You think Remus does? Yeah, I know all about your little 'relationship' with my best friend."

"What.. how'd you know?"

"How do you think?"

"Fine. I don't care. He's told me he loves me."

"He lied. Every single time he was with you, was a lie. You want to know why? Whenever he got done fucking you... he came to ME."

"You're a liar!"

"Am I? Why don't you ask him. He's standing right behind you." as Regulus turned to face me, I stared at Sirius in shock. How could he just rat me out like that? I knew it wasn't right, but I was going to tell Regulus eventually. I didn't want him to know like this. Regulus looked at me, his eyes wide.

"Remus... Is... Is what he said true?" I couldn't lie anymore. I bowed my head. I could hear Sirius' laugh from where I was standing.

"Now you know the truth. Why don't you go find your little future death eater friends, and spend you're time with them. Remus was too good for you anyway." I watch as Regulus leaves, see the tears brewing in his eyes. I looked at Sirius.

"How could you do that?" I ask, my voice cracking a little. I should be furious with him. I shouldn't still want to kiss him. I shouldn't still love him. But I do. Sirius looked at me, the fight leaving his eyes.

"I'm sorry. But you never would have told him, if I had left it to you." he said with a sigh. No, I would have. I would have eventually... except he was right. I probably wouldn't.

"He still didn't need to find out like that." I said softly. Suddenly Sirius was close, his arms wrapped around me.

"I know. I have a temper. I'm sorry." he muttered. He kissed me gently, and I hated myself a little bit more for not thinking about Regulus.

"But now I can do this in public. Now we can be together in public. That is... if you still want me?" he asked, worry clouding his gray eyes for the first time in a long time. I nod. I wrap my arms around him, feeling tears leak from my eyes. I hadn't loved Regulus. It would have ended eventually. Nothing could compare to this. I sighed, and rested my head against his chest.

"Remus?" he asked me softly, and I look up at him. He wiped the tears from my eyes, and then kissed me softly again.

"I love you." he says softly. Somehow, just knowing that, is enough to calm me down. I even smile weakly.

"I love you too."

It's been a year since Sirius has died. I run a thumb over my lips gently, trying to remember the feel of his against mine. It's still there. Weak, but still there. I close my eyes, and remember the way that we were. It wasn't the most romantic relationship in the world, but it was perfect. Because it was me and him, and we were in love. He shouldn't be gone. It just wasn't the way our story was supposed to end. But even now, even though he's not here... I still love him. And I don't think I'll ever stop.

A/N v2: that was kind of sad... ah well. review and you will not have to feel the wrath of my evil pet monkey. :]