"Right. The big grand tour of the TARDIS, " the Doctor says with a smile and an open arm gesture. "If you would please follow me this way."

The Doctor leads River up the staircase leading up to a door on the third level. Once the pair reach the door it flies open upwards beckoning them in. The Doctor leans forward with a wave of his hand, and River takes her cue to enter first.

A brief walk in a narrow hallway leads to another door. It opens in the same manner and River and the Doctor move forward into the TARDIS. This room is wide and open. A grand cathedral like feeling emanates from the room. Hallways that twist and turn in all directions seem endless while infinite doors stretch far as the eyes can see.

There could be fifty rooms, there could be fifty-thousand; but one could not be sure. The laws of physics our word is bound by did not seem to apply to the interior of the TARDIS, therefore she could not quite grasp its actual size.

"Wow, just wow. Do you have a map of this place?"

"Well… er… now that you mention it… no, I don't," the Doctor says in a defeated manner. He then pips up, "But I can give you a tour of the parts that I do know. The necessities: Bathrooms, wardrobes, bedrooms, kitchens, libraries, things like that."

"Oh lets hit the wardrobes first. Do you have clothes for women?"

"I have clothes for every sex, every size, for every occasion in any time period."

"What are we waiting for."

River runs off skipping and smiling. She stops and her smile fades. She turns and looks at the Doctor. "Which way?"

The Doctor points to the right. "Third door, the one with the infinity symbol."

This door did not behave like the doors leading into this area. This door was wood, and had to be opened manually. River grabs hold of the metal, round door handles and pushed the door open.

The Doctor follows River into the wardrobe. He takes a seat to the left and crosses his legs.

"Stand over there, right on the round spot on the floor."

River does as instructed. The lining of the ring lights up a neon green. Around River a blue tunnel of light encircles her. From her feet a thin green light starts to move up her body, scanning her. A screen appears on the wall in front of River, opposite the door. The screen reads: Female, Human, aged 28 Earth years, 5 ft 8 in/172.72 cm, 137.8 lbs/ 62.5kg. The TARDIS wardrobe begins to made weird sounds.

"This part is fun," chirps the Doctor.

River and the Doctor are teleported. Once rematerialized River looks around the room. It's filled with clothes from every era, all in her size. She tries hard but River can't keep the glee from her face.

The Doctor and River laugh and joke as River tries on outfit after outfit. River settles on a pretty teal corset from the Victorian era. She pairs it with long sleeved black mini-jacket, jeans, and keeps the comfy she came in with. She twists her hair, wraps it in a bun, and

"Most people usually choose to wear clothes they are comfortable with in their time period."

"I'm not most people."

"A corset with jeans? And you call me strange."

"It's cute."

"And painful, and damaging to your internal system."

"Only over a long period of time."

"Point taken."

"So where next?"

River picks up her satchel and follows the Doctor out of the wardrobe.

"The lavatory. I had too much lemonade today."

River lays sprawled out on a red velvet fainting couch. She stares into a beautiful fountain in the center of the room. The windows show an image of a beautiful forest at twilight. The domed, windowed ceiling show stars starting to show their brightness.

She is brought out of her trance by the tickle of hair on her face. She refocus her eyes to see the Doctor leaned over, with his head cocked directly infront of her.

"Ah, it seems no matter how highly evolved you are, you are still a slave to involuntary bodily functions."

"I hate it when my muscles twitch for no reason. It drives me mad."

"Come along. I want to show you something relevant to your interests."

The Doctor and River exit the bathroom back to the never ending hall. After passing several doors the Doctor places his hands on one, and walks straight through it.

River looks puzzled for a moment before running in after him. Books, possibly millions fill the room.

"More books you could read in a lifetime. Complete histories of cultures, the best fiction written in history. I wish I could say I had them all but alas, I do not."

"Do you have a system to search for something in particular?"

The Doctor walks into the center of the room. He whips out his sonic screwdriver. It whirs as he holds his hand above the console. A screen pops up that looks like a search bar.

"It's voice activated."

"Patuxen culture, 50th century, planet of origin Ianthe."

The computer begins to search.


"Well it's where you are. Your ship is smack dab in the middle of an excavation of Patuxent ruins."

"Oh, well, still, it's quite specific."

The computer dings. No results found.

"I did say it didn't have everything. Let's have a look around."

The Doctor and River go up and down the rows of books, pulling out ones of interest.

The Doctor leans on the wood on the side of a bookshelf while River reaches for a book on her tippy toes. She touches of the top of it with the edge of her nails and manages to scoot the book out of position.

The walls begin to shake and the floor below the two of them swallows them whole.

River slowly peels her eyes open. She can kind of hear a buzz, but can't quite make out the sound. A bunny hops up and nuzzles his whiskery nose on River. She giggles as she lays in grass.

"Good you're awake, I was beginning to get worried."

"You have animals in here?"


"What feeds them?"

"I don't know," The doctor says with both frustration and wonder.

The Doctor looks around, he tries to keep a blank face.

"What happened," River moans as she sits up.

"I don't know."

The doctor has a harder time hinging the alarm in his face.

"You're not used to not knowing things, are you?"

"No I am not, but what makes you say that?"

"You look worried."

The Doctor sighs, "I am worried. I have no idea where we are."

"We're in your TARDIS… Aren't we?"

"Yes, of course, I know that. I mean I don't know where we are in the TARDIS, and that is a big problem."

"Why don't you have a map?"

"I've been meaning to make one. It just seems so tedious. I'm always too busy you know?"

"If I owned something this big the first thing that I would do is have a map made of the place."

River digs into her satchel and pulls out a blue notebook, with elevated squares. Only the first page or so has writing; the rest of the book has crisp, fresh, blank pages. She pulls out a pen.

"What are you doing," the Doctor asks.

"I'm starting a map. So at least there is some record of the interior of this place."

"There might already be a map, I just don't know where it is. "

The Doctor begins to walk in circles pulling his here and muttering to himself about the predicament they two are in.

River yawns and looks more around the area. She laughs when she sees several bunnies hop in circles around the Doctor's feet. She then notices something on the ground: a line of light coming from the blades of grass, starting at the Doctor's feet. It loops around river leading behind her.

"Doctor… Doctor… Doctor?"

The Doctor continues to mumble, and does not notices Rivers words.


"What? Who? Yes? I'm thinking, shut up. I'm sorry that was rude, what did you want?"

"Look at your feet."

"I'm well aware of the rabbit tea party at my feet."

"No, actually look at your feet."

The Doctor looks down and notices the light.

"What is it?"

"It kind of like in old Earth video games," the Doctor began. "The path to your objective is lit up before you."

"That's pretty cool. Where did it come from?"

"I'm not sure exactly but my bet is the TARDIS herself. She's trying to help us."

"Let's not keep her waiting then."

River elegantly raises her hand. The Doctor carefully steps over the bunnies and helps her up.

The two of them follow the glowing light into the reach a wall in the medow. The follow the light a few feet down until it ends at the wall. They open the door and step through.

They follow the light down hallways, through door after door. They stop in each room as river makes small lines and squares across both pages of her open book. She writes the words, lab, playground, movie theater, and the like in the little squares as they pass through rooms.

After what seems like eons River and the Doctor step into a room that seems familiar. "This is the bathroom we were in before," River exclaims as she writes down 'fountain bathroom'.

"I never knew this place had two doors, good to know."

The light slowly fades on the floor as the Doctor leads River back to the consol room.

"We should enter this map into the TARDIS computer."


The Doctor swivels the monitor around the consol over to the keyboard. He begins to type. He holds up the Notebook and the TARDIS scans it. The monitor shows a digitized version of the handwritten map, but each room labeled has a picture of the room.

"After all that the map is still incomplete. You probably mapped thirty percent of the TARDIS."

"Well it's like you said, The TARDIS is the most interesting place in the whole universe."