Kaidan Alenko: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
You are now the proud owner of a KAIDAN ALENKO! In order to get the most out of your new SENTINEL, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual. We guarantee that your KAIDAN's biotic, medical, & technical expertise will come in handy, from the battlefield to the backyard and beyond!
Name: Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko
Type: Human Biotic (SENTINEL)
Manufacturer: Alenko Corps, Ltd.
Programming: Conatix Industries
Year of Manufacture: 2151
Weight: 179 lbs.
Length: 9" [See Kessler I in ACCESSORIES, below]
Prior to unpacking your KAIDAN, be certain to mark at least two doors with the EMERGENCY EXIT labels provided, provided that you unpack your KAIDAN indoors.
It is advisable that you unpack your KAIDAN in a location that is easily accessible, but readily defendable. Setting up large crates or plastic storage containers at random but strategic points beforehand can help with this. For best results, unpack your KAIDAN in a calming environment, such as your den or home office; avoid unpacking your KAIDAN in settings with heavy noise and bright lighting, such as during a party or rave.
Remember to give your KAIDAN adequate time to adjust to its new surroundings. You will know when your KAIDAN has settled in once it begins to raid your refrigerator without asking permission.
Finally, please remember to register your KAIDAN on the extranet by using the serial number provided. This will allow your KAIDAN to update itself periodically as well as to entertain itself indefinitely. Your KAIDAN may also send you messages or links to interesting sites.
***NOTE*** In the event of unpacking in a dead-end room, such as a bedroom, EMERGENCY EXIT labels can be applied to any door, such as a closet.
***CAUTION*** In the event that you find any messages or interesting sites not to your liking, you may wish to engage parental controls.
In addition to coming pre-installed with an L2 biotic implant, your KAIDAN also comes prepackaged with an assortment of accessories designed to get you started without delay. Please take a moment to ensure you have the following:
(a) Kessler I Pistol
(b) Onyx Armor I (Light)
(c) Lancer I Assault Rifle
(d) Storm I Shotgun
(e) Avenger I Sniper Rifle
(f) Solaris I Biotic Amplifier
(g) Bluewire I Omni-Tool
(h) Systems Alliance Issue Uniform
(i) Systems Alliance Issue Combat Boots
(j) Systems Alliance Issue Identification Tags
(k) 0-3 Alliance Issue protein bars (individually wrapped)*
(l) 3 units of Omni-Gel (individually wrapped)
(m) 3 units of Medi-Gel (individually wrapped)
(n) A thermos
(o) Personal Locker (for easy storage)
*Precise number of item (k) is variable, dependent upon length in transit shipping and/or how long you choose to wait before unpacking your model.
Mods, vehicles, and additional accessories sold separately or packaged with other models. For more information, see our catalogue.
SENTINEL type units are engineered to have the widest range of functionality available. Rest assured, your KAIDAN unit has undergone rigorous testing to guarantee it would be prepared for the most diverse tasks you may assign to it, including but not limited to the following:
From how to take down galactic megalomaniacs to how to tactfully handle your in-laws; from current politics to neighborhood gossip; from whether the sky looks better blue or red, your KAIDAN unit will have an opinion on everything. And it will let you know in a friendly, non-intrusive manner!
As a biotic, your KAIDAN is quite capable of rearranging the furniture in a pleasantly chaotic pattern. Simply lock your KAIDAN in the room you want redecorated with a handful of MERCENARY units and let them do their thing. Turn your furniture right side up, dispose of any excess MERCENARY units or parts, and enjoy the bold new look!
Consider the advantages of allowing your KAIDAN the simple pleasure of outdoor housework during your hemisphere's summer months. For the safety of your unit, remember to check your local weather and undress your KAIDAN appropriately with regards to temperature and humidity.
Your KAIDAN is fully capable of feeding and caring for small animals, such as fish and rodents. We assure you, your animals will be at least as well cared for as in the hands of competing models, with extra loving care.
***WARNING*** Assigning a KAIDAN unit to care for your pets on the same schedule as a KELLY unit may result in awkward silences and be hazardous to your fishes' lives.
Biotic Sex God
Your KAIDAN is fully functional in bed, in a chair, against a wall, in a blindfold, in the shower, covered in maple syrup, in elevators, in zero-g, and in other locations as well.
It is advisable that you keep your KAIDAN away from bright lights and heavy noise, regardless of whether your KAIDAN insists that it's fine and it would really like to go clubbing tonight with a world-wise F series SHEPARD.
CLEANING AND MAINTENANCE
Your KAIDAN will require at least one shower per day, depending on levels of activity you have planned. The good news is that, although you will have to provide the weekly bar of soap, you will not need to provide shampoo. Your KAIDAN's hair will take care of itself.
Your KAIDAN will also require nutrients in vast quantities. We suggest that you buy in bulk from now on, but your KAIDAN will be happy to cook its own meals and even share the bounty if you ask politely.
By choosing to purchase a KAIDAN unit, you have guaranteed yourself the greatest range of compatibility on the market. Your KAIDAN will get along with most models in the HUMAN, TURIAN, ASARI, and SALARIAN, and MISCELLANEOUS ALIENS lines.
Your KAIDAN is guaranteed compatible with SHEPARD (series M and F, in all modes and settings, except when running CERBERUS software), ASHLEY, LIARA, GARRUS, TALI, and WREX models.
Your KAIDAN is not compatible with SAREN models or KROGAN CLONE, HERETIC GETH, and SPACE PIRATE lines.
Your KAIDAN may or may not be compatible with the ASARI CONSORT funpack.
***WARNING*** While KAIDAN units are highly agreeable with most other models not listed here, there are noted compatibility issues with units running CERBERUS software. Try installing LINUX instead.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: What's with my KAIDAN's hair? It's... odd.
A: Your KAIDAN's hair has been specially grown to precise specifications from lovingly cultured cells to give it its unique properties. In the event that you do not find it lusciously agreeable, consider that alternatives, such as a hat or a trip to your local stylist, are available.
Q: How do I get my KAIDAN unit to dance?
A: Ambiance! Sample different musical compositions that your KAIDAN unit may enjoy or relate to. If you feel that you are having trouble getting started with this operation, consider ordering FLUX! GREATEST HITS.
Q: My floors are hardwood, it's the middle of summer, and my KAIDAN is not wearing any socks, yet it still seems to be extremely static. Should I call a repairman?
A: No. Your KAIDAN will frequently discharge electricity, so be sure to keep it away from any technology that has not been buffered against static shocks. This is by design and will not harm the unit. However, if your KAIDAN stops giving off electricity, you should call the maintenance hotline.
Q: How can I get my KAIDAN interested in my M series SHEPARD?
A: Although we cannot set your units for you, if you are technically proficient, you can modify your M series SHEPARD to the default F series settings. After you have performed this modification, your KAIDAN should come around in a couple of days.
Q: Which would win in a fight? My KAIDAN unit or my SHEPARD unit?
A: Depending on your SHEPARD's unique specifications, either of these units could come out on top in the event of a fight. However, your KAIDAN has been programmed to defer to your SHEPARD's authority, in which case your SHEPARD would win.
***CAUTION*** In the event that your SHEPARD is the F series model, your SHEPARD and KAIDAN units may end up holding a rematch in your bedroom. Plan accordingly.
Problem: My KAIDAN has stopped talking. Did I do something wrong?
Solution: Eliminate all hostiles. If that doesn't solve your problem, leave your KAIDAN alone for a day or so, or for a few extended trips out into the final frontier and back. If your KAIDAN unit is still unresponsive, consider planning an extended trip to take on the universe.
Problem: My KAIDAN is whining about a headache. How do I get it to stop?
Solution: First, conjure up an iota of sympathy. Second, temporarily retire the unit to a dark, quiet place. Third, offer your KAIDAN an ice pack. Fourth, wait for your KAIDAN to recover. Should the headache return, repeat steps two through four as necessary.
Problem: My KAIDAN is an alien sympathizer and a pushover. This isn't what I wanted at all!
Solution: Gently persuade your KAIDAN that aliens are inferior to humans, and rightfully so! Remind your KAIDAN of the tyrannical imperialism of the turians, the duplicitous dealings of the salarians, and the manipulative nature of the asari. Lead by example in how you can get the job done without sacrificing our dignity with mere niceties. If you are persuasive enough, your KAIDAN will eventually come around to this more enlightened way of thinking. If you feel you are not persuasive enough, considering renting an F series SHEPARD professionally set to RENEGADE mode.
***CAUTION*** Prolonged contact with an F series SHEPARD in RENEGADE mode may cause your KAIDAN to balk at your authority. Proceed with caution.
Problem: How do I get rid of the CITADEL DOCTOR unit that keeps coming around and harassing my KAIDAN?
Solution: This is nothing serious; the problem will resolve itself in time. If you are in a hurry and have an F series SHEPARD unit on hand, remark in passing about how your KAIDAN unit and the CITADEL DOCTOR unit make a good couple. Your SHEPARD should resolve the problem.
Problem: My unit came with Heavy Phoenix armor and a Lancer I assault rifle, but I'm missing the rest of the accessories. I think there's been a mistake!
Solution: Due to a factory oversight, an unknown number of units were shipped with the incorrect accessories. Please contact our customer service hotline to get your free prototype Onyx XI armor, with a free night-jogging mod for your inconvenience.
FINAL NOTE - WARRANTY
Properly cared for, your KAIDAN will give you many long years of loyal service. Your KAIDAN is guaranteed against heat, cold, and a variety of other hazardous atmospheres, conditions, and situations as specified in your service contract. Your KAIDAN is NOT guaranteed against nuclear devices, vicious little cybernetic beetles carrying biostasic toxins, or static plot arcs.
***WARNING*** Warranty is not valid in the Hoc star system. Choose your tropical vacation planets with care.
Working Title: Kaidan Alenko: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Inspiration: Theresa Green's Owner's Guide series for Lord of the Rings.
Noteworthy: I didn't find any of these for Mass Effect, so I figured I should write one up. I enjoy the format, you see. :)
Special Thanks: fortunesque and Nightodie, who were respectively prodded at different times during the making of this fic. (And to the KAST as a whole, heart you all).
Derivative work of material © Bioware, Electronic Arts.