Gundam Wing and all its characters copyright BANDAI. Beware the Bandai.




Part 1: Vaguely Bad Ideas


Quatre: Okay, guys, I've got this great plan. Why don't we spend a gazillion dollars sending our gundams into the sun via spaceship rather than blowing them up with the already installed self-destruct programs?

Heero, Duo, and Trowa: Sounds good to us. We'll let Wufei keep his, though, because we know he's such a stable person.

Wufei: That's so stupid I'm going to join the enemy. They let me blow stuff up indiscriminately.

Relena: What enemy? I thought we had finally achieved peace! *gets kidnapped by Marimeia*

Marimeia: Attention, citizens. I, Marimeia Khushrenada, am so annoyed with Vice Foreign Minister Relena Peacecraft's speeches that I've decided to take over the world. Oh, and I'm Treize's seven year old daughter.

Une: Why's everyone looking at me? She's not my secret love-child, I assure you. She doesn't even look like me...or Treize, for that matter.

Noin: Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Zechs: Psst. Do you think they'll let me back on the show if I promise not to plot the destruction of the earth?

Noin: Anything, as long as you promise not to wear that chicken mask.

Sally: Have you heard about the real Operation Meteor, Milliardo? Apparently, they're going to drop a colony on the earth.

Zechs: That sounds awfully familiar...hey! That was my plan! Damn unoriginal fools!

Trowa: I've just noticed that these pants are incredibly tight.

Wufei: Here, you can have a pair of my shorts. They're strangely liberating.

Trowa: Ah, that's better. Hey, these are the bad guys' shorts.

Quatre: Trowa, again with the two-timing!

Fans: Where are the gundams? We wanna see those goddamned gundams!

Duo: This is all your fault, Quatre. You go get the gundams back.

Quatre: Fine, fine. I needed a plot anyway, and all I have to do is techno-babble my way through it.

Heero: Meanwhile, Duo and I will sneak into Marimeia's base even though it's incredibly foolhardy and dangerous.

Sally and Noin: We'll help you!

Trowa and Wufei: We don't think so.

Duo: Guys, how could you betray us? And--good Lord, those shorts look stupid on you.

Wufei: That was a very UNJUST remark. Die!

Trowa: Yeah, die, or something...oh fine, I admit I'm faking the betrayal thing again.

Duo: Oooh, it's so dramatic! Trowa as the double agent AGAIN! The enemy getting fooled AGAIN! Gosh, those writers sure do come up with original ideas!

Heero: I've got an idea. *punches Duo*

Trowa: Is it that we pretend I knocked both of you out so you can escape in the ruckus?

Heero: No, I just wanted to shut him up. But your plan might work too.

Quatre on the com: Got gundam?

Heero: Yippee. *runs away*


Part 2: Vaguely Smarmy


(Flashbacks: Getting the Goddamn Gundams)

Duo: That is one ugly scientist.

Quatre: That is one ugly scientist.

Trowa: That is one ugly scientist. Hey, that guy has my name.

Wufei: That is one ugly scientist. And those are some ugly pseudo-Chinese.

Heero: That is one ugly scientist. Oh look, a girl and her dog. Boom. I'll take this gundam, thank you.

Scientists: And thus mass destruction ensues.

(End Flashbacks)

Relena: A boy and his dog...that's such a sweet story!

Duo: Wow, I didn't know Heero was such a...wuss.

Heero: Shut up before I kill you so hard that you die.




Part 3: Vaguely Violent


Heero: I'll grab my Gundam from space using death-defying technobabble maneuvers.

(Cue indecipherable Japanese pop music)

Heero: What the hell? Who put these stupid wings on it?

Fans: OOOooo...pretty.

Wufei: I FIGHT YOU! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!

Heero: I don't wanna fight now! I have to go kill...I mean, save Relena Peacecraft!

Wufei: Aw, come on. I haven't had a decent fight since I slaughtered Treize. It's all been women and children this, helpless innocents that.

Heero: Don't take out your Freudian projections of inadequacy out on me. I mean, really, spearing Treize with an enormous pitchfork? If you'd like, I can give you the number of my best therapist.

Wufei: *sputters*

Heero: *runs away and jumps in the ocean*

Marimeia: So, Ms. Relena.

Relena: So, Marimeia.

Mariemeia: ...Pacifism sucks.

Relena: Does not!

Mariemeia: Does too!

Relena: DOES NOT!

Mariemeia: DOES TOO DOES TOO DOES TOO!

Daykim: Now girls, don't give me a hernia...

Quatre: I've got everyone's Gundams!

Trowa: Why is Heavyarms green?

Duo: Bwa ha ha! Sucks to be your colour scheme. My Deathscythe looks even cooler than before!

Enemy Mobile Suits: Guess we'll have to remedy that.

Quatre: The gundams are improved, so these guys should be no problem.

(Heavyarms runs out of bullets...again)

Quatre: Er, well, the paint job is improved anyway.

Trowa: Looks like we have to blow ouselves to smithereens again...

Zechs and Noin: No, don't! We'll help you because we love you!

Trowa: Nuts.

Citizens: *watching a giant video screen* Damn, that's a fine mobile suit battle over there!

Dorothy: Anyone who wants a closer look, pile into my gaudy and grossly oversized truck!

Quatre: Dorothy Catalonia, that is one smooth...no, I'm not falling for the faux-gold vehicle again! I refuse!

Marimeia: Relena, listen up. History is an endless waltz, of war followed by peace follwed by rebellion followed by war. Those who fail to learn from history are destined to repeat it. Humans are like machines who only purpose is to fight. Time flows like a river...and plot points repeat. Yet the writers continue to get paid. History is...

Daykim: *thinks* I'll kill her later when I don't need her anymore.

Relena: *grabs the microphone from Marimeia* Citizens! I've just had an epiphany! Peace is bad! Fighting is good! Fight your brains out!

Citizens: Okay! *throw rotten fruit at Marimeia's mobile suits*

Enemy Mobile Suits: Hey hey, citizens to smush!

Quatre: Don't squash the people, you fools! Those are our loyal customers! Who'll buy our Bandai Action Figures if they're gone?

Trowa: Not to mention Bandai Action Figure Model Kits.

Wufei: I see now! Maybe killing things indiscriminately is not the way.

Enemy Mobile Suits: Guess they've got a point.

Duo: Heh heh...and no one even buys those dull and ugly enemy figurines.

Heero: *thinks* Boy, it sure is wet underwater. *Comes out of the water*

(cue indecipherable Japanese pop music)

Heero: Hi, I have a big cannon, and I don't mean that figuratively. I'm not Wufei, you know.

Daykim: Just try and shoots this base! It's unsinkable! I mean, indestructable!

Marimeia: He won't shoot! We have Relena Peacecraft and he actually likes her!

Heero: Hell no. *blasts the crappers out of the base*

Marimeia: Okay, how about you stop if we give Relena to you?

Heero: Hell no! *blasts the crappers out of the base again*

Relena: Ouch...that was just Heero's way of showing that he loves me!

Daykim: Marimeia...I must confess something. I am...your father!

Marimeia: EW! And that doesn't stand for 'Endless Waltz'!

Daykim: Just kidding! *shoots at Relena*

Marimeia: No, you can't kill her! I want to kill her! *takes the bullet*

Une: Daykim! That Star Wars joke was really lame. *blows his head off*

Heero: Um, bang?

Relena: You don't have to kill anymore, Heero.

Heero: Relena...

Relena: Heero...

Heero: Why the hell can't I kill anymore?

Relena: Because your Gundam blew all its fuses.

Heero: Works for me.




Part 4: Vaguely Suggestive


Quatre: Okay, guys, I've got this great plan. Why do't we spend a gazillion dollars sending our gundams into the sun--

Duo: Shut up, blondie. *self-destructs his gundam*

Trowa: *self-destructs his gundam*

Quatre: Oh fine, you spoilsports. *self-destructs his gundam*

Wufei: Eh, guess I'll do it too. I'm such a sucker for peer pressure. *self-destructs his gundam*

Sally: So, Wufei, wanna join the Preventers?

Wufei: You're just asking me because you're hot for my tight little bod, aren't you? S

ally: ...Well, yeah. So?

Wufei: Heck, why not.

Zechs: So, Noin, shall we?

Noin: Oh Zechs! It's been one hour and thirty minutes since this stupid movie started and we haven't gotten it on once. Please don't ask me...again.

Marimeia: Thanks for caring for poor paraplegic me, Lady Une.

Une: Not at all, milady. Shall I draw a rose bath for you?

Trowa: Quatre...I have a question. If you're Arabian, why are you blue-eyed and blond and pale?

Quatre: Xenophobic eugenics program in the 22nd century. Does this make you like me any less?

Trowa: Maybe just a little.

Quatre: Waaah! You dumb low-born circus freak! Rashid, he made fun of me!

Trowa: I'll, uh, go back to Catherine now.

Quatre: Aheh. Just kidding.

Duo: Hilde! I love you!

Hilde: Duo! Why the hell wasn't I in this movie?

Duo: Umm...

Relena: Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah! Ha ha ha!

Heero: *thinks* Ear plugs were the best investment of my life.

(cue indecipherable Japanese pop music)

Heero: Why does this music keep following me? Tell me why!

Relena: Heero? Is that you?

Heero: *runs away*

Fans: We can't believe all the gundams blew up!

Director: There'll be no more Gundam Wing series...but you can still buy Bandai Action Figurines!

Fans: Yay!

The End...for real, this time



Author's Note:

I get the feeling this isn't as funny as Gundam Fling was. Part of the problem is that Endless Waltz is somewhat better than the TV series, and being shorter there's less material to draw from; another part of the problem is that I actually researched the plot this time, and the nice short and punchy feeling I was going for got lost. Damn. But the biggest problem, methinks, is that I had to force the jokes out for Endless Schmaltz, whereas the jokes for Gundam Fling popped into my head quite spontaneously while I was watching the TV series.

If Endless Schmaltz felt like a let-down, please do tell me, and see if you can identify what didn't work. I'm willing to overhaul the thing, if I can figure out a better way to write it.

Oh...and I know the gundams weren't actually upgraded, just redesigned as if they'd always looked that way. But come on, weren't you expecting a little more ass-kicking? Admit it!

LI