Disclaimer: If I owned Glee Kurt would be with Puck and it would be good.
A/N: This idea came out of no where and demanded to be written earlier today. Lets hope you enjoy it as much as my housemate and I do.
Kurt knows that when Puck pushes him against the lockers and glares at him what Puck is trying to convey is: "I love touching you and I am showing others that you are my property."
It stands that when Kurt looks down at Puck with a frown tugging at one end of his lips and a smile pulling on the other side what he's trying to say is: "You think you can flirt with others? You belong to me. You are like one of my scarves, only prettier."
And when Puck would reply to the frowning smile with a tilt of his head and eyebrow raise with pursed lips what he's telling Kurt is: "Babe, I am not prettier. I am sexier. In a sexy-way. Jizz-in-your-pants-way."
Kurt might then let out a little bit of breath from his barely open lips, a quiet scoffing noise coming from the back of his throat only to let Puck know that: "I will never jizz in my pants. Do you know how much these cost?"
It is not uncommon for them to have these conversations. Only they know what one another is truly saying. Their friends see it more as some enemies bickering about who is better than the other. They all share a look with raised eyebrows and pointed looks that states simply: "When do you think they'll get to the point where fists and words fly in the air like butterflies?" Let it be said that the previous statement they all share has bits from everyone's point of view. Brittany is very fond of butterflies.
Only one day when Kurt is running his hand along his hair ("You don't get to mess my hair up again, I'm running low on hair spray.") and Puck's eyebrows raise, his eyes getting only slightly bigger ("I'm sorry but what else was I supposed to grab when you were doing that with your mouth?") and Kurt gave a self-satisfied half-smile which made the freckles on his face stand out ("Good times.") and Puck had to reach out on poke a certain freckle under Kurt's right eye over and over again ("I love this freckle. You can't ever go tanning, babe. It'll make the freckles disappear if you're tan.") and Kurt glared ("I don't tan, moron. I burn and then I'm pale again.") then starts batting Puck's hand away ("HAND NEAR MY FACE. OMG. HAND NEAR MY FACE. I LOVE YOUR HANDS AND IT'S NEAR MY FACE. STOP TOUCHING MY FACE WITH YOUR HAND.") followed up by Puck's smirk and more poking at the special freckle ("I love your weird obsession with my hands. Also, glad that the freckle will stay there. It's the one that seems to glow when we're having sex.") and then Kurt raised and eyebrow with his frowning smile ("Yes, well, you have a weird obsession with my freckle. Also, you're incorrigible.") and Puck licked his lips ("You know that Puckzilla is a sex shark. A very sexy sex shark.") everyone else sees this as Puck picking on and annoying Kurt. Simple as that.
But on this certain day, Mercedes could see it. It might've been the fact that she had the perfect amount of sleep that night, or that she had some Goji juice for the first time that morning, or that she could finally read her boy's facial expressions better, but for whatever reason, Mercedes saw it. Her mouth fell open and her brain didn't think to put up a social filter when she exclaimed, "You're doing the dirty with him?" And of course what she had meant by that was: "OMG. MY HOME BOY IS HAVING SEXY-TIMES WITH PUCKASAURUS."
The room stared at them. Finn squeaked. Mr. Schue was holding onto a chair to stop himself from falling over. The pencil Brittany had been chewing on fell from her open mouth. Brad let his hands fall on the piano keys, the sound of the notes dying was the only sound still heard.
Puck rolled his eyes and said, "Uh, duh?" Even though what he really meant was: "Come on, who wouldn't want to hit that?"
Kurt shot a glare at Puck, "Well that was eloquent." And by that, he, of course, meant: "Come on, who wouldn't want to hit that?"
Puck's brow furrowed, "Wha'?" Which he was actually saying: "What?"
Kurt let out a little sigh, "Never mind, you Neanderthal." And Puck knew that Kurt had really said: "You're lucky that you are hot, are fantastic in bed and for some odd reason I am fond of you."
Puck shrugged, side of his mouth upturned, something that Kurt knew meant: "Fond of you too, babe. Even though you said I was like one of your scarves the other day."
"Seriously?" Kurt blinked, "You're bringing that up now?" which was Kurt's way of telling Puck: "I already apologized for suggesting that you are an accessory."
"Bringing what up?" Finn asked, though his mind was thinking one thing: "It seems like Kurt can read minds. I wonder if he knows that I had accidentally used his toothbrush this morning."
"Nothing." Puck growled, "Never mind." He crossed his arms in a way that clearly stated: "I don't want to forgive you yet (even if I have). You hurt my man-feelings. Besides, we get into another argument we can have angry-sex followed up by make-up-sex and then more sex."
Kurt scoffed, "Would you just let it go?" And Puck knew Kurt had really said: "Man-feelings? Seriously?"
Puck pouted, "I don't wanna." He looked at Kurt in a way that stated: "Yes. Man-feelings. I can has them."
"Well, you need to. It wasn't a big deal." Kurt protested even though he meant: "Srsly? LOLCat?"
Puck nodded and licked his lips in a way that he knew Kurt would know as: "I can has you. Om Nom Nom."
"Well, this is-. Uh." Mr. Schue started even though he really wanted to say: "At least you can't get Kurt preggers. Did I just say 'preggers'? The kids are getting to me. Ooh, maybe I should make them sing a duet."
"What frightens me the most is," Artie started, "that they've clearly been having sex for a while if they can have silent conversations." He pushed his glasses up as they had been sliding down his nose even though he had wanted to say: "I've clearly entered Bizarro World. Any moment now Santana is going to turn into a raptor and tear us apart with her talon-like claws. No one would be safe. Except Brittany."
Tina gasped and nodded, "You're right." Which a few of her fellow Glee-mates knew she meant: "That's so hot."
"He's his lobster." Brittany clapped, clearly meaning: "I watched my Friends DVDs yesterday."
"Did you just quote Friends?" Puck asked, eyebrow raised before glancing over at Kurt which stated: "Babe's my lobster. Boo-yah."
"Did you just know that she quoted Friends?" Santana shot back in a way that clearly declared: "Don't make fun of Brittany or I will cut you with my talon-like claws."
Puck shrugged, "Shows on the TV all the time and my sister likes it." And it just so happened that every time Puck watches the later seasons all he sees a hot threesome between Monica, Chandler and Joey: "Oh yeah. Threesome."
Kurt sighed and got out a nail file. "I understand that this is news for you all but we need to get back to Glee." He looked pointedly around the room, "We have to work on our songs if we want to win. Let's get to it." Even though this time everyone knew what he was really saying: "If you have a problem with me and Noah I will hurt you with my nail file. Trust me when I say that there would be pain. Lots of pain."
Rachel nodded, "He's right. Lets be back on track. We need more practice in our choreography." And everyone knew she meant what she just said.