Once upon a time there was a pig. He was a friend of the rainbow zebras. He liked to eat apples and bananas. However, anytime somebody started to sing the song about them, he would kick them in the gut. However, anytime somebody started to sing the song about them, he would kick them in the gut. Then the apples started to feel lonely... So they hired ninjas to kill the bananas. Then the apples started to feel lonely... So they hired ninjas to kill the bananas. The banana he slipped on then became a zombie, because the ninja had a secret weapon that broke on the banana when he fell, giving the banana superpowers. The super zombie banana was also captured by the pig. He was then ground up as banana bread, and used to pay the ninjas. The super zombie banana was also captured by the pig. He was then ground up as banana bread, and used to pay the ninjas. The Pig was disgusted with humanity. He thought about pulling a and replacing the factory with a regular banana grove. The Pig, who was in the stomach of the ninjas, took over the bodies of the ninjas and ran off to find a hot chick, because the Doctor always travels with a hot chick. He found Kethry, a tulip, from Conneticut. Kethry had a horrible secret that involved her cousin Rowan the Avatar. It endangered the Pigs life, rendering him speechless. The mute pig was very mad at Kethry for what had happened. He decided to eat Kethry. It would've been a great loss, but after all, she was only a tulip...but he was still sad he did it. So the mute pig decided to contribute the rest of his life to helping the poor. The only problem was, every time he picked up a beggar out of the street, the ninjas (who were still followig him for the kicks), would kick them back down. So the pig went to the nearest Catholic church for confession. He accidentally entered the priest's side. As he sat there, inside the little cubicle thingy, a person walked into the other side. He didn't really know what to do. However suddenly, the person began to speak 'Forgive me father, for i have sinned,'. He went on to give a detailed account of how he had sinned, and stolen a treasure, leaving it in a field. Pig decided this ws a sign of God's forgiveness, so he snuck out to go find the treasure. He mentally promised to tithe it. The pig went to all the fields in town, but could not find it. Meanwhile, the man in the other side was wondering why the Father had yet to respond, and was worried that his sin was so bad that the Father would not even speak to him. Then he climbed out of the cubicle, ran to the nearest bridge, and jumped off in grief. The pig was pissed that he couldnt find it. He returned to the church to ask questions, only to find that the man was gone. The pig went home, plotting revenge, then made a sandwich, grabbed a drink, and turned on the evening news.
"The plotter of the horrendous Bank Robbery has just been found, floating in the river. Mayer Hoffendorfen has been quoted as saying, 'the search [for the perpetrator]is wasting valuable time and effort. The whole thing'd be easier if he was dead.'He is now in jail under charges, with his wife waiting outside.'"
Oh crap, thought the pig. Hoffendorfer-the prat- is my brother in-law. The audience just realized that either the pig has a sister, or was married and had an affair with the tulip. *Gasp* The astonishment! The suspense! The drama! The soap-opera characteristics! Horfendorfer was mouldering away in jail. He wasn't sure if he was married, or if his sister was married, and he had sired a child in his seven year coma, from which he awoke perfectly groomed, and aware. The pig, being less aware, took a nap, so he could 'sleep on it'. Horfendorfer got a notice that he had a visitor one day. He was quite surprised. 'Alas, my love who do me wrong, to cast me off discourteosly!', he exclaimed, upon opening the door. You see he had thought it was his wife. But it was Pig, who was quite disgusted to be greeted with a large sloppy kiss. Pig also wondered at why Horfendorfer spoke so "old-fashioned-like". He stood in the doorway, with the cops watching interestedly. Many were taking bets on whether Horfendorfer was gay or not. "I've heard your new around these parts." said Pig. He spat a wad of tobacco onto the floor. "Huh." Pig didn't sound interested, or convinced. "
"So, why are you here?" asked Horfendorfer. "I thought you always hated me."
"Good point," Pig acquisced. Heturned around and walked back out the door. A police officer asked him why he bothered.
"Oh, i have to do this sort of thing every so often," replied Pig. "Otherwise we forget why we hate each other. I'll give him 12 hours, so he can forget all hope,then i might come back." he continued walking.
"Might?"asked the policeman.
"Might. I owe him for Cuba."
The policeman decided that Pig was on drugs, and shrugged. He went back to listening to his iPod, where he hid all of his "secret" music - which usually contained titles such as "Superchick". Horfendorfer had noticed this... He decided to keep that in mind. One didn't know Pig without picking up a few things, after all... Pig turned around and walked out. He had to find a salloon. Why Pig wanted a saloon, nobody knew. Until, of course, Pig walked into the nearest saloon, sat down, and spat.
"Ah" he said. "there's no spitting like salloon spitting."
One of the men next to Pig growled angrily. "You think you can spit better than us? Them's fighting words, boy."
He broke a whiskey botttle on the counter, they all started snapping while hunched over, and circled up. One of the bartenders broke into song with the barmaids singing the chorus.
"They Told Him Don't You Ever Come Around Here
Don't Wanna See Your Face, You Better Disappear
The Fire's In Their Eyes And Their Words Are Really Clear
So Beat It, Just Beat It":)
Then Pig, who didn't know the next verse, started freestyling. The barmaids gotpissed. sooo...they pushed out the door. Pig stumbled,and fell on his broken bottle. He died, and took over the body of Horfendorfer (the Prat's) wife, Fiona. She went to go visit her husband in jail.
Horfendorfer was surprised to find Fiona there - they lived in Detroit.
"I bycicled here. Just to see you." she huffed.
Horfendorfer looked surprised. "Did you remember to chain up the bicycle?"
"Of course not!" She screamed. "Why on earth would I-" Horfendorfer directed her gaze out the window, where some delinquents were already taking off with the slumped to the floor.
"How was your day dear?"
Horfendorfer sighed. "It could have been better. Yours?"
She looked up at him and growled. "Wonderful," she said between clenched teeth.
Fiona stood up, and sighed. "We have GOT to get you out of here."
Horfendorfer rolled his eyes. "And how do you suppose we do that?"
"Easy. If you're dead, they can't press charges, right?" she inched closer, reaching in her purse for her giant scary nail filer.
"Couldn't we just fake it?"Horfendorfer replied, inching back.
"Nah," she replied."Much more convincing this way."
The camera suddenly changed to a viewing of the wall, where the shadows "showed" what was going on. Scary music appeared, and the policeman had to turn up his iPod to avoid hearing it. Hannah Montana did wonders with blocking out sound.
THE END... OR IS IT?