Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Hello HP fans! This is my first HP fic ever! I have been writing Dark Angel for a number of years, but the works of some certain authors has inspired me to write a Sirius/Hermione piece of hotness. Because really, they are. I really wanted to write something smutty, but for some reason it always ends up being talky and USTey. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing...hopefully.

Thank you to Angelically-devilish, ., Tink Wolfe, Atruwriter and Pelespen whose stories inspired me to write this. You are all fab writers and I can only hope that my bit of SB/HG can be even a quarter as fantastic as any one of your stories. Also, thanks Queens of the Stone Age for the title.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy...

Monsters in the Parasol

"You're bloody shitting me, right?"

Mischevous grey eyes met dubious brown.

"Of course not. You're here, theres a bottle of tequila, and I'm bored. Humour me."

"You can't play I have never with two people. It's ridiculous. And besides, you would end up drinking that entire bottle before I even get a chance at a shot. And I intend to get drunk," Hermione poured a generous slurp of alcohol into a pitcher on the table and cast a quick freezing charm.

"You, my dear, are drinking margaritas. You will most certainly get brain freeze, but I doubt you will get that pissed." He plucked the bottle from the centre of the table and poured himself a shot. "Come on, just a couple of rounds."

She rolled her eyes and tipped her glass, rubbing it in a saucer of salt. "Fine, but only a couple of rounds."

His eyes lit up and he rubbed his hands together in glee. Hermione distractedly poured herself a glass of slushy greenish liquid and took a sip, wincing at the salty edge of the glass.

"Seeing as you have given me the puppy dog eyes I am loath to resist I get first shot." She raised an eyebrow over the edge of her glass and took another sip.

"Fine, but no I have never kissed a girl or I have never performed cunnilingus."

She made a face and poked her tongue out. "Must everything be sexual with you?"

"I'm Sirius Black. Of course."

"You would think ten years of being dead would mellow you out a bit."

"It has, I don't ride that ridiculous Harley any more."

She turned around and looked at the black Kawasaki next to the apartment's entrance. "And I suppose sports bikes are so much more mature."

"I am an enthusiast! What can I say, I didn't want to look like I was having a mid life crisis." He drank his shot and poured another.

"It's worse! At least with a Harley everyone knows you're having a mid life crisis! With that thing they're expecting a hot young twenty something to leap off and the next thing you know, you're taking off your helmet and everyone's face is falling because it's just some old dude. It's sad." Hermione knew it was a big fat lie.

"Some old dude? I'm only thirty-eight!"

"No, technically you're forty-eight. You just lost a few years in the middle." She drained the rest of her glass and poured another.

"And came out looking well rested and much younger than my thirty-eight years, thank you very much." He poked his tongue out at her and poured her a shot. "I have never had a twenty-fifth birthday party."

She glared and downed the shot. He gave her a hoity-toity look, "see, not everything has to be about sex."

"Fine, but that wasn't fair. And you said I could have first go."

"So sue me. You still had to drink." Se glared at him.

"I have never been dead for ten years." He rolled his eyes and took his shot, grimacing when he swallowed a little too quickly.

"That wasn't fair."

"That's one freebie each, no more cheap shots." She gave him a warning look and took a sip of her newly refreshed margarita.

"Why are you getting drunk with me anyway, Ronniekins kick you out or something?"

"I'm going to go with the latter on that one." She looked away and started sliding her finger around the edge of her glass.

"Come on Hermione, we're mates. Tell me what happened." He reached over the table and ruffled her hair, earning a death glare from the pretty witch.

"I'll have you know that it took me a whole minute and a half to do my hair this evening Mister Black. I don't appreciate all that effort being ruined." There was still a twinkle in her eye and Sirius knew she couldn't be that upset. She held the eye contact and continued, "I don't love him."

"Pardon me?"

"I don't love him. I got home tonight and realized. I saw him sitting on the sofa and all I could think was 'oh god, I really can't be bothered with him tonight'." She paused and looked up from her drink. "Does that make me awful?"

"Don't be silly, everyone has those moments." He motioned to the shot glass and she downed it. Refilling it, he continued. "Besides, I'm sure you'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be back to normal. Raging newlywed hormones and all."

She sighed heavily and went back to the weaker drink. "No, really Sirius. I just don't want him any more. I'm bored."

"I have never fallen out of love with my husband!" He exclaimed.

She snorted and didn't drink, instead focusing on a tiny speck of salt that had fallen onto the base of the glass.

"See, I told you everything would be fine!"

She dragged her finger over the offending grain and licked her finger. "No, I haven't fallen out of love with him. I was never in love in the first place."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're just getting cold feet after the fact. You know, normally this happens the day of the wedding, not two years later." He snickered gently and she glared at him.

"I have been in love, you know. I know what it feels like."

"Oh sure, you've only been in love with someone other than the dude you're married to."

"I had an affair with Draco Malfoy." She smirked evilly and looked at him expectantly.

He raised his eyebrows and spoke slowly. "You're telling me you had an affair with, and I quote, 'the hottest thing to come out of Slytherin house since Salazar Slytherin himself' and didn't tell me?"

"It was an affair, Sirius. Generally those kind of things are secret."

He harrumphed and stood up, heading for the kitchen. She followed him with her eyes watching the muscles in his shoulders flex as he reached for the top cupboard and the margarita glasses. She licked her lips and quickly changed her expression to one of innocence when he turned and headed back toward the dining table. He looked at her suspiciously and paused at the stereo on the way, turning on a song he knew was one of her favourites.

"You know me too well." She smiled genuinely at him and started bopping her head along to the song. Pulling her hair from the messy ponytail she raised her hands above her head and did her best to dance along while still sitting. Sirius laughed at her antics, putting her silliness down to the booze combined with mild panic over the state of her marriage.

"Please don't go out and get yourself arrested Hermione. The way you're acting tonight, I'm starting to worry." He sat back down and helped himself to her pitcher. She gave him a withering look.

"So, by your logic, every song I love I must therefore live. So not only will I get myself arrested, but also get high enough to see weird shit, smack Ron around because, lets be honest, any attention is better than nothing, and also turn my phone off every time I enter a bar."

"Sounds reasonable. I am pretty sure the only thing you haven't done on that list is the spousal abuse." He wiggled his eyebrows and she made another face. He really was rather gorgeous when he was being silly.

"I have never gotten high enough to see weird shit!" Hermione was indignant. Sirius drank. Hermione shrugged and drank too.

"Ha! I knew it!"

"Shut up. It was the hens night, it was expected of me."

"Ginny's idea I suppose?"

"No, Tonks. She was out for blood that night, I don't think any of us survived unscathed. I know that Ginny had to put a glamour on her shoulder after she smacked into a table after desperately trying to find the stupid hat she thought she had dropped. It was on her head all along." Sirius snorted. Hermione leaned back in her chair and smiled. "It was actually a rather good night."

"Trust Tonks to bust out the E. I thought she stopped that before her and Remus finally got together."

"Oh, she stopped alright. Doesn't mean she can't still deal from time to time."

"Hermione Granger, did you actively seek out the purchase of class B drugs?" He struggled to force a scandalized look, but inside Hermione knew he was trying desperately not to break into a fit of giggles.

"Don't be ridiculous. I just didn't protest when they were offered to me." She took another sip and feigned an innocent look across the table.

"I have never taken E." Hermione took a shot and raised an eyebrow.

"Really, I thought you would have done plenty of experimenting in your time."

"Before I got thrown in the clink Coke was more the drug of choice. I wasn't really that interested in ruining my septum, thank you very much. Besides, there was plenty of really good acid around."

She rolled her eyes yet again. "Trust everything to come down to your gorgeous face."

"Oh, so you admit I'm gorgeous?"

"Come on Sirius, everyone knows you're hot. Including you, unfortunately."

"Not just some old dude having a mid life crisis now, huh?"

"I have never looked at Sirius Black and thought my what a mighty fine piece of man meat." They both drank. She laughed. "I'm sure that's what you think every time you look in the mirror."

"Only before a night out." He grinned wolfishly at her and drank some more margarita.

"You are so vain." She took a large gulp of her own drink.

"You know, most women would be flat out by now, you've had far too much to drink." She glared at him.

"I have a high metabolism, how else do you think I can have fish and chips for lunch every day without getting fat?"

"You have fish and chips for lunch every day?"

"The place down the road from the ministry is hard to resist. And they do the most amazing smoked fish cakes. It's okay, because I justify it by eating an apple afterward."

He snorted. "I have never eaten takeaways for lunch every day for a week." She took another shot.

"I have never had sex with a different woman every day for a week!" He sighed and followed suit.

"This is ridiculous. The game's not supposed to be about already knowing dodgy shit about people." He refilled his shot glass.

"You started it!" she reached across the table and smacked him on the forehead. He did the same and Hermione blew a raspberry.

"Oh, gee Hermione. Real mature."

"Says the king of Peter Pan syndrome himself."

"Oh, blah." He paused, "Fine, I have never taken a one night stand back to my place." She looked at him. "What? No drink?"

"Sirius, I'm an intellectual man in a woman's body. Do you really think I would be that stupid?"

"So where do you go, then?" The curiosity had clearly gotten the better of him.

"His place."

"So am I to believe that you only have one night stands with effeminate men?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm just very persuasive. And usually mention something about my husband." She gave him a look that wordlessly insinuated his stupidity.

"So that whole Draco Malfoy thing wasn't the only time you've gone behind Ron's back?" He was clearly having difficulty masking the surprise in his voice as the question had come out rather high pitched at the end. She said nothing.

"Your turn."

She pondered for a moment and then the her face lit up as her question came to her. "I have never...been in love with someone and not told them." She drank and watched Sirius carefully. He met her eyes and downed his shot, quickly following it by another.

"What, two women?" She looked at him through hooded eyes and dangled her empty shot glass between two fingers, swinging it carelessly.

"No, just one damned perfect one." His expression closed and she chose not to pursue the matter. Sirius licked his lips and reached for the half empty bottle. As he refilled their glasses he took his turn. "I have never fucked someone technically more than twenty years older than me."

Hermione scowled and drank. "That was a cheap shot."

"But a good one."

"Granted." She sighed and stood, heading for the bathroom. "Back in a mo."


Sirius stood by the bathroom door waiting for her exit. She had been in there far too long and her avoidance led him to an inkling. He listened to the flush and the faucet running and waited patiently for her to exit.

She eventually opened the bathroom door, head bowed, wiping her hands on her jeans. Away briefly in her own world she didn't notice him until she bumped into his chest.

He pushed her back against the closed door, sliding her up until she wrapped her legs around his hips.

"So, Malfoy, huh?" He licked her neck, nipping at her pulse piont gently.

"Sirius, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" She tugged at his hair and pulled his head back until it was level with hers.

"Nothing. Just taking advantage of a drunk chick. Nothing I haven't done before." She laughed and smacked him over the head. "I'm not a drunk chick. Learn to read the signals."

"I love you."

She sighed and ran her hands through his hair, trailing them down the back of his head and eventually around his neck to rest on his collarbone.

"I know."

He leaned forward and rubbed his nose against hers, resting his forehead against hers. Her fingers touched his lips and he let a deep breath, gently caressing the tips of her fingers with his tongue.

She sighed and pulled his mouth to hers, a desperate medley of lips, tongue and teeth. Sucking in her lower lip he bit down and she moaned, threading her fingers back through his slightly shaggy black hair. He pushed her harder against the door and hitched her up higher, reaching for the hem of her shirt he pushed his hands against her abdomen, marvelling at the contrast of soft skin and hard abdominal muscles. He pulled away slightly.

"You've been working out."

She laughed throatily. "I"m a spy, Sirius. It's in the job description."

"God, it's hot," His lips were on hers again and this time he tugged on the collar of her t-sirt, tearing it down the middle. She grunted and bit his lip warning him he would be in trouble for that later. Her head fell back with a thud against the door and his lips fell on her nipples, hastily revealed by rough hands forcing the cups of her bra down.

"Fuck, Sirius," her breaths were coming in gasps and she was struggling to undo the buttons of his white oxford shirt. Before she could get further than the third button, however, a bell tinkled above the fireplace.

Sirius groaned and rested his forehead against the bathroom door.

"Piss off!" He hollered in the direction of the living room.

"It's me, I need you to help me rescue Harry and Ron from Hogsmeade. They've gotten themselves plastered at the Hogs Head and can't apparate home," the exasperated voice of Remus Lupin came clearly through the grate in the fireplace.

Sirius looked at Hermione pointedly and disentangled himself from her legs. She stood shakily and licked her lips. "Wait. Right. There." He gave her a hard nip on her bottom lip and walked briskly into the living room.

"Can't you get one of the twins to help you?" He knew he looked thoroughly shagged and a knowing look from Remus came from the fireplace. The werewolf chuckled.

"I see you're entertaining. I'll call Neville." Sirius sighed in relief and turned distractedly back to the door.

"Good, night Remus." A chuckle came from the fireplace and with a whoosh he knew the disembodied head was gone. "Right where were we..."

The room was empty save from a note on the bathroom door.

My place tomorrow 6pm. Ron's away training for a week.

Sirius smirked. He had never been a one night stand.