In a dark place, where in a grey table lay an old typewriter, I put a paper in it. I sit and then I take a look to my left, while I start to write.
Maxime: You can start when you want, Mr. Narrator…
A grey figure of a man in suit appears in the dark, and he stares you…
Narrator: Greetings, lectors of Sam & Max's fan-fictions. Please take a sit and try to not relax; because the story that our fan-writer is about to tell a terrible combination of a bizarre house with our unusual protagonists. May you'll get clues about to the parody of the story soon…
Maxime: That's why I put this riddle title…(sound of the machine clicking fast) Aaand a little of thunder effect.
THE HOUSE OF MADNESS MAX/THE ABILITY TO READ MINDS AND ASLO TO SEND THROUGHS TO OTHER PEOPLE
The mountains calmed, with the bird singing… All that peace and quiet moment wasted by DeSoto's motor. Running fast, with Max's body in the front of the car making surfing; Sam's drive the old 1960 car to the place of they new mission: a house where people appear or dead or mad. Along with them in the back seats, there's our ever-looking-for-job Sybil and they favorite paranoid, Bosco, dressed as…
Sam: Did you mind to remember me why are you dressing as like a Mexican?
Bosco:(with a big Mexican hat and a red colored poncho) I told you before, they are spying me, amigo! Todos wants me!
Max: Who's that Todos guy?
Sybil:¡LOOK OUT!(the cars stops, there were almost crash to a tree, then they back to the road)¡My gosh, don't you think that you're going too fast, Sam?
Sam: Actually, I'm getting slow.
Max: Yeah, you should had to go with us in REAL missions; when we are in cars races with the mafia or some people we don't know.
Sybil: Emmm… No thanks. Well, tell me more about this house; I need more information if I want to sold it in my new job.
Sam: Well, all that we know by the commissioner is that, the people who ever get in the house ends in to accidents, argues, maniacs with homicides intentions and/or madness.
Max: It reminds me, MY family reunion!
They finally arrives to the big mansion, with three floors; hundred of rooms and a incredible but scary old-haunted-looking. In the front door there's a tall England man with a grey toupee.
England Man: Why, hello there! I'm Mr. Cole.(holding Sybils hand trying to kiss it) And this beauty must be…
Sybil:(turn back her hand before to let the man kiss it)Mrs Sybil Lincon. You know, the ex-president wife…
Max: Who looses the elections by me…
Mr. Cole: Oh, yes yes… You three must be the freelance police…
Sam: Actually, just both us. He's ''Basco'' a mexican who just came with us.
Mr. Cole: Then, why is here?
Sam: Good question…
Max: Must be something about the writer.
Later, Mr. Cole takes the gang a tour of the lodge, close to the axes museum.
Mr. Cole: Well, Mrs Lincon, this house has a quite long and colorful history: It was build on an ancient Indian burial ground and was setting of satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and some Teletubbies episodes.
Max:(grows, looking scared and sick)Oooh… Now I'm not getting to sleep for weeks…
Sam: And what can tell us about the people who went crazy in this house?
Mr. Cole: That's, my friends, it's the same question I ever ask before to sleep…
Max:(with a grin)Really? Mine is ``Why people kills brown bunnies in Easter´´!
Mr. Cole: Even with the rumors… I think it's a nice place to live…
Suddenly they stop front to the elevator, which opens and disgorges a river of blood. Bosco reaction was like a girly and jumps to a chair; the rest well… They are just shocked.
Mr. Cole: Hmmm… That's odd. Normally the blood goes off the last floor.
Sybil: Then we better talk about to reforms. Who's gonna to like a bloody river in the house?
Max:(touching the blood) Vampires? Satanic teenagers?(giving a direct look to Sam) Me?
Sam:(try to ignored that Max's commentary) We like to check the place to verify if this place can be sold of closured.
Mr. Cole: As you like. But, I afraid that I can't stay here; I must to go to another creppy and horrible house to keep.
Max: Michael Jackson's house?
Mr. Cole: Worst… Mine… Where my wife lives…
Then, the England man goes to the exit, leave them alone.
Sam: Well, seems like we're gonna to check this house for clues about to the reason that the last people get to went insane.
Sybil: For me fine, I'll get a look for a telephone to call Abe.
They all leave by themselves, except Bosco, who's stay on the chair.
Bosco: I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW A RIVER OF BLOOD HERE! AY AY AY!
In le second floor, Max leaves the old bathroom. At he's next right there's one of the rooms with a TV.
Max: Hmm… Let's see if I'm in time to see one this reality shows about pathetic people who only wants to get some attention.(he switches the channel, but nothing… Switchs again, but nothing… There's no cable.) Oh…(he hits the television) Come on!(hits harder, feeling angry now…) Okay, you called for it…!(when he was about to get his gun…) Huh? But… Where is it? Where's my gun? I remember to take it before to ride! For once I remember!
At the kitchen Sybil find a phone and now is talking with her husband.
Sybil: It's a nice house Abe. It only needs some reforms, paint and carpets; and like new! I believe that, if at the end nobody wants the house we could keep it for us.
Abe: Why, I don't know… Why we going to need a big house?
Sybil:(playing with the cable between her fingers) Well… It's a nice place to matrimony and kids…
Abe: Wha…?(feeling his voice nervous) I… I wanted that, but… wel…
Suddenly a weird noise appears. Like interferences or something.
Sybil: Abe? Abey, I can't hear you; I think there's something wrong with the phone.(then silence) … Abe…?
Scared, she knock the phone.
Then appear Max.
Max: Hey, Sybil! What's up?
Sybil: Max, something's wrong with the phone, I was talking to Abe but suddenly appear another voice!
He get the phone a put it in he's hear.
Sybil: Well… You're hearing something?
Max: Yes… Someone it's saying… Tuuut. And repeating!
Sybil:(sign) It's nobody…(takes the phone) But I know I heard somebody else…
Max: Whatever… I'm going to get some snack.(he jumps at the table and open the door of the closet whom is on it. He was looking for any junk food but…) What the…? Olives… Yams… Tofu… What the heck it's tofu?(then he jumps to another closet. Nothing but yams cans, olive oil… Jumps to other… And another… He's breathing started to be nervous, almost hysteric.)Arf…Arf… What's the deal to not let some food for us?
Sybil: Have you try the refrigerator?
Max:(he takes a look at it) Oh… I should to look at it before…(he opens the door) Hmmm… I wonder what it's that green thing…
Max:(he's faces turn in shock)
In the gardens, Sam where walking close to a labyrinth brushwood; where he finds a short mole-man.
Sam: Excuse me, can I ask you some questions?
Mole Man: Nope, don't you see I'm working here?
Sam: Yeah, but I need some information about this mansion.
Mole Man:(he turns back)``Just ignore him, Hans, wait the moment that his best friend get crazy and kill him. Then get his purse…´´
Sam: Hey, wait, what you mean that my little buddy it's going to kill me?
Hans: What…? But I didn't…
Sam: And for you information, my purse it's empty.
Hans:(get surprised) You just read my thoughts? You have got ``The ability to read minds and also to send through to other people'' thing!
Sam: That sounds me… But it isn't called ``The shining´´?
Hans: Shush… You want to get sued?(move he's eyes to be sure that nobody's here) I only can tell you 3 thing. One, if you came with a weapon it's probably gone now.
Sam: Gone?(he look at his pockets, and the mole man was right!) Hey, my gun is gone!
Hans:(raised his eyes)Duh… Two, the house has been exposed at to many horrible thing that it went crazy anybody without preference, so it can be anybody… And three, if in a moment you need some help, call me with you mind and I'll go all the fast as I can.(he started to leave, but before to do it…) But not call me at tweleve o'clock. That's a private time!
Meanwhile, Bosco was walking to the corridor. Any step he gives, while he passed the portraits in the wall; he get the anxious feeling to get watched. He started to walk faster… And faster… And faster… THEN!
Bosco:(stops at go the left of the corridor.) Ay, mamacita…
Three little figures, wearing the same blue/white dress, holding by hands and with a dead face.
Soda Popplers: Come to play with us, Bosco… Forever, and ever… and ever…
At the moment that Sam goes inside to the house from the main door…
Sam: Bosco?(he goes at upstairs where he finds Bosco running to him) What happen?
Bosco: It's those guys, man! The Soda guys! In the corridor!
Bosco lead him to the corridor where he finds them, but there's nothing.
Sam: I don't see any Soda Popplers. But I admit that I would freak out also, but…
Bosco: I swear they where here! The three of them! Whit a dead face and wearing a dress!
Sam: … A dress?... I think you get the paranoid mode too many time.
Five minutes later, Bosco and Sam where walking to the kitchen. But Bosco stills saying he's experience with that apparition.
Bosco: … and you guys tell me that they where send to a place from the Hell that they'll never came back, 'cos they dead! So it must to be true what I see!
Sam: Seriously, Bosco, you're the most wacko one in the house.
When they where almost touch the door of the kitchen Sybil goes out completely scared.
Sybil: Thank goodness Sam, you have to do something?(she graps his arm letting in the kitchen)
All the kitchen was a mess, all closets broken, green food on the floor. Sybil points a small thing, laying in the ground, trembling and murmuring…
Sam:(giving slow steps) ¿Max…?
Max: …arf…arf…no tv… no food…no coffee…
Sam:(worried) Little buddy…? What's wrong, with him?
Sybil: Well, as a ex-therapist, I think he need…
Max:(suddenly, jumps to get Sybil with a knife in his hand) I'll KILL YOU! I'll KILL ALL OF YOU!
Sam:(he get Max before he could attack Sybil) MAX! SNAP OUT IT!(and so he said, he snap him)
Max:(suddenly get frozen, he blinks and look around confused) Humm? Did I miss something?
Sybil:(traumatized) Yeah, you try to kill me?
Max: What? But I don't have any personal duties with you!(he takes a look at Sam) Did I?
Sam: No you don't. But a moment ago you seemed more paranoid than Bosco.
Max: But I'm okay… I'm just hungry of junk food, sugar and coffee… And also bored!
Sybil: Then get distracted with anything else except the kitchen's knifes!
Max: Fine… I'll check out the axes collection.(he walk to the door, then his tone changes to one creepy.) See you all later…(he disappears at the door)
Bosco:(trembling) I know that face! It's a killer face. HE'S GOING TO KILL US! KILL US, I TOLD YA!
Sybil:(punch him. Sam gasps)What? Someone has to do it.
Lucky for them, Max get lost and he finds himself at the bar room. He sits at a stool. Then front to his eyes, a ghostly form of a bartender appears; and the most odd was that he just looks like…
Max: Hugh Bliss!
Hugh: Hi, I'm not… I mean: I'm Hugh Bliss. Huhu… What can I do for you, little Max?
Max: Normally, I'll punch you or shot you or snap you… But I'm desperate! Give me a coffee with three tons of sugar!
Hugh: Why sure!(he floats on him, putting his feet to the ears) But first you have to do something… You have to kill your friends.
Max:(gasped shocked) Kill Sam? And also Sybil and Bosco? Why?
Hugh: They would be happier as ghost! As like me!
Max: … So if I kill them they would be like you? No deal!
Hugh:(suddenly he grabbed his fur with the eyes red and a demoniac voice) KILL ALL OF THEM AND YOU CAN EAT, DRINK AND SEE ALL THE JUNK YOU WANT, HECK!
Hours passed, it's already night. Sam, worried to Max, seeks him to anywhere. He ends to a empty room, where there's a table with a typewrites with a paper in it.
Sam: I don't remember this thing when we get it…(he walk at it, and read it) Signed, Max.(then the light of the lighting, shows the walls of the room. All of then writed by cuts. ``No junk tv, no junk food, no coffee, no sugar makes Max goes crazy''. The same message in all the wall.) Holy jumping mother o' god in a side-car with chocolate jimmies and a lobster bib! Max can write?
The door brust open and Sam gasped louder. Max walk slowly to Sam with an insane (more than the usual) look.
Max: Hey, Sam buddy, what you think about what I was doing to pass the time…? … It's almost done… All I need it's a title… I was thinking something like ``No junk Tv, no junk food, no coffee, no sugar makes Max…'' Something something…
Sam:(glups, worried about to what will happen next) Makes Max goes crazy…?
Max:(with a crazy grin) Don't mind if I do!(then screaming and jumping to Sam like a wild rabbit attack him.)
Sam hold Max, who's trying to bite him; then he pushes him and run to the stairs. Next to him there´s a glass case marked ``In case of crazy rabbit broke the glass''.
Sam: Why, what opportune!(he broke it and takes a bat from inside) Max, get away, I don't wanna hurt you!
Max:(walking at him laughing) Give me bat Sam!(Sam swings but not even touch him) Give me the bat! Gimmie gimmie a bat at the moolight! Hahahaha!... Oh wait, it's isn't a song? Whatever, I'm crazy!
Sam:(looking for a way to escape… No way! He can't just fight Max like this! He just can't! Then he saw something; maybe a way to defeat Max)Hey, look at your next.
So Max did. It was just a statue… Of a Teletubbie.
Max: !(he slips and falls to the stairs, ending KO)
Sam takes the unconscious body of the white rabbit into the storage room leaving him there.
Sam: Okay, little buddy; you're going to stay here until we call for help and get out of this creepy house.(before to leave he takes a look to a can) Hummm… Chilly for dinner.(he locks the door)
Minutes later Max wakes up and found himself in the storage room full of food. Like he's easily to get distracted he started to eat some cans of chilly. The doors knock, with a familiar voice.
Hugh: Max? I'm Hugh Bliss. Don't you remember that you have some murders duties?
Max: Can't murder now, I'm eating.
Hugh:(with the demoniac voice) Oh for a crying out loud…
Then he and some other ghost-like-old-enemies came in and drag Max out.
Max: No! Nooo! I wanna eat! Murders deserve a stop to eat! NooooooOOOOOooooooo!
Sam made a meet with Sybil and Bosco in waiting room.
Sam: Okay, I get a call to Flint. He'll came here as fast he can go.
Bosco:(start to pray) Padre nuestro que estas en los cielos, santificado sea tu reino…
Sybil: What are you doing? You're not even catholic!
Bosco: But all Mexican are…
Sam: We just must to be calm and wishing that Max didn't get out from the storage.
In Max's insane face there's a grin and in his hands a big axe. He comes to a door a chop it hard. Through the hole he made he shows his fave.
Max: Heeeeere's… Maxieeeee…(but it's empty. He walks to the next door, chops and again…) Heeeeere's… Maximilan…(another empty door, with the exception of Mr. Spatula) Oh, hi Mr Spatula!(once again, door chop and…) Heeeere's…. Maximus…(another room, but this one dark, with a well dressed grey man and… Hey, it's me!)
Maxime:(looking at Max) They are in five doors at the left.
Max: Thank you!(Now… where wwere we… He finally chops at the right door) Hey there, Doctor Death is in the house!
They all scream and run for they lives, while Max chase them. They hide under the stairs, thunders lights casts Max shadows, and the hide more to the shadow of the stairs. Sybil hold Sam's arm hard and Bosco prays again in Spanish.
Sybil: What we going to do now? We need more help.
Sam: Flint should to be her right now… I guess I have to use my long-name ability to call the mole-man.
Sam then cross-eyed, focusing to send a S.O.S. through to Hans. The mole man was in his modest cabin watching a portative TV and eating Glazed McGuffins… Then suddenly he's eyes widened.
Hans: I've got a mind-mail … … … The big talking dog is in trouble!
He runs at the house letting fall the little TV and the McGuffins in the snow. He quick it and go through.
Hans: Come on, little insane maniac, SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!(Suddenly a axe chops at his back by Max) AAAAHHHHHH….
Sam:(giving a signal) Come on, now that Max is distracted killing that mole!
Hans:(almost dying) Hey, a little of respect to this one who's saving you!
Max, roars high and chase them again. They go out, the snow it's to dense to run. They split up. The funny thing was that Max was to crazy to get stopped by the snow. Sam slips and falls to the snow; Max got the chance to end with his best friends. The long dog try to get up, suddenly he started to hear something; there's a light in the snow.
Max:(next to Sam, raising the axe) I CATCH YOU NOW, FRIEND! AAAAAHHHH!(Sybil saw it and couldn't help to yell of horror… BUT… Suddenly Max stops. In Sam's hands there's something…)
Sam:(in his left hand, there's a portative TV; and at the other hand a box full of Glazed McGuffins) Easy, Max easy… You see? Junk TV and your favorite junk food.(Max was frozen, breathing fast but getting slow at moments that the smell of the muffins goes at his nose) Now, little buddy… Let the axe go slowly and…
Max:(let go the axe and grabbing the tv and the box fast) Mine, mine!
Sam: Seems like he's normal again.
Bosco:(Coming with the cell phone) Flint's not coming! There's too much snow to through the mountains! WE'RE DOOM, HERMANO!(then he find out that nothing odd happen, and Max is watching TV and eating McGuffins in a docile mood) … Never mind…
Sam: Now that, the level of madness of Max turns back in the normal level he use to be; what we're gonna to do with the house?
Sybil: Oh, I know exactly what to do…
Days before, our gang is on the front of the house at day. The young woman gives to Max a detonator. He, with a big grin push the red boton.
Narrator: And so then, the screams and the madness ends buried by the explosion. Seems the end, isn't? But who knows if the cursed illusions, or ghostly enemies will back in other situation… Until then…
Narrator and Maxime: Sleep well…