A Gilderoy Lockhart and Dolores Umbridge Fan Fiction

Dolores felt herself wake up. Every muscle in her body ached, but otherwise she must have been fine. While the Centaurs had scarred her emotionally and mentally, they had left her mostly alive physically. Her mind was still muddled with grogginess, however, and the constant headache refused to pass. She hazarded a peek at her surroundings, opening only her left eye.

"Oh, good morning, there," the voice was loud and annoying, making her headache even worse. It startled her. She barely managed not to cry out as she shot-up from her bed. "You must be another one of my glorious fans, and what might your name be?"

She didn't say anything in response, just stared at the man in the neighbouring bed. His long blond curls bounced as he continued to amuse himself with words. This man was obsessed with the sound of his own voice.

"At a loss for words?" The man said as he sat-up. It was Gilderoy Lockhart, the infamous witch charmer and author of many best-sellers; these were details that failed to impress her. "Oh, yes, I can see why, of course. That seems to happen quite a lot."

"Oh, yummy," Lockhart said merrily. He picked-up a tightly wrapped nutty treat. "The wonderful nurse has left us some breakfast," he tore the wrapper open with his teeth. "She really has the sweetest smile – after me, of course." He leaned toward her. "Rumour has it I won an award in a magazine for my smile," he nodded, and then lifted his hand. "Five times!"

Dolores just blinked. He kept talking. She watched his lips move and move, not hearing a word that came out of his mouth. It was all noise to her. After another five minutes or so, he directed his ramblings at her again.

"Not very talkative, are we?" He said, peeling back the wrapper on his treat. His eyes glowed with excitement. "Shame." He shoved the entire nutty bar in his mouth. For a moment, he was completely silent, save for the occasional smacking of his lips.

She was grateful for the silence. She took the opportunity to open her own treat.

"Finally," she grumbled, "Some peace and quiet." She took a nibble; it was sweet and full of a healthy variety of nuts. Gilderoy stood over her and, without warning, took a bit of her nutty bar. Now she was beyond annoyed. She was irritated.

"You could sell that, you know," Lockhart went on. "It could make you quite wealthy." She grimaced at the implication that his bite of her snack made it valuable. While she recognised him, his fame had died several years before. "I hear I'm very famous, did you know that?" Had he really forgotten or was he just playing innocent? She found that she didn't really care.

She looked down at her nutty treat and amused herself with the fact that it was nutty, as was her room-mate. In this way the bar and the lunatic next to her were alike. She sat the treat down on the table; her face, though mostly devoid of expression, was marked by contempt.

"Oh, there's no need to thank me," said Lockhart. "I'd do just about anything I could for a woman in your position."

Umbridge was quite confused at his statement. Just what was he implying? She very much wish that she had her wand at the moment. As the minutes on the clock continued to pass, she found herself more and more agitated.

Finally, as if out of nowhere, she stood and snatched the lamp on the table beside her breakfast and brandished it for a moment. Gilderoy was clueless. He didn't even blink as she swung it at his head. His head made a very satisfying thump as it hit the ground. She stood over him; his smile had not disappeared. He had the same dumb grin on his face as before.

She wanted out of here.

Author's Note: I've had the outline for this story for about two years... I just never felt the desire to write it. I hope you enjoyed it!