Warning: This is a crackfic! Beware the AU and slight OOCness.

Story Time with 1

7 knocked on 1's door.

"Come in!" 1 called.

"Hey 1. Thanks for agreeing to take care of the twins for me," 7 gleamed waltzing into 1's house.

"Of course. You know how I just…err…love your little darlings," 1 said drolly looking down into the giant blinking eyes of 3 and 4.

"Well, have fun kids," 7 smiled kissing the twins on their foreheads.

"Wait! Uh, what do I do with them?" 1 asked frantically.

"Oh, why don't you entertain them with one of your fascinating stories?" 7 suggested sarcastically.

1 mused. He did have rather fascinating stories.

7 shook her head and walked out the door. 1 sat down in his special red arm chair and watched as the twins began to catalog a very expensive vase.

"Eh, hem!" 1 coughed.

The twins stopped what they were doing and sat down.

"Now, I'm aware that you two are very interested in the past and I'm sure you're only hoping to hear about my past experiences," 1 grinned.

The twins looked at each other. Their eyes flickered before they turned back to 1 and shook their heads.

1 frowned. "Well, I'll have you know that back in my day, everything was much better than it is now I can assure you! The sun was brighter, the grass was greener, and there was a distinct lack of 9!" 1 grimaced at the name.

The twins cocked their heads in confusion.

"Allow me to explain…" 1 said leaning back in his chair a' he began to spin his tale.

Several years ago, 1 was walking merrily through a meadow. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, everything was right with the world.

1 beamed. It was good to be alive.

Just then, a burlap stitchpunk with a giant gold zipper skipped his way. "Hi!" the creature greeted. "I'm 9!"

"Well, hello 9," said 1 not looking particularly interested in seeing the newcomer.

"Hey! You're dressed like a pope! Are you a pope?" 9 asked.

"Yes," 1 answered shortly.

"Cool. Do you do a lot of pope things?" 9 asked eagerly.

"Well, considering pope-like things are required of a pope I would have to say the answer is yes,"1 said.

"Neat," 9 grinned.

They stared at each other for a good ten minutes before 1 decided to break the ice by saying: "Good bye."

"Hey! Do you know where I could find this fortune teller? He's supposed to be really good and I have a lot of questions for him," 9 said.

"Oh, I'm sure you do…" 1 muttered.

"His name is 6. He lives in a suburb called 'the source'," 9 said reading a piece of paper.

1 knew all too well who 6 was. He was his neighbor after all. 1 was not up for having 9 be in his neighborhood. There was something about him. Something…annoying.

"So do you know where he lives?" 9 asked.

"Nope," 1 said and he continued walking.

"Hey! Can I come with you?" 9 asked.

"Hah?" 1 asked.

"Where are you going anyway? Are you going off to church or something because you're a pope? Or are you taking a break from being a pope? Hey! If you take a break from your job does that mean you're still a pope?" 9 asked following close behind the elder stitchpunk.

1 cringed. He now knew why he didn't like 9. He asked too many questions.

"Do you like ice cream? Because I hear there's this place that sells ice cream close by," 9 said.

1 hummed. He was in the mode for some ice cream.

So the two of them went to the ice cream parlor. 9 got a large cone of strawberry. 1 got a small cup of vanilla.

"Why'd you get a small cup? Are you afraid if you get a cone you'll get all messy? And why's it small? Can you not have a lot of ice cream because you're old?" 9 asked.

1 shot 9 a nasty look and went to sit down at a table. 1 began eating his ice cream slowly as 9 began noisily eating his cone. 1 twitched as 9 splattered strawberry ice cream all over the place.

"Ugh! Ju-Get a napkin, will ya?" he cried.

9 looked up from his cone. His mouth was caked with ice cream. He got up and got two napkins. He handed one to the pope doll.

"I don't need one," 1 scoffed.

"Oh, alright," 9 said wiping his mouth off.

When they were done eating, 1 looked at the clock. It was around the time that 8 would come over to clean his house.

"Well, that was fun, I guess, but I best be off," 1 said standing up.

9 followed.

"Gah, why are you following me?" 1 bellowed.

"Because I wanna see what you're gonna do,"9 answered bluntly.

1 twitched. "Ugh! Fine! Just…don't touch anything!" he said.

When they got to 1's house, 9 immediately began touching things.

"Oh! What's this do? OH! What's this do? OHH! What's this do?" 9 asked pressing every button and flipping every switch he could find.

"God, I hate you," 1 mumbled.

Suddenly, the door bell rang. 9 answered it. 8 stood in the doorway wearing a French maid's costume.

9 was about to ask when 8 said: "I'd rather not talk about it."

"Oh, good! You're here. I need you to clean out the bathrooms and my bedroom," 1 said sitting in his special chair.

8 nodded and headed upstairs. 9 followed him. 1 sighed in relief. Now 9 wouldn't bother him anymore.

Just then, there was an explosion from upstairs. 1 rushed to the first bathroom and saw 8 and 9 covered in water. The toilet was broken and spewing up water. "What happened?" 1 cried.

8 pointed to 9. "I just wanted to see what would happen if I flushed it ten times in a row."

1 smacked his forehead. 8 picked up his cleaning supplies and looked at 1. "This is SO not worth twenty bucks an hour." And he left.

"Great! Now who's gonna clean my house?" 1 cried.

"I'll do it!" 9 offered.

"NO! No…uh…that's fine I…"

1 realized 4 had fallen asleep.

"Hey! I'm telling a story here!" 1 spat.

3 nudged 4 and 4 woke up abruptly.

"As I was saying…" 1 continued.

1 brought 9 into the living room and sat him down on the couch."Here!" he thrust the remote into 9's hand. "Watch some T.V."

9 marveled at the remote and turned on the T.V. He flipped through several channels as 1 walked into the kitchen and picked up the phone.

"Hello! Cat Beast Cleaning Service! How may I help you?" the Cat Beast at the end of the line asked.

"I need a new cleaning servant. 8 just walked out on me," 1 said.

"Alright, a new cleaning boy will be over in just a bit," the Cat Beast said.

1 hung up and turned to see 9 holding a broken remote and smiling sheepishly. "I was trying to open it to see how it worked."

"You don't know how a remote works?" 1 raged.

9 shook his head.

1 twitched as the door bell rang.

9 opened to door to see 5 dressed in a French maid outfit holding a mop. "My life sucks," he said.

"I can see that," 9 said.

1 escorted 5 into the house. "Okay cleaning boy, you have a broken toilet to clean."

"How's he going to clean it?" 9 asked. "Does he have super magic cleaning abilities?"

"No, I just have a mop…" 5 said.

"Well that's gonna be awfully hard. Why don't I help you?" 9 asked.

5 beamed but 1 jumped in. "NO! No…uh…it's alright 9 I think 5 can handle it himself."

"Actually, I could use some help," 5 pointed out.

"I'm not paying you to have help," 1 stated.

"I'll help him. It's no trouble at all," 9 said.

"That's what you say now…" 1 muttered.

9 and 5 went up to the bathroom. It was quiet for a while save the T.V. that 1 couldn't seem to switch off even manually. Suddenly:


1 ran upstairs. The sink had broken. 5 pointed at 9.

"All I did was turn the knob…" 9 said holding up the faucet handle.

1 smacked his forehead when suddenly there was a knock at the door. 1 raced down stairs (hoping it was the police to take 9 away). Instead it was 2.

"2?" 1 asked as 9 and 5 came down the stairs.

"I want the boy back!" 2 ordered stamping his foot.

"FINE! Take him!" 1 said thrusting 9 into 2's arms.

"Not him!" 2 cried pushing 9 back into 1 and grabbing 5's arm."Let's go home 5."

"Oh, 2!" 5 cried joyously kissing 2 passionately on the lips.

9 was about to ask when 2 answered: "It's a long story…" And they left.

"NO! PLEASE! TAKE HIM WITH YOU!" 1 cried hopelessly.

"Why do you want me to leave so bad?" 9 asked feeling a bit hurt.

1 wheeled around to face him. "Because, you've been driving me MAD ALL DAY! Ever since you got here everything has been unraveling! You're a curse! A fool! Guided by pointless queries!" he bellowed.

9 looked confused. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Asking questions! So many pointless questions! Always probing and pushing and…!"

There was a knock at the door. 1 opened it to see 6.

"What do you want?" 1 asked.

"I had a vision that 9 wanted to see me," 6 said.

"I'm 9!" 9 said.

"I know! I just came to tell you that I'm out of the fortune telling business. I've decided to pursue a career as an artist," 6 gleamed holding up a paint brush covered in different colors of paint.

"But can't I ask you at least ONE question?" 9 pleaded.

"NO! No more questions!" 1 cried.

"I already know your question 9 so I might as well answer it," 6 said. "The answer is yes, you will be with the love of your life!"

9 jumped in the air with joy and kissed 1 on both cheeks. 1 twitched as 9 bounced out the house spinning and twirling with delight. 6 closed the door behind him.

Still twitching, 1 said: "Well, at least he's out of my hair now…"

"And that's what happened when I met…9!" 1 grimaced again.

The twins looked at each other in confusion.

Just then, the front door burst open and 9 walked in. "Hey 1!"

"9? Wh-what are you doing here?" 1 gasped in horror.

"I just came to pick up the twins," 9 said hoisting 3 and 4 into his arms.

"Wait…these are your children?" 1 asked.

"Well, yeah. I mean what? Did you think 7 had an immaculate conception or something?" 9 asked laughing a little.

"One can only hope apparently," 1 muttered bitterly.

"Well, I'll se ya around, dad-in-law," 9 smiled slamming the door behind him. The force of the door shutting caused a couple of pictures hanging on the wall to fall off.

1 twitched. "D-dad-in-law? NOOOOOOOOOOO!"


I dunno, I was inspired by some crackfiction I found on here. XD I'll post something more serious later. ^^