A/N I hope everyone likes it. Happy reading!
Summary: She instantly flashed back to the intense and disturbing conversation they had shared only a few weeks before and suddenly she knew – there was only one way to snap him out of it. Centered around Martha and the Doctor talking about Doctor/Rose. Set during Human Nature (and kind of during Evolution of the Daleks)
Disclaimer: I own no rights to Doctor Who
Never Right, Not Okay
"I love him to bits and I hope to god he won't remember me saying this but-" The desperate girl was cut off by the unfamiliar imitation of her Doctor that stood in front of her.
"No!" John Smith yelled, tears pooling in his eyes and threatening to spill over at any moment as his gaze shot around the room erratically before falling back and landing on Martha's. He held up his hands, almost like he was attempting to create a wall between them, to keep out her words, words which he somehow knew to be the truth. But just knowing it was the truth wasn't enough because he could feel it, in his chest; something was missing, something that was completely and unforgivably… gone. Something both physical and mental that would fill the question he had always asked himself: Who am I?
But in that moment of insanity and pressure and, somehow, understanding he didn't want to know. Not now, he thought as he looked up and caught Joan's soft, sad stare.
Though as his eyes settled on her something completely unexpected and intense welled within him. Suddenly a white hot flash of betrayal and hatred washed over him, almost strong enough to send him to his knees, breath coming in shorter pants as he ripped his eyes forcefully away and gasped in what air he could. His thoughts were a blur as he tried to come up with some reason, any reason, why he would feel such violent emotions, especially when he realized that they were not directed at Joan, but at himself.
He was angry with himself. Joan – she wasn't right.
Martha watched his reaction and in the moment he pulled his gaze away from the Matron and stumbled backwards the look on his face was so familiar and heart breaking that she simultaneously felt like bursting into tears and laughing with joy, because it was a look she had seen so very many times before.
She instantly flashed back to the intense and disturbing conversation they had shared only a few weeks before and suddenly she knew – there was only one way to snap him out of it.
They had just defeated the Daleks, exhausted and battle weary, and Martha watched from the captain's seat as he walked around the controls of the TARDIS, noticing he wasn't nearly as energetic as he usually was, even after the toughest of adventures. She thought back through the past few days and shuddered in horror at some of the memories that swarmed unwillingly through her mind.
Of course the Daleks and Dalek humans were a part of it, no monster could compare, but there was one other thing that kept nagging at the back of her mind, telling her that it was dangerous and she should beware; the Doctor. The look on his face, the sound of his shouts as he beat his chest and faced their tormentors with such fury and disregard for his own life.
She always knew that when he smiled or hugged her, or when he complimented something she did, he wasn't seeing her, she had even begun to try and accept it. But now she knew beyond all else that their latest romp through time and space had taught her that all his words were forced, that even the memories of his mysterious "Rose" were not enough to sustain a real smile, let alone a laugh.
He needed her. She had thought it was just a matter of time that, of course, the Doctor wanted Rose but when he gave up on getting her back he would heal. But it didn't happen and she began to realize it wouldn't either, because it went so far beyond just a simply want, he physically, emotionally, mentally and any other possibly way you could think of, genuinely needed her.
And now, she wanted and needed to know why, no matter how much it hurt.
His back was facing her now as he stared at the monitor, not touching anything, just looking. She stood and walked to him, contemplating laying her hand on his arm that he was bracing himself with against the console, rejecting the idea as he flinched every time she tried to touch him, unless the situation was urgent and it was entirely necessary.
Instead she settled for calling out his name softly as she drew a bit closer, trying to catch his eyes unsuccessfully. "Doctor?" she kept her voice low, trying not to startle him if that was even possible.
He didn't move an inch, arms widespread and straight, leaning of the TARDIS either side of his now slouched body and downcast face.
"Sometimes Martha," he spoke in a low almost-whisper that was surprisingly steady from what she expected. "Sometimes I wish for death."
She stopped breathing, waiting and terrified, not bothering to question why he was telling her this. It was obvious he had been heading towards a break down soon; even Time Lord's can't escape a broken heart… or hearts.
"I wish because I think this is too far and maybe… just maybe even wherever you go when you die might be closer to her than this." Martha felt tears welling in her eyes and swallowed thickly to avoid them, knowing that for once she had to be the strong one because he couldn't hold himself together anymore.
"Where is she Doctor?" she dared to whisper, not wanting to break the flow of information. As soon as the words passed her lips his eyes shot to her for a millisecond and images flashed past through her head at lightening speed, her brain somehow comprehending them all, her eyes squeezed shut as she became dizzy with confusion.
She saw silver metal robots marching in formations all around the world and the more familiar Daleks with a blonde girl and dark boy in their midst. She saw the same young blonde, this time wearing 3D glasses, skipping towards the Doctor who had a smile on his face, identical to the girls, which Martha didn't recognize as they spoke. She saw him send her away and her return, listened to their short but intensely personal conversation before they prepared the room. She saw them clutching onto huge magnets attached to the walls as their enemies flew past them and the horrified look on the Doctors face when the girl, who was obviously Rose, let go to grip the lever and push it back into place. She saw her fall and as her vision faded back to the TARDIS she could hear their combined screams of fear, agony and loss.
Her previous words of comfort were lodged in her throat as it seemed impossible for anything she could say to actually make a difference. She looked up at his face and was shocked ever further to see slow tears making tracks silently over his cheeks.
"Her father came back to get her, transported her back to the parallel world. I burnt up an entire sun to say goodbye, which created a black hole that will eventually damage something in this universe." His voice dropped into a whisper again. "A whole sun and all we got was three minutes."
Finally his position changed. It was almost as if he crumbled in on himself, sliding to the floor as he wrapped his arms around his bent legs and hid his face in his knees, unable to completely block the noise of his faint, almost silent, sobs.
She dared not touch him, but sat next to him in the silence, TARDIS keeping a constant soothing hum above them, and she let her own tears fall, thinking about everything since when she had joined the Doctor and hating herself for ever being jealous of Rose and resentful of the man beside her.
"Martha." He mumbled, face lifting to look at her with terrified, wet and pleading eyes. "I have to find a way. The only way I know how to live anymore is with her," his voice gaining strength and a frightening honesty as he uttered his next sentence. "I don't care if it rips two universes apart, if I have to I'll do it. Nothing will keep me from her."
Her eyes widened as she stared. The idea was horrible, tragic and so un-Doctor-like, even combining with the evil they fought against every other day. But she knew he would do it, it wasn't a bluff because it wasn't just a want, she reminded herself again, if it ever was. He needed her and Martha was sure she needed him just as much.
After that he'd gone back to hiding, pretending to be happy and she let him, even though she knew he hadn't slept a wink since, using his nights to accomplish his most impossible feat yet.
So as she looked at John Smith she moved forward quickly and grasped his shoulder, looking him square in the eye and speaking urgently.
"That, you felt that didn't you." Her eyes flicked over to the matron for just long enough to make sure he understood what she was saying. "You know it's not right and even with the Doctor still trapped in the watch the one thing that you will always know and feel is that it will never be right without her."
John Smith's body quivered beneath her hands as he looked into her eyes pleadingly, arms wrapped around himself to try and stop the undecipherable feeling welling up more intensely inside of him.
"Who?" He quietly pled with her, remembering his dreams and already knowing but needing to hear it, out loud.
She didn't answer his question but continued, trying to get her whole point across. "The thought of falling in love never even crossed the Doctor's mind because it had already happened and the thought that he would forget her and end up with some one else was one of the most unbearable things he could ever think about." She vaguely saw the matron cover her mouth with a hand, tears shining in her eyes as she backed away from the scene but knew she had to continue. "You know it's the truth, you need her, no matter who you are, John Smith or the Doctor."
"Say it," John Smith forced out, eyes shining with painfully tears that while she hated seeing, knew it was a sign that the Doctor was returning.
"Rose Tyler." She spoke the name clearly and watched with regretful tears rolling down her cheeks as he pulled away from her hands, the dislike of being touched back, squinted his eyes shut and clutched at his heart in his chest, gasping as his other automatically found the button on the fob watch and pushed it down, golden light streaming through the air all around him before soaking into him, flashes of a beautiful blonde face occupying every inch of his mind.
As soon as the last remnants disappeared his posture straightened and stiffened. He looked up, eyes darkening shades at a time as he marched out of the room without a second glance, fob watch still clutched tightly in his white fist.
She watched in abject horror as he disposed of the family, emotion never showing in any facet of his stern face. She stayed in the TARDIS when he returned to the house to say farewell to the matron, but he was back within a two minutes and when he stepped back into the console room his face was now covered in self-disgust; whether it be for hurting an innocent woman, or letting himself fall in love with someone else she didn't know and wouldn't ask.
He went to the rotor and sent the TARDIS into the vortex. Martha turned to leave, knowing he'd want to be alone, probably ending up in her predecessors bedroom as she had caught him doing many times after days he seemed to remember her even more than usual.
Just as she was about to step out of the room he softly called her name. She spun on the spot, hand on the open doorknob, to look at him with willingness to do anything he needed of her, knowing it would take him longer to recover this time as he stared down at a crumpled photograph in his hand, only one person in the picture.
He didn't turn to face her but when he spoke his words were filled with emotion and probably the most sincere he had ever been with her.
"Thank you." She acknowledged his words with a simple nod of her head, knowing though he wasn't facing her he would know her response, and quietly left the room hoping tomorrow would be a better day.
A/N So I hope you liked it. I was a bit pointless because it doesn't really change anything but it popped into my head and I'm getting into a habit of writing down everything that pops into my head. Then I decided it was good enough to go up so I hope you agree. Sorry for any mistakes, I have no Beta, but please don't offer, I look over my work as much as I can so I hope grammar and spelling and stuff is okay.