Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers Hetalia or any of its characters.
Eight Simple Rules For Dating Canada
1. Don't even think about it.
It was a common detail that many countries would like to date Canada.
They simply don't. Out of fear of their lives.
It's not that Canada herself was mean, scary, crazy or dangerous. In fact, she was quite the opposite.
Friendly, sweet and polite. Happy to share her pancakes and maple syrup and welcome anyone who came to her borders and land.
Cute as a button and with one smile, she could make them want to hug her and never let her go.
No, Canada was a perfect, prime candidate to date.
It was her brother that stopped them for doing so.
2. Seeing how you didn't listen to the first rule, remember that I have nukes.
Of course, there would be the braver countries who dared to. After all, this was Canada that they were talking about.
They likened her to a forbidden fruit. Once you realized that you cannot have Canada, it made you want to have her even more.
It was a tease.
To see if they could brave through the daunting trials to claim the prize. It would be worth it in the end, because Canada's cute little smile and her homemade pancakes with maple syrup would be the ultimate reward.
But they would have to get past her big, bad brother America first.
Who had plenty of nukes. And wasn't afraid to flaunt them in their faces if they even moved an inch closer towards Canada.
Canada was cute and all, but it wasn't worth having a nuclear war over.
Well, just maybe a little ...
3. Looking at Canada in any other way that is not chaste or platonic will result in a missing eye.
Netherlands had been talking with Canada quite casually like they usually did, when the stack of papers and notes from Canada's hands slipped and stumbled to the floor.
" The papers!" Canada squeaked, bending down to get them, innocently not realizing that as she leaned forward, her blouse also fluttered forward and a discernible shadowing curve of her chest could be seen.
And Netherlands happened to look, a blush decorating his cheeks.
And America happened to see him looking, frightfully enraged.
Hence America tying him to a chair minutes later, threatening him with a very, very sharp poker.
4. Touch Canada inappropriately in any way and you will lose that hand.
Most countries could have sworn that America had stream pouring out of his ears in anger.
It didn't help matters that France had kissed Canada on the cheek, causing her to flush red and stammer incoherently. And it really didn't help that he had his arms wrapped around her slender shoulders, drawing her unwillingly close to him, much to her discomfort.
" Your hair is very becoming," France was saying, lowering his voice to a smooth drawl, his breath tickling Canada's right ear. His hand was stroking through her hair as he spoke, caressing through the silky, golden strands. " Much like mine."
" M-m-merci," she mumbled.
He beamed. " You accent is very cute, ma cherie." A lithe finger tilted Canada's chin towards him, curling lightly over her pale skin, brushing against the soft, exposed flesh that was growing increasingly warm under his touch.
Unable to watch Canada being molested any longer, America discreetly made his way behind France and casually stuck out his foot, causing him to yelp in surprise as he stumbled gracelessly onto the ground, letting go of Canada in the process.
" You need to be more careful, France," he innocently suggested, with mock concern in his voice, taking Canada's wrist and dragging her away, from the spluttering France.
5. Doing anything immoral and corrupt to Canada will result in your immediate death.
" What do you mean I can't visit Canada?" Cuba seethed.
America was barely fazed, barely moving from his seat in front of Canada's border. " Canada doesn't allow Commies like you to enter," he calmly intoned.
" Liar! I went to her house last week."
He stood up, eyes blazing. " You saw her without my permission?" he hotly demanded.
" Why do I need your permission to see Canada?" Cuba sneered.
" I'm the one asking the questions here!" he snapped. " Why were you seeing Canada?"
Cuba threw his hands in the air in exasperation. " Why should I tell you? And it's not like you don't know what we do. We did it plenty of times before."
He gasped, drop dropping, his eyes widening in shock. Rather, he looked much like a child who had been told that Santa Claus or the tooth fairy didn't exist. In fact, he was so taken back it appeared he couldn't even speak.
" Frankly, I'm surprised that Canada hasn't told you yet." Cuba shrugged, unintentionally implying the worst to Canada's crazy, paranoid brother. " Everyone else knows that we always - "
No sooner than those words left his mouth, America grabbed him and slammed to the nearest wall. " You did WHAT to Canada?" he yelled.
Utterly confused, Cuba snapped back, his temper rising. " What's the matter with you?"
" How dare you do that – that sort of thing to Canada!" America growled. His grip tightened on the front of his shirt, his fists shaking in anger. " I knew you were rotten, but I didn't think you would sink that low to take advantage of my sister that way!" His teeth were gritted so hard that Cuba could hear them rattling. " To take away Canada's honour and chastity like that ..."
There was a slight pause.
" I DIDN'T DO THAT WITH CANADA, YOU IDIOT! I WAS TALKING ABOUT ICE CREAM!"
6. Bring her back in a less than perfect state than when I last saw her and war will be declared on you.
" What did you do to her?"
" America, calm down -"
" I won't calm down until you tell me what you did to her!"
" America ..."
" Don't talk, Canada. You're going to be just fine, all right? Do you hear me? You're going to be fine."
" She's not dying, you git!"
" She would have, no thanks to you."
" America ..."
" You have to save your strength, Canada! I'll make sure England pays for what he did to you. I won't rest until revenge has been taken. A hero will never break his promise!"
" For the love of God, it's just a scone!"
" That was the problem!"
7. Make Canada cry and I'll make you cry.
" Yo, Canada! Did you make pancakes with maple syrup yet?" Prussia yelled out from across the field and into the open window of her window.
" It's two in the afternoon!" she shouted back. " Of course, I made them."
Grinning, he waved her over. " Then bring them out already!"
Ten minutes later, Canada came out, balancing all the plates and much to Prussia's delight, with two extra large bottles of maple syrup in her hands. Before the pancakes even found their way to the picnic table set between them, he had already snatched it and a bottle of maple syrup out of her hands and began gobbling up the pancakes in record time.
" There's no rush." Canada settled herself comfortably at the table. She took off her glasses, still smeared of flour, and cleaned them with her skirt. " The pancakes aren't going away, you know," she teased.
" Whah ls bah meh stolmac!" Prussia said unbashfully, food flying from his mouth.
Unfortunately for Canada, some food hit her in the face, particularly at her now exposed eyes.
" Hey! You all right?" Prussia hastily swallowed his food.
" I'm all right," she smiled, quickly grabbing a handful of napkins and trying to clean up her face. " Don't worry. Some just got in my eye."
Unfortunately for Prussia, America happened to be walking by that instant and saw that his sister had tears behind her eyes as she hurriedly tried to brush them away.
Within seconds, Prussia found himself flattened on the picnic table, with a gun pointed at his head, America snarling death threats under his breath and Canada desperately trying to explain things to her brother.
8. If you can't remember any other rule, remember this ...
" Canada~!" America chirped loudly, flinging himself into Canada. She squeaked out a protest (a rather adorable sound, by the way) and found herself tied up by his arms, unable to move. " I'm hungry! Let's go out for lunch!"
" B-but I have a meeting with Australia right now." She indicated beside her, where the nation's previous smile at the light conversation he was having with Canada immediately transformed into a scowl at the sight of her brother.
" Oh, he won't mind." America's smile widened. His eyes glinted dangerously towards Australia, without Canada realizing it. " Will he?" he added with a darker tone.
Gritting his teeth, Australia could only shake his head in silent reply. Either way, no matter how he protested, America would find a way to silence him and it would ultimately result with Canada going out to lunch with America and him with many painful holes in his body.
Better to just let America get his way without compliant than to suffer along the way needlessly.
" Perfect!" America grinned. He looped an arm around Canada's shoulders. " Come on! Let's go to McDonalds. My treat!"
Taking her arm, he began leading her away, despite her protests, promptly brushing past Australia without a single word and any other nation who could only moodily stand back and watch as a half-exasperated, half-amused smile dashed across Canada's face, setting her cheeks aglow and her eyes crinkling in mirth. Her soft laughter could be heard throughout the room and they all dismally sighed that it could been them holding Canada's hand and treating her out for lunch.
As if he couldn't resist rubbing it in their faces, America turned his head around and shot them all a devious wink as he and Canada left together, making a clear, bold statement that made their shoulders slump in frustration and despair, letting them know full well that they stood no chance against him.
... Canada is mine.