HELLO MATH WAS AWFUL AND I FEEL AWFUL.
But since I'm here I thought I'd post this. It's something I just wrote spontaneously during a break between lessons so it may be terrible…Nevertheless, please read and review 'cos your comments make happier than you can imagine:D
This is a 56Lal. Future Arc, shortly after Colonello's death (shudder).
Lastly, the usual disclaimer: KHR belongs to Amano-sensei and obviously not me! Enjoy!
The pieces of brown paper on the wooden desk fluttered just slightly as she entered the study and shut the door. Losing its balance, the fountain pen that had been laid neatly on the parchment rolled to the side and fell to the floor, breaking the empty silence that had been occupying the room till that moment. The female walked towards the desk and dropped a camouflage-patterned bandanna and a small, old-looking box beside the blank lined papers before bending down to pick up the pen that had fallen at her feet and placing it at its original position. She sat down on the chair and played with the edges of the papers with her fingers, paying little attention to what she was doing. Her eyes narrowed, deep in thought.
Sometimes, she hated letters. She had always disliked those that were filled with so much meaningless drabble and false politeness, being bombastic and lengthy but very much lacking in depth, like that letter she had received many years ago, informing her of her father's untimely death.
Yet there she was, about to write a letter to someone who no longer existed.
Words could not describe her feelings. They would never be able to. But there was nothing else she could do to release the emotions inside her, and so she let out a deep breath and picked up the pen.
The pen hovered over the paper, wavering just slightly as it touched the first line with its tip.
There was nobody else around, and nobody to see. She told herself not to care.
And she began writing.
It's been a while since you've left. How are you? Is it all fine there? Hope you're alright.
She stared at her first sentences. This seemed so unlike her…yet…she had meant all of those words. All of them. Wholeheartedly. She knew she was known as being an extremely no-nonsense woman, but at times like these she just had to let go and do what she wanted to do, and write what she wanted to write.
So she continued.
What's it like there? Is it cold? Warm? Are the people there nice? Are there even people? Or is it just you? Please say you're not lonely.
How I wish I could see what it's like up there. Or is it down?
But will you ever reply?
Does heaven have messengers that deliver letters to and fro? Do they provide you with paper and ink? Typewriters? Computers and printers, even?
Will I ever hear from you again?
Her hand trembled.
I'll say it. I want a reply from you. I'm going to wait for your letter and I won't rest until you give me answers to my questions. All of them. You heard me?
I believe my words are reaching you right now as I write. Can you hear them? See them? Feel them?
Can you feel my heartbeat? See my scars, see my tears? I'm waiting for a "yes". Don't ignore me. I'm going to punish you when I see you next.
But when will that be?
Lately I've been thinking about when "that" will be. Everyone's gone already, and it feels as though I'm one of the last ones left. I know you would say I'm being paranoid, but it's true. I am dying. I can feel it. In fact, as I write this letter, I'm feeling my body tingle when it's not supposed to, and my breath is harder to catch every passing day. I can say these things in this letter, because you're the only one in the world I can tell.
Are you listening?
I can say so many things in this letter that I'd never tell anyone alive. Since you no longer…alive…
Pulling the green and brown-patched bandanna to herself, she bit her lip.
No shame. She would write this letter with no shame, and that was something she had promised herself with her dying will.
Okay. I miss you. I really, freaking miss you. I wish you'd just come back and tell me what I want to hear. It's like you wanting to hear what you'd always wanted to hear from me.
I never did say it, did I?
I'm sorry if I didn't treat you like I should have. I'm sorry I never praised you. I'm sorry for never wishing you good luck. At all. I'm really, really sorry.
And I'm so sorry I never said goodbye.
I didn't go to your funeral, okay? It was so small and upsetting; I couldn't bear to go. Maybe you don't know, but it flooded that day. I thought you deserved something better. Something…better…
The grip on the bandanna tightened.
That despicable asshole you went up against. He's a mass-murderer, no matter what justification he has. He's unforgivable. I hate him. And you, weak student! I should have been harder on you! How could he have been better than you? COLONELLO! ANSWER ME! WHAT WENT WRONG?
Another pause as the blue-haired woman shook her head to herself, holding back.
Alright! I'm lonely. I said it. I'm lonely and I want to see your face again-your eyes, your mouth…your smile…everything. All I have now is your bandanna and your pacifier, and that just brings back bad memories. I don't want those memories. I. WANT. YOU. And I'm not embarrassed as I write this because I'm the only person who will ever see this. And you, too…
Yes, I want you. Not just memories. I want to see you in person. Thoughts aren't enough. Dreams aren't enough. You got me?
Without warning, tears had fallen, wetting parts of the paper.
Stupid, foolish student! How could you let yourself get killed? HOW? And by some asshole's hand too! You really are terrible! You should have trained harder! Yeah right, I'm going to say what I want, because this is a LETTER and you're DEAD.
And the truth dawned on her. He really was dead. The grip on her pen tightened more than ever, and she made herself write her next words slowly so as to prevent her hand from shaking too much and spoiling the letter.
I've always wanted to apologize for one more thing.
I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess. Foolish man. Wasn't it your fault you became an arcobaleno and not mine? Were you unaware of the consequences of taking my place? You should have been selfish for once and kept to your own things.
But you didn't.
Why? Why didn't you? You took my place and cursed yourself. Why didn't you leave me to be?
More tears fell as she thought more and more about the whole matter.
She put the bandanna close to her face, feeling the fabric as nostalgia ran through her.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry anymore. I'm just frustrated and upset and you, of all people, would understand why. Are you saddened? Are you crying? Because I am. Does heaven even allow people to be sad? I don't know.
I'm probably never going to know, huh.
So I'm not going to mail this letter. I'm not ever going to put a stamp on or write an address, because I don't exactly know where you are now.
All I know is that you're not in this world anymore, and I guess that's accurate enough.
Instead, I'll burn it, and hopefully it'll reach you…
This is the end of it. I'll probably never see you or hear your voice again. Ever. But I can't stop thinking about you. And I never want to stop, no matter what anyone says. Urgh, it's all your fault I'm crying! I hate you, Colonello! I hate you so much!
She didn't want to be honest with her feelings anymore. It felt painful.
But she knew that if she could finish the letter, the pain would go away.
I love you.
…she'd be honest.
And that's what I've always wanted to say.
And, amidst her grief and tears, she smiled to herself; looking at the bandanna she held in her other hand.
For she could see the smile of her student in it.
Thanks for reading! If you could review it'd make my day, really:) (See that button down there? That one that says "Review this Story"? Yup, that's the one.)
I really love this pairing, and I don't know if it's just me, but I'd really love to see them kiss…which isn't extremely possible but I guess a fangirl can dream!
Check out my other fics if you can, and have a great day:D