Noah Puckerman does not like not knowing things.
So when things between Finn and Kurt went from come-near-me-and-I'll-rip-your-head-off one day to yeah-you-can-totally-borrow-my-car-on-Saturday the next, Puck knew he had missed something. But hey, Finn was a complete softie and Hummel totally had a thing for him, so it was probably just genetically impossible for either one of them to stay mad at each other for more than three hours.
He was so wrong it was painful.
A week later, Kurt and Finn showed up to glee practice with a duet. A duet for the pair of them. A duet for the pair of them that had obviously been practiced. And choreographed. And while everyone else just clapped politely and Mr. Schue congratulated them on a job well done (adding in a corny speech about unexpected voiced meshing together, of course), Puck just raised an eyebrow and wondered what the hell was wrong with the world.
Finn and Kurt left glee practice together, talking and laughing and then they both got into Kurt's car. He totally did a double take, convinced that he was hallucinating. But no, there were Kurt and Finn, sitting together in Kurt's car and arguing over the radio station. Kurt swatted Finn's hand away from the dial, saying, "Finn Hudson, don't make me slap you!"
Puck practically jumped into his own car. There was no way he was going to let Finn and Kurt drive away together without knowing where they were headed. He was going to find out just what was going on between them, and he was going to find out right now.
He followed Kurt's car at a distance, letting a couple cars pass him and go in between them. It was less suspicious that way, and besides, he could see Kurt's SUV from a mile away. Nobody else in Lima drives such a sweet car.
They pulled into the driveway of a house next to a garage. The sign above the garage said 'Hummel's Tires and Lube,' so obviously it had to be Kurt's house next to it. Kurt and Finn both got out of the car and walked over to the garage, waving to one of the men working there. The man walked over to meet them, grinning. This had to be Kurt's dad. He tried to give Kurt a hug, but Kurt jumped out of the way. Puck laughed, knowing that it probably was because his dad was all grungy and dirty from working. Then Mr. Hummel clapped Finn on the back, giving him a bright smile, and waved the pair of them away. Kurt and Finn went into the house together, and Puck raised an eyebrow again.
He stayed there, parked on the opposite side of the street, until the garage closed. Finn still hadn't come back out. Puck had thought that maybe they were partners on a project or Kurt was Finn's math tutor or something, but you don't stay in someone's house that long just to do homework.
Noah Puckerman put his mad detective-ing skills to work and figured out that Kurt and Finn absolutely had to be secretly dating.
He told Quinn about it the next day.
"What makes you so sure about this?" She was skeptical, he could tell, so he had to reassure her that he was completely and one-hundred percent correct.
"I sat outside Hummel's house for, like, three hours. It was like Mission Impossible without the stupid music." Quinn raised an eyebrow, but he ignored it. "You don't stay inside someone's house for three hours for any other reason. Finn's totally banging Kurt while his dad's fixing cars! And then he probably eats dinner with them and does all the mushy boyfriend stuff and sucks up to Kurt's dad." A pause, then, "Well, at least one of us is getting some."
Quinn slapped him.
"No, seriously, just think about it!" Puck insisted. "Suddenly they're both acting like best friends and then they're singing duets and going home to the same house? That's gotta be it!"
"You know, they were getting all cosy during Spanish class when Mr. Schue told us to partner up," Quinn rested her chin on her hand, thinking back. "They definitely weren't trying to figure out proper verb endings, if all the laughing was any indication."
Puck threw up his hands, exclaiming, "I am a genius."
"But why wouldn't they tell us?" Quinn shook her head. "It doesn't make sense. We're their friends and Kurt's come out to all of us. Why would they act so obviously lovey-dovey if they don't want people to know?"
"Maybe they've just told their closest friends," Puck grinned. "We should ask the rest of the club if they know something,"
"Mercedes would know," Quinn decided. "Let's ask her."
They decided to do just that. They went right up to Mercedes in the hallway and Puck said, "Hey, question. Have Hummel's gay cooties rubbed off on Finn?"
Not the most tactful way of putting it, he'll admit, but it's to the point.
Mercedes just gave them a weird look and said, "No. And get your nose out of my boy's business. It's not my fault he's making new friends." Then she stalked off, looking all offended.
"They haven't told her," Quinn almost moaned. "She feels rejected because her best friend isn't telling her about his first boyfriend, not to mention the fact that now Kurt and Finn are an item, Kurt's spending less time with her. Poor Mercedes."
"No, poor me," Puck insisted. "I need answers!"
Puck asked the rest of the club what they thought was going on. Everyone agreed that it was definitely weird, but nobody knew exactly what was going on. So they decided that at glee practice later that day, they were all going to watch Finn and Kurt very closely. (They ignored Artie's suggestion that they just ask Kurt and Finn what was going on.)
It was extremely hard to focus on what Mr. Schue was saying when everyone was looking at Kurt and Finn. They were sitting next to each other, occasionally looking at each other and chuckling. After five minutes, Puck realized they did it every time Mr. Schue said the word 'ballad.' When he looked at the whiteboard, he realized that Schue was probably about to make them sing ballads again. Great.
That didn't explain why Kurt and Finn were finding it so funny.
But Mr. Schue was obviously smarter than he looked and sounded, because he picked up that nobody (well, nobody except for Rachel and Jesse, but they don't count) was paying attention to him. So he asked, point blank, "Would someone mind telling me why Finn and Kurt are suddenly so interesting?"
It's kind of hilarious how both of them straightened in their seats as if they'd been prodded with something sharp, Puck had to admit. But the confused looks they gave everyone were just annoying, so he shouted across the room, "Just tell us yes or no: are the two of you screwing each other?"
Kurt breathed in sharply and Finn stared at him with his mouth hanging open. Brittany giggled, covering what would have been a very tense and awkward bout of silence.
"Um, no," Finn denied it first.
"Of course not," Kurt followed with his answer quickly. "What on earth would give anyone that idea?"
"You don't hang out with me anymore," Mercedes accused him, crossing her arms.
"You sang a perfectly rehearsed duet complete with choreography that must have taken Finn at least three hours to master," Rachel piped up, predictably mentioning their musical number.
"You've spent the last five minutes laughing about ballads like it's some inside joke."
"You definitely weren't conjugating verbs in Spanish the other day."
"You got into the same car all week long."
"You," Puck pointed to Finn, "spent over three hours at Hummel's house after school yesterday."
"Yeah, 'cause I live there now," Finn's tone suggested that he had thought they all knew this.
"What?" Puck wasn't the only one surprised. "Your dad's cool with this, Hummel? Did your mom kick you out or something?"
"No, it's nothing like that," Kurt started laughing. "Finn's mom and my dad are dating now, and Carole and Finn just moved in with us. There's nothing going on between us. We're almost-step-brothers, I guess you could say."
Puck felt really stupid.
The rest of the club collectively apologized to Finn and Kurt, saying they should have just asked while Artie sat there looking all high and mighty and special.