A/N: Embers of Twilight mentioned a Harry Potter western at some point, and a plot bunny bit me. This is more like a parody of the Scooby Doo episodes of my childhood, but bear with me.
There's some VERY adult humour. This is in no way canon for the Silence-verse.
A penny is the smallest American coin, worth 1/100 of a dollar, and commonly held to be nearly worthless.
It all started when Arthut Weasley got one of his great ideas. Namely, he decided to go and talk to a rather dodgy animagus who was looking to unload a muggle vehicle called a 'van'. Dodgy might not have been the word, as the chap had evidentially got stuck some years earlier in between his wizard form and his animal form, which was a huge great dane.
"My whole family had that problem, actually." The great dane looked pensive, resting his head on his paws. "But I think there might be help."
"And that's why you came home to Britain, Mr-"
"Dew, Schofield Dew. My friends called me Scolfy." He politely extended a paw and Arthur shook it. "How did you come to be possession of the muggle van?"
"Wizards do it differently in America. I was obliged to find some muggle helpers to give the appearance that someone was driving it, but…they're nice kids, on the whole. Seem confounded by the accent, though. Never quite manage my name."
"They did the painting? On the side?"
"They'd go outside and when I woke up the next morning, the food would be eaten and they'd have painted a bit more on the van."
" You know teenagers, all that hard work gets up an appetite. Strange, they never noticed the magical modifications you made."
"Well, they never questioned why I could talk, either, so I suppose it's all for the best. Now, if you don't mind…"
Arthur held out the money he'd brought. "This should get us a Portkey to my cousin, at least." And with that, the great dane ambled off, trailed by four excited American tourists. "C'mon!'Called a gormless looking blond in the absurd neckwear. 'Baskerville is waiting.".
Arthur grimaced delicately. "Those accents. No wonder they can't manage his name."
The Next Day:
"So, why are we here again?"
"Because Ron's dad's given him use of this enchanted van and he's invited us on holiday."
"So why is Greg here?"
"Same reason."Greg sat with his back against the wall of the vibrating 'van' thing and closed his eyes. It was like being in the belly of a living creature, he thought, and started rooting about through the personal effects of the muggles who'd been here last.
"So why did Greg bring Custard?"
"Because she needs a holiday too. She's been peaky, haven't you,love?" Custard miaowed and gave Draco a look that promised vomit in his sock unless he learnt some respect.
"So why is Parkinson here?"
Pansy pouted."Antigone did it somehow. I'm not speaking to anyo-ooh, look at these!" She held up a pair of ridiculous shoes, with pointy toes and high, thin heels."Aren't they precious?"
"I'm Ron's other best friend, Malfoy. And you're married to Hermione, so that's why you're here as well."
"Quite.' Said Draco sourly, and laid down on one of the sleeping bags left by the muggles. Greg suddenly held up a bag of something. "Looks like potions ingredients."
Hermione took the bag from him and smelt the contents."Ugh! Whatever it is has gone over."She promptly vanished it. "Now, shall we be off?"
Ron solemnly nodded and waved his wand at the accelerator. They were supposed to sort of glide forward, but a very curious thing happened; instead, they rose in the air and started to spin.
They all laid still a long time after they hit the ground. Custard was first to regain her sea legs, so to speak. She briskly stood, shook it off, and began to nose the others awake. In short order they'd all been bullied into sitting up.
"Where are we?"
"How the hell should he know, Parkinson? We've all been kidnapped by this wretched muggle contraption."
Hermione gave her husband a sharp look. "Be nice, Draco."
"Nice? Nice? Malfoys don't do nice. Matter of fact, you shouldn't be doing nice anymore, either." He glowered and then softened when Hermione gave him a smile that promised good things in the future. He leant closer and-
"Cor blimey! Can't a bloke be spared the sight of your goo goo eyes, Malfoy?"
"I'd not expect a specimen like yourself to understand the finer things in life, Weasley."
"Why you sodding little-"
Hermione threw up her hands and bent toward her husband. "If you don't stop it this second, you'll never see me naked again." Then she leant toward Ron. "If you don't stop, I'll tell Molly all about what happened to your Weasley jumpers."
They both got very quiet. Then Draco said, very reasonably "Darling, I do hope you didn't tell Weasley he'd never see you naked again."
Weasley looked smug. "We lived together in a tent, Malfoy. Too late for that."
No one can look smug like a Malfoy. "Yes, but I beat you to it, Weasley."
"Night before Christmas hols sixth year."
Ron turned huge eyes on Hermione. "You never told me!"
Hermione huffed. "What was I supposed to do, Ron, mention it at supper? "By the way, boys, I've lost my virginity to Malfoy?"
Ron gasped. "What? I thought he meant he'd seen you in your knickers!"
"In her knickers, out her knickers, same difference."
Harry, looking distinctly uneasy, raised his hand and said, as soothingly as he could "Maybe we could talk about this another time?"
"There's nothing to talk about. Pansy , may I share your sleeping bag tonight?" Hermione gave both men a Narcissa-esque Look and crossed her arms.
Pansy nodded, pleased the attention was back on her again. "Of course, Hermione." Pansy intended to have a long and satisfying root through the valises, and maybe they'd find hair supplies or something to play with.
Draco turned sourly to Harry and Ron. "Thank you loads. Now I can't share a bed with my wife." Draco wanted to cry. And he was sitting on something. He moved and pulled out a decorative velvet bag. "The hell…"
Greg gasped. "My spoon! My family spoon!" He pulled it out of Draco's hands and held it to himself, looking worried.
"Yeah, my great Grandda carved it from a single block of wood. It repels grasshoppers."
"The family fortune was lost to a grasshopper, you know. We carry the spoon when we travel in case we should meet it."
Harry blinked slowly. "Sorry, did you say a grasshopper? And you're going to duel it with a spoon?"
Greg nodded sorrowfully. "It's a painful topic, still." And pulled out his handkerchief to blow, which he did like a seagull playing a tuba. "1756, it was, and Galwaine Goyle woke one morning to…"
Pansy spelled the door open, and a stampede ensued so no one had to listen to the story. "Is anyone else surprised a Goyle was outsmarted by a bug?"
"Ronald! I want to hear, Greg." Greg was ready to start again when Pansy said suddenly "We're in America."
"How can you tell, Parkinson? Do the rocks say 'Made in—' oh. So they do."
"It's a movie set." Harry sounded strangely excited, and Hermione looked around with interest. "You're right! There's the false buildings and everything. How fascinating."
"We're what?" The explained, and after that explained about movies and all. Then, after explaining it a second time, they set off to explore.
"Hmm,this place looks pretty isolated."
They walked on. The buildings were mainly just fronts, but a few of them were real buildings. One of them, mysteriously, contained a number of bales of hay, and also some boxes under a tarp."I wonder what they are?"
Harry cautiously opened one. It was full of smaller boxes, which were full of small moulds and other strange things. "Wonder what it is?"
Greg bent down and looked for a moment. "Counterfeiter's tools. Dross, punches, the necessary acids and compounds, protective clothing. And the hay looks like fodder. Grasshopper fodder. " His eyes narrowed and he clutched his precious spoon tightly, lest he be surprised unawares.
Everyone was too bsuy staring in surprise to react. "What? I have a life outside of school, you know. If you'd listened, you'd know why I knew that."
"Yes…. Moving on…"They walked forward and found a strange, bulky machine, a bed sheet and a large number of bottle which had apparently contained whiskey. After a little poking about, they managed to rig up the machines and watched as the figure of a ghost capered across the opposite wall.
"That's…pants. Just horrible."
"Well, mate, judging by the sheer volume of bottles here, are you surprised?"
"Well put. Shall we make camp?"
"Wouldn't want to be here when the counterfeiters come back, would we?"
"Why ever not? We're wizards and witches and they aren't. And frankly, if they think an old bedsheet and whiskey will fool anyone, we wouldn't even have to try hard."
They walked back and set up the tent, which was divided into sections to preserve Pansy's maidenly modesty. Draco and Hermione had their own part, but Draco wasn't especially optimistic they'd get to use it.
After they ate, they split into groups, the men in one part and Pansy and Hermione in another."Look at all the things this muggle left for us to try!" Pansy squealed as she pulled out a bag of makeup. The men froze in their own sleeping bags."That sound chills my bones."
"The cry of the female at hunt, you know."
Midnight found them all deep in conversation. "And that's your life's ambition? Owning a pair of shoes in every colour?"
"Of course. Isn't it yours?"
"No. I want to help magical beings to live in harmony."
Pansy blinked. "No reason you can't do that while looking cute, you know."
"You really think he likes me?"
"I do. He gets this look on his face when he looks at you. It's like the look he gets when Molly serves chocolate cake."
"Lovely' said Pansy. 'Time for hair!"
The men were faring no better. "And you say they keep the animals there, and muggles pay to look at them?" Draco was attempting to wrap his mind around the concept of a 'zoo'. And failing, but luckily Greg and Weasley were there to be lightening rods of incomprehension.
"Yes. And so after we went and saw the monkeys, Dudley wanted to see the snake, and we…"
Greg held up a hand. "But why did you go and see the monkeys if your aunt thinks they're lewd creatures?"
"I suppose so."
"What did they do that was lewd, then?"
Harry looked slightly abashed but explained."Blimey, they threw it at one another?"
"That's awful. Though, I expect, since they have no wands, they'd need something to use."
"Goyle' said Weasley 'this was a muggle place. They'd be muggle monkeys."
"Could be mudb—muggleborns, then." Greg glowered and stroked Custard, who grumbled to show that they could be admiring her rather than talking about stupid old monkeys. Draco heaved a martyred sigh and flopped on his back. "I should get Hermione to take a walk with me."
Weasley laughed. "No use, mate. Once her foot is down, it's like moving a rock with a needle."
"if it weren't for you, I'd be in my own comfortable bed right now."
Weasley smirked. "Life's rough sometimes."
"Well, yes, but I'd rather be me than you. Know why?"
Harry hoped Malfoy wasn't going to say something nasty. It was worse, far worse. He gave them both a grin, stretched, and said "Because Potter here is courting your sister."
"What's that got to do with anything?"
"Has it ever occurred to you that he's the forerunner to evanesco your sister's knickers at first opportunity?"
Weasley turned to look at Potter. "Harry wouldn't do a thing like that. He wouldn't even look if he had a chance, not til they're married."
Potter was blushing to the roots of his hair. "Er, actually…."
"WHAT? MY BABY SiSTER?"
"We're engaged, Ron. And it's not what it sounds…" Harry got very quiet. Weasley looked ready to explode. "You have til the count of five."
"That's one." Potter rose and made for the door just as Weasley lunged. Potter was faster, and they ran across the desert in their pants, Weasley screaming something about what would happen to Potter if he ever looked at Ginny's knickers again.
"Think we should help him?"
"Potter? My word, no. This will teach him a valuable lesson." Draco was sliding into his clothing.
"Getting beaten up by a raving lunatic will teach him something?"
"Probably. I'm off to try my luck with Hermione. Stay here, and don't do anything daft." Greg huffed and cocked his head. "Did you hear Malfoy, Vince? Like I'd do something daft." He held his spoon closer and wondered if tonight was the night he'd redeem the family pride.
"Take a walk with me, Hermione."
"I'm very cross with you right now."
Hermione sighed and left Pansy studying her own reflection. "We're in America, Hermione. We should celebrate."
He bent his head and whispered."What happens to bad little girls in America, Hermione?"
Hermione snuggled into his neck. "But I've been good lately."
"We'll take a walk and find something, hmmm?"Hermione went for her cloak.
The moonlight was a lamp. With the faint sounds of Weasley's enraged shrieks the background, Hermione and Draco walked hand in hand, in pursuit of a switch to celebrate their arrival on foreign soil through a series of frankly bizarre circumstances.
"Is Ron chasing Harry?"
"That's a fairly large stick he's got." Draco was about to say something outraged when he realised Weasley had got a sizable cudgel from someplace and was waving it at Potter like a mountain troll.
"If he can find something like that, we can find a switch."
Hermione pouted."But I've not done anything!"
"Mmm, that's improbable. And who decides about your discipline, Hermione Jane?"
"You do, sir."
"Speaking of, did you see Weasley in the nude while you were camping with him?"
"Would you say he's…"
"Thin and speckled."
"No, I mean…"
Hermione stopped and turned."Draco, are you asking me whether you're…."
She laughed and threw her arms about his neck, whispering in his ear. Draco smiled broadly and sagged with relief."What about Potter, then?"
"That's a yes."
When none of them had come back in half an hour, Greg started to worry. He rose quickly and dressed, opening his arms to Custard. "We should make sure they're all right." Holding the spoon, he went to find his friends.
He called for Parkinson to come too. She walked daintily beside him in the stillness, following Weasley's shouts of rage.
Ron had cornered Harry. "MY! BABY! SISTER!"
"Ron, it's not like that! And we're getting married anyway." Harry saw a chance and ran fast as he could toward an especially large cactus.
Draco sighed in disgust. "Well, that figures. We've come to the one place in America where there are no switches to be had."
"We could always just-"
Potter, clad in nothing but his pants, ran to where they were standing. "Ron—stick—help!"
Hermione sighed loudly. "I'll talk to him, Harry." A second later, Weasley, still waving his cudgel, caught up. "HER KNICKERS!"
"Ronald, stop it! Ginny's an adult, and Harry never said they did anything.' She turned to Harry and whispered 'Did you?"
"We didn't. That's what I kept trying to tell you. I saw her in the changing room sixth year. It was an accident."
Ron dropped his staff. "Well, all right."
"You know, Weasley, if you should ever wonder why you're still a virgin, this might be why. With the screaming and sticks, I mean."
Greg walked toward the voices, trailing Parkinson like a disease. When they got the place the sounds were coming from, they found the four debating whether they should check out a funny noise.
"We'll split up, then. Draco and Hermione will go left and Ron and I will go right."
"Oi, Hermione, lads."
"Hello, Greg. Would you like to accompany Potter on a suicide mission?"
"Malfoy, we're just checking out a noise."
"Yes, but I know you, Potter. It'll turn out to be Greg's giant grasshopper or something."
Greg stopped and sniffed the air. "It is! He's that way!" Everyone ignored him. Seriously, it was just too weird. For people who routinely deal with dragons to write something off as too strange is quite a rare thing.
"Draco' said Hermione reasonably 'it's probably just an animal. And we've not looked there yet." She gave him a funny look none of them wished to parse. He threw up his hands and sighed.
"Fine. All those wishing to die nobly, go with Potter. All those wishing to live, come with me." It was, after some wrangling, decided that Harry, Draco and Hermione would go first, and then the other three follow. Greg set Custard down and she hied off into the brush, looking determined.
Harry and Hermione, followed by a pouting Draco, walked rapidly toward the source of the noise. The others crept steadily behind. The building they'd been in earlier was illuminated, and through the window, they could see two dodgy looking blokes bent over piles of counter fit coins.
"With these fake pennies, we'll rule the world!"
"How? Aren't they virtually worthless? I mean, doesn't it cost more to make them than to obtain real pennies?"
The other man seemed to be working this over in his mind. "That's a fair point, actually."
"And we went to the trouble of faking our deaths and convincing people this place is haunted. I don't know about you, but this is a lot of effort for something that's at best a pie in the sky and at worst a pointless violation of state and federal law."
There came a horrible sort of drumming noise from the reaches of the barn, and, with a shriek as shrill as the average mother in law and nearly as intolerable, it rose from the depths of the barn, green forelegs working, expressionless face where a non-expression of triumphant glee.
"Fools! I've got you right where I want you!"
"Our boss is a grasshopper? Seriously, Bernie, this is the worst job ever." The second man promptly walked away, cursing, and got in his pickup truck to leave. The first man turned to the huge grasshopper.
"Damn it, that's my brother in law. Now my wife'll be pissed at me. Once she gets over being angry I'm not dead like I told her. And the strippers. Mainly the strippers."
The grasshopper open it's toothless mouth and made a sound that would have had more effect if it hadn't been super sonic. The counter fitter looked annoyed. "What do you want with this place, anyway? And money? You don't wear clothes, you don't have a car to pay off, and you don't have thumbs, which rules out everything else."
The grasshopper looked nonplussed. "Look, you get the fifty bucks either way."
"It's a valid point."
Greg, seeing his moment come at last, rose from his hiding place and drew his spoon. "Have at you, then!" With a roar of triumph, he ran directly at the potentially murderous herbivore (it could start squishing people, you know. Or else fiddle them to death somehow. I don't know.)
Two Hours Later:
"And so, this heroic band of strangely dressed youth—and the cat—foiled the counter fitter and stopped the massive grasshopper with a trap that should have horribly killed them all." The muggle auror finished.
"Yes, sir, we know. We were all there. May we go home now? The desert gets cold at night."
"I'd have gotten away with it, if it weren't for these meddling kids and their do—cat, I guess. Yeah, cat."
Draco turned to the bound up counter fitter. "No. No, you wouldn't Everything about this is stupid. You should be ashamed of yourself."
"I'm more impressed with Goyle. How did you know to strike at the toe?"
"I told you I have a life outside school." Greg carefully tucked his spoon back in the pouch. Suddenly, he laughed. "He said pants!"
"Greg, that was hours ago."
Everyone saw Greg's hand drop to his spoon. "I was busy then."
Pansy got an idea. Turning to the muggle auror, she said sweetly "Have you any chocolate, sir?"
"Matter of fact, I do. Would you be needing some?"
"I would, actually. Avada K-"
She turned. "What?"
"Muggles are people too!." Hermione frowned and Pansy simply obliviated the man, pouting. "Well, I am a pretty ambiguous character, you know. I could go either way."
Draco glowered and drew his wand. "Not funny!'he shouted at the sky, and then swished his wand. 'Accio fourth wall!"
"Anyway…" Pansy retrieved the chocolate and handed some to Weasley. "Strange, isn't it, how coincidental it all is?"
"There have been an unusual number of absurdly specific things happening, hasn't there?"
"I noticed that too. Well, shall we go back with no further mention of authorial fiat?" Everyone was staring again. "Life outside school, for Merlin's sake."
Draco was pouting. "And here I always thought I was the favourite." And then…could it be? Yes! There was a regular building labeled 'Inn' and, he noticed, there was a tree in the yard. With shoots! Fresh green shoots! (Yes, in the desert.) Draco lifted Hermione and carried her toward the Inn like a bride.
"Don't wait up, lads!" They all shivered. Strangely, the tree was obscured by a mist for a moment, and then the two married people were gone into the entrance.
"Strange, the way that mist blew up."
"Really is. Perhaps Malfoy doesn't want us to know he likes gardening."
"Well, he's definitely looking to plow someth-"
"Merlin's nose, Goyle! Shut up shut up shut up!"
"What ever is that sound?" There was a strange noise coming from an upstairs room. Shivering with horror, the four intrepid wizarding teens, and Custard, who was dragging a leg behind her like a prize, ran for the van as quickly as they could.
The two came back the next morning, radiating afterglow in the most disturbing way imaginable. "And to think, all this was brought about by a string of insanely improbable events and Weasley's father's total lack of judgment."
"Well, he might have a point, Ron. He should have tested it first."
"Yeah, well. Prat."
"Say what you want, you're still a virgin."
"Yes, love?" He gave her a winning smile and then turned evilly to Weasley. "I rest my case."
"Let's go home, everyone." And so they did, never noticing the way the blasted, well spooned corpse of the giant grasshopper was twitching slightly…