A/N: Whoa this outtake was a doozy haha. This is your final outtake (barring any auctions I may enter) for GSM. I really liked exploring Edward's thoughts during their breakup and as you can probably guess he didn't handle it very well. Again I really hoped you enjoyed the story and had some fun with it. I already miss Tennisward but I'm very excited for my new project. If you haven't checked out Secret Life already, give it a try : ) I look forward to hearing from all of you in the future. Thanks again!
If this gala wasn't for charity I would have skipped it. I mean I was excited about taking Bella as my date officially and everything but I'd rather just stay home and spend time with her. Most of these things were all formalities; mingling with people you didn't give two shits about just for appearances.
Bella seemed overly nervous in the car and I guess I could understand that. This was kind of a big thing and I think she felt she had more to lose than I did if this ended badly. If she only had a fucking clue. She's taken up a permanent residence in my heart and soul and losing her would shatter me. I'd give up anything to have her. I could only pray that I've captured her the way she's completely captivated me. Every fiber of my damn body was attuned to her, almost like she was becoming a part of me.
I figured the red carpet would be the worst part. I hated paparazzi. They didn't give a shit about being polite or concerned. They just wanted their picture and their information. I was just hoping they didn't pounce on Bella and suffocate her. I guess I'd just pull her through as quickly as possible.
I wasn't oblivious to everyone staring as we walked into the room hand in hand. I knew my girl was fucking beautiful and I should be used to people staring at her, but I also knew that wasn't the reason. It was like this business was it's own little small town. Any new fresh meat or scandal and the gossip hounds would be all over it. Bella looked like a deer in headlights as we crossed the room and I decided to get her a drink to calm her nerves a little. I wasn't drinking tonight. That would just open up a whole lot of bad shit. Drunk Edward would have no problem calling all these fuckers out and I don't think Alice would like dealing with that.
Speaking of Alice, I love my sister but it's nice as hell having her out of the picture for a little bit. It was the first time I'd actually felt semi-normal in a relationship. Even when I was with Tanya it seemed like it was all about appearances or publicity. We were the golden couple of the tennis world, but the love was never there. I felt everything with Bella. More than I ever could have fucking imagined I would ever feel. I had started to think I was incapable of love. That maybe that's why my father and I never really connected. I was incapable of loving and being loved.
"What do you want babe?" I whispered. Her eyes darted around the room as she clung to my hand.
"Um…vodka cranberry," she mumbled. Her voice was so small. Poor girl was fucking terrified. I started to think maybe it was a bad idea to bring her, not because I didn't want to, but because this wasn't her world. It probably feels like being thrown into a snake pit.
After we got our drinks we started shuffling around the room. I thought maybe if we started talking to some other people Bella would loosen up a little. She did eventually. Though I wasn't sure if it was from the alcohol or she generally felt better.
"Hey pretty girl."
Jacob. Fucking. Black. I tensed a little and felt Bella spin around. I closed my eyes and told myself to relax before doing the same. I'd been doing a lot better with the whole jealous bastard routine, but I wouldn't lie and say it didn't affect me. I knew Jake wasn't a bad guy, but that insecure kid inside me always fucking panicked.
Jake said something about our coming out party and actually reached out to shake my hand. I finally relaxed a little, realizing he wasn't at threat and took it. We started talking about some matches and charity events we were involved in and I even laughed at one of his jokes. He's a funny fucker when he's not trying to feel up my girlfriend.
Bella pressed lightly into my side and I wondered if she was getting anxious again. I leaned down and kissed her head, hoping it would calm her a little.
My phone vibrated against my ass and I cursed under my breath. Alice has been calling me all damn day and I was getting pissed. She probably just wanted to make sure I was wearing the right socks or something. I can dress myself Miss Fashionista.
They announced that dinner was ready so we made our way to our table. I wasn't really sure who we were sitting with but I was almost happy to see Jake migrating the same way. All those happy feelings were pulverized the instant I saw that fucker James. Despite my shitty attitude, I rarely say that I hate someone. I hate that sick asshole. It was hard for me to believe that even Tanya could be with someone like him. The other redhead with them looked a little familiar and after I thought about it I realized it was his sister. Yeah, she's a bitch too. It must run in the family.
Dinner passed without any real incident. Bella was really quiet and I thought about asking her if she wanted to leave after dessert. She sighed loudly and I finally turned towards her. Her eyes were focused down at her cake. She pushed it around her plate but hadn't taken one damn bite. Something was wrong. I was about to lean down and ask her when I caught him out of the corner of my eye. I dropped my fork and sat straight up, putting my arm protectively around Bella's shoulders. James smirked back at my gesture, almost like it was a challenge. That piece of shit had no idea what I was capable of. He needed to learn a lesson and if he didn't back the fuck off of Bella right now I was going to be the one teach it to him. Fuck appearances. She doesn't deserve to feel uncomfortable because of him.
Everyone eventually got up as they finished their plates. I didn't move one inch until James left. I was about to go apeshit on him.
"Was he doing that the whole time?" I brushed Bella's hair back from her face as she nodded. "Bella you should have told me, I would have taken care of it."
"What were you going to do beat his ass right here between dinner and dessert?" Gladly.
"No, but we could have left or something. You shouldn't have to put up with him. I know how he works. The fact that he can't have you is driving him insane." I knew how he worked because I used to work like him. I was never as slimy and insane as he was, but I used to like the chase. I wouldn't lie about it. It's not who I was anymore but I could still recognize it.
God I have to take a leak. "I have to run to the bathroom."
"Just go I'll be fine."
I saw Jake was still sitting beside us and trusted him more than anyone else in this room. "Can you please…watch her?" Watch her? God Cullen make her sound like a child or a dog.
He offered to dance with her and I cracked up some joke about her being a bad dancer. She wasn't bad. In fact she was fucking adorable when she danced, especially badly. It was refreshing considering all the girls did these days was grind up on your dick.
"No kissing her this time Black." I laughed as I started making my way through the crowd. I spotted the bathroom and ducked inside.
"I'll bet you $1,000 I can get in her pants tonight Cullen." James smirked and stepped beside me.
"I don't think you could pay her a million to sleep with you Baxter. She has higher standards than that." I ran my fingers through my hair and told myself to keep it together.
"Eh I don't know about that," he laughed. "I mean she's obviously fucked you." He took a step closer and smiled. "Is she feisty in the sack? Little sex kitten? I bet sure purrs….does she?"
He stepped behind me and started towards the door. I reached my leg back and tripped him. He fell forward onto the ground and I laughed a little under my breath. Sure it was immature, but at least I didn't bash his head into the mirror like I wanted to. I threw my towel into the trashcan and crouched down.
"Little Baxter. Just keep throwing your temper tantrum," I murmured. "The fact is no matter how much dirty pussy you get, it'll never…ever compare to Bella. And you'll never ever have her because she's mine. Understand?" I stood up and walked out.
I spotted Bella dancing with Jake and she was actually smiling so I just sat down at the table and watched. I loved seeing that girl smile, even if I wasn't the one doing it.
"Mind if I sit?" Tanya asked.
"I don't give a shit." I kept my eyes on Bella and smiled.
"Are you really happy with her Edward, you know we were really good together?" She moved to put her hand on my leg and I jerked it away.
"Are you really even serious dating that asshole? He's trash Tanya. Even for you."
"I don't even know you anymore," she narrowed her eyes at me. "It's like she's changed you."
I shook my head and ran my fingers through my hair. "Is that such a bad thing that she made me realize how much of a dick I was? I needed to change."
Another couple that sat with us during dinner stopped at the table. They sat down and glanced over at Tanya and I.
"Listen I can't have this conversation with you here." I leaned back and turned my eyes back to Bella. I didn't feel like airing out all my dirty laundry or my relationship with Bella with complete strangers around. "But I'm telling you, that guy is scum and you deserve better." I stood up and started walking out to cool off. The whole thing with James in the bathroom and Tanya's interrogation was pissing me off.
"Fuck me," I whispered as I heard Tanya get up and follow me. I walked out into the lobby and leaned up against the wall. "What?" I snapped.
She leaned forward and actually tried to kiss me. I gently pushed her back and tapped my foot.
"You really love her don't you?" Her tone wasn't condescending, it was just surprised. I can't say I blame her with my history. She knew better than anyone I never really connected with anyone beyond the superficial.
Her eyes softened and she bit down on her lip. "I'm sorry. I didn't…realize."
"Why are you with him Tanya?" I crossed my arms in front of me and took a deep breath.
"I don't know. Do you think everyone can find what you have?"
I shrugged. "Doesn't matter if you do or not. You still shouldn't have to settle. Get out now or I promise you you're going to get hurt."
I darted back into the ballroom and glanced at the dance floor.
"Where'd you go baby?" I whispered to myself. I started pushing through the people looking for her and Jake but they weren't there. I finally spotted Jake across the room talking into his phone, but she wasn't with him. "Shit."
My entire body went into panic mode. Something was not right. She wouldn't have just gone off by herself. My phone vibrated in my pocket again and I was relieved as all hell to see it was her.
"Bella?" I answered.
"Where are you?"
"Looking for you actually, where are you?"
"I'm over by the…"
"By where?" Silence. "Bella?" I glanced down at my phone to see if I'd lost the call, but it was still there. I held the phone up to my ear and listened. I heard some commotion in the background and then my whole world came crashing down with one sound. Bella's scream.
I spun around and ran back to Jake, pushing people out of the way as I went.
"Jacob where did you leave her?" I shook his shoulders. He told whoever he was talking to on his phone to hold on for a minute.
"Bella where did you leave her? Something's wrong."
"I'll call you back," he said into his phone. "I left her on the dance floor. I had to take this. I'm sorry I thought she'd be fine."
We both darted back to the dance floor, searching through the sea of people. None of them were her. I ran my fingers through my hair and felt myself starting to lose it. I blinked away the tears and pushed my way to the other side of the dance floor.
"What the fuck?" I murmured. A chair just flew out of a darkened hallway off to the side. I could barely see it from here; in fact I hadn't even known it was there until now. "Jake!" I yelled. I nodded over towards the hallway and sprinted as fast as I fucking could.
As soon as I stepped into the hallway I could hear her soft crying coming from the room on the right. I flew inside and nearly threw up when I saw her. James had her pinned up against the wall, her dress ripped clear down to her stomach.
I launched myself across the table and whipped him away from her, slamming him down against the table. He hurt her. He hurt…Bella. He broke the thing that was most precious to me for sport. And I couldn't help but think it was my fault. I shouldn't have said those things to him in the bathroom; it probably just pissed him off.
"You touch her again and I'll fucking kill you!" I screamed. I raised my fist above my head and smashed his jaw. "You hear me!" I hit him again before turning back to Bella.
I could tell she was shaking before I even touched her. I tentatively reached out and scooped her into my arms. I just wanted to take her away from all this.
I whisked her out of the room and down to the next one so I could take a look at her and make sure she was okay. I set her down on the table and finally got a look at her. I've never been so heartbroken in my entire life…up until that point anyway.
"Baby I'm so sorry." I shook away the tears. "Are you hurt? Did he…?" I couldn't even utter the fucking words. Because I knew if it was true there was nothing that could stop me from going into the next room and ending him.
She shook her head and my heart finally started beating again.
I kissed her and told her I loved her and that I was sorry. I held her until she stopped crying and offered her my coat. Her dress was completely ripped to shreds but I wouldn't let her walk out like that.
I spotted the police officers as soon as we stepped back into the hallway. I glanced into the first room and was relieved to see James in handcuffs. We continued to the front and found one of the other officers so he could take our statements. I thought I should go back and make sure everything was squared away with Jake and James so I left Bella with the officer and ran back. I honestly just wanted to get her the fuck out of here and in bed. We were safe there. She was safe.
I checked in with the officer talking to Jake and told him we'd spoken to the officer out front. He said they'd follow up if they needed anything else. I shook Jake's hand and thanked him for his help.
As soon as I stepped back out into the hallway Bella spun around and ran through the front door. I sprinted after her and reached her just as she collapsed on the concrete and started throwing up.
I bent down beside her and held her hair back. I rubbed her back and glanced up, wishing our car would come soon. People were staring.
"Are you okay to ride home?" I asked. She nodded her head and I helped her into the car. "Do you want to stay at my place tonight?" My question was a little selfish. I just wanted her there regardless if she needed it or not. I needed to know she was okay.
"I want to go home," she snapped.
"Okay." I didn't understand. She sounded mad…at me. I shrugged it off, assuming she was just upset. I leaned over and tried to put my arm around her shoulder but she cowered away. "Are you sure he didn't hurt you?"
"No. He didn't hurt me."
"What is going on?" I turned towards her and shook my head. "Talk to me."
"Do you want to explain this to me?" She reached inside of my jacket and pulled out a condom wrapper and a pair of women's underwear. I cursed my former self to hell for not listening to Rosalie. How hard was it to take a fucking jacket to the drycleaners? And now she thinks I'm fucking around on her.
"No!" She continued. "You know what? I don't even want to hear you try to explain it because it's pathetic."
"Bella this is not…" I stuttered.
"Not what I think? Isn't that what the cheating boyfriends always say?" Each word she said sliced right through me. Sharp and unforgiving. This was bad.
"Would you like me to pull over and give you some privacy?" The driver glanced at me in the mirror.
"No just get be home please. I can't be in this car anymore." Bella turned her eyes out the window.
"Bella I know how bad this looks and sounds but Tanya and I were just…talking. She hit on me and I told her no. She asked me about you, how serious we were and we couldn't talk about it at the table so we went into the lobby. That is fucking all that happened. I know I don't owe her anything and probably shouldn't have even talked to her, but it was fucking innocent. Please…"
"And what? A condom just happened to fall on your dick and her underwear jumped into your pocket on their own. You could start your own damn magic show Edward…really." She barely waited for the car to stop in front of her apartment before she jumped out. There was no way in Hell I was just going to let this go tonight. She needed to understand.
"You actually think you're staying here tonight?" She shook her head. "Go home Edward."
"You are my home," I stuttered. I cleared my throat and tried to think of something to say. Something that would make it all better. I could feel myself starting to fall apart.
I followed her all the way up to her apartment. She unlocked the door and stepped inside, but made it quite clear that I wasn't welcome. I just leaned against the doorway and crossed my arms.
"Why do you want me to say?" I asked.
"I don't want you to say anything. In fact I don't want you to speak to me at all from now on. I'll just go back to doing my job. I'll be Bella and you'll be Edward and once this job is done I won't ever have to see you again. It'll be like you never existed."
I couldn't fucking breathe. It was like every word she spoke stole a little more of the air from my lungs, leaving me gasping with nothing.
"Bella you don't mean that. We love each other…" I ignored her warning and stepped inside, flipping the light on. My breath hitched in my throat when I saw the rest of the apartment. There were two suitcases sitting beside the couch. Alice sat in the chair, her mouth a stern cold line across her face. Jasper sat behind her looking guilty as fuck, even though I know he hadn't done anything wrong.
Bella started to speak as Alice turned around and flipped on the television. Fuck. Me. There we were. Bella and I. Our pictures from that night back in the hotel were flashing like a slideshow across the screen. I blinked a few times and barely registered Alice mumbling something to Bella. All I heard was last check. She was firing her.
"Alice," I snapped. "I think you're overreacting a little. We can't just hire a new photographer right now!"
"I don't want liars working for me. I'm stuck with you because you're my brother but she's fired." She jumped up from the chair and left without another word to any of us.
"Can I…can I call you tomorrow?" I mumbled. Tomorrow it would be better right? She just needed some time to cool off, realize the truth. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?
"I don't think that would be a good idea. I need a break." Break. As in break up. She was breaking up with me. I shook my head and tried to reason with her again.
"I told you nothing happened."
"And I told you that you weren't welcome here. Get the fuck out."
I almost cowered back from the fire in her eyes and I knew I wasn't getting anywhere with her tonight. I nodded and stepped outside. She slammed the door behind me and locked it.
I leaned against the wall in the hallway and ran my fingers through my hair. I slid down the side of the wall and finally completely lost it. I started crying hysterically in the middle of the hallway. I never used to cry. I never showed any kind of meaningful emotion before her. And now something shifted. Love…life…meaning…gone.
Over an hour later I couldn't cry anymore. I stood up and brushed my pants off as I left. My car was still waiting for me but I didn't want to go back to my house.
"Back to your place Mr. Cullen?" He asked as I got in.
"Just stay here for now." I glanced up at their apartment and it was completely dark. "Fuck," I whispered. I pulled out my phone and dialed Rose's number.
"Edward?" She answered.
"I need help," I sniffled. "Everything's fucked up now."
"Where are you?"
"In a car outside Bella's apartment."
"I'll be right there." She hung up and was knocking on the window fifteen minutes later. I opened the door for her and she got inside.
We didn't talk for a long time. I just leaned against the window chewing nervously on my nails.
"Well I know about the pictures, but I'm assuming there's something else?" She said.
"Remember…when you found those things in my pocket after the French Open and ripped me a new one for sleeping with that girl."
"I didn't do what you said."
She glanced down at the jacket I was wearing and swore under her breath. "She found them."
"Yeah right after James tried to…attack her."
"God…" She whispered.
"She's okay." I laughed darkly. "Well she's not okay, but he didn't…" I shook my head. "What do I do? I need you to tell me what to do. You're always there to tell me…how to deal with things and I need you to tell me now. Do I send her flowers? What do I do?"
"I don't think Bella's a flower type girl honey." She reached over and touched my arm. I know a lot of people think Rose is a little harsh, but she has always been brutally honest and there for me when I needed it. Even after I treated her like shit. "I've seen you change Edward. I love Bella and I see how happy she makes you, but if she's not ready to trust you then maybe you two aren't ready to be together."
"Why the hell should she trust me? I don't even think I would trust me if I was her. It's just…God I've been trying so hard to be good for her and my past still comes back to haunt me. I'm never going to break out am I?"
"That's up to you. Do you need to stay with me and Emmett tonight?" She asked.
I shook my head and looked down at my feet. She sat with me for a little while longer before I told her she could leave. She looked a little hesitant at first but she eventually left and told me to call her if I needed anything. I did need something. But she didn't want anything to do with me.
I stayed in the car for the whole night, not sleeping. I felt like if I left it would make it all real. Early the next morning I told the driver to go to the nearest grocery store. I went inside and asked for the manager, telling him I needed the biggest box of frozen dinners they had in stock. I thought his eyes were going to bug right out of his head, but as soon as I gave him my credit card to pay for everything he went right to it. One of the stock boys brought it out for me and hauled it out to the car.
I told the driver to go back to Bella's place as I leaned forward and pulled a piece of paper from the glove compartment. I scribbled a note to Bella and asked the driver to deliver it. He looked like he was about on his last nerve with me, but I threw a couple hundred dollars at him and told him he could take me home after this. He did as I said and was back down to the car within ten minutes.
I don't know if I expected her to call me that day or the next, but I thought she'd call at some point. She didn't. I got a lot of calls and none were from her. They were all from the media. I eventually just turned my phone off when I realized she wasn't going to call.
I refused to turn on the television; I could only imagine what kinds of things were being said and shown. I didn't want to see any of it. A few days after the blowup I started calling her. She didn't answer of course, so I left messages. She never responded. A few more days passed and I was getting so fucking frustrated with everything. As bad as it sounds I wasn't used to not getting my way. I had no idea how to deal with it.
I'd finally had enough and drove over to her apartment. I was sick of not sleeping and feeling like shit all the time. I even picked up some damn flowers along the way just in case.
I stomped up the stairs and pounded on the door. Part of me was wishing Jasper wasn't here so I could talk to her alone.
I cursed when he opened the door.
"I need to see her man," I mumbled.
"She's not here Edward."
He was just doing what he was supposed to do. I understood that. He was protecting her like he told me he would if I fucked up. But I wasn't in the mood to deal with his bullshit right now.
I growled and pushed the door open, almost knocking him over. I started towards her bedroom door and wasn't surprised to see it closed. Maybe she was still sleeping. I just needed…to see her. I inched her door open and expected to see her in her bed. It was completely empty.
I stepped in and looked around her room. It looked almost bare. Hardly enough clothes to live off of. A lot of the things from her dresser and other random items are gone. She's gone.
"Where is she?" I asked. "Where is she!"
"Look Edward, I know you two are going through something. She just wants to be alone."
I clenched my fists at my sides and told myself not to hit him. It wasn't really his fault. I just needed to find some kind of release or I was going to lose it. I took a few deep breaths and started back towards the door. I threw the flowers down on the counter and left.
I called Emmett and told him I needed to play. And that's literally all I did. I played until he couldn't play anymore. And after that I just hit against the wall. For weeks I completely exhausted myself so I could pass out as soon as I got home. Because if I didn't my mind would go where I didn't want it to go.
I eventually stopped calling her, even though I almost wanted to just to hear her voice on her voicemail. It just got too painful. I felt like I was being ripped in two. I missed her like hell. But now there was something else. I was fucking angry. I was angry with me for being such a fuck up before. I was angry with her for reacting the way she did. I was angry with Alice. I was angry with Emmett for no fucking reason other than the fact that he was someone to be angry at. Angry.
"Edward you have a charity match tomorrow," Alice said. We hadn't spoken much since she fired Bella. And it was never anything other than business. I would never say I hated my sister but I was as close as I could get right now. I know she didn't cause this, but she didn't have to fire her. And it pissed me off that she was so upset about our relationship in the first place.
"Cancel it," I mumbled, tying my shoe up.
"I can't cancel it, we confirmed it a week ago."
"I said fucking cancel it!" I yelled. I stood up and started hitting against the wall.
"The car will pick you up at nine." She turned around and left.
Rose woke me up the next morning and made sure I was ready to go for the charity match. I honestly wouldn't have gone otherwise. I haven't played any kind of match since Bella left and I didn't know how to feel about it. I knew something was going to be missing.
I played like shit. I was fairly sure if it wasn't a charity match that I would have been thrown off the court due to my behavior. I got so caught up in playing that I almost forgot about everything else. I felt myself start to lose it and turned around, expecting to see Bella there to calm me down. She wasn't. I unconsciously reached up and scratched my nose. I love you Bella.
I finally broke down and had a drink. Or a lot of drinks. I bought three bottles of liquor and holed up in my house for like four days passed out drunk. Emmett finally came over and forced me to shower. That fucker threw out my liquor too.
A couple of weeks later I woke up in the night, fairly early since I'd passed out as soon as I got home from my practice. My heart started racing when I saw the flickering of my phone screen on my nightstand. I reached out for it just as it stopped. My fingers fumbled with the buttons as I scrolled for my missed calls. Bella. I blinked again and expected her name to morph into another, but it didn't. The little voicemail icon in the corner started flashing at me and I felt like I couldn't breathe.
"Fuck," I sighed. I quickly got into my voicemail and waited.
"Edward…it's me." Despite my split feelings towards her right now I found myself smiling a little. "I was just calling to see how you were. I um…Rosalie called and I just…" There was a long pause and I wondered if she hung up. "Fuck!"
I listened to the voicemail three times and took two shots of my newly bought liquor before I called her back. I didn't really think she'd answer anyway. She didn't sound too confident in that voicemail. I finally heard the phone open, but she didn't say anything. I barely registered her breathing in the background.
"Bella?" I whispered. Still nothing. I knew she was there. I bit down on my lip and waited. I waited for her to say something. I waited for me to figure out what to say. But I could only think of one thing and I knew it probably wasn't enough. "Baby I miss you so much." I winced as the line went dead. She was gone again.
I felt like absolute shit for the next week. If I wasn't playing tennis I have no idea what I would have done. It kept me from being emo and sitting in a dark room with mounds of chocolate. Besides that was a chick thing. I didn't do that.
Emmett and I were in the middle of a game when Alice stomped onto the court and almost got hit by a ball.
"We have to go," she said.
"We're in the middle of a game," I mumbled. I grabbed another ball and started back towards the baseline.
"Doesn't matter. Take a shower. We have to go." She turned around and stomped off the court.
I gave her the stink eye and threw the ball back down. I took a quick shower, got dressed and met her in the lobby.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"I don't know. We've been called in for a meeting."
She drove us across town and we were seated immediately in a large room. There were chairs all around and a row of old guys up at the front. I leaned back and crossed my arms over my chest wondering what the hell was going on.
"Mr. Cullen," one of them said. I raised my eyebrows at him.
"I'm Mr. Cullen's agent," Alice said. "What is this regarding?"
"It has come to our attention that you have failed one of your drug tests Mr. Cullen," he continued.
"Excuse me?" I blinked.
"Our lab found evidence of performance enhancers in your system. Unfortunately that is grounds for immediate suspension."
Performance enhancers. Steroids. Never touched that shit in my life but with how my life has been going lately it doesn't surprise me that something else got fucked up.
"This is preposterous," Alice said. "Have him take the test again there must be some mistake."
"We will review the case again Miss Cullen. The test was ran several times so I can assure you there was no mistake. Mr. Cullen is suspended from tournament play effective immediately." He started rambling on about more specifics but I wasn't there. I was numb, unfeeling. Tennis was the last thing I had and now it's gone. I have nothing.
I barely registered Alice elbowing me in the ribs, signaling it was all over. She immediately pulled out her phone and mumbled something about calling our lawyer. I sauntered outside and ran my fingers through my hair. I have to get the fuck out of here.
I started walking down the sidewalk when Alice turned away and quickly hailed a taxi. When I got home I packed a small duffel and grabbed my laptop before taking off in my car. I told Frank he could leave. I wasn't coming back anytime soon.
I had no idea where I was going. I just drove. I think I was unconsciously thinking I could find her. Despite how fucking angry I was with her right now I still needed her. God I was angry. I knew this wasn't her fault but now I was angry that she wasn't here to be with me. I needed her and she didn't care.
Alice, Emmett, Rose and even Jasper tried calling me. I completely ignored their calls and didn't bother listening to their messages. I knew what they would say and to be honest I didn't give a flying fuck. This was my mess to deal with. They didn't understand and they had no right to tell me how I was supposed to react to this. My life was gone. I think I'm allowed to pretty much do whatever the hell I want to.
I ended up in the middle of nowhere, no closer to her or any kind of solution. I stopped at the next bar I saw and decided if I was going to be numb I might as well do it properly. I drank until I passed out on the counter. Not my proudest fucking moment but at the time I didn't care. The bartender finally kicked me out and told me to go sleep it off at the motel next door. I did what he said, but came back again the next day. And the next day. I was drunk off my ass for about three days and honestly it was nice to not feel the pain of my loss.
When I finally sobered up I realized I couldn't stay here forever, so I called the one person I could deal with right now. The one who might actually understand and not lecture me.
"Edward?" Jake answered.
"Do you know?" I asked.
"Yes. God man, where are you? Everyone's freaking out."
"I'm sure not everyone."
"She called me," he said. My entire body froze. Bella called him.
"She sounded frantic, asked if I'd heard from you."
"Well hell if she was really that concerned she might have just tried calling me instead…"
"She said she did."
I shook my head and cursed under my breath. "I don't know what to do."
"I'm telling you this because I think…that even though you two aren't ready to admit it, you need each other right now. And it's the right thing to do." He took a deep breath. "She's in Forks. At her mom's old house."
"Thanks Jake. I'll see ya." I hung up and pulled my laptop out. I typed in Swan in the white pages and hoped that her address was still listed. Renee Swan. There it was.
I tapped my finger against the top of the table as I stared at it. I went back and forth at least a hundred times about going there. She didn't tell me where she was. Jake did. But he said she was worried? Did I even want to see her? Of course you do you douchebag. I stood up and started pacing around the room, practically pulling my hair out.
"Damnit," I whispered. I rested my forehead against the wall and slammed my fist down. I glanced back at my laptop once more before walking over to my duffel. I pulled out a blank cd and popped it into my laptop. I already had the playlist made; I'd done it right after she left for when she'd come back to me. And she never did. So it just sat there waiting to be heard. And now she was finally going to hear it.
I threw everything in my car and started off. It took me a few hours to get there and I had to stop and ask for directions twice. Yeah I know, I'm a guy. I'm not supposed to ask directions. But this was Bella. I had to get to her no matter what.
I sat out on the shoulder of the road outside her house for over an hour before I finally pulled into the driveway. It was raining like all hell was about to break loose but I didn't care. I took a deep breath and slipped her cd into the player before rolling down all the windows and stepping outside. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the car as I waited.
I saw some movement behind the window and a moment later she was running out the door. I told myself to stay, not to run to her. Seeing her just made everything more intense. The anger and the love. I didn't know which one to trust.
"How did you know where I was?" She asked.
"I…I heard the news. I'm really…"
"Listen I just need a place to stay for awhile. If you don't want me here I'll go somewhere else." That was bullshit. I wanted to be here with her.
"Oh." No it's okay. Come on in."
I grabbed my bag and the cd before shutting the car off. When I turned back around I felt the anger bubble up. I clenched my teeth and told myself to keep it together, but I couldn't.
"And just for the record, I'm fucking pissed at you." I went into the house and waited since I didn't know where anything was. She eventually came in and showed me up to where I'd be staying. And then she had the fucking nerve to ask if I needed anything. I shook my head and started unpacking as she left.
Do I need anything? I need you. I need to be able to play again. I need my life back. I sighed and threw my clothes back down on the bed before stomping down the hallway into her room. She was laying on her bed talking to someone, but she quickly stammered a goodbye and hung up.
"I lied," I said.
"When you asked if I needed something. "I needed you to fucking trust me. I needed you to…believe in me! Why couldn't you do that huh? Why did you have to jump to the worst fucking conclusion when I have done nothing to earn your distrust? I was faithful to you Bella and you threw it back in my fucking face. I mean do you know how it feels to love and hate someone at the same time? Because that's what I'm dealing with right now." There I said it.
"You're right. I fucked up, I'm sor…"
"Don't you dare tell me you're sorry because it's not enough!" Sorry wasn't going to put everything back to normal. It didn't work that way. "Don't you get it?" I felt like screaming. "You said…you trusted me. I've been completely honest with you and I just wish you would have done the same…"
"I panicked Edward! I fucking panicked okay? There is nothing that I can do or say that will take that back no matter how wrong I was. I hate that I did that to you. I hate myself for that. And you want me to be honest? I think I was always waiting for something to happen. And that's a shitty thing to do, but that's the truth. And then after I realized I fucked up and it never would I knew I couldn't go back. I was too embarrassed."
"You didn't think we were worth being embarrassed for?"
"We are worth everything to me!" She shook her head. "I thought I lost you and I even tried to move on. I tried. I fucking kissed another guy and I still couldn't get you out of my head! You are my entire heart and I broke it. I broke us." I pointed at my chest. "I did! And I guess if you hate me I have to face the consequences and own up to that. It was me! Are you fucking happy?"
"No." I couldn't do this anymore right now. It would have been naïve of me to think we could fix this with one screaming match. I knew it'd take some time. But despite my best efforts I felt so fucking drawn to her right now that I had to get out of there before I did something stupid. We both needed some time to deal with this together.
I did my best to avoid her for the next week. I know it was childish, but my body had to adjust to being around her and it wasn't doing so well. And I didn't just mean my dick. Of course I wanted her that way. She was fucking beautiful. But the very idea of being in her presence completely altered me.
And then one day I snuck downstairs and there she was doing dishes. I cleared my throat and went over to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water.
"You aren't going to talk to me?" She snapped. She spun around to face me.
"I have nothing to say." I didn't mean it like that. Shit. I just didn't know what to say.
I jumped back as s spray of water flew right at my face. What the fuck?
"Were you trying to fucking hit me?"
"No. It was an accident." She turned around and started working again like nothing had happened. I stomped over and scooped up some of her bubbles before shoving them in her face.
"Accident my ass."
"You are such an asshole!" She screamed. Next thing I knew we were both drenched and wrestling around on the floor for control over the sprayer. I didn't even realize I was on top of her until it slammed against the cupboard and there was nothing left to fight for.
I didn't expect to be this close to her yet and it wasn't going so well. Or it was going very well if you talked to Edward Junior. He was sure ready to party and I actually mentally yelled at him for being such a dick, literally.
I spit some water out of my mouth and glanced down at her lips. I wanted her. I involuntarily shifted my hips against her, looking for some friction.
"Really Edward? Right now?"
"I'm sorry. God what do you want me to do, it's a natural reaction."
"Are you going to get off me?"
For a moment I thought she said "Are you going to get me off?" and that didn't really help with the situation downstairs. My entire body was buzzing just being this close to her, like something out of a fucking romance novel. I could feel her energy all over my body and I couldn't move. I finally leaned down and clenched my eyes tight as I nuzzled into her hair. I expected her to push me away, but she didn't. She shifted briefly but didn't fight it. I grazed my nose down her jaw and her neck, taking her in with every breath. I pulled back and found her eyes, almost wondering if she was feeling it too.
"I need to…feel…" I tried to fight it. "Can I have you?"
I waited for what felt like a fucking eternity before I saw her inching up towards me. The moment her lips touched mine everything seemed to right itself. Almost like my entire world was on its axis, even if just for that moment. Everything was okay. And I needed her like I needed the oxygen around me. I needed to just…breathe her.
I reached down and pulled her pants down, praying that she wouldn't stop me. I wanted her to want this too. It would…kill me if she told me no. I moaned as she did the same to me and didn't waste anytime. When you've gone two months without this feeling you didn't. And it wasn't even about the sex, it was sex with her. So much more than anything I've ever experienced in my entire life.
It didn't take either of us long to find each other again, find our release. It hit me hard and fast. Part of me wondered if it was like that for her too. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to leave her because I felt like everything would go away again.
I finally rolled over and stood up. I pulled my pants back on and offered her hers. I was instantly terrified that she regretted it. I bit down on my lip and did the only thing I could do to focus right now. I grabbed a mop out of the closet and started cleaning up the mess.
When we were done we both started upstairs. I went to my room and stripped off my wet clothes. I glanced behind me and saw she'd done the same. She carried them to the bathroom and re-emerged a moment later with a towel wrapped around her. I followed suit and threw my wet clothes in the tub, but when I reached under the cupboard for a towel there were none.
I shuffled over to her room and watched her dry her hair before I spoke. She offered me her towel and I went back to my room to change. When I came back she was all snuggled up in bed and I wanted nothing more than to be there with her.
"So…" I started. I didn't know what to do. Did she want me to stay in here? I didn't want her to think I was an asshole who just wanted sex, but I didn't want to push her either.
My heart swelled when she pulled back the covers for me. I crawled in and pulled the covers back over us. She turned away from me and drifted off to sleep. I turned around so I could face her and scooted cautiously a little closer. I brushed my fingers lightly up and down her spine and she inched closer to me in her sleep, unconsciously responding to my touch. She finally rolled over to face me and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling us closer to together. I leaned over and kissed her cheek and her neck and her lips while she slept. She slept so soundly I started to wonder if she was having insomnia like me. "I love you baby," I whispered.
When I finally closed my eyes, I fell into a deep sleep. I think it was because I knew we were going to be okay. It might take some time, but we were going to be okay. And my proof was the feeling of her warm little body against mine. I could feel the beating of her heart against my chest and that was all I needed. A piece of the puzzle had finally been found.