A Twilight Crack-fic.
Disclaimer~~I really don't own 'Twilight.' I thought I did, but in fact my daughter just owns the books. She charges me to read them, the little shyster! I don't own the plot of 'The Acclimation Diaries' that's booboo_kitty. I do own a slightly disturbed mind; have three teenagers and one Chevy Cavalier that needs new brakes. Two of those three are negotiable to the right person.
A/N~~ I started this little one-shot a couple of months ago when I was re-reading 'The Acclimation Diaries' by booboo_kitty. I was inspired by the one line listed below and just could not get the idea out of my head. Seriously, the damn plot bunny done bit the hell out of my ankles until I finished this baby. I emailed miss booboo_kitty for permission to use her line as my inspiration and she was more than pleased to do so.
I hope I've done her proud by this little ditty
I so recommend her writing to everyone. It's wonderful, imaginative and funny as hell. Go, read. I'm commanding you.
I assumed everyone in the house knew what was happening because Bella couldn't break wind in her sleep without Emmett giggling from another part of the house. Excerpt from 'The Acclimation Diaries by booboo_kitty.
Leave me love, people. Hell, leave me indecipherable random words to keep me busy during my insomnia episodes. I really don't mind. Enjoy, I hope!
I worshipped the ground she trod upon, I adored every breath she took; she dazzled me with a look, a glance, a whisper of a movement. I loved my Bella with every fiber of my stone-like being, and I swore my dead heart skipped a beat when I received a simple smile from her.
But I'll never feed her three-bean chili casserole before she spent the night at my house again, while sleeping next to me. NEVER.
My nose hairs, not having been used to filter dirt and dust from the air like a living human, were curling up in protest while I tried to roll away from my Bella without actually leaving her arms. Do you know how hard that is, by the way? Every time I nudged back away from the explosion, she'd wriggle her cute little ass back into my body. I was trapped by a 120 pound woman who was gassing me out of my own bed, while she just snored softly with a slight smile upon her lovely face.
The passing of gas every three to seven minutes wasn't the worst, though, neither was watering of my eyes which hadn't happened since 1918. No, it was the reactions from my family, my loving supportive pain in the ass family. Especially Emmett.
As vampires, we hear every little thing about a human body, from the quickening of the pulse, to the blink of an eye. Emmett was giggling, that demented brother of mine, every time Bella farted. The louder the fart, the louder Emmett's laugh. I whispered from my third floor bedroom to shut the fuck up, but no. He just cackled louder and harder.
Bella fell asleep while curled up with me in front of the living room television, watching Young Frankenstein. I'd watched it in the theaters when it came out as I had always enjoyed Mel Brooks' work. The first time it had happened, she blushed beet red, excused herself and gone to the bathroom. During that time, Emmett had laughed lightly, but thankfully not enough to gain Bella's attention. I carried her up to our room and tucked her in, with me spooning behind her, a blanket folded between us: our normal sleeping arrangement.
The symphony of flatulence started as soon as she was horizontal.
'Dude, we gotta have her eat more Mexican food. This is fucking awesome!' My brother was officially an idiot. The bear that killed him must have dropped him on his head a few times first. He probably annoyed it too. I looked at the clock and cringed. It was only three am. She wouldn't wake up for another four hours, possibly five, and she'd only been asleep since one am.
I thought Jane's torture was bad, but this was almost strong enough to knock out one of us. At least once Jane stopped deluging your body with pain, it was done, Bella's dark gift would require airing out of the entire third floor, and possibly the rest of the house.
For a minute, I considered calling the wolf pack to come over and absorb some of the smell. It's not like having them in the house could possibly be worse.
The loud toots even made me laugh silently because they weren't as malodorous. But the quieter ones, the ones that took her a minute or more to pass were the worst. Holy shit, they absorbed into the blanket between us, warming it. I could feel the heat against my front and cringed. I had finally found a cure for my perpetual hard on: Bella breaking wind. I wondered if it'd ever get hard again, since right now it seemed to be trying to tunnel back up into my body away from the smell and heat. Poor penis.
Bella moaned a little in her sleep and her ass moved; a warning that another blast was going to come. I held my breath and closed my eyes in dreaded anticipation. I heard Emmett cackling and oh joy, Jasper was joining in. Evidently, Bella passing noxious odors helped relieve his bloodlust.
I hate my brothers and wish I was an only child again, sometimes. Okay, often.
"Mm, Edward. Yes, there… love you," my love whispered. Just before blasting a wave of toxic stench so intense I could swear my eyebrows were singed off. The blanket moved, moved, between us and warmed instantly.
Great, now the entire fucking family was laughing along with twit one and twit two.
"Epic. Fucking epic! So, it is true? Does a human chick fart when you fuck her up the ass?" I can't believe that prick was paraphrasing Jay and Silent Bob!
"Shut up, asshole! You know she's asleep."
"Hey, maybe you're fucking her in her sleep. You can't seem to do it when she's awake, limp dick."
I couldn't argue with that appellation right now. Poor dick was currently curled up somewhere just below my lungs, leaving the balls to fend for themselves in the toxic holocaust.
"God, you suck, Emmett."
'Who cares if I suck? The question is, does Bella?'
I hate him. It's official. Rosalie will have a eunuch for a husband by 9 am.
Before the decision had been completely formed, I had an image from Alice that made me cringe even more. Rosalie doing the same to me but using a nail gun to decorate the hood of the Aston Martin with my missing appendage.
Fuck that. No one screws with my car.
I had to get out of my room. I slipped my arm out from under Bella's pillow, leaned over the blanket destined for a landfill, and kissed her cheek lightly. "I love you, baby, but I need to leave for a little bit." I never thought I'd actually need fresh air again. Or that I'd actually miss the scent of her intoxicating blood.
She frowned a bit in her sleep, but she didn't wake up. She mewed a little but clasped the pillow I'd lay my head upon against her chest and curled back up. She snuggled her sweet little ass into the buffer blanket and let loose another ripper. The blanket ruffled a little with the air displacement. Of course it had my brothers snorting in laughter.
I wondered if I could consider leaving as self preservation. If a candle were too close to our bed…
I was so glad my family couldn't hear my thoughts.
The window was open (wasn't helping though) and it beckoned me, but I had to face the family sooner or later. I'd rather it was now while my love still slept. She'd be impossibly embarrassed if Emmett and Jasper said something to her in the morning.
Carlisle was blocking his thoughts from me while I walked down the stairs at a sedate human pace. He had memories of his shift in the ER at the forefront of his mind. Although he was the patriarch of our little family, he had a bit of the trickster in him too, and that worried me right now.
The family looked normal in the living room. Rosalie sat at my piano, writing a new composition while Emmett and Jasper were in front of the television playing some war game on the Wii. Alice and Esme were busy at the dining room table with China patterns. Carlisle was in his office reading.
Everyone but Esme was wearing a clothespin on his or her nose.
"Hey, Eddie, there's an oxygen canister in the kitchen for ya. Carlisle brought it from the hospital!" Emmett sucked.
Now I could hear Carlisle laughing softly in his office as he unblocked his thoughts.
"Not you, too, Carlisle!"
"I can't help it, son. It's quite funny. I have something up here for her, if you'd like to give her some when she awakens in the morning." Carlisle wasn't even pretending to be reading now, waiting for me in his office. I rolled my eyes and threw a vase at Emmett and Jasper, but with their vampire reflexes, they continued their game, while Emmett caught the vase and returned it to the coffee table. "Assholes!"
"Edward, language." Esme chided me softly. I mumbled an apology while glaring at my brothers.
"Yeah, Eddie, be a good boy for Mo—ow! Sonofabitch!" Jasper winced when I pounced on him and Emmett at the same time, interrupting their game.
"Boys! You'll wake Bella."
"That'd be dangerous. Then she'd come down here and gas us. Isn't there something in the Geneva Convention about cruel and unusual punishment?"
"No, Emmett. That's for prisoners of war. You're just a prisoner of your own idiocy. And Rose."
Images of Rose tying Emmett to their bed flooded my mind from both of them and I shuddered as I raced up to my father's study. Honestly, I'm not sure which was worse; Bella's nocturnal emissions or their perpetual horniness.
I entered Carlisle's study and sat across from him as he directed me to. I waited for him, vexed that he was blocking me again. I hated when he did that shit.
I cocked my head as I heard another bout of flatulence and Bella moaning my name in her sleep as she rolled over.
"I bet this was a better teacher about physiology than anything you learned at Harvard."
"How can she stand it?" The question came out before I could stop myself. I thanked God she couldn't hear me.
'Humans normally cannot smell their own body functions.. I'll try and rein your brothers in before she wakes but be prepared that they might try and taunt her.'
"I know. Over two hundreds years of existence between them and they still act like toddlers sometimes, Father," I sighed indulgently, teasing them. They sent mental and verbal taunts, but we ignored them. I wondered about what my father was hiding from me.
"I have something for Bella to use, like I said."
He reached inside his desk and slid the package across to me, fighting the smile he knew he yearned to let break free.
"Oh, go ahead and laugh! You're almost as bad as tweedle dum and tweedle dumber down there."
"Edward, we've rarely been able to tease you successfully due to your gift. You know it's not done maliciously."
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair as I eyed the name on the discreet box between us. 'UnderEZ, anti-flatulence underwear'! I rolled my eyes, tempted to grab the package, but refusing to give in.
"I'd rather you had brought home a gas mask for me." I knew my brothers, hell everyone but Bella, could hear. And my family didn't disappoint me. Both Jasper and Emmett were literally rolling around laughing. I could only hope they'd knock themselves out when their rock like skulls crashed together.
"Dude, I can't wait til tomorrow. I'm making dinner." Emmett laughed diabolically and thought of all the foods he could make for Bella. I groaned at the images of cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, and turnips danced in through my brother's head.
In defeat, I grabbed the proffered box and returned to my bedroom.
If worse came to worse, I could always were the underwear like a gas-mask while my love slept through her attacks.
HA! Did anyone get the other 'The Acclimation Diary' reference?
UnderEZ are real. www(dot)under-tec(dot)com I ordered some for father. Needless to say, he was not as amused as the rest of us while he opened the package on his last birthday.