I Wanna Feel Something

Trace Adkins

(CD: American Man – Greatest Hits, Vol II.)

If you're telling me I'm not on fire

You're just preaching to the choir

I've gotten dull as old barbed wire

From living

He didn't really remember the drive but somehow he had made it here in one piece. Here…to the only place he had left to go. Here to the arms that waited to hold him. Here to the woman that wept for his pain and loss and thought only to comfort him. To the new family (they..always…leave you) that waited to welcome him in.

He knew he should be thankful for her. Thankful that his brother (God Sammy…) had made him promise. But somewhere along the drive he had gone numb. He felt her arms around him and knew that he held her in return, but it wasn't real. Nothing was real. Nothing would ever be real again… (not without him.)

Last night I watched the evening news

It was the same old nothing new

It shoulda' cut me right in two

But it didn't

I don't know why it didn't.

Weeks passed and still he felt as if he were sleepwalking through what was left of his existence. He found a job. He would do his part to contribute (owe them that much) to his new family. He moved through his days wearing the mask of normalcy that people expected to see. Wearing the mask that told the outside world… (that told her) he was fine.

And yet, it was a lie. He could lie to everyone (never Sam…could never lie to Sam…) but himself. He watched as the world spun out of control. He saw the increase in terror attacks…wars…murder. The almost constant escalation of violence continued. Nothing had changed. He (they) had sacrificed everything and for what? What did it (anything) matter? He knew he should care but he didn't (couldn't).

But I wanna feel something

Something that's real

Something that moves me

That proves to me

I'm still alive

He had finally gotten his wish. He felt nothing. No fear, no anger…no pain… nothing. He truly was the walking dead. His heart had died in that graveyard, on that battlefield. Everything that made him human had crumbled as he watched the only person who mattered to him (his Sammy) throw himself into that hole. Castiel had fixed his physical injuries but no one (just Sam) could heal his heart.

He was living the life his brother had always wanted (deserved). White picket fence…dog in the yard…and it all felt as real to him as a nightmare in the first light of morning. This life should be (your life, not mine) a monument to Sam. His brother had only wanted him to be happy…to be loved…to live. This was just one more way that he had failed to live up to his brother's expectations.

I wanna a heart that beats and bleeds

A heart that's bustin' at the seams

I wanna care, I wanna cry, I wanna scream

I just wanna feel something

This was bad. He knew it. He knew that he (I'm sorry Sam…) would be upset. Sam would want him to live for both of them (can't…can't live without you…). He wanted to live up to his part of the deal. He wanted to remember what it was to love her (anyone). But when he reached inside he found nothing. Nothing but the hole (he jumped into that hole) that was left behind when the battle was over.

He remembered those moments after the ground closed (his grave). Remembered the tears and the pain sitting there (alone…don't leave me alone). Remembered screaming until his throat was raw and there was no voice left to hear…and yet he still screamed…silently. How strange to want that moment back…any moment back that let him feel his (brother) loss.

If you're telling me that's just how it is

I don't buy it

'cause once I was kissed

By a red-headed girl with cherry lips

On her porch when I was sixteen

God, he had to stop this. He had to start living; it didn't have to be this way (can't let it be this way). He could (would) still honor his brother's wishes. He had to… He spent a long time that day thinking. Thinking about everything that had happened, the good and the bad. Remembering the moments when he had felt the most alive (you were there…for all of them…) and trying to bring the memories to life again.

He remembered his first kiss (you were hiding behind that tree watching us). He remembered his first love (knew it was right because you liked her). He remembered the sound of laughter (his laughter) and the feeling of being needed (he needed me…she needs me…). He remembered all of these moments and more (so many more).

And I felt it somewhere in my soul

And time stood still and I couldn't let go

I can't tell you 'cause I don't know

How I got so cold

When did I get so cold

He wanted to freeze each memory and hold onto it forever. He wanted to slip back through the cracks in time and relive each moment of happiness they had shared (never knew it would end so soon). He wanted to experience the things that had brought him the most intense feelings of his life (even losing you). Something…anything…to jump start his heart. There had to be something (someone) that he could grab onto.

He knew he had the capacity to feel (to love). He knew his soul had been through the worst shocks that any one person could ever be asked (forced) to survive. He understood that total shutdown was his minds way of protecting (what was left of) his sanity. And he knew that he had to stop this before it was too late (don't lose her…too).

I just wanna feel something

Something that's real

Something that moves me

That proves to me

I'm still alive

He needed (please) to know that life was worth being a part of. He needed to want to be a part of (their lives) what was happening all around him. He wanted to give a damn about the world that they lived in. He wanted (needed) to love them…

He was afraid (sure) it was too late. Afraid…that was a feeling wasn't it? He had pushed her away for so long. He needed to break down the walls between them. Sammy had known he wouldn't (couldn't) go on alone. His brother had known what would be needed to force (allow) him to let go…move on.

Run my fingers through your fingers

'Cross your face and through your hair

And close my eyes

And breathe you in like air

I just wanna feel something

In that moment he could remember (feel?) what it was to love her. He could remember the nights they had spent together. He remembered the smiles (and so much more) shared between them in the dark. He remembered the feel of their limbs entwined on the edge of sleep. He could remember the taste of her skin and the softness of her touch.

He remembered how he felt as he walked away from her that last time…thinking… (knowing) that he would never see her again. He remembered how Sam had found him (how he knew where to find him). He knew that Sam had (always) seen what he couldn't let himself see. That Sam had known (his heart) better than him all along.

I hate that I'm jaded and I make you cry

But still you stick around me

Only God knows why

Damn it all to Hell I'm done

'cause I don't like what I've become

So come here baby

Come here baby

She was surprised when she came home that evening. The lights were low and the television was off (he always pretended to watch tv so he wouldn't have to talk). Her heart was beating in her throat when she saw him sitting there (alone…so alone) waiting for her. He thought he was fooling her but she knew the truth. She knew (could feel) the emptiness inside of him.

She had hoped (prayed) that with time he would heal. Now she was afraid that he (had given up) was leaving them. She felt her legs weaken and quickly sat down next to him before he could notice. It was only then that she noticed the (very real) tears. For the first time since he (had been lost) came here he was feeling the pain that he had blocked for so long. Her tears joined his as she heard him say, "I'm sorry."

I just wanna feel something

Something that's real

Something that moves me

That proves to me

I'm still alive

Run my fingers through your fingers

'Cross your face and through your hair

And close my eyes

And breathe you in like air

I just wanna feel

Something

Come here baby

A year had passed since the day that he had lost his brother. A year of love and laughter; sorrow and pain. As he stood (for the last time) in the same graveyard where he had last looked upon his brother's face he knew that it was time to let go. He let the tears flow freely knowing that they would be the last he cried for his brother (his Sammy). That's the way he would have wanted it (could never refuse you anything little brother)… Taking a deep breath he wiped the tears from his face, took the hand of the woman who stood beside him and the young boy that beamed up at him (like you used too) and walked back to their car. (Goodbye…)