A/N: I don't own Harry Potter
Summary: Three-part story that takes place during Deathly Hallows loosely based on another Fanfiction I read before but now can't find again.
Ron and Hermione get themselves captured by The-Man-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live. After finding out that he plans to kill them in front of Harry, they decide to make life HELL for the "Dark Lord" with the hope that Harry will rescue them before their last two weeks are up.
How to Annoy Voldemort Part I
17 year old Ron Weasley WASN'T happy. He had an argument with his friends and left them. As soon as he left, he realized he had been acting like a git and had tried to go back only to be captured by Death Eaters.
Suddenly, the door opened and a cloaked someone was thrown in with him.
"OW!" the someone said in a familiar female voice.
"Hermione?" Ron asked.
"Ronald?" Hermione asked lifting up her head and knocking off the cloak.
"Where's Harry?" Ron asked desperately.
"He managed to get away." She sighed. "I practically had to threaten his manhood, but he got away."
"What do you mean?"
"I told him that if he didn't get out of the ambush, I would make sure that if he survived Voldemort, he would NEVER have kids with ANY woman." Hermione said before getting a VERY dangerous look in her eyes. "Now… about YOUR behavior…"
"Hermione. I'm so sorry." Ron told her. "Ever since I left, I've been trying to find you guys to apologize. I don't know what came over me. The locket was doing something to my head. Every time I took it off, everything was straight, but..."
"I don't want to talk about it." Ron said.
"Then I have nothing to say to you." She said crossing her arms and turning her back.
Ron sighed as he thought about the visions he had when wearing the locket. The visions of his best friend and his crush in love with each other.
"The locket was right." Ron sighed catching Hermione's ears as he went to the small window with bars on them. "You and Harry didn't need me. I didn't do anything but get in the way. I was always overshadowed. Harry by his fame and you by your brain. It's no wonder you two prefer each other."
"Ronald Weasley!" Hermione lectured. "that is the STUPIDEST thing I've EVER heard. In case you haven't noticed, Harry NEVER wanted his fame AND he prefers GINNY! You saw them kiss on his birthday…AFTER they broke up! He still has feelings for HER! HER! Not me! The only feelings Harry has for me are the equivalent as your feelings for Ginny! And vice versa!. Harry is the brother I never had! You mean more to Harry than ANY of his friends…including me! You were his first friend EVER!"
There was a moment of silence.
"If it's any consolation, Harry and I found the means to destroy the locket." She added
"But what about you?" Ron added.
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked before it clicked. Ron wasn't jealous because he was feeling out of the loop. He was jealous because he had feelings for her. "You're… you have feelings for me?"
She just barely saw the nod. So, she walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek.
"I have feelings for you too."
Suddenly, the door opened and the two were grabbed and taken out of the room.
In Voldemort's 'throne room',
"Well, well." Voldemort said. "Potter's two best friends. Imagine my shock to find Potter still alive after our meeting last Christmas."
"What meeting?" Ron asked.
"Silence Blood traitor!" Malfoy exclaimed.
"Malfoy. Do not harm our…guests." Voldemort told his death eater. "No harm is to befall these two."
"Huh?" the two prisoners asked
"At least…not until Potter can witness." Voldemort said. "You two will remain here until the final battle in which you will be brought. When Potter can see you, THEN you will be killed. After all, Potter won't be able to think straight when he witnesses the deaths of his two closest friends."
"THAT'S your evil plan?" Ron asked causing Hermione to get an idea to see if Voldemort was serious.
"It's so simple!" she exclaimed. "Just like taking candy from a baby…however SOME of us might find that harder than others."
She looked pointedly at Voldemort.
"Hermione? What are you doing?" Ron asked.
"I've met chunks of CHEESE with more cunning plans." She continued.
"Take them away!" Voldemort said.
"What was THAT back there?" Ron asked.
"I was testing him." Hermione said. "See if he could really withhold the urge to kill. I must admit, I'm impressed."
"Well, THAT'S over." Ron sighed as he plopped on the bed.
"Oh no." Hermione said with a smirk. "It's just beginning. I heard Voldemort say that he plans on having the final battle in two weeks. Plenty of time to gather all of his followers. Well, I'M going to give him two weeks of HELL."
"Why?" Ron asked.
"Well, we can look at it in two ways: One, Harry won't let us die. He'll rescue us. And if he doesn't, then we go to way number two: We're going to die anyways! Might as well make the most of what's left of our lives and continue it up to the last possible second and let everyone know what all we've been doing. That way, we die unafraid of Voldie-poo."
"I guess you do have a point." Ron said.
"But truthfully, let's assume Harry's going to rescue us." Hermione said
The next day (Monday),
"Why sir!" Hermione said sarcastically when she saw Voldemort. "You look positively menacing today. In fact, you deserve to be announced. Ron, drumroll."
Ron beated on the edge of the door.
"Bitches and Death Eaters!" Hermione announced. "May I Presents….THE MAN WHO LET THE BOY LIVE, TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE!"
She started clapping on her own as Ron threw torn up scraps of the parchment like confetti as the Dark Lord came in with a look that was a cross of fury and confusion.
"Marvolo?" Ron asked. "That sounds like a laundry detergent."
"Can we kill them now?" Bellatrix asked
"Not until Potter shows his face." Voldemort said before conjuring up a board. "Now, in two weeks, we'll head over to Hogwarts and then…"
Hermione raised her hand.
"What Mudblood?" Voldemort asked annoyed.
"You spelled Acromantula wrong." She corrected. "I mean, why on earth would you spell THAT wrong? It was the creature you blamed to be the monster in the chamber even though everyone knows now that it was your pet basilisk that was killed by a twelve year old boy."
"ANYWAYS!" Voldemort continued. "We'll go through the forest and kill the centaurs. Potter's already made an alliance with them through their new leader. So, we'll go to the Acromantulas…"
"It's your funeral." Ron said rolling his eyes.
"OUT!" Voldemort yelled.
"Now, now…" Hermione said wagging her finger at the Dark Lord. "Do you think Salazar would approve of that tone of voice."
However, they left.
"Oh that was good." Hermione laughed as Ron checked inside a closet.
"Hey, Mione." Ron said. "Check this out. They have masks for each day of the week."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked as she eyed some paint.
"What are you doing?" Ron asked.
"I'm making cookies for the meeting." Hermione said innocently as she opened the oven to reveal lightning bolt shaped cookies. "Now be a dear and help me sprinkle them."
She tossed him the container of red sprinkles.
"So…what's our suicide mission today?" He asked.
"I was thinking that we make puppets for a puppet show for the Death Eaters." Hermione said. She then pulled one out. "I was working on this all night."
It was a Marinette of Harry.
"Well, I was thinking of this for later on in the week." Ron said pulling out a piece of parchment.
"My Dearest Tom…" Hermione read aloud. "I can't hold it in much longer. The real reason why I betrayed the Potters…." She read the rest of the letter silently looking a tad green. "With all my love, Wormtail?"
Suddenly, the door opened and Hermione hid the puppet and the note as Voldemort walked in the room with Wormtail
"What is THIS?" he demanded
"I made you cookies." Hermione told him sweetly. "It was my grandmother's recipe, may she rest in peace."
"And the shape?" Wormtail asked.
"They HAVE to be lightning." She said. "It's what gives them their names: Thunder Cookies."
"Uh…Sir?" Ron asked waving a hand in front of his nose "Did you take a shower? If you did, you MUST tell me where you got that garlic-scented soap."
"GARLIC-scented?" Hermione repeated before tsking. "How will you EVER get the vampires on your side?"
"Simple." Voldemort said. "Offer the vampires the blood of my enemies."
"*Stupid!*" Hermione coughed.
"Sir? I have a few more questions." Ron asked innocently. "Why were you afraid of an old, frail man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight little babies?"
"And why would you want to harm a hair on that sweet, innocent, cute, little baby?" Hermione asked. "You know, I know this GREAT therapist in London."
"He doesn't NEED a therapist Hermione." Ron told her. "He's OBVIOUSLY mildly depressed and a bit of a control freak."
"Sir? Isn't the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?" Hermione asked.
"12 more days." Voldemort muttered trying to keep his temper as he left the room with Wormtail right behind him.
When he was gone, the prisoners started laughing.
"We're brilliant." Ron said.
"We make a great team."
"Sir." Hermione said. "We have a special treat for you."
"Oh?" Voldemort asked with a sigh. "And what might that mean THIS time?"
"A puppet show!" Ron said.
They got on their make-shift stage and rolled up the curtain to show a puppet of Ginny on the floor.
"Oh No! Ginny!" Ron said as he moved the Harry puppet across the stage.
"She won't wake." Hermione said in a Darth Vader like voice.
"Who are you?" Ron said. "And why won't she wake?"
A Darth Vader puppet came out.
"Luke, I am your father."
"I'm not Luke. I'm Harry Potter." Ron said.
"Huh?" Hermione said in a confused deep voice "Where's the script?"
Ron lifted up Ginny's puppet and the two good guys turned to each other as Hermione brought out the Voldemort puppet.
"Some kid of about twenty years old burned off my hair with a light sword." Hermione said in a different kind of deep voice. "Don't worry. I killed him for you."
"You killed my son!" Vader asked. "No wonder everyone hates you! How DARE you kill my baby boy!"
"Wow!" Ron said in a high pitched voice playing Ginny. "Voldemort ACTUALLY managed to kill a baby."
"Didn't you hear him?" Ron said in Harry's voice. "The boy was in his twenties."
"That's IT!" Hermione said in Voldemort's voice. "MY BELOVED PET BASILSK! I CALL UPON YOU!"
She then pulled out a basilisk puppet made from a green sock.
"I'm not scared of your stupid snake!" Ron said as Harry before hissing what Voldemort heard as being gibberish.
The snake then turned and lunged for Voldemort. Hermione gave him a girlish scream and hid him behind Darth Vader. The snake then ate the misfit.
"NOOO!" Hermione said pulling out a new puppet of Princess Lea. "Who's snake is that?"
"His." Ron said making his Harry puppet and Ginny puppet point to Voldemort.
The new puppet then pulled out a light saber and started whacking the puppet Voldemort as Harry chopped up the basilisk.
"What should we do now?" The Harry puppet asked the Ginny puppet while standing on the dead snake
"I don't know. Maybe we can give some of the basilisk poison to Malfoy and sacrifice him to the cause?" the Ginny puppet asked "But first…be mine Harry!"
"But Voldemort will only use you against me like he did my godfather. I can't loose you too! If I did, Dumbledore would be the LEAST of Tommy-boy's worries."
"But the love we have for each other can defeat him. Watch."
The puppets then kissed and the other Voldemort puppet went flying and the basilisk was opened by a light saber.
"DADDY!" Lea exclaimed as she ran into Vader's arms.
"Too…much…love." The Voldemort puppet managed to gasp before, "Gah!"
"The End." The two puppeteers said.
Some of the denser Death Eaters started clapping.
"11 more days." Voldemort said tensely.
Thursday VERY early morning,
Voldemort groaned when he heard a knock on his door. He opened it to find it empty. He closed it and got back in bed before hearing another knock. He got up and opened it again to find it empty again. This went on for about an hour.
At around eight, he woke up for real and left his room dressed in Carebears pajamas and pink bunny slippers with a lightning bolt and glasses painted on his face.
"Nice outfit your lordship." Hermione said.
Voldemort looked down.
"WHAT THE HELL…?"
"You know…I think Grumpy bear best suites you." Hermione said. "Either that or Tender Heart. Growing up… Sunshine Bear and Braveheart Lion were my favorites."
"Oh sir…" Ron said pulling out his now crumbled letter. "I found this when exploring your lair. I think you might want to see this."
Voldemort took it and read it to himself. The prisoners could have sworn they heard a growl as he read about Wormtail's undying love for him.
Hermione took a sip of her chocolate milk from a straw before blowing bubbles into it.
"Hey Ron! I just discovered a new instrument!" she exclaimed before blowing bubbles to the tune of 'Hedwig's Theme'.
"That's nothing!" Ron said pulling out a comb and tissue. He blew THAT to the tune of 'Hedwig's theme'
"10 more days." Voldemort sighed "It'll all be worth it when Potter witnesses me torturing his friends and then killing them."
Voldemort came down the stairs to find the two prisoners at breakfast.
"I see you replaced your new Carebear pajamas with pink ones." Ron observed.
Voldemort looked down and groaned at the pink pajamas with red hearts on them
"That reminds me of a song I learned in Girl Guides on a trip in America." Hermione said before singing,
I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot
I wear my flannel nightie in the winter when it's not
And sometimes in the springtime, and sometimes in the fall
I jump between the sheets with no...
She trailed off turning bright red as she realized what the rest of the song was and didn't want to give Ron ANY ideas
"You muggle girls have all the fun." Ron told her.
"One more week." Voldemort muttered before telling them. "My followers and I are going to get the dementors. There will be wards up so don't bother escaping."
"Escaping?" Hermione asked horrified. "We would never DREAM of doing that!"
Ron slapped Voldemort's arm. "Mosquito."
"Bye! Have fun! Reek havoc!" they yelled as the Death eaters left after reluctantly putting on the painted masks that wouldn't come off.
"I'm amazed Voldemort didn't see his new pink nail polish." Hermione said.
"What now?" Ron said.
"Well, I found some more paint." Hermione said.
An hour later, Voldemort's room was pastel pink with white hearts and red lighting bolts.
Two more hours later, the entire lair was decorated like the Gryffindor common room.
"Well, we'll be going out with a bang." Ron observed before yawning. "Now what?"