Christmas special! Even though I'm a wee bit late, cough cough.


Chapter 11: The Nutcracker!

"Alright, sis. Now I know the perfect tale to tell you!" The faceless male clapped his hands in anticipation causing her to tilt her head to the side in questioning.

The boy grinned widely, "In the spirit of the holidays, I'll tell you the story of the Nutcracker!"

"Spirit of the holidays?"


"Big brother, it's April."

He waved her off, "Haven't you ever heard of 'Christmas in April'?"

"Isn't it 'Christmas in July?'"

He coughed into his hand, "Regardless, the show slash tale slash story will still commence! Now sit back, hold onto your plushie, and prepare to be amazed by an epic tale of romance, adventure, dance numbers, and Russian femme fatales!"


T'was the night before Christmas and all the house was at its best. All the children were gathered at the tree, right before they were put to rest.

Alice and Black Joker, both at the ages of five and eight respectively spontaneously appeared within the hall before a giant and elegantly adorned Christmas tree was.

The brunette was the first to come to realize her surroundings were changed and instantly she began blinking owlishly about, "Again! Again! It happened again! Wow!" She clasped her hands together before looking down at her dress, "Ahhh! Ali's dress is so pretty this time!"

Black Joker clutched his head tiredly, "What the hell, man?" He gave a grunt as he looked around at the festive decorations around him, "Whoa, what the fuck? Where the hell am I?" He looked at Alice, "Who the hell are you?" His eye landed on some of the faceless children playing with toys nearby, "Who the hell are they?" He gazed down at his shirt front, "And what dick sucking loser put me in these ugly as shit clothes!?"

"Big brother! You're the same one from the first time!" Alice exclaimed with a giggle before she rushed over to encase the boy's arm in a hug.

Twitching his eye, the boy looked down at her in irritation, "No one said you could touch me, snot face."

"You're still so funny!"

"The only funny thing here is your ugly face! Get off of me!"

Young Claire and Fritz were both at careful attention because at any moment their Godfather Drosselmeyer would be within the mention.

"Within the mention? What the fuck does that mean?" The redhead bluntly inquired to the ceiling.

Alice tilted her head to the side slightly, "Hey, hey, big brother, what does that word mean?"

Black Joker glanced at her plainly, "How do you not know what 'mention' means? Are you that stupid, brat?"

"Hey! I'm not stupid! I'm not talking about that word, I meant the one that started with an F—"

Godfather Drosselmeyer then decided to appear and his entrance was met with nothing but good cheer.

Black Joker watched up at the ceiling blankly, "What is even going on here? Why are you speaking in suspicious rhymes?"

Because, my dear Fritz, this is a holiday story. If things don't rhyme, I wouldn't catch the season's spirit in all of its glory.

Before he could respond, he gave a shout of pain as Alice strongly tugged on his arm with one of her fingers pointed to the door excitedly, "Big brother, look! It's a magic man!"

"Ow! Fuck! Let go of me, damn it! Are you part fucking gorilla!?" He cried out as he was dragged toward the entrance where all the other faceless children had scrambled off to in order greet the new hooded figure that stood.

Ace grinned widely as he took his hood off his head and took a further step inside, "Hello, kiddos! Have no fear; Godfather Ace is here to help get the plot moving along!

"He looks so charming and handsome!"

"He looks like a serial killer."

The Knight of Hearts took one look at the only two children in the room that possessed eyes and put a hand to his chin thoughtfully, "It seems as though the Narrators are doing a bit better with their role picking. Two little kids that aren't the Tweedle Twins, very accurate!"

The instant he glanced over at the two of them, the redhead groaned lowly with his eyes fleeting away, "Just looking at his creepy ass face is giving me gas. Fuck this shit. How the hell do I go home?"

Godfather Drosselmeyer was quite the charm as seen from the numerous toys he had in his arms.

"That guy is shady as fuck. If he ain't selling little kids on the black market, I can guarantee you he sticks his penis in their bodies after he kills them. As if I'm going anywhere near him or his toys—AH!"

"Big brother! Let's go play with the toys!" Alice obliviously hyped as she yanked the redhead forward to the pile of toys that were at Ace's feet.

The standing brunet let out a laugh as he ruffled Alice's hair good naturedly, "You know, you remind me of a little girl I once met when I was younger!"

Alice held a stuffed bear in her arms brightly while she looked up at the older man's face with a wide smile, "Really!? Was she your childhood lover!? How romantic!" She exclaimed blissfully at the fairy tale thought.

Ace blinked, "What? No, not even close! She was some girl that died out in this bear infested forest with me this one time when I was a kid."


"You look a lot like her!" As an afterthought he held his chin, "Well, you look like her before a flesh eating bear managed to maul her face up beyond human recognition with its teeth when it tried gnawing off her head." He smiled down at her kindly, "Better be careful about going out in the woods without a weapon to protect yourself before you end up dead like her!"

As Alice's eyes began welling up in tears, Black Joker stared up at the ceiling tiredly, "Okay, so what the fuck do we do now? If this is a story like Joker told me before, then we finish the plot and go home, right?"

That is right, Joker that isn't White.

"Alright. I admit. That was kind of clever. But how else will this story get a move on!?" He gave Alice an irritated look as she began balling over something Ace said and the Knight simply patted her head with a smile in an attempt to ease her distress, though it was clearly not working, "I'm going to go crazy. Please tell me it's over."

Hopefully it's been kind of fun because your role is almost done. Break the Nutcracker that young Claire holds so dear, and you'll be able to leave with no fear.

"Who the hell is Claire!?" He eagerly questioned before whirling around to look at Alice who now lowered her cries to small sniffles when Ace offered her a Nutcracker.

Growling under his breath, he immediately stomped over to her and attempted to snatch away the Nutcracker, but before he could, Alice pulled it away from his reach with pursed lips.

"Hey! It's mine!" She stated to him with furrowed eyebrows.

Black Joker seethed at her in annoyance, "Give me the damn thing! I need to break it so I can peace the fuck outta here!"

"Break it!? No! Big brother Ace said it's mine! I like it, you can't!"

"Listen here you little bitch, you're going to give it to me before I—OW! Fuck!" He painfully exclaimed after Alice headbutted herself into his stomach with enough force to send him crashing to the floor.

The brunette stuck her tongue out at him, "If you're trying to bully me, try again! My big sister already taught me how to deal with bullies!"

Ace watched the display with impressed eyes, "That's a good technique you have. Though I believe the more appropriate way to deal with bullies would better be slicing their stomach open so they're left trying to keep their intestines in, but… For a kid that's impressive enough!"

Alice beamed at him, "Thank you! She said if a headbutt doesn't work just punch them in the face, but big brother already has one messed up eye, I didn't want him to get another!"

"Oh, wow, you're a very considerate little girl. Your parents raised you well."

"I'm surrounded by fucking psychopaths! As if Joker isn't enough to be around every day!" Black Joker groaned out in frustration, his hand still holding his stomach in pain from Alice's earlier attack.

Alice turned to him curiously, "Aw, don't cry, big brother! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings!"

The redhead's cheeks flushed slightly as he glared at her angrily, "I'm not fucking crying, you bitch!"

Obliviously, Alice frowned, "If you wanted to play with my toy, you just had to ask! Here you go! We can share!" She sang out happily before lowering the Nutcracker in offering to him, "So don't cry anymore, please~"

Black froze for a second, his eyes watching ahead at the five year old's smiling face before they averted to the wooden toy she had pointed down to him.

Slowly he reached his hand out in order to take it.

"Thanks, even though you're still a fucking psycho for headbutting me, this was pretty cool of you. But yeah, sucks for you because I'm still going to break it." He blankly informed her before he clutched it with both hands and pulled on it until he heard a snap, "Oops."

"Ohh… That looks pretty bad. I don't think we can fix that…"

"Waaah! You broke it! Why would you do that!?"

Letting out a maniacal cackle, Black Joker threw his head back, "Later, bitches! Hopefully I never see your shitty faces again! And if I do, I hope you're both suffering—OW! OW!"

"Why did you break it!?" Alice demanded while teary eyed as she grabbed the still grounded Joker by the collar and began shaking him violently, "It was precious to me! You broke it!"

"Precious to you!? You barely had the piece of shit for two minutes! Now let me go and get off!"

"It wasn't a piece of a chip!"

"I said piece of shit, not chip!"

"It wasn't a piece of a ship!"

"I said shit!"

"Ali doesn't know what that means!"

"It means crap!"


"Your name is Ali!?"

"Yes! What's yours!?"


"That's a nice name!"

"Thanks! Yours is kind of cute, I guess! Don't take it the wrong way!"

"I won't!"

"Why are we still yelling!?"

"I don't know!"

"Does the Narrator have a thing for child on child action?" Ace curiously inquired to no one in particular as he watched Alice remain straddled on top of Black Joker as the two continued shouting at one another, "Oh! I get it! The other has homoerotic fantasies and this one is into pedophilia—"

Now! Now was the time when all the bitches in the house came to a hush for the moon was up high now with its white blush.

The parlor now became darker and silent as all of the lights within it shut off except for the ones that decorated the large tree within and the former occupants there all disappeared.

Young Claire emerged out from her bed, her face the perfect image of dread. She entered the parlor with her thoughts only able to harbor the thought of her precious broken Nutcracker… Nutcrackor… Er-or…

Alice, now back to her normal age grunted as she suddenly popped up in the middle of the parlor.

She glanced up at the ceiling in annoyance, "Oh, come on now! I was just kicking Blood's butt in chess! I was about to checkmate him! You couldn't have worse timing, I swear!" Gritting her teeth, her eyes looked down at her clothes and surroundings for some sort of idea of what she was being pitted with.

"A Christmas tree?" She skeptically voiced with her eyes critically looking around, "Hm… Could it be that I'm in 'A Christmas Carol…?' Cool. Just don't make the Jokers or Ace the Ghost of Christmas Future and I should actually have some fun with this…"

As she stepped out the clock above struck midnight and she soon found herself filled with nothing but fright.

"Oh, hey, that rhymed. Cool… Er… Wait, what was that fright part again?"

For that area of the house was rapidly filled with mice and it was clear that they certainly weren't nice.

"Ah!" Alice cried as she jumped in surprise as a bunch of small rodents were suddenly at her feet scurrying around.

Her eyes grew wide as she watched them begin walking on two legs and begin sword fighting with toys around their size.

The tree behind her began flashing various lights and she clutched her head in realization, "The Nutcracker!"

Right after her words, Alice flinched when the sharp sensation of her skin being pierced executed over the top of her foot. Hopping backward, she gave the mouse that waved its sword up at her a glare before she watched its attention get taken away by a toy soldier.

"Rude." The foreigner mumbled before her eyes began looking around in search of the Nutcracker, "Alright, so where is he? This story needs to get a move on—"

Just then, above the fireplace and right before her eyes, the Christmas tree began to rise in size!

Alice let out a gurgling noise from the pit of her throat, a blank expression coming to her face, "It doesn't grow in size. I'm actually supposed to shrink."

Excuse me, Claire, but that's not up for you to declare.

"Did you just rhyme Claire with 'clare'?"

Don't be so arrogant, that's so irrelevant. I'm the one in control, so close your pie hole.

"Arrogant and irrelevant don't even really rhyme. Not only that, but you claim to be in control and you're doing a terrible job. As if your character role picking skills weren't bad enough, hah." She put a hand over her mouth with a condescending glance away.

Hey! Rhyming everything isn't all fluff and dreams! It's not nearly as easy as it seems!

"No one's asking you to rhyme."

It's in the spirit of the holidays so my rhyming stays.

"I didn't ask for an explanation either."

Anyways, so back to our tale before Claire made me bail, the tree began to grow ever so slow!

Alice yawned tiredly as she watched the sights all around her begin to escalate in size gradually.

When her size shift ended, she folded her arms over her chest and watched the battle occurring between the mice and toys carry on through expressionless eyes.

"It's pretty sad to think that Wonderland's made me pretty apathetic to something like this."

Nearby, a gingerbread man body slammed one of the rodents while a rag doll was hurricanrana'd to the ground.

"Is it bad that I'd pay money to see the role holders doing this? If you want an interesting story, don't make so few role holders participate. You should get us all together."

What? Really? I'm surprised, normally when I bring in more of you I get chastised.

"I was being sarcastic…" Alice trailed off as suddenly her eyes perked up at the sound of her voice being called.

"Alice! Alice!"

Blinking, she watched through uneasy irises as Pierce began running toward her amid the battles that were taking place on the floor. On his head was a small crown; over his shoulders was what looked to be some kind of fancy robe and in one of his hands was a knife.

"Oof!" She gasped out after he collided into her, his embrace practically knocking the wind out of her body.

Pierce frantically pulled away from her, his eyes wide with fear, "Alice! It's not safe! We need to run!"

"You're not the Nutcracker, Pierce. What are you doing?" The outsider calmly questioned him, "If anything, as the Mouse King you should be—

"Alice, it's not safe! We need to run!"

"Not safe? What makes you think that?"

Alice's eyes slowly casted off to the side where a legless gingerbread man began crawling his way back into battle with a knife stuck in his back.

She returned her gaze to Pierce, "It's all a story after all."

"B-but the cat!" He frightfully exclaimed and it immediately clicked in the brunette's mind.

"Boris is the Nutcracker? That was a little cruel, don't you think?" She questioned up to the ceiling through blank eyes.

Sighing, she returned her gaze back to the distressed dormouse, "Okay, now just calm down, Pierce… Where is Boris anyways?"

Right after her words, her head tilted to the side past Pierce's head where she saw the male in question rapidly approaching the pair.

"He's going to eat me!" Pierce wailed before he began running.

Alice released a heavy sigh as Boris shot past her and continued after Pierce, audibly giving a laugh, "It's been so long since we've seen each other, stop running so we can properly reunite!"

Skipping all forms of prattle, the Nutcracker and Mouse King began to battle!

The outsider gave a wince as she watched Boris pounce on the smaller male.

"Uh… I think the Mouse King is supposed to have the advantage over the Nutcracker, not the other way around."

Ding dong, you are wrong.

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm right… God, what is he doing? Trying to use the sword as a knife? Ah, come on, Boris that'd just be plain messy… Oh, Pierce got away… And he's running… He's running back this way… And Boris caught him again…" She folded her arms over her chest while she began walking towards them tiredly, "I think I'm more cut out for this Narrator stuff than you are, honestly."

"I mean, you don't even know the storyline." Alice shook her head as she now made it over to the struggling pair.

Unmercifully, she gripped at one of Boris' ears to pull him upward, "Stop goofing off. We need to get through the story." She lightly scolded.

Boris let out a cry of pain, "Ow! Ow! Who the f—" His words stopped slowly as he looked upward at her, his golden eye shining up at her in confusion.

Alice gave him a chastising gaze, "Come on, Mr. Nutcracker, we've got a date with the Sugarplum Fairy."

"Uh… Do I know you?" He questioned curiously, hand stuck his sword to the side of Pierce's head as the dormouse gave a fearful squeak.

Alice blinked her eyes, "What are you talking about, Boris?"

With Claire and the Nutcracker's attention taken away, the Mouse King took that chance to slay!

Alice and Boris kept eye contact, not listening to the Narrator as Pierce then wiggled his way out from under Boris and immediately began sprinting away fearfully.

The outsider didn't look away from the Cheshire Cat that now stood to his feet, his expression now becoming interested, "You know my name?"

Nodding slowly, Alice watched up at him before he lowered himself down to sniff at her neck, "This is strange… I end up in this place dressed like a solider at like four inches tall with all these rats and toys and now this… Are you a part of this whole madness?"

"Why are you acting like this is different from usual? You were in a story just the other day—Eek!" She squeaked out as she felt his arm constrict around her waist to pull her closer.

One of his hands moved upward to touch at her chest and Alice found her face heating up immensely while he obliviously moved into her body more, "You smell good." He blankly informed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" Alice cried through flustered eyes as kneed the cat eared male in the crotch.

Boris let out a string of curses while he fell to the ground clutching at his groin.

Realizing she may have hit him too hard, both of her hands flew to her mouth with apologetic eyes, "Oh my God! Sorry, I didn't mean to…"

She stopped herself, her face suddenly lighting up in realization.

"… Crack your nuts."

"Don't go making puns at my expense!" Boris gasped out painfully.

"I'm so sorry, Boris… Ah… Can you stand?" She questioned cautiously while she moved to help him up, but the male began crawling away from her as she reached.

The Cheshire Cat's hands didn't move from his crotch even as he squirmed on the ground, "Stay away from me!"

"I'm trying to help!"

"And I'm trying to crawl away!"


"Look, if there's a person playing the Nutcracker here, it's you! Take my sword and do whatever you want, just stay away!"

"Boris, you can't just crawl away from your duties! You have to… Cat walk from them…"

"I'm done with you and your puns, Miss Ballcruncher lady, bye!"

"Wait! I didn't mean it! It just slipped out!"

And with those amends, I must say, this wonderful tale came to an end.


"Yup." The teen nodded his head with a hand to his chin, "Claire and the Nutcracker got married sometime soon despite the Nutcracker's claim that he didn't know who the hell she was even though Claire insisted she knew him, but since she hit his balls so hard he couldn't have children. Quite a tragedy."

His sister blinked, "This didn't feel very holiday-ish at all, big brother…"

"I tried my hardest!"

"Sorry, sorry… I'm just saying it could have been done a bit better…"

Pouting slightly, his arms crossed over his chest, "Fine! I guess I'll just have to tell another one then!"

Brightening up, the little girl grinned, "Yay, yay!"


Happy New Years!

Never would have thought the beginning of 2014 would be me getting back into the HnKnA series, pfft.

Also, if it isn't obvious, I used Dia!Boris here, hence why he didn't know who Alice was and what not aha.