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I don't own Twilight, I don't own Lord or the Rings or Harry Potter, and I'm in no way affiliated with Steps, Madonna, or Monty Burns. I just had this amazing idea for a crackfic while I was watching the video for 'Steps – Deeper Shade of Blue.' Hope you enjoy!


"We can't do this Carlisle," Rosalie argued back. "The Volturi will never let us go public."

"They won't let us come out as vampires, but as superheroes..." Jasper brooded from the corner. He was dealing with a barrage of emotions—hope, fear, mortification, pride, enthusiasm...

"If by doing this we redeem our souls, is it not worth it?" Carlisle looked pensively out of the window. The idea had come to him weeks ago, and after lots of thought he'd finally revealed his plan to the family.

"I think this is the most stupid thing I've ever heard! I can't believe you are taking this seriously. This is a joke, yeah?" Jake was sprawled on the couch with Nessie snuggled under his arm. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"We can help the human race by giving something back. Being a vampire doesn't have to be a curse. After all, even by vampire standards we're gifted. Carlisle, I think this could work." Edward looked at Carlisle, and nodded at a thought unheard by the rest of the vampires in the room.

Alice squealed and ran off upstairs at inhuman speeds. She returned with a number of suit hangers. "I saw that we were going to do this, so I designed us a uniform." She looked at the label on each and handed them out. "Try them on. We're going to look just perfect."

The Cullens scooted off to the bedrooms to see their new superhero garb. Emmett was the first to be heard.

"What the hell? Blue latex? You have got to be kidding me?"

Edward was next. "Erm, Alice...I think you forgot to organize me a top. There's only a pair of latex trousers and this strange belt thing." He paused for a few seconds before he spoke again. "What do you mean, 'that's right'? And there's no way I'm letting you near me with body paint."

Alice yelled as she buckled up Jasper. "Guys, you'll look great. I'll meet you downstairs."

Gingerly, the boys gathered in the kitchen. Carlisle, Edward, Emmett, Jasper, and Jacob—all in tight, shiny latex trousers, with a red rubber mask as a disguise. Jasper had what resembled a blue leather gun belt fastened to a shiny blue Kevlar shoulder pad around his bare chest, and once the other boys saw where it was supposed to go, they followed suit.

"I feel like a fool," Emmett complained. The guys all looked at each other, and then burst out laughing.

"So what are we calling ourselves?" Edward asked.

"I was thinking Cullen Force, but that would give away our secret identities, so maybe C-Force?"

Edward and Jasper nodded to each other.

"Yeah, that would go pretty well because we look like c—" Jake was cut off before he could finish.

"Guys!" Alice shrieked. "You look just as awesome as I saw you would. Now all you need is some metallic blue body paint and you'll be just perfect. Oh, and the hats."

The guys whipped around, and five male jaws hit the ground simultaneously. There—clad in blue latex catsuits, red masks, and red knee-high boots—were Esme, Rosalie, Alice, Bella and Nessie.

"Yeah, I'm happy with the latex guys," Jasper piped up, as he quickly went and stood behind the counter in the middle of the room. There were several male mumbles in agreement.

"So, Alice," Carlisle began. "What is our first mission...?"


One Month Later...

The entire family turned and looked at Emmett in horror. Emmett just grinned and replayed the clip.

"Hey, everyone…I'm on TV."

"Seriously, Emmett." Alice spoke up first, as everyone else was still dumbfounded. "Things like this will stick. I can guarantee you that they're going to stick. I can't believe you named us!"

"I don't think mine is so bad," Rosalie drawled. "I think it's sweet, but you should have called yourself Monkey Man." Rosalie kissed Emmett on the head, and sat down with him to watch his interview again on repeat.

A short blonde girl stood in front of the camera with a microphone. The camera was handheld and shook a little.

"Hi, this is Sandra Snooks, and I've managed to get an exclusive interview with one of the elite crime-fighting superheroes that have made themselves known here in Seattle over the last month." She turned to Emmett, who had his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out in true superhero style. "Hello, you're a member of C-Force. Can you tell us your name?"

Emmett grinned widely and leaned down to get a little closer to the mic. "Hi, my name is...The Rock." Emmett then chuckled and the interviewer brought the mic back down to her level.

"And what superpower do you have to earn that name, Mr Rock?"

"Please, just call me 'Rock'. I'm really strong." Emmett reached off camera and pulled off a piece of a truck, proceeding to bend it for the camera.

"That's really impressive, Rock. Can you tell us a little more about the rest of C-Force? Their names..."

"Their names...? Oh yeah, right. I'm sure they won't mind. The blonde girl, that's The Fox. She's called that because—well, she's a fox. 'Hey, babes! You're a fox!'" Emmett grinned again for the camera. "She's my wife."

The camera wobbled a little and the interviewer spoke again. "So, you're in a relationship with another member of C-Force?"

"Yeah, we all are. We're all together. I mean 'together' together—in pairs. Mind Boy—he's the one with the reddish-brown hair—he's with Shield Girl, the brunette with the long hair. The short, dark-haired one is Future Girl, and she's with The General—he's the one with the blond, floppy hair. The other blonde guy is Medical Man, and he's with Mom—I mean Supermom. The young one is Little Kiddo, and the guy with the Velcro-sided trousers is Dog Boy."

"Interesting names. How did you get them?"

"Errr...we were born with them, and they're...uh...practical. Like, Mind Boy can read your mind, Future Girl can see the future, Dog Boy can turn into a dog, and—"

"Interesting...can I just ask, how did you get your powers?"

Right then, Alice zoomed onscreen and pulled Emmett away. "What have you done, you idiot? Who on earth let you get near a camera? Rose! Rose!"

Bella shook her head. "That's the last time we ever let you speak to the press, Emmett. Shield Girl?"

"Hey, it's practical!" Emmett pressed rewind once more and Rosalie snuggled up closer.

"I love you, Monkey Man."

"I love you, too...Mrs. The Fox!"


A few weeks later, in Volterra, Aro was handed an American newspaper. He hissed as he read the front page: C-Force: Superheroes Do Exist. Mysterious group of do-gooders tackle crime in Seattle.

"Demetri! Felix!" The vampire henchmen appeared before him in less than a second. "I won't be outdone by the Cullens. We're going to need black spandex, maybe a little Kevlar, and sequins—lots of sequins..."


One hot July evening...

The Cullens stood in a neatly ordered line across the devastated city street—a final blue line to stop the advance of the dark horde.

In the distance, the sound of human screams and wails were heard. The Volturi had descended on Seattle in true super villain style, and the damage they'd caused had been apocalyptic. They might not be trading under the name "vampire," but they'd certainly left no-one in any doubt. No blood had been spilled—the Volturi weren't messy eaters.

The media had followed "The Rock's" practical approach to naming supers, and the morning's papers littered the street with the names "V-Team," "Pain Girl," "Big Dude," and "Guy Who Looks Like Draco Malfoy From Harry Potter's Older Brother." These names hadn't calmed the fury of the vampires in question, with the exception of Jane, who had become quite attached to her new moniker.

Now, nine cloaked figures on horseback rode up towards to meet Seattle's heroes for the final battle for the soul of the city. Aro had to admit, he'd forgotten about the convenience of modern transport, but no-one could deny that the horses and cloaks had impact. Smoke and shadow—it was all about sleight of hand.

The nine mounted dark shapes formed a line in front of the latex-clad Cullen Force. The horses felt uneasy with their bloodthirsty cargo and they reared and twitched.

Edward turned to Carlisle, his brow furrowed in concentration as he read the minds of those before him. "The enemy is upon us."

"State the obvious, why not!" Rosalie piped up.

"Carlisle, my old friend." Aro addressed the blonde doctor. "It has been too long."

"Not nearly long enough, my carnivorous friend."

"Let's not waste time on pleasantries," Caius hissed. "Say what you have to say and let's end this madness."

"Edward...Bella...Alice..." Aro nodded to each in turn. "Come back...come back with us. To Volterra we will take you."

"Go back," Bella replied, lifting her fist in defiance.

All red eyes snapped towards the brunette as she spoke. "The ring! The ring!" The female Volturi hissed. "That's one truly hideous ring!"

Bella quickly pulled her hand back, and tried to put it in her pocket, until she realized that wasn't her pocket and she was in fact wearing a too-tight latex catsuit.

"You shall have neither the ring, nor I," Bella retorted.

"Thank heavens for small mercies," Jane spat sweetly, before she went back to her game of decapitating Barbie dolls while her beloved Aro's attention was elsewhere.

Someone nudged Marcus, as he was beginning to look in serious danger of falling off his steed. He jolted awake. "Let us be done with this." He yawned.

The Cullens looked at each other with panic in their eyes as they braced themselves for the final onslaught. They hugged their respective partners and prepared for the battle to end all battles.

The Volturi dismounted, and as they gathered around their three chiefs, nine cloaks were flung to the floor. There was a stunned gasp and Alice suddenly froze.

"Sequins! Why didn't I foresee sequins?" Alice sobbed dryly, but Jasper sent a sudden wash of glee over her to take her mind off things. Alice quickly perked up at her husband's emotional manipulation and her maniacal grin was in place again.

"Nice outfits," Esme whispered to her husband, who nodded in agreement.

Aro saw the shock in his opponent's eyes, and smiled as he pressed his fingers together. "Excellent."

The Volturi's garb was indeed a sight to be seen. Black and encrusted with millions of dark crystals, any self-respecting male ice dancer would be proud to call such an outfit their own. They were breathtaking.

Demetri especially, was particularly pleased, as he stood in a pose that wouldn't look out of place in the video for Madonna's Vogue. The spandex did wonders for one's arse, and he'd noticed that Heidi's didn't look too bad in her outfit, either. Felix, of course, looked better out of his, but that was Demetri's own personal opinion.

Aro licked his lips—now was the moment he'd most been looking forward to. "My dear Cullens…I hope we can learn something from today. Vampires should never try to be superheroes. It's not our nature. We will always work better on the dark side—you should come join us sometime, we have cookies…blood cookies."

There was a murmur from the blue latex line, but they held their ground.

Aro began again. "We can either battle until the other side is completely obliterated, or I can give you one final chance to avoid any further violence. We'll go away and arrange to come back to visit on a much more social occasion, if you can only do one thing for me—"

Alice screamed. "No, Carlisle! Don't do it!"

Aro smiled; he'd forgotten that the pixie vampire could see the future, and her reaction was encouraging. "All you have to do...is...admit that our outfits are better...and that we make better villains than you do superheroes."

Edward turned to his adoptive father. He'd heard the indecision in his mind, and now fretted for his newly made vampire mate. "Carlisle…say it. Say it—out loud."

His son's impassioned plea finally broke him and with a heavy heart, Carlisle said the words. Alice would never look at him the same again, he knew it. "You're right. Your outfits are much better than ours. The men look much more homo-erotic, and the women have even less left to the imagination. You win, Aro. You win."

Aro smiled. "Fabulous! Now that's over and done with, I'll see you in the spring, maybe. Give up the superhero work, go back to being an incognito vampire doctor, and take care of your talented family. 'Bye for now, Carlisle."

The black riders mounted their horses, and with one last crimson glare they rode off into the setting sun. Victorious.


To be continued...?