WRITTEN IN STONE
I don't believe in fate.
Seriously, how could I? If I thought for one minute that all the shit that's gone down in the last few years was destined? Was fated? Was actually meant to be? I would have had no choice but to do a swannie off the Coronado bridge, would I?
No choice in anything, in fact.
Nope. I'm with Sarah Conner; there is no fate.
I take great comfort in the thought that every time my pop hit me it's because he wanted to, not because he couldn't help it or was supposed to in some dumb ass metaphysical sense. He wasn't an evil, homicidal megalomaniacal cocksucking piece of shit because he was meant to be but because he chose to be.
That surprise you?
It shouldn't. Think about it.
If he chose to be a cradle-robbing motherf- oh hell. Get your own thesaurus and look up every synonym for 'evil' yourself. I'm sick of doing all the work around here; it's exhausting.
If Aaron chose to be the way he was, that means I can choose not to be.
How do you say "No" to eight figures, Pop?
"Can't be done," Pop?
I chose to be different the day I realized a homeless vet had more integrity than you did. That's why I wouldn't let Weevil take the fall for the great car/flagpole convergence. It's why I started easing up on Veronica.
Fuck. Those decisions really worked out well for me, didn't they?
A few months later, Weevil tried to kill me. For the first time. God only knows if he's finished trying. I have no idea what that guy's problem is. Don't care. Got enough of my own.
Veronica. She hasn't actually tried to kill me yet. Nope. She probably figured out if she kills me she won't be able to torture me any more.
She can torture me for the rest of my life if she wants to.
Why do I let her do it?
What can I say? I'm in love with a heartless bitch.
Yeah, yeah, I know. She's not heartless. She just keeps trying to pretend she is. She can't fool me; I know her better than that.
I don't believe that Veronica and I are destined to be together; Its only gonna happen if I work my ass off to make it happen. I know this and I accept it. It's good to know what you want to do with your life. Helps you focus, you know?
So anyway, I don't believe in destiny. Having said that, I think maybe I do kinda believe that some things are inevitable.
For instance, looking back, it seems inevitable now that Lilly came to an early end. She went from me to Weevil to Aaron...that's some progression, huh? Lilly didn't just love guys, she loved dangerous guys and even if she had survived Aaron there would have been some other monster waiting in the wings. There was something fundamentally wrong with Lilly and I can't help but wonder if I loved her because there's something wrong with me, too.
But I wasn't dangerous. Not enough for Lilly, anyway. Even during the drowning years, right after she died, I don't think I was too dangerous. I wanted to fight. I mean I really wanted to hit and be hit, to bleed and draw blood. I never seriously wanted to kill anyone and regardless of what I told that stupid school councelor, I never wanted to die. I just didn't care.
Maybe Weevil and his boys actually saved my life.
I never really thought about it that way. That night...after V turned me in to Lamb and then Sheriff Mars chased me off the beach...I wasn't on the bridge because I wanted to jump. I was up there trying to figure out how bad things would have to get to follow Mom...When Weevil showed up, there was no question that I would much rather fight six bikers than jump. Would someone who was suicidal make that choice? Maybe. Maybe I just thought getting beaten to death would be cooler than jumping. Then again, maybe I thought I could take them. I'm not the smartest guy in the world but I'm learning.
It takes a lot out of a guy to be that angry all the time. I don't have the energy. I had to let it go.
I think it was inevitable that after Lilly was done with me and especially after she died...that I would fall in love with Veronica. All that shitty crap that happened to Ronnie in the year after Lilly died changed her.
No, that's not it. That's not what I mean.
It didn't change who she was, it just stripped away everything that was false. It got rid of the facade of sweetness and conformity. It forced the real Veronica to the surface and made her burn like a beacon. I know this because all that pain did the exact same thing to me. I don't mean that I shine or anything, not like she does, I just mean that it's really hard to wear a mask when you're in that much pain. I'm better at it than Ronnie is because I was raised to fake it.
I saw what was happening to Veronica after Lilly died but I was too fucked up to notice. I was too mad, in both senses of the word. I was insanely enraged or madly mad, however you want to put it. Whatever; I was a jerk. After I chose to stop acting like my dad, that's when I was able to see what...who Veronica had become, it was absolutely inevitable that I fall for her. When I looked at her...I could see the guy I wanted to be. I know, I know; "You make me want to be a better man."
Damn. I hate it when movies make profound ideas sound trite. I also hate it when they make small ideas sound profound but that's only to be expected since most Hollywood fuckholes don't know the difference.
It may have been inevitable that I fell for her but I was surprised as hell when she fell for me.
It's depressing and painful every time she dumps me but I can honestly say I'm never surprised.
Sure, I'm always blindsided by the details but never by the fact that she's walking out again.
I finally decided I'd had enough of her last fall. I chose to leave her in the dust and I stuck to it, too. Right up until the night she showed up at my door. I really thought that meant something but maybe all it meant was she wanted to have the last word.
God, she's cool.
Stone cold, in fact.
But the best moments of my life were the times I made her melt like ice cream in a sauna. I know exactly how thin her veneer is.
I should probably feel at least a little bit of shame for the whole Parker thing, but I don't. I treated her with nothing but kindness and respect. I like her. She's a good person. I didn't mean for things to end so abruptly and I'm sorry I made her so mad but I know I didn't hurt her. She accused me of still being in love with Veronica. What a stupid thing to say. She obviously doesn't even know what that means. Saying I'm "still" in love is like saying I'm still Logan Echolls. Yep. I am. Commence with the disappointment.
Blaming me for that is like blaming an alcoholic for being an alcoholic, while he's on the wagon.
Isn't it a moot point if Veronica doesn't love me back?
Parker didn't feel anything more for me than I felt for her which is just a good dose of liking. Her heart was never involved and I don't think she's pretending it was. Would it be completely conceited to say that she should take it as a compliment that I thought she could help me forget for awhile that I'm in love with Veronica? Yeah, that does sound pretty conceited. I hope she doesn't stay mad at me for too long. She's really nice. Her parents are trolls but I've known worse. Ha ha.
What the hell was I talking about?
Oh yeah. Fate vs. Inevitability.
There is no fate.
But I'll tell you right now, it was absolutely fucking inevitable that I was going to beat the living shit out of Stosh Piznarski.
I knew it the second I laid eyes on him. I could feel it in my balls.
It wasn't the Carol Brady hairdo, although that alone is justification enough. It wasn't the fuckingly stupid nick name. Why would a guy with a perfectly cool name like 'Stosh' allow, much less encourage people to call him 'Piz'?
It wasn't even the look of stunned revulsion that crossed his face when I kissed MY girlfriend. (I'm used to that.)
It was the fact that she had dressed him in Duncan's clothes.
Why the fuck didn't she give all that shit to the Salvation Army? Why did she have to dress up her own personal new kid on the block and present him to me as if he were her shiny new toy? What did she think my reaction would be? Of course I wanted to break his face.
That doesn't make me psycho, by the way; that just makes me a guy. Seriously, show me a guy who doesn't react the way I did and I'll show you a guy whose girlfriend keeps his nads in her purse and only lets him take 'em out and play with 'em once or twice a year.
I know that wasn't his fault. I know he had no way of knowing the significance of the stuff she gave him to wear. It's not personal, I would have felt that way no matter who she had dressed in those clothes. Duncan was my best friend and I tried to beat the shit out of him. If he ever comes back, I'll do it too.
See, that's the point; I don't give a shit what Piz does. It's what she did that made me want to beat the piss out of him.
I knew all that, too.
I spent the entire year reining myself in. As long as he remained a bystander he was safe. I could tell he was a nice guy and Wallace liked him. Wallace is probably the most decent guy I know so I had to give Piz the benefit of the doubt. That's why I let it slide when he invited Veronica to go bowling with him. It's why I didn't kill him where he stood when he opened the door that weekend V spent in Wallace's room. It's why he got out of the Neptune Grand alive after Parker's birthday party. That, and the fact that seeing them making out in my hallway pretty much knocked me into a catatonic state of shock.
When we ran onto them at the beach I was as close to losing it as I've ever been. She could tell, too. I was thirty seconds away from goading him into saying or doing something that would have lead directly to him drinking from a straw for six weeks when she pulled him away.
There's no way Veronica thinks she can be happy with a guy she needs to protect.
So you see, I was primed and ready when Dick showed me that email...I had my feet in the blocks and my fingers on the line and that damned video was the starter's pistol. I didn't actually see red. It was more...black. I don't even know how I got over to campus. I just remember breaking open the door to the sound booth and yanking him out of his chair. He must have managed a couple of punches because I have some bruises but all I remember is him whimpering and going limp, which was a wise move on his part. I didn't actually break any ribs and believe me, I meant to. I remember very well how much I enjoyed landing each and every hit.
When it was over, I felt like I'd finally puked up something that was making me sick. Like I'd finally taken care of a job that had been on my chore list all year. Total relief.
I wish Veronica would just take down Madison and beat the living hell out of her and get over it. Seriously, isn't my way better for everyone in the long run?
God, she was mad at me but I hardly cared; inside I was dancing for joy 'cause she told me they hadn't actually fucked.
I know Veronica. When that girl sets her mind on a course of action, it's damned near impossible to distract her. For her to be naked on a guy's bed and then balk...that's...something had to be seriously wrong. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
Later, when I found out he didn't have anything to do with the camera in the room, that's when I felt bad. That was the only real justification I had for what I did. That video...
Hang on a minute.
You know what? I'm glad I didn't know earlier because beating up Piz was the most fun I've had in months. What? I'm a work in progress; I never said I was perfect.
Now that I do know, I have to apologise to him. I can do it sincerely, too. I really do feel for the guy; he got caught up in the middle of something he had nothing to do with and he got crushed. But given what I thought had happened, he has to understand. Oh hell, if he doesn't, he can fuck himself. He might as well, since I'm pretty damned sure Veronica never will.
One more thing.
Somewhere on campus, someone is responsible for that video. I will find out who it was and when I do, I will destroy him.
Bank on it.